Sunnybanks

by c m

Chapter 7

It's been four days since I've heard from Luke. This is unusual but it does happen. I'm about to call him when the email arrives.

I read it again. I am numb. I've been dumped by Luke; I'm under no illusions that that's what's happened.

After reading the email a third time, the numbness is replaced by grief. I cry my eyes out. Part of me wants to pick up the phone and call him. But I am not going to beg.

Eventually I pull myself together. I tell myself I will carry on as normal. I'm due on duty. But as I leave my room, my mother is there.

'Charlie…what's the matter? Your eyes…they're all red. You've been crying. What's happened?'

'Luke's dumped me.'

'Oh darling…I'm so sorry.'

She comes and takes me in her arms.

'He's gone back to his girlfriend. I think.'

'I'm so sorry, Charlie…you must be very upset. And you're not to work this evening. Why don't you call Chris? I think being with a friend would be good.'

I nod. She's right. I call Chris and ask if I can come round.

'Sure…I thought you were working tonight?'

'I was, but something's happened. I'll tell you when I see you.'

'Of course. Come round right now.'

I do, and he's waiting for me at the front door when I arrive.

'Oh my God Charlie…you look awful. What's happened?'

He ushers me up to his room. I show him Luke's email.

'Oh no…' he says as he reads it, 'oh no, no, no…oh Charlie…I'm so, so sorry.'

'How can this happen, Chris….?'

And then I simply break down all over again. And Chris takes me in his arms and sits me down on the bed and just holds me. He rocks me gently, his face pressed against mine.

'I know it doesn't feel this way right now, Charlie, but you're better off without him. He clearly doesn't know himself the way you know yourself. Until he's happy in his own skin he'll never make anyone else happy.'

'But he did make me happy, Chris.'

'For a while, yes. And maybe that's the bit to hang on to. And for what its worth, I think he genuinely felt all the things he said he did for you at the time. He just didn't know himself well enough.'

Through the pain and the tears I think about this. And there is a sort of comfort there. And I realise that I don't feel used; Chris is right about that. Luke and I did feel genuine affection for each other - and our desire for one another was genuine enough, and entirely mutual, as well. I'm sure of it. I don't even regret giving him my virginity.

I still feel hollow inside – but some of the weight has gone from my shoulders.

'Thanks, Chris. You're right. About everything. About it being genuine at the time. About him not knowing who he is. And probably about my being better off without him so long as that's the case… but it still hurts. It hurts so much.'

'Would you like to stay the night? I don't think you should be on your own.'

'Where would I sleep?'

'With me. I know it's a tight fit, but I promise not to molest you.'

I can't help but laugh. Chris' bed is an over-sized single, maybe four feet across – and nothing like as big as my king-sized one.

'I'd like that – if you really don't mind.'

'I'll just tell Mum. Don't want her jumping to conclusions if she walks in and finds us in bed together.'

He unwraps himself from me and lays me down on the bed.

'Some hot chocolate too, perhaps?'

'Mmm…yes please.'

While he's making the chocolate and putting his mother in the picture, I call my mother and tell her what's happening.

'That's fine, love. See you in the morning.'

The hot chocolate is great - and Mrs. Young pokes her head round the door to say how sorry she is about my news.

For the sake of propriety, and the fact that we are going to be virtually pressed up against one another all night, Chris and I both keep our underwear on when we climb into bed, but his warmth and the feel of his skin on my mine as he wraps an arm round me is reassuring. I sleep like a log.

In the morning, I write Luke a reply.

I receive a reply.

Yes, I feel the same. I still love you.

I delete it.

Over the next week or so, my break-up with Luke becomes common knowledge amongst my other friends and the other students on my course. Nathan offers me his – utterly genuine – sympathy, even though I know there is a part of him that carries a candle for me. He is truly a lovely guy.

If Chris helped me get things in perspective about Luke, he is also part of the next stage of my post-Luke rehabilitation.

There is no question that I probably have a ready-made replacement for Luke in Nathan. And in many ways, I know Nathan better than I ever knew Luke. But I wonder if taking things slowly might not be better than jumping into another full-blown boyfriend relationship immediately. And it's not just down to me, it's up to Nathan too, of course.

He and I have both sort of danced around the issue for the last two weeks. I think we're both afraid of being rejected again. But our hugs at the beginning and end of the day have become tighter and longer, and his fingers have sometimes brushed over mine when they might not have done, and we look at each other that fraction longer than we did – and then tear our eyes away as if caught out.

I decide to talk to Chris about it.

He's in his room when I get round there. I knock and go straight in – we always do to each other – and I've clearly caught him at an embarrassing moment as he stuffs his cock back in his trousers. He's sitting in front of the computer.

'Oh…it's you. Thank god for that.'

'Porn watching?'

'Yeah.'

We have occasionally started to watch porn together. Straight porn, but that's fine if the guys are good-looking.

'OK if I join you?'

'Sure.'

I pull up a chair and Chris restarts the clip. There's a youngish Asian guy with two girls. The bloke is, happily, good looking - and quite well-equipped. They're messing about in a shower which is all wet and steamy before linking up in different ways on the floor and then making their way to the bed. There is much – thoroughly unrealistic – grunting and groaning which Chris and I replicate with much amusement. But there are lots of close-ups of the guy's cock – especially when it's being licked by both girls at once. I feel myself getting hard.

'Feel free to carry on with what you were doing when I arrived', I say.

'Gonna join me?'

'Why not.'

We both unzip and pull out our stiffies. There's the usual box of tissues beside the screen for when the moment arrives.

As we sit stroking, Chris says;

'You know that time we…did it to each other?'

It is still – vividly - in my mind.

'Yes. It was fun.'

'Yes, it was…do you want…would you…?'

I smile at him, then reach across and take hold of him. He does the same to me.

As the threesome on the screen reaches its climax, we do the same, speeding up until we're both on the point of coming. Chris reaches for the tissues – and knocks the box onto the floor.

'Oh fuck, sorry…'

Before he can do anything about it, he erupts and I'm about a second behind him. I do my best to catch all his jizz in my hand, and he closes his fingers over the top of my cock in a desperate attempt to stop my seed going everywhere. As we both finish spurting, we just turn and look at each other. I open my hand which is full of his white, sticky goop and he releases his fingers and spreads them out. Strings of my cum are hanging between them and down over his wrist.

And then we start to laugh. A lot. Our shoulders shake with mirth.

'Oh my god…look at me,' he says, 'it's like a fucking spider's web.'

'I've got a lake in my hand,' I say, 'how long have you been holding onto this lot?'

He reaches down with his clean hand and retrieves the tissues. I mop up the bulk of what's in my hand - before licking the rest of it off.

'But that's my stuff on your hand,' he says.

'I know. I was curious, that's all.'

'About what?'

'Well, I like the taste of mine…I wondered about yours.'

'And?'

'It's nice. Different, but nice.'

He's been busy wiping his own fingers clean. There's one left with a bit of my goop on it. He prods his tongue tentatively at it. He wrinkles his nose..

'It's alright I suppose…not nasty…but I've never particularly wanted to eat even my own.'

'It's not compulsory,' I say.

'But the bit leading up to it was good.'

'I certainly enjoyed it.'

'And actually I feel less guilty about doing that now you and Luke aren't….sorry, that's probably still a bit raw, isn't it?'

'A bit, but…look, it was fun while it lasted. I've learned a lot from it…and I won't make the same mistake twice.'

'What do you think the mistake was?'

'To let lust lead me to rush into sex with someone I didn't really know – although I was very lucky it was as good as it was; to mistake attraction and friendship for love – good though both of those other things are, and to assume that the first guy I meet and like is The One.'

'So where does that leave you with Nathan? I know you guys like each other. And he pretty much has the hots for you.'

'You think so? Well, if so, that's mutual. I think he's cute. But that's also the point. Would immediately getting together with him just be making the same mistake twice? Would I be repeating exactly the same behaviour?'

'Hmmm…I see what you mean. Let me think about it. But first, if it's OK with you, I need to wash my hands…they're still a bit sticky.'

'Mine too.'

We jump up and use the basin in Chris' shower room. It's a bigger ensuite than mine, with a walk in shower that would comfortably accommodate three. I try to picture Chris in there with two girls like in the porno, but I can't.

He turns on the tap. Then looks at his hand.

'So when you and Luke had oral….'

I know what he's thinking.

'We unloaded in each other's mouths. And then swallowed it.'

'Ah, right. Is that usually what happens?'

'I'm hardly the world expert. But you only have three choices. Pull out before you shoot, spit it out, or swallow. You'll have the same decision to make when you have a girlfriend. Or she will. If someone as ugly as you ever gets a girlfriend, of course.'

He cuffs me. Then goes back to removing the last traces of me from his fingers. And he's clearly thinking about the question I asked him earlier.

'I think', he says, as he dries his hands, 'that you and Nathan are a bit different from you and Luke. I mean, you've known Nathan for several months now and you haven't had sex with him.' He looks up. 'Have you?'

'No. But I did have a wet dream about him.'

'Did you?!...really?'

I nod.

'OK…but I don't think that counts. And he's gay, not bi, which at least takes one variable out of the equation. And he lives round here so there's none of that long-distance complication. What do you want to do?'

'I like him a lot, Chris. And I don't want him to get pinched by someone else while I'm playing it all cool and slow.'

'That is not, of itself, a good reason to dive in if you're still at the stage of discovering things about each other. Do you think there are other guys who fancy him, then?'

'I don't know. He had a fling with Stu, but that was just sex really – maybe that's what it was between me and Luke – and that's well over with now. But there must be other gay boys round here and like I say, he's bloody cute.'

'Maybe an acceleration is indicated then. Perhaps a sleep-over might take you to new places. It did with us as I recall. Though not in quite the same way, obviously.'

'Maybe. But a sleepover will simply mean – probably – that we have sex. In terms of discovering whether we're made for each other, I think that might blind us to other things rather than illuminating them. That's sort of what happened with Luke, wasn't it?'

'Umm…maybe. Would sleeping with him mean that you automatically became full-on boyfriends?'

'Would you sleeping with a girl mean she was a full-on girlfriend?'

'I see what you mean. But people do just sleep around.'

'I know…but that means they're like Stu. It's just sex. I want more than that.'

'But not necessarily a full blown relationship?'

'I don't know. Maybe. Or maybe something in the middle.'

'You could always try talking to Nathan about it.'

So I do.

In fact, I don't even have to broach the subject; Nathan gets in first.

'Charlie,' he says, 'we like each other a lot, right?'

'We do.'

'And we kind of discussed how things might be if Luke was no longer in the picture.'

'We did.'

'And he isn't, is he?'

'He's not.'

'I know the last thing you probably want to do is rush headlong into another relationship right now but…when you're ready, could I have first refusal?'

I can't help but smile.

'Come here,' I say.

I put my arms round his waist and look into his eyes.

'You're right that I'm feeling a little bit vulnerable right now, Nathan, but I'm hoping that I might meet someone who will restore my faith; who is sweet, kind and loving; who I find irresistibly attractive; who is fun to be with; who likes the same things I do, and who lives close enough for me to see every day.'

'Oh…I see…'

'And the good news is, I think I've done so.'

I see his face fall.

'Oh.'

'It's someone you know quite well.'

There's a pause.

'But I…I thought Chris was straight?'

It's all I can do not to laugh. But that would be unkind. And that's one thing I have no intention of being to Nathan.

'He is…well mostly.'

'Then….?'

'It's you, Nathan.'

His eyes widen. Then he smiles, then grins, then throws his arms round me.

'You mean that?'

'Oh yes. But would you mind if we just kept thing going like they are between us…for a bit. Just keep getting to know each other?'

'I'd love that, Charlie.'

'Because I think…I hope…that we might just…grow into one another.'

'That would be a dream come true.'

We exchange a brief kiss - and a long hug. We part with big smiles on our faces.

And grow together we do. We work as a team on our course projects, and he works his socks off at the hotel. My mother comes to trust him to do things without any supervision. We take trips together when we both have time off and we go to the cinema – where I'm happy for him to put his arm round my shoulder.

I get to know his family better. Out of respect for our agreement, he doesn't call me his boyfriend – although his older sister, Becky, has clearly decided that's what we are and pretty much adopts me as a second brother.

Then one evening, when we 're working the late shift at Sunnybanks, the phone rings. It's Nathan's mother. She's missed her train and so now won't be back to her car in time to pick Nathan up. Could my mother possibly drop him back?

With a shiver running down my spine, I suggest that he stays over and that my mother takes both of us to College the next day. She agrees. When I come off the phone, Nathan sees that I'm shaking slightly.

'What's wrong, Charlie?'

'I had a dream about this maybe three months ago,' I tell Nathan.

'That I had to stay over?'

'Yes…then it was because your mother's car had broken down.'

'And what happened?'

'Why don't we find out?'

As in the dream, we go up to my room and I find him a toothbrush and a towel.

As in the dream he uses the bathroom first, and is in bed when I've finished in there.

As in the dream, we are both naked in bed.

As in the dream we can feel the electricity crackling between us.

As in the dream he asks for a cuddle.

But this time there is no shadow of Luke to stop us from doing what we've both wanted to do for a very long time. And no guilt after we've done it.

In the morning, we make love again. Him in me and me in him.

And we agree that we belong together. And that we are ready to tell the world.

And when he comes out of the shower, I see that he's shaved off his pubes.

'A secret sign that we belong together,' he says.

But nothing else about us is secret anymore.

Chris, being Chris, is delighted for us. My mother is genuinely pleased too; she's come to treat Nathan as a second son. Everyone at College is pleased for us – bar Stu; but no-one cares what he thinks.

We seem to spend a lot of the first two weeks that we are formally a couple having sex; but then we have a lot of lost time to catch up on. Nathan turns out to be something of a Duracell bunny when it comes to sex; he goes on, and on, and on. I'm not complaining. We complement each other well; in the current parlance, I'm more a versatile bottom, and he's more a versatile top – although this is something of an over-simplification as our preferences are marginal. More importantly in terms of having great sex, we are both totally at ease with telling the other what we want. And when it comes to oral, we develop a technique we call the '138' – which consists of one 69 followed immediately by another.

One afternoon, after a particularly lengthy and satisfying session, as we lie cuddled up together, Nathan says to me;

'Sex with you is wonderful; it makes me realise that what Stu and I did was a travesty of what it should be. There was no passion, no emotional engagement. It was just a physical act. I wish I'd never done it with him, now. And I know I didn't say so when we first talked, but I'm relieved he didn't want to fuck me. I'm so pleased my first time was with you.'

'I hope you don't mind that I couldn't give you the same gift.'

'It doesn't matter in the slightest.'

We kiss. And for no reason at all, what Stu had said pops back into my head.

'There was something Stu told me – in a fit of pique. He said that when you had oral, you wouldn't let him cum in your mouth? Based on what you and I do, that doesn't seem to be the case.'

He laughs.

'Oh that. It was just he tasted horrible. I spat it out the first time. I'm not against it in principle – as you have discovered – but there was no way I wanted his stuff in my mouth again. You, however, I could swallow by the pint.'

Within a month, he probably has.

In the course of the final term of the year, we both celebrate our 17th birthdays; they are within three days of one another, and we have a shared party at Chris' house with a marquee in the garden and a disco.

We delay the party until we've completed our final assignments and exams for the course – which we both pass with flying colours.

Mrs. Young does the catering for the party, and the food is unbelievably good; Chris tells me she's been preparing it for weeks, cramming their freezer to the very top with different dishes that follow one another on the day in what seems like an endless procession of wonderful smells, tastes and textures. Quite a few of the girls from our course are there, and Chris really hits if off with Tash. I'm too busy dancing with Nathan and our other friends to notice that Chris disappears with her for a while.

At the end of the evening, I see Chris and Tash having a smoochy farewell. Once they've finally parted, I ask Chris how things went.

'Errr…well…let's just say…she swallows,' he says with a massive grin on his face.

'Are you telling me…?'

'Yes. I couldn't believe it. I mean, we had such a laugh and we got on so well and then she says 'come with me' and takes me round the side of the house. She tells me I'm the sexiest thing she's seen in ages and then she just drops down and unzips me, fishes out my cock and starts to suck me. Being sucked is unbelievably good…but then I guess you know that…anyway, when I realise that Mount Vesuvius is about to blow, I tell her – but she just keeps going. I don't think I've ever ejaculated so hard in my life, but she just swallows the lot. And then licks the tip clean before putting it back inside my trousers and zipping me up. Then you know what she says?'

I shake my head.

'Yummy. That's it. Just that one word…yummy. Then she kisses me – and I can taste myself in her mouth. Is that what all girls do?'

'Hardly,' I say, 'she clearly fancies the pants off you. How do you feel?'

'I think she's gorgeous. We've agreed to go on a date next week.'

'Good for you Chris. She's really nice. And I hope you're ready to lose your cherry.'

'With her? Charlie, I'd love to, but it's only a first date.'

'A first date with a girl who's thinks you're bloody gorgeous and who's given you a blow job. Well, clearly, there's something wrong with her eyesight, but other than that….'

'Why you cheeky bugger.'

I poke my tongue out at him.

Nathan has been saying goodbye to some of his friends, but he wanders back over to where Chris and I are chatting. He puts his hands on my shoulders and leans in for a kiss. The last few numbers that the DJ had played were slow dances, and Nathan and I had held each close…so close that we had become all too aware of the other's arousal.

'I want you so badly,' he says, dropping a hand to the front of my trousers and rubbing it up and down.

'For God's sake get a room. Oh, of course, you've got one…just don't be too noisy,' Chris says with a smile.

We're staying at his house that night; we've been given one of the guest suites.

I give Chris a goodnight kiss and so does Nathan – something Chris has become totally at ease with -and we make our way inside and up to our room. The ensuite is almost identical to the one in Chris' room, and there is plenty of space for both of us in the shower. We soap each other gently.

'Did you hear Chris say that Tash had given him a blow job?' I ask.

'No, really? Wow.'

'Apparently just took him round the side of the house, pulled out his cock and did it then and there.'

'I wouldn't have minded you doing that to me,' says Nathan.

'How about I do it now instead?'

'Mmm…yes please.'

Chris and Tash become an item, and he swears blind to me that they've both agreed to wait a bit before going the whole way. But he continues to receive blow jobs on a regular basis so maybe that makes the waiting easier.

One immediate effect of their getting together, though, is a change in the state of his room. Clothes are no longer randomly scattered, some of the posters go, I never see a dirty or half-finished mug of coffee on his desk and the bed is always made. Tash is very tidy-minded. The bed itself is replaced; gone is the oversize single and in its place is a double – I'm not sure if this is a statement of intent, or an acknowledgement of actuality. I also discover a box of tampons in his bathroom cabinet one day.

The best bit is that Tash makes no attempt to get between me and Chris. She respects the fact that we are best friends and that there are times when we want or need to be together – without her. And she has girls nights out which Chris is happy about. Now that Tash is taking care of him, our occasional porno wanks have come to an end but that's fine too. I've got Nathan who doesn't need any excuse to relieve my needs in that direction.

Chris finally loses his virginity about a month into his relationship with Tash. He tells me one afternoon when I'm lying on my bed. I know something's up from the moment he comes through the door. He has a cheesy grin on his face.

As his best friend I demand details. As my best friend he provides them.

'It was bit weird…I mean, I've played with her breasts and sucked her nipples and had my fingers inside her, and she regularly masturbates me and sucks me off, but when we were both lying there, knowing what we were about to do, we both got really nervous. Anyway, once we got into it, touching and kissing, it was easier but I still didn't know when to…you know…go for it. So it was great when she finally took the initiative.'

'Did you use a condom?'

'No...she's on the pill. Anyway she lay on her back and opened her legs and I slipped a finger inside her, but she said – well her exact words were – 'just put that gorgeous fucking cock of yours inside me'. So I did. I felt the skin sort of sliding back as I entered her and then I just seemed to slip all the way in. It felt utterly amazing. Only trouble was I didn't last very long. Well, not that first time,' he says, with a big smile.

'Sounds much like doing it with a guy,' I say. 'And my first time with Luke was over pretty quickly too.'

'But the next time…and the next…lasted much longer,' he says, his eyes shining with excitement.

'You stud, you.'

'She wanted it as much as I did. And the third time, she straddled me. I think that was even better. So…bye bye virginity. I'm pleased I waited, Charlie…you know, to give it to someone I have proper feelings for…not just some drunken shag with a girl I would be embarrassed to see the next day. I mean, it's not as though I didn't have the opportunities.'

'I know…all the girls at school were after you since you were about fourteen.'

'It's easier being with someone who isn't at school with me, too. You and Nathan still good?'

'Very good. He just understands me and I understand him. We disagree sometimes, but we never fight. We've never even shouted at each other. And the sex just gets better and better. We love each other, Chris…it's that simple.'

'Do you know what's happened to Luke? Do you even want to know?'

'No….no, I don't know and I don't think I want to. This may sound odd, but he's almost become a treasured memory. Is that weird? My first love. And I met Nathan through being with him. And I can say – quite genuinely – that I hope he's happy; that's he's found himself, and that he has someone special in his life. If the truth was different, I'd be upset, so I'd rather keep the happy memories of the rather special fortnight we had together.'

'You are irritatingly lovely – you know that?'

'Better than just being irritating - like some people…..'

'Right. That does it…'

He leaps on top of me and we tussle. I've become leaner and fitter – and grown an inch or so too, and the struggle is a lot closer than it would have been six months earlier, but eventually his legs are over mine, and his hands are pinning down my wrists. We're both breathing heavily.

'Fuck…you've put on some muscle.'

'Must be all the sex,' I say.

He snorts with laughter. Then gives me a kiss – nothing sexual, but it's mark of how things have changed - before rolling off and lying beside me.

'It's been quite a year, hasn't it?'

'Sure has. Lots of changes.'

'But our friendship's still the same, isn't it?'

'You're still my best mate…nothing's ever going to change that.'

'And I guess I'm still stuck with you.'

'Fraid so.'

We lie in silence for a moment.

'Do you think,' he says, 'that the things you feel during sex with Nathan are the same things I feel during sex with Tash?'

'Wow, that's pretty philosophical. Umm…I don't know. Probably…at a purely sensory level. But I think the brain enhances the sensations. Well, with a brain the size of a pea you probably wouldn't know that…'

'God you're so charming…why do I even like you?'

We stick our tongues out at each other.

'But I think it's the emotional connection that turbo-charges the sensations you feel. If you are passionately in love with the person you're having sex with, if they drive you wild with desire, then I think that's what counts most. And I guess you feel that way about Tash in the same way that I, most certainly, feel it about Nathan. So maybe we do feel the same things. But then again, you've never had a guy's erection in your mouth – I know you don't want to – but it's a fact that that produces feelings and sensations that are different from just being on the receiving end. And you've never had anyone cum in your mouth either. So maybe it's not exactly the same. I dunno.'

'Maybe I need to invent a machine that let's me feel what Tash feels as well as what I feel. She knows what both those things feel like.'

'True. But I wonder if it gives her the same feelings as doing it with someone of the same sex does.'

'Guess we'll never know.'

'Provided it feels good, who cares?…and if you ever DO want to know, you can always give me a blow job,' I say with a smile.

'That is SO not going to happen. I love you to bits but I have no desire to put my mouth round your dangly bits.'

'They wouldn't be dangly…they'd be hard.'

'That would be worse. I probably couldn't even fit that thing of yours in.'

'Bet you could.'

'It's not happening.'

'Come to that, I reckon I'd give you a better bj than Tash.'

'I doubt it.'

'Boys do it better. We know what feels good.'

'It's just as well I know you're joshing with me. We both know that if we did anything like that with each other, we'd completely fuck up our friendship.'

'Yeah…I know. And I'd rather have my finger nails torn out than do that.'

He gives my hand a squeeze.

The silence returns.

Then there's a tap on the door and Nathan walks in.

'Oh hi Chris...nice to see you - what brings you here?'

'He broke his duck last night. I demanded details and it seems it's true.'

'Hey, good for you, Chris!'

'And I've just offered him a bj to celebrate.'

'Of course you have. Can anyone join in?'

We all have a good laugh.