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by c m

Chapter 9

When I wake up in the morning, sunlight is streaming into the room. Nathan is standing, naked, against one of the windows looking over the garden.

'Caterers have started early,' he says.

'Can I suggest you move away from the widow before one of them sees you and drops something.'

'They'd need damn good eyesight to see anything from down there.'

He turns round and I realise he has a stiffy.

'For God's sake Nathan!'

He just takes hold of it and waggles it at me.

'I'm not ashamed of it…are you?'

'No…but it is strictly for my eyes only. And if you want to do something useful with it, come over here and fuck me.'

'Nice chat up line…very sophisticated.'

But he does. It's my favourite way to start the day.

When we use the shower, working out what button operates which nozzle or jet is something of a voyage of discovery. It all goes reasonably well until Nathan pushes something that causes a powerful jet of water to strike me squarely in the testicles. I double up in agony while Nathan just dissolves into tears of laughter.

Lindsay and Evelyn are already having breakfast when we arrive downstairs. We help ourselves to orange juice and coffee, both of which are on the walnut sideboard. There are a selection of breakfast cereals there as well. The other two are tucking into a cooked breakfast, so I decide to pass on the cereal.

I've barely sat down before cook appears and asks what we'd like.

'Scrambled egg and bacon, if I may, please.'

'Fried eggs, bacon, sausage and tomato, if that's possible,' says Nathan.

'That's fine sir. Mushrooms as well?

'Why not?'

Cook disappears out the way she came.

'Sleep well?' asks Lindsay.

'Once he'd put his cue away,' mumbles Nathan.

There is general mirth, suppressed as Daphne enters.

'Good morning all. Just wanted to make sure you have everything you need. I am about to have my hair done, so any questions, ask now.'

'Everything is perfectly splendid, thank you Daphne. Very comfortable bed indeed.'

'Good. Right. Well, I'll see you all later.'

Her exit is immediately followed by cook's reappearance with our cooked breakfasts, along with racks of toast.

'So, says Lindsay,' any plans on what to do for a couple of hours before we need to be at the church?'

'I wouldn't mind having Evelyn teach me a bit more snooker – if he wouldn't mind,' says Nathan.

Evelyn positively beams with pleasure.

'I'd love to.'

'Well, that's those two sorted out…how about us?'

'Have you ever been to York Minster?' asks Lindsay.


'Well, it's only about half an hour or so away…we'd have time to visit and get back before changing into our finery for the wedding. I don't know if you're interested in architecture, but it's a magnificent example of its type with some stunning stained glass.'

I quite like architecture – particularly the older stuff – and spending an hour or so in Lindsay's company will be no hardship.

'Let's do it. I'll drive.'

I pick up the keys from my room, give Nathan a farewell kiss and meet Lindsay in the hall. We walk over to the car. He's suitably impressed.

'It was a wedding gift to us both from my grandfather.'

'Some wedding present,' he says.

Lindsay knows York well, and guides us to the nearest car park and then into the Minster. All Cathedrals have a sense of peace and space and history that always send a shiver up my spine. But this renders me almost speechless. The three square towers, the history going back to the thirteenth century and the awe-inspiring collection of stained glass in all shapes and sizes combine to create a space in which you are suddenly aware of your own insignificance. I am not religious, but I can understand how a building like this could inspire faith. The Rose Window, in particular, is magnificent, with more than 7000 pieces of glass. The guidebook tells us that in the great fire of 1984, the heat produced 40,000 cracks in those pieces of glass – all of which were repaired by hand.

In truth, we don't have long enough to do the building anything like justice, but I vow I will return one day.

'Thank you so much for suggesting this,' I say to Lindsay on our way back to the car. 'I think Nathan would have loved it as well.'

'I'm pleased you think it was worth it…and it was nice to spend some time with you, too.'

He puts an arm round my shoulder. I have no objection.

On the journey back to Mowbray Manor, I ask Lindsay if Evelyn is his first boyfriend.

'No…but perhaps the first I've ever felt serious about. I've had three relationships of any substance. One for about six months when I was seventeen, another in my first year at Uni, although that only really lasted a term, and now Evelyn.'

'It sounds as though you've had some more…casual…relationships as well.'

'I suppose I've had my share of them. I haven't exactly slept around but I've made some bad choices. And I admit to half a dozen or so one-night stands – though they were mostly in my first term at Uni…a sort of freedom thing, I suppose. I'm not very proud of it, looking back.'

'Do you know how many altogether?'

'How many boys I've slept with? Maybe…a dozen. How about you?'

'Only Luke and Nathan.'

'How very well-behaved of you.'

'Not really. I didn't admit to being gay until I was almost sixteen. We moved house when I was thirteen away from anyone I knew, and since coming out I've worked to help Mum a lot so I haven't got out much – not that I would have known where to go anyway. Then Luke arrived…and then Luke went…and then Nathan was there for me. I don't know if that makes me lucky or stupid.'

'Stupid? How could it make you stupid?'

'Oh you know…not having a wider range of experiences before settling down…thinking that all, well both…my relationships were the Big One.'

'Would you rather have had relationships that were a mistake?'

'Well, no.'

'And have you always had all the sex you want?'

'Umm…I suppose so, yes.'

'And the sex has been good?'

'Very good.'

'And the guys you were with have been nice, and kind to you?'


'Sounds like a bloody fantastic place to be to me.'

I laugh.

'Of course you're right. It's just I have no idea if I've…missed out.'

'Oh you've missed out alright…on bad sex, on guys who turn nasty on you, on STDs, on being two-timed. People treat 'experience' as some kind of touchstone. But it's not all it's cracked up to be – especially if it turns out be a bunch of bad experiences. People worry too much about what they don't have, rather than celebrating what they do. If what you've got makes you happy, why on earth would you risk that for some unknown, usually illusory, 'more'? I'm so relieved to have found Evelyn; it means I can stop looking, stop taking risks and enjoy a sexually fulfilling relationship with someone I truly love and who loves me. You didn't miss out – you just got there sooner. I envy you.'

I turn and give him a smile.

Back at the hotel, it's time to get changed. It's not a morning dress affair, but suits are the order of the day. I have a very nice, lightweight woollen suit in navy blue, and Nathan has something similar in pale grey. We both wear plain white shirts. I have a yellow silk tie with a Liberty print of elephants on it, and Nathan has a really nice floral number in pinks, blues and reds. We adjust the half-windsor knots in one another's ties and then wait downstairs in the hall for the others.

Lindsay arrives looking very at home in a grey chalkstripe, while Evelyn looks slightly less comfortable in a navy blue suit that I'm guessing is brand new.

Jenkins appears and ushers us outside – where a Bentley of some age is waiting to convey us to the church. Evelyn sits in the front and the other three of us sink into the comfort of the back seat. Apart from the crunch of the gravel underneath the tyres, our progress is virtually silent. We are decanted at the church and make our way inside. And I get my first view of Luke for three years. He's barely changed. Still starkly handsome and, despite everything, my heart does a little leap at seeing him again. He's with his best man and he doesn't see us until shortly before the service is due to start. When he does so, he raises one hand, slightly uncertainly, and give us a single wave. I respond in kind.

The service is brief and to the point, and Chloe, the bride looks wonderful. And she is undeniably pretty. We throw confetti over them outside the church and I see Luke close up for the first time. He still looks heartachingly like the boy I fell in love with.

The Bentley reappears to whisk us back to the Manor. Guests' cars are parked on the grass either side of the driveway leading up to the house, but we have the convenience of being dropped right up at the top.

There is about an hour before we sit down to eat. The photographer is busy doing her thing getting groups organised, and there are plenty of waiters and waitresses circulating with trays of drinks and canapés. As well as champagne, there is the option of Pimms or a non-alcoholic apple spritzer for those who don't drink or who are driving. I have a couple of Pimms because I'm thirsty and then switch to champagne. The canapes are delicious, a variety of hot and cold mouthful-sized snacks, some familiar and some that are new to me. Nathan and I circulate. We talk with Daphne, the Colonel, and Lindsay. He in turn introduces us to some of the other cousins and friends. Someone called Andrew also comes up and introduces himself to me, and when I tell him who I am, it clearly rings an awkward bell; he makes his apologies and cuts the conversation short. I assume this is the Andy that Luke had sex with while they were camping and afterwards.

The final photograph before we are called to the meal is 'friends of the groom'. Nathan and I make our way over and stand off to one side. The photographer beckons us into the middle. I end up directly behind Luke. He is still using the same cologne he did when we were together.

The meal is well chosen, well cooked and beautifully presented. Asparagus with quails' eggs and a hollandaise sauce is followed by breast of chicken in a cream and mushroom sauce with fresh vegetables. There is then a pause before dessert for the speeches.

Chloe's father says all the traditional things, and provides the usual embarrassing stories about what Chloe did when she was growing up. But he has a light touch and keeps it brief. The best man is clearly nervous, but has some good anecdotes and is warmly applauded. Then it's Luke's turn.

He speaks charmingly about his bride, and thanks everyone for coming. He is particularly grateful for those friends who have travelled some distance to be there – and he mentions Nathan and me by name. It gives me a curious sense of pleasure.

Once dessert has been served, the tables break up and people wander over to meet other guests and friends at other tables. I see Luke get up. He heads towards our table. There is a palpable tension in the air as he arrives and stands beside me.

'Hello stranger…good to see you.'

'You too, Luke.'

He points to the empty chair beside me.

'May I?'


He sits down and turns to face me. He is clearly about to say something when, at that moment, one of the waitresses trips as she's passing and Luke and I are both covered in copious quantities of raspberry coulis, cream and meringue.

'Oh my word…I'm so sorry, sir. Here, let me clean you up.'

Before either of us can stop her, she's dipped one of the linen napkins in the jug of iced water on the table, and is attempting to sponge us both down. This make matters infinitely worse. Luke and I just look at each other, and then burst out laughing.

'Don't worry,' I say to the girl who is clearly very upset. 'These things happen.'

I turn to Luke.

'Luke, I've got a change of clothes in my room. How about you?'

'Umm, no...they're back at the hotel.'

'You're the same size as me – or you used to be…I've probably got something that will fit you too.'

'Are you sure?'

'Let's go and see.' I turn to Nathan who is also laughing. 'We need to clean up and get changed. You be OK if we just go and get something less…raspberryish…on?'

'Sure. See you in a bit.'

Luke and I make it back to my room, and take off our dessert-stained shirts and trousers; fortunately, we'd already both removed our jackets once the meal was over as it had got very warm in the tent. As we stand there in our underwear I catch sight of us both in the mirror.

'God…I've got coulis in my hair…and so have you,' I say.'

'I think we both need a shower as well as a change of clothes.'

'Do you want to go first,' I ask?

'Sure…unless…that is…would you feel uncomfortable with us…showering together?'

The question hangs there in the air. And it feels like this is the time to ask the question I have been burning to get an answer to.

'What happened, Luke?' I ask. 'Why did you dump me…really.'

'Can we sit down?'


We both cross over to the sofa and sit next to each other. His body is still every bit as beautiful as I remember.

'I couldn't handle being away from you, Charlie. That's the truth of it. The prospect of four months without you was…horrible. The camping trip seemed like a good idea at the time; maybe it would take my mind off you. And I thought the circle jerk thing with friends would make me miss you less and I thought the same about the sex I had with Andy – that it might stop me from wanting you so badly. But it didn't. And I don't know what possessed me to keep doing stuff with him – not that we ever did any more than oral. I missed you so much. And then all I was left with was the knowledge that I'd let you down. And I'd done it within a few days of leaving you. I hated myself, Charlie. And I knew you deserved better. I was ashamed. It's the reason I stopped calling you. So I decided I'd try again with Donna and the fact that the sex worked made me think that getting back with a girl would stop me from wanting gay sex and that that would be the best way to walk away and let you find the person you deserved. And that's when I sent you the email. But deep down inside….it wasn't that I didn't want you, I just knew I didn't deserve you any more. And when you didn't fight for me, Charlie…when you just said 'work out who you are before someone else gets hurt' I knew I'd lost you. If you'd said 'no Luke, we both know we love each other, I want you and I want you to come at Christmas' maybe things would have been different. But what you said made me think there was no chance for me. And then, when I finally told you I still loved you, I never got a reply.'

He is almost in tears.

'So it's my fault for not fighting to keep you?'

'No, Charlie. It's my fault for letting you down. But there might have been a second chance if….look, Charlie, you were sixteen and I was seventeen. How were teens who'd discovered first love meant to know how to behave? If it happened now…who knows.'

I cannot explain how I am feeling. Stupid, guilty, bereft, angry…all this and more. But at least I know. And I know that what we had was real.

'I'm sorry, Luke. And thank you for telling me. Sounds like we messed up royally between us.'

'You have nothing to apologise for, Charlie.'

'I'm sorry that we both parted thinking the one of us didn't really care enough about the other. Turns out nothing could have been further from the truth. The good bit is that I have Nathan and you have Chloe…so maybe it was all for the best in the end.'


There's a silence during which we just look at each other. And smile.

'Time to clean up, I think…and…I'd be happy to take a shower with you.'

'Like old times.'

'Like old times.'

We go into the bathroom and take off our underwear. Our bodies are well known to each other but this is the first time we've seen each other naked for three years, and we can't help but gaze at one another. So many memories of holding that body close to me. Of kissing those lips. Of having that cock inside me. And I realise I'm getting hard at the sight of him and the memories...and then his cock starts jerking and pulsing until he, too, is standing at full mast.

'God…I'd forgotten how big you are.'

'And I'd forgotten how beautiful yours is.'

We step into the shower, each under one of the shower heads. There is perhaps a foot between us. I squirt some shampoo into my hand before passing him the bottle. Our fingers touch.

'Brings back memories….' he says.

'Sure does.'

'Good ones, I hope…'

He is now standing facing me. Our faces are inches apart as the water cascades down our bodies. In what feels like slow motion, he leans in and kisses me. I know I should pull away…but I don't And then his tongue flicks against my lips. I want to say no…I want to push him away…but I can't. And my tongue finds his - and we are kissing as we once did. And then his hand takes hold of my achingly hard erection. And the blood is pounding in my ears and I feel like I'm falling…falling…falling.

Afterwards, in the silence that follows as we turn off the showers, we are both a little stunned at what we've done. The evidence is swirling down the drain…or at least his seed is. At the last moment, as I erupted, he fell to his knees, took me in his mouth and drained every last drop from me. My knees feel slightly wobbly. I can't pretend I didn't enjoy it. But I feel terribly guilty.

'This never happened, Luke,' I say.

'I'm pleased it did,' he says, 'it feels like we can now part on the terms that we should have done. With love and affection between us.'

I think about it. And he's right. It feels like something has been put right.

'But it won't happen again.'

'A last hoorah,' he says.

'A last hoorah. Now let me find you something to wear.'

I look out a spare pair of chinos for both of us - white for me, navy blue for him; my obsession with taking plenty of spare clothes has finally found a justification. I choose a fresh, pink linen shirt for me and I find a white one for Luke. Before he puts them on I give both of us a squirt of my cologne.

'Thank you…a final bit of you to take with me,' he says.

As I suspected, the clothes are a perfect fit. And he looks devastatingly handsome. The perfect groom.

The perfect groom…

'Luke,' I say, 'you do love Chloe, don't you? I mean…what we've just done…was that just something between you and me…something to put things straight between us…or is that still the real you?'

He gives me a slightly twisted smile.

'We get on well together. I'm what she wants – and she's what I need.'

It's hardly a devasting protestation of love.

He looks at me, and I can see the watery shine of incipient tears in his eyes.

'I can't pretend I don't still love you, Charlie, I think I always will – or at least a part of me will - but what we just did helped a lot. I don't need sex with other boys, if that's what you mean, and I can now have closure with you. It's what I hoped for when I invited you to the wedding – closure, that is, not what we just did…that was a wonderful, unexpected bonus. So thank you. Nathan is lovely and I am so happy you have each other. I hope you don't feel the need to tell him about what we did. It was just between you and me. A proper end to what we had. And it is an end – so he has nothing to fear from me. But not an end to our friendship, I hope?

He looks at me.

'Definitely not,' I say, 'Hug?'


We embrace. But it is two friends, not two lovers, that hold each other. And though I have no secrets from Nathan, Luke is right. Telling him would only sow doubt and misery where there is no need for it.

Before we go, I throw the raspberry-stained clothes in the bath and cover them with cold water. Hopefully they won't stain permanently. We shut the bathroom door behind us.

'And you and Nathan will come to the family brunch tomorrow, won't you?'

'We'd love to. Thank you.'

Luke and I smile at one another, and make our way back to the reception.

As we walk into the tent, lots of eyes seem to swivel to look at us. The two of stand out amongst all the formal suits and long dresses that the other guests are still wearing.

I sit down beside Nathan.

'Mmm…pretty in pink. You two were gone a long time.'

'We needed a shower…raspberry puree in the hair.'


I give him an old-fashioned look.

'Sorry…that was an unworthy question.'

And now I feel guilty – but at least I haven't lied to him.

'And we had a chat, Nathan – a long one - about…what happened….after he left'


'Long story; but I now know what happened – and, well, I hope we can all be friends again.'

'How intriguing.'

'Actually…there's hours to go before the party tonight. Fancy a walk? I'll tell you all about it.'

'Good idea.'

As we walk out of the marquee, Nathan looks across at where Luke is chatting with Lindsay.

'Your clothes suit him.'

'We always were the same size. Lucky I brought plenty.'

We walk out of the marquee and turn right, walking between the flower beds and then out, through an arch in the yew hedge, into a walled garden that is home to a series of raised bed with herbs in, and fruit trees that have been trained along the walls. In one corner is a greenhouse and in the top corner a little terraced area with a door set into the wall.

I take hold of Nathan's hand as we walk, and I tell him what Luke told me.

'So if you'd chased him – fought for him – he'd still be with you?'

'I don't know, Nathan. But I'm a great believer in all things working for good, so maybe things were meant to happen the way they did, and because it did, we got together. And I am certain that what I have with you is better than anything I could have had with Luke.'

'Do you mean that?'

'With all my heart. And who knows what issues Luke being bi might not have thrown up…or what pressures the distance would have put on us. No. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. But I'm pleased I know what happened. That what he and I had for those few weeks was real. That he didn't just take advantage of me, that I wasn't just some experiment. And I still like him, Nathan, and I hope we can be friends. If that's OK with you.'

He puts an arm round my shoulder, and leans in and kisses me on the cheek.

'Of course it's all right with me.'

We have walked all the way up to the terrace. I open the door in the wall. It take us out onto a path, covered in crushed bark, that winds its way through a copse of trees and down to a small lake. There's a little jetty at which a rowing boat is tied up.

'This place is huge, isn't it?'

'And beautiful.'

'Very beautiful.'

We follow the path past the lake and it brings us back up to the lawn with the marquee on it - but from the other side. A lot of the guests are now outside the marquee in little groups, enjoying the sun.

'Do you want to get changed into something more casual for the evening do?' I ask Nathan. 'I'd feel better if Luke and I weren't the only ones standing out like sore thumbs.'

'Good idea.'

As we walk back up to the house, we're joined by Lindsay and Evelyn who, it turns out, have had the same thought.

'I haven't laughed so hard in ages as when I saw you and Luke covered in raspberry sauce,' says Lindsay.

'Yeah…it was quite a mess. Had got everywhere, including in our hair. But it was a good chance to have a chat with him. About…you know.'

'Really? And so…do you know what happened now?'

'Yes…yes, I do.'

'Is it private or….?'

'I'd be happy to tell you,' I say.

By now we have reached the corridor on which our rooms are situated. Lindsay and Evelyn are in the Garden Room, which is two doors further down from us. I've started on the story, but we are now beside our room.

'I'll continue later,' I say.

'As you're already changed, and provided you don't mind watching me while I get changed, you're welcome to come and sit in our room and tell me the rest of it.'

I look at Nathan, who just shrugs and nods.

The Garden Room is very pretty, with wallpaper featuring climbing plants in greens, yellows, reds and mauves. The coverlet on the bed echoes the pattern – although it is not a four-poster. The 'jack and jill' bathroom is also on a much less grand scale than Nathan and mine's. But the bedroom is a charming room with lovely views over the garden – as the name implies.

I sit in a comfortable armchair and continue my story, while Lindsay strips down to his underwear. Evelyn has gone into the bathroom to change.

'He's shy…but I'm not,' says Lindsay.

'I'm enjoying the view from where I'm sitting,' I say with a smile.

And I am. Lindsay's body reminds me strongly of Luke's – but with a bit more definition. He also has a pleasantly hairy chest and a treasure trail leading down into his boxers. I find myself wondering if he's circumcised like Luke. He walks over to the wardrobe – there's no dressing room attached to the Garden Room – and selects a purple silk shirt and a pair of stone-coloured linen trousers. Somewhat to my surprise, he also kicks off his boxers and puts on a fresh pair. He does this without any embarrassment while facing me, and my question is answered. He is not circumcised. And he is very respectably equipped, with neatly trimmed pubic hair. I feel like I've been given a bit of a show. And that's just fine by me. The shirt and trousers suit him admirably.

I reach the end of my story – and his reaction is much like Nathan's.

'Wow. Well now we know. Does that give you any regrets?'

'No, I don't think so. I'm sorry that we parted for the wrong reasons, but I'm not sorry about the consequences. I love Nathan to bits. I'm pleased that Luke and I can be friends again, though.'

'Me too. And I wish I'd known Luke was up for a bit of boy fun when I was twelve or thirteen. I've always rather fancied my cousin and I had no idea. And if Granny had taken me on holiday instead of Luke…'

I smile.

'Who knows….but I certainly wouldn't have said 'no' if you'd offered – like Luke did.'

I see him raise an eyebrow. 'Tell me more…'

But then the door to the bathroom opens and Evelyn is standing there in an outrageously patterned shirt, but no trousers. He's wearing tighty whities that leave nothing to the imagination. Inside them he is either keeping a very large handkerchief and a pair of socks, or else he possesses genitals of epic proportions.

'Do you think this is suitable?' he asks, pointing to the shirt.

'Absolutely,' says Lindsay.

'It's fantastic,' I add.

'Oh, OK.'

The door shuts behind him again.

I look at Lindsay. He smiles.

'I know what you're wondering. And it's all him. I got the surprise of my life that first time we went to bed together. Go on, ask…I know you want to.'

He grins. And he's got me bang to rights.

'OK…how big?'

'It must be eight inches when it's soft, and somewhere between ten and eleven when hard. With balls to match. The awful thing is, he's embarrassed about it. He feels like a freak, but I try to reassure him. I'm relieved he has no interest in trying to put it inside me – he's entirely passive, which suits me - but even oral sex is a bit of a…stretch. But the more we get into it, the more at ease he's becoming with it. And I couldn't care less whether it's ten inches or ten centimetres…he is just a lovely, lovely guy who makes me very happy. He might have a massive brain at one end and a massive cock at the other – but it's the bit in-between that matters.'

'I couldn't agree more,' I say.

'Now, what was it you were saying about Luke offering…?'

I smile.

'Maybe later. Right now I need to get back to Nathan.'

'I'll hold you to that.'

We give each other a hug.

'See you later.'

'Yes…see you later – oh, and call me Linz, everyone else does.'

When I get back to our room, Nathan is emerging from the bathroom, towelling his hair.

'I decided to freshen up before changing. I assume those are your dirty clothes in the bath?'

'Yes – and Luke's. I'll rinse them out and hang them up. Hope it will help the stains come out.'

Nathan drops the towel and pads, naked, down to the dressing room. I watch him from behind. God he's cute.

While Nathan gets dressed, I rub gently at the raspberry marks, which seem to have faded and then take the shirts and trousers out of the bath and hang them over the shower heads to drain. By the time I'm finished, Nathan is wearing white trousers and a shirt that matches the cornflower blue of the panelling. The contrast with his red hair is stunning.

'You look good enough to eat.'

'There's time for that if you want,' he says with a grin.

I kneel in front of him and unzip him. I manage, with some difficulty - as it's already starting to thicken and harden - to get his cock out and take him in my mouth. He runs his hands through my hair as I go to work. As he gets close, his hands ball up into fists grabbing hold of handfuls of my hair. And then he's past the point of no return, thrusting and filling my mouth with his seed.

'Better?' I ask.

'Mmm…much better,' he says.

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