As They Say

by D K Daniels

Entry 31

Fun & Games

2nd July 1991

It was like today had been secretly planned out without my prior knowledge. I'll get into that in a minute; only I still feel guilty about yesterday. I mean I tried to let Thomas down as smoothly as possible. Except when I think back about it now it doesn't sound as easy as I thought it was going to be. Instead for most of the night, I was restless; I guarantee if Ross did the same to me I'd feel pretty shitty. I didn't even let Thomas explain himself, I just leapt aboard the notion quickly, and I didn't bother to check all my facts. Like I don't even know whether he was spying on me. I'm more annoyed and frustrated at myself for not checking all the signs. Yesterday seemed to touch Thomas on an emotional, so he must have presumed I thought he was more than a friend or something. And to top it all off, I gave them some stupid pathetic hug. I suck; I don't think the Thomas situation has gotten any more straightforward. True it may be over, though it hasn't made me feel any better.

To make matters worse two things happen today. I'm not sure what I did to piss in everybody's breakfasts: earlier. Now it would seem I have a habit of pissing people off. Today when we were all out, minus Thomas because he appeared to be in his moods with me which I wouldn't blame him. Everyone kept asking why he wasn't around and it got to me after a while. I blocked chit-chat from talking about him. I was trying to lead the conversation in another direction subtly; only one of the guys seemed always to manage to come back to Thomas. They were like, "where's Thomas? It's not like him to miss a day."

When I reflected realistically on it; the truth of the matter was that he never actually missed a day. Considering when I was around, no matter hail, rain or snow: Thomas would be there. What if all those times he was only interested in coming along in the group because I was there, and I was a dick.

I spent the majority of the session attempting to persuade everyone to stop inquiring about Thomas because it was beginning to irritate me. Now that I'm home, I'm sadder than I am annoyed. Okay, I'll admit, I'm a little annoyed. But I'm not annoyed at the guys; I'm frustrated with myself for being so goddamn stupid. I mean all I want to do is keep people happy, and I want to be satisfied. Thomas was not the one for me. I don't know how he knows that I'm gay well that's beside the point, sigh… I wish I could take this back. I should've given him a chance just to explain himself, except instead, I cut all ties (it feels like anyway.)

On top of everyone frequently probing questions concerning Thomas's whereabouts, Eli's sister began flirting with me again today. I did not require that at all. And I took my frustration out on Emma and Eli got mad at me. I mean hello... why's everything going to shit all of a sudden. All I did was tell Thomas that I wasn't interested; moreover, I wanted to be friends. Is that a crime, no… I don't think so; however, it sure feels like it is.

After we left the GAA grounds, she came back with a vengeance with the flirting. It appeared out of nowhere. I assumed she was past all of this though apparently not. What was all that talk about at the lake the other time when she said: "you're different." What did she mean about that? I believed Emma knew. Now she's progressed back to this. Furthermore, I'm so sorry I ruined the whole day for everyone. I so badly want to be normal. I can't because I'm attracted to boys, and now because I'm not interested in that particular boy or girl everything is crumbling. I'm not going mental here am I... It feels all of a sudden that I'm hitting my head off a brick wall. Everything looked so plain sailing and then all of a swift… bang: hit the little bubble I appear to be living in.

So, Emma is like, "are you slow or something? I've been trying to get you to notice me for like ever!" I didn't exactly know what to say to that; I was quite dumbfounded at what was happening. The events of yesterday were still fresh in my mind, and I was still pondering the effects of my head. The group persisted discussing Thomas. Eventually, it felt like they were gossiping about me. Like they knew I was the reason as to why Thomas didn't turn up today. I suppose I was somewhat incredibly blunt, at that point, it was starting to get infuriating. Not everyone was questioning about Thomas. Still, why does Emma always try to go after me when I've repeatedly ignored her time and time again.

So I just came out bluntly and said it, "yeah… em… I'm not interested. You're not... I don't know... You know what I like." Or something along the lines of that anyway. Except now when I recollect the response, it sounds pathetic. I don't want to come off as being a moan; only this is how I feel at the moment. I can't help that everything has blown out of proportion all of a sudden.

So, Emma was like, "what do you mean..."

Furthermore, I wasn't sure how I could say it any clearer than that, so I just said, "nevermind... Forget it. I'm just not interested okay! You're not attractive to me."

I was supposed to say that she's not my type. The words come out wrong at the time, and Eli... he tore me a new one. I understand how harsh it sounds now. Trust me; I recall how rude it appeared the moment it left my mouth. I couldn't exactly fix it after I had done it. Instead, I tried to work something out with Eli, though he wasn't having any of it. Thus alternatively, I stormed off and left well enough alone. The unfortunate bit is I forgot Ross was there. I didn't intentionally leave him there: it just happened, and he happened to be there when I stormed off.

When I realised I abandoned him earlier on; I came to my senses. I flew next door to see if he was there and sure enough he was. I've never apologised so much in all my life: maybe ten times. I don't know what's gotten into me. It feels like everything is an increased effort, and if I do something wrong, I exhibit a moment where I'm on the verge of crying. I hope whatever it is it passes soon, and I don't want everybody fighting for Ross's birthday party. I must figure out how then: before then. Hopefully, tomorrow, when I wake up all of the problems, will be gone but that's just wishing for luck I don't have. So, you know... I'm stuck with Eli mad at me. Thomas, I'm unsure of... but yeah. I was grateful to have Ross after I remembered that he was there next-door. Anyway, I think I should get some sleep, possibly some rest will clear my mind somewhat, but I know it won't do a whole lot. Night – Adam.

3rd July 1991

I don't want to state I've been sulking all day; ironically, it's what I have been doing for hours. I'm offended okay. Not with just the problem with Eli and me. I keep thinking back to what I said. I guess I would have torn me a new one too. It's so frustrating; you have no idea. I didn't intentionally mean for it to come out like that. It was at the moment, and she was nagging, so I just said what was on my mind and that's how it came out. I didn't ponder on the thought that if I said that like that: that it would hurt her feelings.

Besides that's not the point, I don't even know why I'm getting so worked up about hurting the girl's feelings. I'm not even interested in them, ugh… Perhaps I am I don't know. It's just... I didn't mean to hurt anybody else. I was merely trying to say what was on my mind and she won't seem to take no for an answer. Would you blame me? She has been pursuing me a lot longer than what Thomas has been showing interest in me before Ross even arrived. You have no idea how badly I want her to knock it off and leave me alone. It's smothering you know, for most of the day I've been sitting here doing nothing. I did meet up at Ross for a little bit, and that was a little bit different as well.

Ross heard what I said yesterday and well… he was a little quiet. I said sorry about another ten times again today for leaving him, but he kept saying "it's okay... you don't need to keep saying sorry." I'm not too sure if he means it or if he's just saying it so that I stop talking about it.

I made him a promise that I'd stop talking about it, so I am going to stop talking about it. That is until me, and Eli gets back on track. I guess that has to be summed up with an apology of some sort from my end, even though I didn't inherently mean it. But whatever I think I better start concocting some redundant excuse when I don't exactly intend it. Then again, I suppose that makes me an even worse person. Making up an apology when I'm obviously not in it with the heart. I know it's moral. It's right to say sorry when you said something offensive, so according to the rules of law, I'm in the wrong because I said something that came in a tad bit harsh.

Also speaking of shitty, I feel incredibly guilty about Thomas. I reckon I will owe him an apology to. Just like everything else in my life, I'll inevitably get around to it, but for now, I want to talk about Ross. I called around to his grandmother's house early, when he saw me he lit up. This was before the small talk fizzled out. I have no idea what went wrong for today but, I thought that the day started off very good actually on the contrary.

When I turned up, Ross was how'd should I say, frisky. That's precisely the word I'm looking for; he was seductive today. Man... Ross had it out for me. I presume you could say the moment I turned up he did everything intentionally a little bit overdramatic; sexually I mean. It started as a joke when we were having a drink at lunch. Ross puckered his lips on the edge of his glass and slurped. Ultimately, he began to do it a little more frequently, and then when I looked over and gave him a quizzical to a sheepish expression: more from personal amusement. Ross, all of a sudden, began to lick the side of the glass with his tongue. Yep, you heard me right he was slurping and, flickering his tongue on the surface of the glass. I could see particles of saliva on the ridge, and it was turning me on oddly. Could you blame me? Ross plainly kept doing it provocatively each time. I looked towards the house to make sure his grandmother wasn't coming from fear and part excitment. I couldn't explain where his newfound playfulness came from, but he seemed to have taken this little game of secret torture to a whole new notch.

Eventually, Ross put the glass down when he finished the contents within. He got up and walked sexily down the field of his grandparent's backyard and then disappeared out of sight behind the shed. I glanced back to make sure that his grandma or granddad wasn't in view. I cautiously arose and followed on from where I had last seen him. When I got to the edge of the outbuilding, Ross wasn't anywhere to be found. I tracked across the uneven earth and jumped out behind the brick building. He wasn't there either, nor had the sudden thrill emanating in my stomach cease. It was like he wanted me to track him down. And he'd play all innocent like when I caught up with him. As I redoubled the shelter, I had a sudden thought of Thomas spying on me from his treehouse. I figured that if I was out in the open that I have to be careful. When I got back around to the front, the outbuilding door was open. I had him now.

If I had seen through this little charade, I wouldn't have easily stepped foot inside. Though he did a good job deceiving me. As I crept into the darkness, I called out his name, "Ross…". I waited for a response; sure as luck... no such voice spoke back. I had never been inside the Wilson's shed before, and I was surprised to find at the back of the shed they had two stables. I went with one of the doors that was cracked open a tad. I just knew he was inside. I prepared to leap; to scared the living daylight out of him. Gripping the door with my two hands, I flung open the divider and delved into the cell. Nothing, only complete and utter blackness. Then I heard a giggle from behind me. I glanced around and as quick as I did Ross pushed me into the cell and bolted the door shut behind me. I suppose you could say I began to panic because I was locked in a very dark space and Ross was on the outside laughing and teasing me lightly. I figure I can say now I'm not overly fond of small and dark places. Oh, and add heights to that list too. Still, Ross remained outside the door, he didn't walk away but he just laughed and as I started to pound on the door asked, "let me out." Though it was still in good humour.

No such response came back to my plea. So, I began to panic, knock and pound harder. Eventually, Ross opened the hatch on the back of the door which was most likely were used to feed the horses. I stopped banging and diverted my attention to the hole in the door. When I bent down, Ross hunkered down with me. I could only see his head through the narrow opening. It was illuminated with the backlighting from the outside world. The light came in the shelter door a ways off. I calmed myself a little bit and peered back at him; he was intently looking at me through the small hatch. Ross then said, "do you like like me?"

Unsure of how to answer the question without turning to a bowl of Jell-O, I began to knock on the door and say, "come on let me out… stop messing about."

Though Ross didn't seem amused. He just gave a quizzical look, raised his eyebrow, followed by a cheeky grin. "Do you like like me, or love me," Ross said.

In all seriousness, the energy that had been in the room drained out, and everything converted to a serious nature. My heart began to pound harder, and I nervously nodded my head for some unknown reason. I have no idea why I was scared, but at the same time I felt vulnerable. "a bit of both…" I teasingly said back. Ross chuckled, and he placed his hand on the edge of the hatch ledge. I did contemplate about grabbing his hand until he let me out, but this seemed gentler. So I let my hand drop towards his; like that the two of us held hands for a moment awkwardly. The silence was thick that when I swallowed my salvia, I thought there was a hole in my neck. Then he shuffled on the outside of the door, and something wet brushed across the palm of my hand. The way I figure it, is that Ross licked my hand. I have no idea why though.

Finally, Ross chuckled before he undid the latch on the back of the door and let me out. I have no idea why he locked me in there, although I guess I spilt the beans on how I feel about them entirely. So yeah… that was pretty much my day. It was fairly good, and I enjoyed the little chase thing that Ross and I did today. Even those it was unplanned, being locked in a horse stable. I'm somehow happy it happened. Anyhow I best be off the bed, night – Adam.