Sunday morning I woke up early, got out of bed, pulled on some running shorts and a t-shirt and got ready to run. When I opened my door Josh was sitting in the hall looking up at me.
"It's about time," he said. "I almost went back to bed. I thought you were getting up early."
"What are you doing?"
"I'm going running. Do you have a pair of shorts I can borrow?"
"Of course, but I didn't think you wanted to go. I was going to go so I'd be back when you got up."
"I woke up to take a piss and decided you're right. We should do things together. I don't like running because I've never done it much. It's painful but I can handle it. Let's get it over with though, I'm hungry."
I smiled. I knew he didn't really want to go. "Thanks," I said handing him a t-shirt and shorts.
He just smiled. "Don't thank me. Now you'll owe me."
Josh was right. He wasn't a very good runner. He might be lean but as far as stamina he wasn't in very good shape. We started out at a slow pace but even at that he was working pretty hard before we hit the end of the first mile. It might have been good for him to work through it but he was breathing pretty hard. I doubt he was enjoying himself.
I stopped and started walking but he just stood there holding his hips gasping for air.
"You okay?" I asked rubbing his back.
"I told you I don't run."
"You're out of shape. You should give up smoking," I smiled.
"I don't smoke asshole. I can't believe you enjoy this."
I put my arm around him. "Come on, let's just walk. You'll feel better."
It took him a few minutes but eventually he was able to breath easier.
"I'll never understand why anyone would get up early to put themselves through this much pain."
"It gets easier if you keep at it," I smiled. "After a while you don't feel right if you don't do it."
"I can't wait," he said sarcastically.
"Does that mean you'll come again?"
"I'll think about it. Are we going to keep going? This couldn't have been much fun for you."
I smiled. "It's okay. Maybe it wasn't much of a run but it was fun. Let's go back and have breakfast. I'm just glad you came along. Thank you. I know you didn't want to."
"Just don't expect it every day. Besides, now you owe me."
I laughed. "You want me to wash your back when you take a shower?"
"You'd enjoy that too much. You have to do something I like."
"What do you want to do?"
"I'm still thinking. I'll come up with something. I need to go by my house to pick up some things. I'd better do it while my father isn't there. Will you help?"
"Of course. We can go over after breakfast. My father said something about going too but we can handle it. We can do whatever you want after that."
"Thanks. I should get some cloths and my guitar. I'd like to take his PC but I probably shouldn't. There are some other things I should probably get while I can too. We might have to take more than one trip. Is that okay?"
"Sure, no problem. Let's get some breakfast and then take a ride."
"Thanks," he said. I could tell he was deep in thought and put my arm on his shoulder.
"Don't worry, things are going to work out."
Mike came running across the street before he could say anything else.
"Dan, we need to talk," he said looking at my arm around Josh. "Let's run."
"Josh and I just got back. We need to have breakfast and then go over to his house. We're studying together."
He looked at Josh. "Can you go inside? I need to talk to Dan."
"Josh, stay here. What's up Mike?" I asked although I was pretty sure I knew what he wanted. I was pretty sure someone at his house had seen Josh and me come in last night. I guess kissing him on the front steps wasn't too smart but if Mike had a problem with it then now was the time to find out.
"Okay... I saw you come home last night. You two were kissing!! ....Are you gay?" he asked looking at me.
There was no point lying. He already said he had seen us. I didn't care if he knew about me but thought Josh would be upset. He didn't even want my parents to know.
I know it sounded pretty stupid but I told Mike that while I'm gay Josh isn't. I tried convincing him that it was me who kissed Josh, that I had misread things and got carried away.
"Josh set me straight," I said. "He said he isn't gay but still wanted me as a friend."
Josh smiled. "Dan, shut up," he said putting his hand on my shoulder. "I appreciate what you're trying to do but you don't have to lie to protect me. Besides, he's not an idiot. We kissed each other. You know it, I know it and Mike knows it."
"Wow... yesterday you didn't even want my parents to know."
"That was yesterday."
"Are you guys, ah, like boyfriends or something?"
I looked at Josh and smiled. "We're friends. It's a little premature for anything else since we just found out about each other two days ago. I hope this doesn't change things between us though."
"I don't know Dan. It does explain some of the stuff you've said but I have to think about it. I like you but thinking about two guys together like that kind of grosses me out. I know Josh was here last night and he's here this morning. He obviously didn't go home. I don't even want to think about that."
"So what are you going to do?"
"What do you mean?"
"Are you going to tell people? Are you saying we're not friends any more?"
"I don't know what we are. I like you but... well, thinking that you might be looking at me like that really creeps me out."
I couldn't help but smile. "Mike... you don't have anything to worry about. I'm not going to attack you or anything. Do you want to jump any girl you see?"
"I just need to think. I saw you and I wanted to ask. I'll see you later."
"Mike... I like you too. I hope this doesn't end our friendship but if it does then I can live with that. What I won't put up with is if you tell people and Josh ends up getting hurt. I'd never forgive you for that and take this anyway you want but you would regret it. Trust me... I'll..."
"Don't worry Dan. It's your business. I'm not going to say anything. You helped me when I needed it and I won't forget that but I need to think about how I feel. ...I need to go. I'll see you later."
I watched Mike as he turned around and walked back to his house. I was kind of dumbfounded. It's not like we were best friends or anything but I did enjoy hanging out with him and thought he was a good guy. Maybe he just needs time.
"You okay," I asked looking at Josh.
"I'm sorry Dan."
"For what? I kissed you remember? You didn't do anything. I just hope he means it that he won't tell anyone. We don't need to give Phil any more reason to do something."
"I don't think he will. I don't know him that well but he's always been a decent guy. Let's give him some time."
"I guess that's all we can do. Let's go have breakfast and go get your stuff."
"Don't forget you still owe me for going running."
"You ran 50 feet!! How much payback do you expect?" I laughed.
"I ran more than that. You owe me."
"What do you want to do?"
"You'll see," he said as we walked inside.
My parents were sitting at the breakfast table when we walked into the kitchen. Josh seemed almost shy being around them in such an informal setting. While my mother was dressed, my father was sitting at the table in his bathrobe. That was normal for a Sunday morning although sometimes even my mother just wore her pajamas until after breakfast. Scott was still in bed, also a normal event for a Sunday morning.
They had been talking before we came in. I don't know what they were talking about since they stopped as soon as they saw us. I didn't like it when they did that and it did seem to happen a lot. All I heard was 'that's impossible'.
"What's impossible?" I asked after my father asked how our run was.
"Oh!! We were just talking about how much Josh and Aaron look alike. They're almost like twins but that's impossible. I was there when Aaron was born. Your mother and I were in one room and Chris and Jackie were across the hall. Jackie had a longer labor so Aaron was born after midnight. You were born the day before, but just barely. You may have liked teasing him about you being older but it really was just by a few hours."
"That's right Dan," added my mother. "You wanted to make your presence known. You came out screaming, Aaron was quiet. Jackie and I joked about it. You did calm down once you and Aaron saw each other. When we got you home, you two would lay in the playpen and just look at each other. It was really cute."
While I obviously didn't remember lying in the playpen with Aaron, I did have some early childhood memories of him. We were always protective of each other even back then. I remember one time when there were a bunch of kids over. I don't know why, it's just something I remember. One of the kids took a toy and pushed me down. Aaron came over and pushed him down. I remember the kid going crying to his mother. Aaron just gave me my toy. It's funny how you remember some things.
"It has to just be a weird coincidence," said Josh. "I was born in NH."
I wasn't sure that was all my parents were talking about but they weren't going to say anything else. All they said was they knew Aaron didn't have a twin. I knew that anyway. I knew him all my life. It is amazing how much he and Josh looked alike however. They really could be twins. It'll be strange if he ever meets Aaron's parents. My parents looked at each other but changed the subject.
"What are you guys doing today?"
"Josh wants to go by his house and pick up some things. After that he says I owe him for going running. He wants to do something he likes to do but he won't tell me what. Going by his house will be okay won't it? His father won't be there, right?"
"It's probably a good time to do it. His father won't be out of jail until Monday at the earliest but I'd bet his lawyer will convince him to get some help and check into a treatment facility."
After breakfast Josh and I took showers, separately, and went to his house to pick up his things. It really hadn't changed since Saturday. The end table Josh had knocked over when his father pushed him was still flipped over beside the couch. Josh just looked at it and went upstairs to his room.
He really didn't have that much. He said his father rarely bought him anything and nothing really at all since he lost his job. He did say his father made him do the grocery shopping so he was able to use some of that money to buy what he needed. Everything else was a gift from his aunt, including his guitar. She had given that to him for his birthday a few years ago.
It was kind of sad. His room was devoid of most of the things I took for granted. There was certainly no computer. There wasn't even a desk to put a PC on. He said he did his homework at the kitchen table and either used his father's PC when he was too busy getting drunk or he used a school computer when he needed to look something up. He had a few books on a shelf and a couple generic posters on the wall. They weren't posters so much as pictures of a lake.
"Do you want to take these?" I asked.
"No, they'll just make me remember," he said. "I've spent too many hours staring at those pictures. It's stupid... I used to wish my father and I could go out in a boat on that lake and fish. I've never really fished but I thought being in the middle of the lake, no booze, where it is quiet would let us be a family again. It's probably better it never happened," he said trying to smile. "He probably would have just thrown me in."
"Josh!!!" I didn't know what to say.
"It's okay Dan. I told you my life sucked. You and your parents have been kinder to me in the last twenty-four hours than my father has been in the last eight years."
I almost said something stupid like 'it couldn't have been that bad' but I caught myself before the words came out. I didn't know how bad it was and even if it wasn't always that bad, Josh felt like it was and I had no business trying to say otherwise.
"Are you ready?" I asked. "Why don't we take this out to the jeep?"
"Yeah, There isn't anything else here." He did put some money that was in his bureau into his pocket. "Twenty-seven dollars and fifty-three cents, that's all I've got to show for myself."
"Trust me," I said. "You've got much more than that to show for yourself."
"Let's go," he said. "Being here is depressing. Let's drop this stuff off at your house and then I'd like to do something."
"Okay. What do you want to do?"
"I'd like to show you a place I like to go. There's a small mountain nearby and I like to go hiking every once in a while. It's peaceful."
I was surprised he wanted to go hiking. I'd never done much hiking but he said it wasn't really a hike, more like a walk in the woods. We dropped his things off at my house putting them in the guest room. He said he'd unpack whatever he needed later but didn't want to unpack everything since he probably wouldn't be there very long.
We told my parents we were going out for a while and got into the jeep. I had to get gas even though Josh said it wasn't that far. It always bothered me using the credit card they gave me to buy gas. I still thought I should get a job but my parents didn't want me to. They said working part-time would take up time that I should be using for other things and the money wasn't worth it. I knew they meant I should be doing karate when they said 'other things' and the more I thought about it, the more I thought they might be right. Studying karate sounded like the right thing to do. I still didn't like them just giving me money but they insisted and said they just expect me to do good in school and help out around the house.
"Tell me more about this place."
Josh smiled. "It's really nothing special. I just go there to relax. It's kind of my place to get away and I want to show it to you. Not many people go there. Sometimes I'll take a book and read all afternoon. That's usually in the summer when I can ride my bike. I don't usually go this time of year since it's cold riding. My father doesn't let me drive even though I have my license."
"It sounds nice and peaceful. So you just hike up the mountain?"
He laughed. "I told you, it's more like a walk in the woods. The trail goes beside a stream and every once in a while you see a deer."
I laughed. "I told him about the moose I saw one morning when I went running with Mike."
"I've never seen one," he smiled. "I guess they're around. There's a small waterfall part way up. If it was warmer we could go swimming."
I clenched the wheel and my whole body shook when I heard him say 'waterfall'. I must have jerked the jeep because I saw Josh jump and grab the door out of the corner of my eye.
"Dan, what's wrong? ...Are you okay? .....Dan?"
"Sorry," I said trying to force a smile. "Yeah, I'm fine. Are we almost there?"
"Yeah, it's about five miles."
We drove in silence for about ten minutes. It was a back road and the speed limit was only 35. I was lost in thought. I could feel Josh watching me but he didn't say anything, neither did I. I know I had tears in my eyes.
He pointed to a dirt road and said there was a parking area about a half mile in.
"Are you okay?" he asked when we turned onto the dirt road. "Why are you crying?"
I wiped my eyes with my sleeve and looked at him. "Aaron died at the waterfalls we used to go to."
He just sort of put his head back against the headrest. "Oh man, I'm such a fuck up. I'm sorry. Why didn't you tell me? We don't have to go."
"No," I said trying to smile. "It's not your fault. You didn't know. ...It's fine. I was just thinking. It'll be fun."
"Will you tell me about it?"
"Let's wait until we get there. I don't want to start crying like a baby and hit a tree," I laughed. "Tell me more about this place. How often do you come?"
"Not very often. I told you my father won't let me drive. I guess it's sort of my escape. Some people use drugs, I just come here to think. I prefer that approach. After seeing what's happened to my father with alcohol I don't want to go anywhere near that stuff or drugs. It's too easy to let it control your life."
"I agree. I've never understood why people get involved in that stuff. Fortunately my parents kept pretty tight reins on me after Aaron died plus Jason was there. Once I told him I just wanted to get fucked up and forget but he talked me out of it. He convinced me it wasn't an escape. I did try to escape for good when I attempted suicide but that's not the solution either. Fortunately now I realize that things do get better," I smiled as we turned into a small parking area.
Josh was right, we wouldn't be seeing many people. There was only enough room for four or five cars and there was only one other car besides us. I did have to agree with him, it was a pretty area. The leaves had already changed colors and had started falling from the trees.
"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked before we got out of the jeep.
I smiled. "Yeah, I'm fine. I was just thinking, that's all. Let's go Thumper."
We got out of the jeep and started walking along a narrow trail. There was a stream with crystal clear water running alongside. Sunlight was coming through the trees and shining on the water. He was right about something else too, it wasn't much of a hike.
We walked in silence for a few minutes before I said anything,
"It happened at the waterfall near our town. We used to go there all the time to be alone. It was pretty isolated and nobody ever went there. It was our place. We'd usually go swimming ...skinny dipping," I said trying to laugh.
"One day it had rained in the morning and it was still really humid after lunch. We went to the falls because Aaron wanted to go swimming. He was out of his clothes and climbing up the rocks before I had even taken off my shirt. I kind of took my time because I liked watching his butt as he climbed naked up the rocks."
Tears were rolling down my cheeks and I wiped my eyes with my sleeve. Josh reached out and took my hand.
"It's okay Dan. You don't have to tell me."
"No, it's okay. I want to. ...Like I said, it had been raining. The rocks were wet. We had climbed those rocks hundreds of times before but it didn't matter. He looked back and yelled for me to stop perving and to hurry up. Before he turned back he took another step and fell. He slipped on a rock. We had jumped off those rocks for years and always missed the rocks in the water. It was easy if you jumped but Aaron fell. He hit his shoulder and head on a rock in the water."
Josh moved closer and put his arm around my back. "It's okay Dan."
"I'm okay. I haven't really told anyone the complete story. ...It was like my heart stopped when I saw him fall. I jumped into the water and rushed towards him. He was still conscious but couldn't move. He was just looking at me. It was like he was looking inside me. I didn't know what to do. I'd always heard not to move people because it could do more damage but I couldn't leave him there either so I moved him to the edge of the water as slowly and gently as I could. He just kept looking at me not saying a word. I think he knew he was dying."
"I had to get help but our cells didn't work that far out. I tried telling him I'd go get help but he wouldn't let go. He whispered for me to hold him. Later they told me it didn't matter. There was nothing that could have been done to save him. The head injury was too severe. If I had left he would have died alone but by staying they said he had some comfort when he went. I still have doubts about that."
"What if I had gone for help? Would he still be alive? What if I hadn't been watching? If I had climbed up with him and hadn't been enjoying the view he wouldn't have fallen. I thought it was my fault. I still do but there isn't anything I can do about it. I remember his eyes closing for the last time right after he mouthed 'I love you'. I just leaned down to kiss him and felt his breathing stop."
"Dan, it wasn't your fault. He slipped. It was an accident. You can't blame yourself. Have you told anyone else you feel this way?"
"No, I know they'd just say what you did. They'd try to convince me it wasn't my fault. Deep down I know it wasn't. It's not like it was the first time I watched him climb those rocks. I just can't help blaming myself. I felt so guilty every time I had to see his parents."
Josh put his arm around me and we sat on some rocks.
"I don't know how long I sat there holding him. Eventually some people came looking for us. My parents got worried when we didn't come home. They knew we were going to the falls but they didn't know where it was for sure. When they called for help the fire department sent some people to look for us. They found me holding Aaron's dead body, crying like a baby. His blood was all over me. I couldn't even talk. They said I was in shock."
"I'd say you wouldn't believe how hard it was but I'm sure with losing your mother that you do. The short version is that I've been depressed for the last year. I've been going through the motions but nothing has helped. At least nothing helped before meeting you. I told you I tried to kill myself. I just wanted it to be me instead of him."
I felt Josh cringe when I mentioned suicide.
"Don't worry, I'm okay. Seeing Scott crying when I woke up in the hospital made me realize how stupid I was. Maybe that's why I actually have some sympathy for your father. I kind of know how he feels. Fortunately I wasn't successful and my parents got me help. It's still been hard. I haven't felt happy since that day. At least until the other night." I said looking at him and smiling. "Friday night with you was the first time since Aaron died that I really felt good."
"Dan, I don't know what to say. I know what it's like to lose someone you love. I told you it's like I lost two people that day. First my mother then my father. My Mom got killed in an accident too but I was lucky, I didn't have to see it. I was asleep in the back seat. I didn't know she died until the next day. It was hard but when I saw her it was like she was sleeping, not dead. I can't imagine going through what you did."
I pulled him closer. "Thanks," I said. "I meant what I said about Friday. It helped me realize that life does go on. It was like a light went on. I can't say I'm 100% but I do feel a lot better." I turned my head and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you," I said again.
He smiled. "Why don't we walk a little more? The waterfall isn't that far. We don't have to go if you don't want but I find them relaxing. They're not that big. Certainly nothing that we're going to climb up or anything. It's just nice to sit and relax."
"Let's go. ...I'm okay, really. I wanted you to know how Aaron died. I've never told anyone the complete story or that I blame myself. I thought you should know."
"You should you know? You should talk to your counselor."
"I think I just did."
He stood up giving me his hand to help me up as well. We kept holding hands as we walked further up the trail. We didn't say much. I guess we were both lost in thought. It was really peaceful. We heard a few birds and at one point saw a couple deer. They ran into the woods when we got too close however.
Josh let go of my hand when we saw two guys coming down the trail. They looked at us and smiled. "Don't worry," the taller one said as he leaned over and kissed the other guy on the cheek. "I'm Darren and this is Jimmy. We were just out for a walk but are heading back to the dorm to get some homework done. We're both freshmen at NH Tech."
"Hi, I'm Dan and this is Josh. We're just out for some fresh air."
Josh blushed when Jimmy smirked. "Yes, it is better in the fresh air," Darren said grinning.
I just smiled. "It isn't like that. We're only juniors in high school and we're just friends."
"I never walked around holding hands with my friends in high school. That must be something new for 'just friends' to do."
That made me blush. He had a point. Claiming Josh is just a friend and then holding his hand, or hugging him, or kissing him, is probably kind of stupid. The problem is I didn't know what he is. I liked holding his hand, hugging him and kissing him. I was pretty sure he liked it too since he didn't object.
I was also pretty sure I was ready to move on. I told Aaron I was. Is Josh the one? I enjoy being with him. I care about him and want to help him. I just can't bring myself to take that next step. I feel it getting closer though. I know one of these times I'm going to tell him I love him when I'm holding him. I just need to make sure it's what I feel and not just what I'm feeling at the time if you know what I mean. I know me. Once I cross that line there will be no turning back. Am I ready for that? Is he?
"You guys are cute when you blush. It's a nice day to see the falls. Nobody else is up there so you'll have the place to yourself," Darren said smiling more.
"We're really only out for the nature," said Josh although he turned even more red when Jimmy laughed.
We talked for a few more minutes. "Seriously guys, it's cool. Jimmy and I have only been together for a few weeks and we really don't know any other gay guys. It's nice to meet some even if you're still in high school. I didn't know anyone in high school since I was scared what would happen if people found out. It's a lot easier in college. We don't have to explain things to our parents and most people around school don't care."
"My parents already know," I said.
"Wow!!!! How did they take it? My parents would freak."
"My mom is okay but my dad is only starting to accept it. He thought it was a phase or something."
"That's great man, really. Do you guys have cell phones with you? Maybe we could exchange numbers. We can get together sometime for pizza or something. Don't worry, we're not looking to fool around or anything. Jimmy is all I can handle. It would just be fun to hang around with some friends we can be ourselves with."
I looked at Josh who just shrugged. "Sure," I said. "That could be cool." We exchanged numbers and said good-bye. We debated whether we'd ever hear from them as we walked up the trail. We were probably both wondering if we wanted to.
I reached for his hand as we walked but he pulled it away. "Josh? You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm sorry," he said taking my hand. "I'm just worried someone else might see us. Only Chris and Ryan knew I was gay before this weekend. Now it seems everyone is finding out. ....Don't worry, I'm just being stupid."
"It's okay. Not everyone would understand two guys walking together holding hands. It's too bad. Nobody would have a problem if one of us was a girl. Even with the better acceptance of gay people today I think a lot of people tolerate it but don't really want to see it. I've decided I can't worry about that. Back in Illinois I didn't advertise that I'm gay but I didn't deny it either."
"I guess I need to get used to it," said Josh. "I like holding your hand. I just wish I could read your mind. I don't know what you're thinking about all this. That guy was right, friends usually don't go around holding hands let alone hugging and kissing. Are you only looking to be friends or do you want more? Don't answer that since I need to answer the same question and I'm not sure I'm ready to do that either."
We kept walking. It wasn't much further to the falls. Josh was right in that they weren't anything like the falls back home. It was just nice to be there with him. There was nobody else around so we had the place to ourselves. I stood watching the water run over the rocks. There was only about a five foot drop. Josh said the area at the bottom was deep enough to go swimming but the water was too cold.
"This is pretty. I can see why you like it here."
"It's nice. There is hardly ever anyone here."
We didn't say anything for a few minutes. I'm sure we were both thinking the same thing but neither of us wanted to start the conversation. After a couple of minutes I finally said, "Josh, we need to talk about what's happening."
"I know. I'm just nervous. A lot is happening. I'm not sure what I want. I think I'm falling in love with you but everything is happening so fast. Two days ago I thought you were straight and didn't know why you wouldn't talk to me. Now I'm here with you and at least for the time being I'm living at your house. That's quite a change in two days. I know I like you. I like you a lot. I told you I've had a crush on you. I even believe that you see me as me and not Aaron, at least most of the time. I just can't imagine you feeling about me like you felt about him. I don't want to do something just because I think it's what you want. I can't do that. I have to feel you want me and not just for sex. On the other hand I'm worried if I don't do something then I'll lose you."
"Lose me? You're not going to lose me. I know we got off on the wrong foot but we're friends now aren't we?"
"I guess. I mean yes. I'm just scared. I've never felt like this before. I don't know what to do and I'm afraid I'll do or say the wrong thing. I don't want to make you wait because you'll find someone else but I don't want to just do anything you want either."
"Josh, time out ... take a breath ....you're not going to lose me. You're right, there is a lot going on for both of us. I'm not in any hurry. I need to figure things out too. I'm not sure I'm ready to commit to anything. I know I like you. I like being with you. I like holding you and I definitely like kissing you. Like you said, it's all happening so fast."
He sighed. "I know. It's as much me as it is you. I'll be honest. There isn't much holding me back but I'm just scared to cross that line."
"It's okay. I feel the same and it scares me. On the other hand it excites me. Look how far we've come in two days. Look at it this way... you're holding back because you're a little scared, right? This is all new and you're scared you're going to get hurt?"
"Actually I'm petrified."
I smiled. "I'm petrified too. I'm petrified that I'm going to hurt you. I want to make sure when I cross that line that it's for the right reasons."
"So what do we do?"
"How about we keep going how we are? Getting to know each other."
"I guess. I'm just not sure how long I can wait. I jerked off in the shower after we ran just to keep me from getting too horny again. That was embarrassing the other night."
I smiled. "You and me both... Tell you what. How about we be somewhere between friends and boyfriends?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you said friends don't hold hands and kiss and stuff like that but I like holding your hand and kissing you."
"Yeah, me too."
"Then how about we say we're beyond friends but not quite boyfriends yet. I'll even promise not to kiss anyone else or hold anyone else's hand but yours not that there is anyone else I'm interested in. Think of it like giving each other the right of first refusal." I smiled.
"Like that's going to happen."
"What? You won't promise that?"
"No ...I mean yes ...Of course I will promise that. I just meant I'm not really flush with opportunities to kiss other guys."
"Oh, I get it," I smiled teasing him. "You'll take me because there's nobody else."
"NO!!! That's not..."
I smiled. "Relax, I'm joking. Now come here. Let's practice some of those more than friends, less than boyfriend activities," I said putting my arms around him. I felt his arms slide around me as we pulled each other close and brought our lips together. We stayed that way for a good five minutes, holding each other tight and kissing passionately. I even felt his tongue against my lips so I opened my mouth and felt him push it against mine.
It felt fantastic. My heart was pounding and I could feel the warmth and passion oozing out of him. He was also rubbing against me. My mind was on overload from the feelings I was experiencing. It was all I could do to not put my hands all over his ass or worse try to slide them into his pants. Finally I moved my lips and put my chin on his shoulder.
"You keep that up and it's going to be me who cums in my pants today. Where did you learn to kiss like that?"
"I had a good teacher but I also wanted to show you that you don't have to hold back. I was surprised the other night, that's all. I wanted to show you I knew how to kiss even though I'd never done it."
"I didn't want to scare you."
"I know but there's no need."
"Let's talk some more. I don't want to go home with a big stain on my crotch."
"What do you want to talk about now?"
I gave him a big smile. "Let's talk more about being boyfriends"
"What? You just said we didn't have to make that decision now. I didn't think you wanted to jump into anything."
I smiled. "I don't. I just want to talk about what that means to me. It may not mean the same thing to you. You might not even want the type of boyfriend I do, I don't know. Perhaps you just want to slut around and only have some good times," I laughed.
He frowned when I said that.
"It's just that I've had a boyfriend before, you haven't. Aaron was not only my boyfriend, he was my best friend. All those things I said in class that day he and I had them. There was nothing we couldn't tell each other. There was nothing we wouldn't do for each other. I really would have done anything, including having it be me who died, if it would help him and make him happy. The best thing is that I know he felt the same way. I'll be honest. I want that again. I don't know if it's even possible but that's what I want. I know that's pretty deep for a couple of sixteen year olds, especially one who has never had a boyfriend before."
"Dan, it's not that I don't want that. It sounds great. It's just that this is all new and I can't imagine anyone caring about me like that. My mother was the last person who actually loved me. Since then I've felt there must be something wrong with me. If my own father can't love me then why would anyone else? I'm having a hard time believing that you could see me like that. I'm nothing special."
"Josh ...please don't say that. You don't see it, do you?"
"You're a great guy. I'm really amazed at how good a person you are given all you've been through. That's all you, nobody else and it is special. You should be proud of the person you are. Don't let a few jerks or the fact you might not have many friends because your father wouldn't allow it influence your opinion of yourself. I don't even want to imagine how I'd be if I had to deal with half the stuff you have to. Look how I was after Aaron died and I had all kinds of family support."
"I guess," he said unconvincingly.
"Josh ...the only reason I don't want to use the love word and the boyfriend word now is that we both need to be sure. It's not that I don't want you as my boyfriend. I need to be 100% sure I don't see you as Aaron and you need to be sure it's me you want and that it's not simply because this is all new and exciting."
He laughed. "You're the one who said he is excited today. How about less talk and more of the less than boyfriend but more than friend activities," he said as he wrapped his arms around me again.
"Mmmm, I like that idea too," I moaned.
We held each other kissing and moaning without saying anything else. Holding him felt good. My insides were doing flips. I knew I loved him but I didn't want to tell him that yet, or at least like this. I didn't want him to think I was just saying it because I was horny. The thing that struck me was that I never once confused him with Aaron and that made me feel good.
We finally broke our kiss and smiled at each other. "I've never kissed anyone like that," he said practically giggling.
I smiled. "I promise I won't hurt you."
He smiled. "We should get going. If we don't and we keep doing this then I won't be able to stop."
"I know," I sighed. "I don't want to leave but it is getting late and I do have some homework. Besides, if I feel you against me any more then I'll be the one who cums in his pants."
"Oh yeah?" he smiled and wrapped his arms around me again pushing his thigh against my crotch.
That's all it took. I felt myself cross that point of no return and knew there was no use fighting it. I held him tight and just let it happen, my body shaking.
"Ohhh Josh, you did that on purpose," I moaned as I felt cum shooting into my jeans.
"Yup," he smiled. "Now we're even. I hope you still have that towel in your jeep."
"Asshole," I smiled giving him a kiss. "Let's go find out."
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