I would really like to have you as a mom. Next to Emma, you are the only person who treated me nice. But Scotty doesn't love me anymore. After what I did I don't blame him. I betrayed him. I betrayed you. So it's probably best if I just leave. I'm taking Emma to a redwood forest. I heard there's one up by San Jose. I'm going to put her ashes under one of the trees, just like she wanted. It'll be the biggest one I can find. I don't know if I'll come back to Los Angeles so I just want to say good luck and thank you for everything you tried to do for me. I have trouble remembering things, but I think it will be hard to forget you.

Tears streamed down my face as I thought about what I was leaving behind. But I couldn't stay. I'd been home from the hospital for more than a week and was still sleeping on the living room sofa because Scooter wouldn't allow me in his room. Judy was beside herself. She really wanted to give me a good home. She was still treating me well, but things weren't the same. I think she was having second thoughts. I wasn't exactly what she had bargained for and if she wasn't going to throw me out, then I would just have to leave.

I folded the letter and stuffed it into an envelope and left it on the kitchen table. I stuffed Emma's urn into my backpack and headed out the door.

It was nearly noon when the car pulled to the side and the driver pushed the door open to let me in. I was shocked to see that it was a girl. She couldn't be more than a few years older than me.

"Didn't your mother tell you not to pick up strangers?" I smiled, got in and slammed the door shut.

"Are you dangerous? You sure don't look it." She giggled and flashed an inviting smile.

"Looks can be deceiving." I tried hard to look tough, but couldn't help breaking into a smile.

"Well, maybe I was wrong. That smile sure looks dangerous. A girl could certainly be led astray by that." She turned her attention back to the road and sped up the on ramp to the north one o one.

It had taken most of the morning for me to get to the freeway, but just a few minutes to hitch a ride.

"So where ya headed? I'm going to Ventura. Oh, and my name's Cindy." She held out her hand.

I took her hand and gave it a gentle shake. "I'm Rat and I'm taking my mother to San Jose."

"Oh, she's in here," I patted my backpack as I held it on my lap. "I'm going to scatter her ashes under the redwoods."

"That's your mother?" She looked shocked and didn't seem to know what else to say. "I'm sorry."

"Oh, it's ok, she said she could live forever as part of a tree and she wanted me to find the biggest one in the forest."

"That's so sweet. You're a really good son to do this for her. I hope my boy turns out as good."

"You've got a boy?" She looked too young to have a kid. Then again, she was older than me.

"Naming him Rat prob'ly isn't a good idea I don't mind it, but most kids would."

"Don't worry, you couldn't have known. We got married just days before he left. A month later I was a widow. And pregnant."

She giggled a little. "His name was Norman. That was the only thing I didn't like about him."

Cindy talked the whole way to Ventura so it was easy for me to keep from having to talk about myself. I did tell her about Judy and Scooter though. She was more than a little disappointed that I turned out to be gay. She had just been offered a job and was apartment hunting.

She had arranged for a motel room and invited me to spend the night. There was only one bed so we had to share. I slept with my back to her and she snuggled up behind me and held me in her arms. It felt nice and I found myself wishing she would do more, but I was more than willing to settle for the feel of one female hand on my bare chest as I slept in my boxers.

I'd had sex with a handful of women while living on the streets. The first one was quite an adventure. I had no idea what to do and she didn't have the patience to teach me. She got angry when I couldn't get her to cum and refused to pay. The second showed me what to do, but I wasn't very good at it. She laughed and handed me a ten. It was half what we'd agreed on. She said I should be paying her for the lessons. I swore right then and there that there'd be no more women, but I was always pretty desperate to make a buck and never turned one down. Fortunately, there weren't many more.

But Cindy was an exception. She was nice, and she was pretty. It felt good to be in her arms. I really wanted it. But I had already told her I was gay and she seemed satisfied with just holding me. I didn't want to ruin that and eventually fell asleep.

After breakfast, which she bought for me, I found myself back on the highway. It took a while, but I managed to get lucky. I found myself sitting next to a traveling salesman headed for San Francisco. I slept most of the way and he had to wake me to let me out.

I wasn't far away, but it took a couple hours to hitch another ride that dropped me right at Big Basin State Park. It was late afternoon and starting to cool off. The only clothes I had were what I was wearing and the blanket I had rolled up in my backpack along with a box of chocolate chip cookies. My stomach started rumbling and I really wasn't used to going hungry anymore. It would be long night.

I headed into the park and discovered a campground. I noticed several sites with tents set up and no one around. I found one that appeared secluded where it was unlikely I would be seen. I unzipped the tent and stepped inside. There were a couple sleeping bags, grocery bags, and an ice chest. Paydirt! I quickly rolled up one of the bags and used a cord to tie it to my backpack. Then I stuffed a plastic grocery bag with food and beer from the cooler. I stepped back outside and quickly disappeared down a hiking trail marked with a sign that said something about the mother and father of the forest.

I couldn't believe the size of the trees. They were awesome. Like living skyscrapers. I could only imagine what it might be like to try and climb one. You could prob'ly parachute from the top. I stepped inside one. Yeah, it was split open and had enough room inside to lie on the ground, completely inside the tree. I figured I could live inside one of these things. Now I know why Emma wanted to be one of them. I've never even dreamed of anything so amazing.

I knew where I'd be sleeping tonight, though I'd have to find one further off the trail where I wouldn't be discovered. I continued up the trail a bit further. There was a sign next to an even bigger tree than I'd seen before "The Father of the Forest" it said. Seventy feet in circumference. I think that means how big around it is. Further down the trail was another huge tree, "The Mother of the Forest." The sign said it is the tallest tree in the park at three hundred and twenty-nine feet and more than two thousand years old. Incredible.

"Ok Emma, this is where you'll rest." There were people around so I couldn't just dump her out. "Looks like it will be tomorrow, though. I have to do this when no one's around."

I walked up the trail a little further, then headed off into the forest. It was a while before I found a tree that suited my purpose, but I found one. It was almost dark. I rolled out my sleeping bag and pulled the blanket out of the backpack. I could use it for a pillow. I set the urn with Emma's ashes off to the side and out of the way. Dinner was beef jerky, Doritos, and beer. Not long after sunset, I was full, drunk, and asleep.

It was cold the next morning when I awoke, and barely light. If I wasn't afraid of peeing all over myself, I wouldn't have gotten out of the sleeping bag. I shivered and wrapped my arms around myself as I poked my head outside the tree and took a look around. There were a few birds, a squirrel, and nothing else. I stepped out and padded over to a fallen log. It must have been a hundred feet long and I was at the base. It was twice as big around as I was tall. I felt so small. Then again, Shaquille O'Neal would prob'ly feel small in this place.

I began jogging in place trying to stay warm and get my blood flowing while I waited for my boner to go away so I could pee. I always thought it odd that a boner makes it so I can't pee, but I always get one when I have to. I hate that. It finally went down enough that I could start, then I didn't think I would ever finish.

I was glad that I'd slept in my clothes. It was freezing. I made my way back to the tree. I was hard again by the time I got there. When I was turning tricks, there wasn't much need to masturbate. There was even less need when I was sleeping with Scooter. But it had been a while and my dick was screaming for attention. Besides. It would be a good way to keep warm and I could make myself a little snack before breakfast.

It took almost an hour to find my way back to the trail. I finally recognized a big rock that I had passed while looking for a place to sleep and knew which way to go. It was still pretty early and no one was around when I got to the Mother Tree. I had left all my stuff in the hollow tree where I'd slept, taking only the urn with Emma's ashes inside my backpack. I pulled it out and opened it for the first time. I looked inside. It looked like dust, but there were several bigger bits in there too. I guess those were bones.

"Well Emma... mom... mommy." My eyes were starting to tear up. I was having second thoughts. Maybe I should just keep her. No. I had to do what she wanted. It was her wish. I couldn't be that selfish. There was no way to keep her anyways. Soon I'd be living in garbage cans again.

I wiped my eyes and began shaking her ashes out around the base of the tree. I spread them with my foot so it wouldn't look like they'd been dumped there. I had no idea if this was legal and I didn't want some park ranger figuring out what it was and scooping her back up. I didn't come here for that.

When I was done I put the urn back into my pack. I stood there looking at her. "Ok, Emma. You were the best mother any little Rat could hope for. Now you can be the best mother any forest could ever want." The tears streaked down my face as I said goodbye. I didn't try to wipe them. I let them drop to the ground. They were for Emma and maybe, maybe she could take them into the tree with her.

What did I have to say for myself? She couldn't be serious. I had nothing to say for me or for anyone else. I just sat in the chair and stared at the floor wishing the horrible ordeal would end.

I had spent the last three days living in the hollow tree in the forest. I visited Emma every morning before heading to the campground to find food. Find, yeah, steal was more like it. I didn't like doing it. I had to. I had no other means.

This morning I'd been caught. I thought the campsite was empty. I went into the tent and started rummaging through stuff to see what I could find. Then it happened. Two big guys appeared in the doorway. They kicked the shit out of me before handing me over to the park ranger.

I was arrested. I'd never been arrested before. My hands were cuffed behind my back. I was dragged to the jeep and driven to the station. The interrogation began. It was worse than the cops on TV.

There was an uncomfortable silence when I told them my name was Rat. It was like they knew me. The rangers left me sitting alone in the room. I could see one of them peeking through the window in the door every so often, but no one came in. It had to have been a couple hours at least.

When the door finally opened, one of the rangers led Judy into the room. I looked away in shame. I couldn't face her. At one time she wanted to be my mom. I had wanted it too. Maybe she still did. No. She couldn't possibly still want that. I just wasn't cut out to be someone's son. Not a decent person's son, anyways. Emma was the best I could hope for, and she was dead.

I had nothing to say. There was nothing to say. I was a thief. And I was going to jail. Why was she even here? She couldn't have driven from LA that fast.

"If you wanted to keep your promise to Emma, all you had to do was ask. I'd have brought you." She looked older somehow. No, she looked like she hadn't been sleeping. There were dark circles under her eyes. I realized she wasn't wearing any makeup. "We've been worried sick about you."

I hung my head. A tear went rolling down my face. Not here. Not now. Please don't cry, I begged myself.

"Scotty and I have been looking for you for two days. I thought we'd never find you. I couldn't even be sure you'd come up here. Thank God you're alright."

She leaned over to the ranger and whispered something. He nodded, got up and left the room. She just looked at me. I know she wanted to say something, but she didn't look like she had the energy.

"I'm sorry," I barely squeaked out the words. "I didn't think you wanted me anymore."

Before she could say anything Scooter stepped into the room. He hesitated for a split second, then practically jumped across the room, wrapped his arms around me and squeezed so hard I could barely breathe. He almost knocked me out of the chair.

Judy arrived at the park the day after I did and began passing out fliers. Everyone in the park had heard of the runaway boy named Rat. Judy paid for everything I had stolen so no one wanted to press charges. The rangers had to let me go. I took Judy to the redwood grove and we all said goodbye to Emma. Then I showed them the hollow tree where I'd lived for three days.

We spent the night in a motel. The next morning, after the car was packed, Judy turned to us and said, "Alright boys, ready to head for home?"

I just smiled. For the first time in my life, I actually had a home to head for.

Epilogue – Author's Note

I have debated whether or not to append this story. I would like to think that it can stand as is, without further explanation. But I have also thought the story does have some inconsistencies where Rat's memories are concerned and surrounding his amnesia so I have decided to clarify just a bit.

Rat's amnesia is real. He does have some vague recollections of his previous life, but nothing more. He states at one point that his memories are like shadows and at another point that it is painful to remember and that he wishes he could forget. He also provides some very detailed memories of his mother, father, and mother's boyfriends. How is this possible?

Rat's memories are no more than shadows. They consist of pictures in his head, smells, sounds, sometimes words that were said. They don't really make sense. Like most people, he wants to have memories and he wants those memories to make sense. So in his mind, he has constructed stories around these shadows. He has incorporated them into his memories and they are now a part of those memories. They are not actual memories, they are false. But he believes them.

The psychologist alludes to this in his assessment by telling him things that Rat doesn't even know about himself. I thought about including further discussion with Dr. Johansen as part of the story, but thought it might get too boring. Besides, Rat can't really tell what he doesn't know. It's an unfortunate limitation of having an amnesiac tell his life story. So I have decided to tell it here instead.

Dr. Johansen was correct in his assessment that Rat was severely abused by his mother. This is too painful and traumatic for Rat to remember so he has blocked it out or constructed false memories to reduce the pain. Rat does remember the abuse, but in his memories, most of it was committed by his mother's boyfriends. The reality is that most of the abuse was committed by his mother, even the sexual abuse was committed with his mother's consent and she was present for most of it.

Rat's mother never wanted him and tried several times to give him away. This is how the memory of Rat's father was formed. Rat remembers running away from home. He remembers being picked up by police and riding the bus home. However, this memory had little to do with his father. It occurred after one of his mother's attempts to give him away. She took him to a man who could have been Rat's father. He denied it and refused to take the boy or to give the mother any money to support him. Shortly thereafter, Rat ran away from home for the first time. Remembering that his mother tried to give him away was too painful so in his mind, he confused the two events and concocted a story to make sense of the confusion. In the story, Rat's mother tries to protect Rat by refusing to tell him who his father is. Not a pleasant memory, but far less painful than the reality.

Rat's final memory of his mother is that she got married, left for a honeymoon, and never returned. Rat doesn't know why, but believes that something must have happened to prevent her from coming back. Maybe it was his new stepfather who didn't like him very much. This never happened. The reality is that Rat came home from school one day to discover that he couldn't get into the apartment where he lived. His mother had simply left, no explanation, no goodbyes, no nothing. He was locked out and had nowhere to go. Again this was too horrible for Rat to remember so in his mind he concocted another, less painful story where he could believe that his mother would have returned if he had simply been able to stay in the apartment long enough.

Somehow, he ended up on the streets of Hollywood. He doesn't remember who he is, how he got there, or where he's from. He begs, borrows, steals, and prostitutes himself to survive. But more than anything else, he spends his time in search of someone who will love him and care for him. I'd like to think that he's finally found two of those someones.

One final note. This story is based largely upon true stories told to me by teens I counseled back the 80s and 90s. Of course all the incidents didn't happen to the same person and I've changed them a bit in order to make a coherent story out of them, but there's a lot of truth in this story. However, the story and all the characters in it are purely fictional. I hope you enjoyed it.

Think good thoughts,

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Rat in a Drain Ditch

A story by e

Chapter 5