This story was written as an experiment and as "therapy" at a time when I was at a cusp in my life, and I'd realised that closets are pretty lonely and started inviting other people inside. Some of those people drew my attention to the handle on my side of the door, and I've taken a few peeks outside.
Special thanks to It's Only Me from Across the Sea for hosting this story, and to him and my friend Flopot for encouraging me to do it!
This story contains explicit descriptions of sexual acts between the characters in it. Although the characters are teenagers who may be below the age of consent in the country or state where this is read, nothing written here should be taken as approval of, or encouragement for, sexual liaisons between people where such liaisons are either illegal, or objectionable for moral reasons. Although this story does not include safe sex practices, it is everyone's own responsibility to themselves and to each other to engage only in PROTECTED SEX. It is a story. Any resemblance to real persons is purely coincidental. Nothing represented here is based on any fact known to the author.
The story is copyright 2001 by "Feangol". If you copy the story, please leave the credits, and the web address of http://www.iomfats.org present, and also the email address of firstname.lastname@example.org. I'd love to receive feedback.
Apologies for the delay. I wrote most of this Chapter fairly soon after the previous one, then my life got a little interesting.
First off I resigned from my job - still working out my notice but that's made life interesting. This was part of a "fresh start" I felt I needed in my life. It wasn't going where I wanted.
Next I came out to my parents and the last of my friends who didn't know. I am still stunned by how well that all went. Big thanks to "It's Only Me from Across the Sea" for his advice during that time. I have great friends and amazing parents. I feel so humbled and grateful. Needless to say this was a big event. I have even had some straight friends read my story and enjoy it (hi Jess! hi Ray!). Its great to know
Finally I have fallen in love with a wonderful guy - and he with me. Its early days yet and we have a lot to work out. But I honestly don't have any doubts that its the real thing.
So I've travelled a long way in the past few months. Thankyou for your patience. I know from all the emails I received that this story has brought great pleasure to many readers, and its great to give something back.
Since I can only see my boyfriend weekends for a variety of reasons, I expect that I will be doing a lot more writing to try to pass the time more quickly! Although I may have to sell my computer to pay for the phone bill ~giggle~.
I hope you enjoy this chapter!
We rode into school side by side, then hung around by "my" tree talking a little, but mostly wanting just to "be" with each other, not wanting to go our separate ways. About five minutes before we had to go in to our form bases, Chris showed up.
"Hi Sam," he said, and nodded at Luke.
"Hi Chris, this is my f-friend er Luke," I said, momentarily torn between wanting to tell my best friend the truth and a sense of self-preservation.
"Oh right, hi Luke," Chris smiled.
"Luke this is Chris, we've been friends all our lives." I was going to introduce Chris as my 'best friend' but I wasn't sure if I was allowed a boyfriend and a best friend. This simple meeting was already making me aware of how hard things might be.
"Hi," said Luke smiling.
"You're in the Fifth Year aren't you?" asked Chris.
"Sure am," said Luke.
There was an awkward silence.
"Well I better be going to my form room," I said, looking reluctantly at Luke. "Meet you here at break?"
I was a bit annoyed, I hadn't meant to include Chris in our liaison, but I couldn't honourably do anything other than give them both a half-smile, turn and walk away. It was extremely anti-climatic after the events of the past 24 hours, and I resented not being able to give Luke so much as a hug goodbye.
The morning passed slowly because I was counting every minute, and at 11:30 I raced out to the tree. Luke wasn't there and I was crushed. After waiting exactly 7 minutes (I was counting them), Chris showed up.
"What's up?" he asked, when I didn't do a good enough job of hiding my disappointment.
"Nothing," I said unconvincingly. There was a moment's silence and, knowing him as well as I did, I could almost hear the cogs whirring in his brain.
"How did it go on Saturday?" he asked.
"Ok," I said slowly. Christ! - what was I going to tell him.
"I heard Claire talking to Judy on the phone. She wouldn't tell me about it though," he said, fishing for more.
"Oh." I said, non-commitally.
"Yeah 'Oh'," he said, our familiarity not letting me escape his probing. "It didn't sound so good to me. There was some stuff that ... well it just sounded like there was a problem."
Shit. Judy must have gone back and bled her heart out to Claire. What would she have told her? It can't have been good, I decided.
"A problem?" I said, doing some fishing of my own. This could be bad.
"Uhuh. So what happened?"
"Um, well she was a bit of a pain, you know. Not my type." What a great little phrase that was! 'Not my type' : she was a girl. True enough.
"Oh, right. Sorry," he said with a puzzled expression. He clapped a hand on my shoulder. "Don't worry, bro. We'll get you a girl one of these days."
"Thanks." I said. Whilst the last thing I wanted was a girl, I was touched at his concern.
"I know this girl at St Pete's who thinks you're cute. I'll see if I can sort it out for you. She's a Third Year there - very cute: blond, slim, sweet arse and great tits. Not huge, but you just want to..."
"Its ok," I interrupted. "Don't bother," I said a little abruptly. He looked hurt. Damn. He was only looking out for me. I realised then I really wished I could tell him about Luke and I.
"Jeez, Sam. What really happened with you and Judy?"
"I .. I can't tell you right now, Chris. But I want to. Just not now, ok?"
"Sure mate," he said, concern in his voice.
Just then, Luke arrived looking pissed off. I automatically stood up to greet him in my excitement, but remembered not to fling my arms around him.
"Hi!" I said smiling with warm relief.
"Hey bud!" he said. We stood there grinning at each other, and I realised Chris was watching.
"Hi Chris!" said Luke, remembering himself.
"Sorry, I got held up in Physics. A magnet went missing and he held us all back until it was found. Turns out some dickhead had stuck it to the leg of one of the benches and of course no one knew who, so then we got a lecture," Luke said, sighing.
"Oh well at least it turned up, or you'd have got a class detention," I said.
"True, but I said I'd meet you and all the while we sat there I was worried what you..." he trailed off, remembering that Chris was there. "Well I've only got five minutes of break left now, which sucks."
I plucked at the grass uncomfortably. What I really wanted to do was lean back against Luke, our backs to the tree and his arms around me. It was so unfair.
"So, Sam - you want to meet me at lunch break to show you that kayaking book in the library I was telling you about?" Luke asked. I hadn't got a clue what he meant at first, but then the penny dropped.
"Oh yeah - sure. Good idea," I said whole-heartedly. What a genius. I was nagged by guilt about how Chris might feel, but I was too excited at the possibility of getting to spend some time alone with Luke.
The bell rang, and we joined the reluctant flow of pupils back inside the school.
Finally lunch break came, and I ran to the library entrance hoping that Luke would meet me there. At first I stood in one spot, then started doing circuits of the foyer. I was tense and excited, feeling like a kid waiting for Christmas. I actually giggled out loud when I realised how silly I was feeling, especially as I'd only seen Luke just over an hour previously. A few first year boys of around eleven years old gave me strange looks, probably thinking I was on drugs or something. I remembered being that age and new at secondary school, assuming all older boys had sex, drugs and drink all the time. I suppressed another laugh as it occurred to me that that wasn't too far from the truth. I checked my watch at what felt like one-hour intervals, thinking maybe I should call up the X-Files people to tell them that time wasn't working properly. Probably something to do with this old building: it was the sort of place you could imagine a mad scientist doing time experiments in, with its worn stone and wood panelling. The Library entrance was at the back of part of the Old Building as it was called by the staff and pupils, and was several hundred years old. The rest of the building accommodated the boarders, the English department and some offices for important people like the Headmaster. The small foyer I stood in was reached by a double flight of stairs leading from the stone-arched doorway below. The tiled floor looked worn with hundreds of feet over the years, and as I made my restless circuits of the foyer I imagined I might be starting to wear a groove in the floor. How many years would it take me to actually make a visible impression on it, I wondered? I started paying especial care to following the exact same course - I didn't want to waste a single step.
Luke's boyish giggle as he saw me trudging round in circles threw a switch in my brain, and I whirled round and ran over to him. He instinctively started to put his arms around me, and only the loud hollow footsteps of someone coming up the wooden stairs prevented us from embracing. He squeezed my shoulders before he dropped his arms to his sides, forcing his grin into a tight smile that was fighting to break back out into a grin. The way it twitched at the edges made me think of a pair of kittens under a bed sheet.
Will Chapman came up the stairs and stomped past us through the double doors to the library like we didn't exist. He wasn't so bad if there wasn't anyone else around to show off to, but I was especially annoyed that it was he who had prevented me getting hugged.
"Miss me?" he asked, and I could sense the question wasn't as casual as it sounded. I looked into his eyes, and wanted him to kiss me so badly right at that moment. We were so close I felt his breath on my face and couldn't help but breathe in. Normally I didn't like people breathing all over me, especially when my Dad did it. This was much more intimate and sexual, like an air kiss.
"Yeah," I said, and my eyes actually started to fill. I felt so grown up to be feeling like this with someone, and yet at the same time I felt a sense of dependence on him, a need for him beyond my understanding.
"Me too," he said quietly. "Come on," he said louder, clapping my shoulder a little stiffly. It was strange that this overtly acceptable sign of male friendship felt faked, when I felt we were so much more than friends. "Lets go find this book," he said and winked at me before turning and leading me into the library.
Like a rottweiler behind a fence the Librarian was pacing the length of her counter as we went in. She was very pleasant in fact, but incredibly strict. As Luke led me over to the sports sections she was off the leash and going for the jugular of some younger boy who was Eating In The Library - a terrible offence. When she got there, instead of the bodily harm implied by the predatory speed with which she had homed in on him, I saw her calmly tell the lad off with a smile that showed good humour, and also her teeth.
"Ok, here we are," whispered Luke. I turned to look at the shelf we had stopped by. Luke pulled a book off and held it up.
"Oh, I thought..." I started, a little surprised that the book was real.
"Shhh, come on!" he hissed, and led me to the reading room.
It was a pleasant room, the green sunlight streaming in the large windows through the canopies of the horse chestnut trees. There were shelves of fiction books dividing the room up, and around the walls between the windows. The best part about the room was the seating - there were a variety of different types of chair and even or two modern chaise-longue, in addition to the window seats. We found the alcove that would have once been a huge fireplace, but was now padded out to make a sort of sofa. We were sometimes brought to this room during English lessons, although now at break time on a sunny day there were only a few boys up here and we had it almost to ourselves.
Luke sat down and I joined him, sitting as close to him as I could. I was reassured as I felt his thigh press against mine, and realised that he wanted this contact as much as I did. We sat back, giving the appearance of looking at the book together, but over time I felt myself leaning further into him so that my head was almost resting on his shoulder. And then it was, and I would have held his hand too were it not holding the book.
I was just working up the courage to put my hand on Luke's thigh, when I heard a noise. Will Chapman sneered at us as he disappeared back into the maze of shelving. How long he had been watching us I didn't know. I sat up with a start.
"Shit," I hissed. I felt Luke tense up too.
"Its ok," he whispered, belying his body language. "We weren't doing anything."
"We don't have to, that bastard doesn't need an excuse. And I had my head on your shoulder. Shit!"
"Shhh, it will be ok," he murmured, hugging me whilst he looked around nervously. "Maybe he didn't see, or maybe he'll just think you were tired or something," he finished lamely.
I was terrified, and I was getting premonitions of where this was all going. Of all people it had to be Will. This was as bad as Mrs Bailey catching us in the shower, and this time we'd only just been sitting next to each other. The full implications of deciding I was gay - no of being gay - were finally starting to sink in. I was shaking and Luke hugged me tighter.
We sat there for a long time while I tried to get a grip and stop panicking, but any movement was setting us both on edge. Finally Luke suggested we go eat. I didn't feel very hungry, but agreed.
The dining hall was packed of course, and by the time we had queued for our food and eaten it we had no time before the bell for afternoon registration. I decidedly didn't like the way that Will was huddled with some of his friends, or the way that he looked up at me when I walked in my form room. They looked like vultures around a corpse, and I didn't want to think whose bones they were picking over.
Luke was waiting for me at my tree. We hadn't arranged it, I hadn't consciously thought about going there, but my feet had obviously been talking to his feet and had taken me there without asking permission from my brain.
"Hi," he said and grinned. I instantly felt the effects of an afternoon of worrying lift from me, and a euphoria at seeing Luke welled up inside me. 'Well done, feet' I thought.
"Hi.." I answered, wanting to add "darling," and catching myself just in time. There wasn't anyone around however, but I felt irritated that I wasn't brave enough to say what I wanted to, and yet embarrassed that I'd started to say it.
"How was your afternoon?" I asked, realising as I made this polite and superficial enquiry that I really did want to know. I had missed him, and I didn't want any gaps in my knowledge of him.
"Boring. You weren't there!" he laughed. I blushed, and shyly leant against him as we walked to the bike sheds, which caused us both to lurch off the path a little until we recovered our balance. As we walked along I loved the way he was that little bit taller than me, that little bit more grown up. "How was yours?" he asked
"Same. I spent all morning thinking about yesterday and then all afternoon worrying about the library thing. I haven't a clue what we did in any lessons," I sighed. I blushed a little at the effort of talking about the day before.
We got to the bike sheds, and unlocked ours. I didn't notice my saddle was missing until put my hand on the pole that was left as I started to pull it out of the racks. I froze, and an icy feeling moved down my guts to my balls. Stuff like this didn't happen to me, and the fact that it had today made it pretty easy to guess what it meant. Luke eventually found it on the roof of the bike sheds, so at least I was able to jam it back on and tighten it up with my fingers. I was upset, not sure whether I was angry or hurt. I got on my bike, and pedalled off furiously, trusting Luke to follow.
He called to me a few times but I only slowed when I got into his back garden and threw my bike down on the grass, and flopped down on the bench near the shed. Luke was right behind me and almost jumped off his bike while it was still moving. He leant it on the wall of the house and sat alongside me. I realised I'd been crying for most of the ride. "I don't need this crap it's supposed to be fun and nice and now Will comes along making it dirty," I sniffed as he put his arm around me. I had only been able to dream about being in love until recently, and now that I actually had the real thing I wanted it to be perfect. As perfect as the wonderful boy I had fallen in love with. It was like Christmas Day - everything had to be just right: no arguments, no accidents, nothing to detract from the magic of the experience.
"Well we don't know it was him did it, it could have just been someone playing a practical joke thinking they were funny," he said, his kind nature struggling to understand.
"Course it was him! He does this stuff all the time, just he's never done it to me," I said in a strained voice. I was feeling a little embarrassed I'd let it get to me so much, but I suppose I was reacting to an afternoon of worrying about what might happen, and now that something had it was as if my worst fears were all going to come true.
"Well its over now. We can report it tomorrow if you want, but you're not hurt and you just need to tighten up your saddle and everything's cool," he said, wrapping his other arm round in front of me and cuddling me to him. I didn't entirely agree, but I melted into him, my head on his shoulder and my face pressed into his neck. His hair and neck were a little damp from cycling, his skin a little flushed with blood from the exercise. I snuffled a few times, and became aware of how great he smelled. I pressed my lips into his neck just under his ear, tasting salt, and sat up a little so I was looking into his face from a few inches away. In slow motion we moved together and kissed, softly and lovingly. He opened his mouth slightly and I felt his tongue tickling my upper lip. I pressed mine out, and our tongues lightly tickled each other. My arms were under his and had found their way around his hard back, and I felt one of his hands slide down over my arse and pull me to him, as the fingers of the other stroked the back of my head.
Suddenly he froze and turned his head away and pulled back. Puzzled, I followed his eyes as he looked back at the kitchen window where his mum was stood, and she waved grinning. She obviously was amused as much by our red faces and embarrassment as anything, and after we put our bikes in the shed we timidly walked into the kitchen. His mum was there doing mum-stuff in the kitchen, wearing her usual weird colourful hippy clothing, but today she was looking particularly eccentric with a matching headband around her head.
"Hello boys!" she said warmly with a sparkle in her eyes, and gave us both a hug. "Are you ok, Sam sweetheart?" she asked, her voice switching to concern as she noticed from my eyes that I had been crying.
"Er, yeah just some stuff at school," I muttered.
"Oh no, what happened?" she said, sounding alarmed and making me feel guilty to worry her.
"Just some guy I got in a fight with a while back played a trick on me," I said, feeling very stupid that I'd reacted so badly to it.
"He saw us sitting together in the library, Mum," Luke said quietly. His mother looked at him questioningly. "We were just sitting close, is all." He added, before she jumped to the wrong conclusions. Or maybe they were the right ones.
"I had my head on his shoulder," I added.
"Ah. Did this boy say anything?"
"No, but he definitely saw us," Luke said.
"Well, this is really why I wanted to talk to you two later." She paused. "Now I spoke to your mum this morning to tell her you'd both gone off to school safely, and arranged to feed you here. Your even allowed to stay tonight Sam, assuming you want to!" she added mischievously, knowing full well that I did. I was totally amazed she'd managed to get my mum to let me stay on a school night, or that she'd even conspire to do so.
"Oh wow!" I said.
"That's so cool!" added Luke as he grabbed me from behind, and I automatically turned round so we could hug. I then realised we were hugging in front of his mum, and she must have read my expression as I started pulling away.
"Its ok, Sam. I've had a long time to think about Luke's sexuality, and we have several gay friends," she said slightly shocking me by using the "G" word and "S" word. "You really don't need to worry about showing affection around me, I'm just delighted Luke's happy - and its you that makes him that way. The way the pair of you were kissing outside made that quite clear," she teased. "Right, well I don't want to get started cooking now but I do want to talk to you properly after dinner about all this."
"Ok mum," said Luke and I nodded, a little bewildered.
"Well you boys go amuse yourselves until dinner ... and get out of my kitchen," she said in a silly voice, smacking at us with the wet tea towel. We giggled and scampered out of her way.
"Hmm What Will We Do To Pass The Time?" Luke said in a sarcastic voice as we left the kitchen, trying to tease me in front of his mother.
"Waters hot - try a shower!" his mum quickly shouted after us. We both stopped dead in our tracks, and the look of numb shock on Luke's face must have been the mirror image of my own. I didn't breathe for a long moment as my brain tried to process what my ears were telling it. There was no helping it, as we looked at each other going red Luke started laughing and I just couldn't hold back. I could hear his mum chuckling as we flew upstairs with hoots of laughter.
He raced into his room ahead of me and threw himself on his bed, and he was still bouncing as I rushed in and dived on top of him causing him to "woof" as I knocked the air out of him. I leant on his chest as I panted, smiling, into his face.
"Your mums great!" I said, "No way would my mum be this cool."
"Yeah my mums pretty special. We have a lot of fun together," he said, smiling up at me. His breathing slowed, but he was still inhaling deeply, almost urgently and I felt his cock getting hard.
"Is that for your mum or for me?" I teased cruelly, wriggling into his erection, but he didn't answer. He continued to smile at me, and I could feel my own flesh responding. Slowly reached his hands up to the sides of my head and pulled me down so he could kiss me.
"God I've wanted to be able to do this all day," he sighed eventually. "I couldn't stand being close to you and not being able to touch you."
"I know, I felt exactly the same way," I told him. I felt him kicking his shoes off, and as I struggled to do the same I felt his feet helping me. Somehow we helped each other remove our socks too, the game of it making us both giggle a little.
"So you feel ok now?" he asked, stroking my hair. I felt so safe in his arms, with my face pressed into his neck.
"Yeah," I murmured. "I do now," I added, wanting to tell him how I really felt, but felt shy. I sighed and hugged him with all my might.
"Hey," he laughed.
"Oh Luke your so great," I said with a lump in my throat.
"What I do?" he giggled.
"Nothing," I said, but then felt he deserved more. "You just make me feel so... so safe, and when you kissed me outside by the shed, it was like you were taking care of me or something."
"Of course I was taking care of you. I want to look after you, Sam. I care about you so much. Sam?" he asked, shaking me and making me look at him.
"I really love you, Sam Cooper," he said, staring deeply into my eyes and beyond, into my soul.
I blushed, lost for words, totally overwhelmed by my emotions. I leant my head down intending to snuggle into his neck and hug him, but he caught my head in his hands again and began kissing me. He was so in control, and I loved the way he wouldn't let me hide from him, or from my feelings. As we kissed he ran his hands over my arse, causing me to moan with pleasure. Encouraged, he stroked and tickled my cheeks and then began running his finger up and down the seam between my legs, occasionally brushing that most private place, so sensitive even through two layers of tight clothing that it sent a thrill of ice through my loins. I felt the same overwhelming sexual tension I had that first time he had kissed me, and I broke off the kiss and stared into his eyes. He seemed to realise how I was feeling, perhaps from my wild breathing, and smiled at me and squeezed me gently to him. He was so caring, so sensitive.
"I love you so much, Luke," I murmured, unaware that I'd actually said it out loud. It was such a heartfelt thing, that it seemed to have gone from my soul to his ears by a kind of spiritual osmosis rather than by conscious thought.
He hummed with pleasure as he pulled me tighter in to him with his hands on my arse, pressing our hard flesh together. "Maybe we should get that shower Sam - a cold one though," he chuckled.
"Ok," I said, a little too keenly as I thought back to this morning, and we both ended up giggling, the uncontrollable bouncing of his stomach felt ticklish and funny and made me laugh even harder.
"Alright you idiot," he laughed, pushing me off and struggling to his feet. "Come on!" He grabbed my wrist and pulled me off the bed.
"To get a shower, silly!"
"Cool!" I said, and let him drag me through to the bathroom.
"Too late for that now!" he joked, as I remembered to slide the bolt on the door. I giggled, the memory was still very sensitive. I leant back against the door, watching him. I felt a little nervous about things still I suppose, and a day of pretending to be "normal" had re-asserted some of the old inhibitions. Seeing me hesitating he stood closer to me, and made me jump a little as his hands came up to my front. He smiled, and I relaxed as I realised he was just undoing my tie. When he had undone the knot he let the ends hang down either side of my chest, and began undoing the buttons of my white school shirt. His hands were shaking a little after the second button, and I realised he was very aroused. I glanced down and I could clearly see his erection outlined in his black trousers, and felt my own passion rising as his fingers brushed me with the lightest of touches as they fumbled at my clothing. He pushed my shirt apart like he was opening curtains, since I never wore it tucked in if I could help it. His breathing was short and ragged as he lightly stroked my chest and belly with his fingertips.
"You are so beautiful," he said, as he ran them around my warm sides. I couldn't answer him. I was so excited I was concentrating on controlling my rising passion, not wanting to spoil things.
"Wait, stop," I managed hoarsely, pushing weakly at his arms feeling helpless, and trapped.
"What's up?" he asked, concerned. He ran his hands around my back under my shirt, tenderly.
"No, stop please. Its ok its just..." I sighed, his cool hands calming the feeling of panic that was rising in me.
He pulled me too him gently, and just looked into my eyes. I was so grateful he did that rather than kiss me, while I was feeling so confused.
"Are you OK Sam?" he asked, a frown creasing his beautiful face. I wanted to run, to get out of there. But there was the concern on his face, the love. And then I knew that running would only hurt him, and I just couldn't do that, couldn't hurt my friend.
"Its just ... I'm not sure about this," I said.
"What do you mean?" he said, sounding really hurt now. No, not hurt. Scared. "I thought..."
"No no I mean um.." I started to cry. I couldn't help it, and I felt ashamed. I couldn't speak and just pulled him tight too me, pressing my face against his shoulder, desperate that he not misunderstand. I could feel him shake a few times, and realised that I had to speak or I would hurt him more.
"Sorry Luke," I said almost formally, trying to get a grip on my feelings and to act grown up. "I really love you. I love you so much" I said, my voice breaking as I squeaked the last few words out.
"Shh its ok," Luke said, stroking my hair. "You're upset about this other stuff today probably. Just relax babe, I love you too its ok. If it's something I've done just tell me."
"No! Its not that! You'd never do anything like that! Its .. well, I mean I want to, um you know. But I'm .. scared and a bit messed up at the moment I suppose."
"Oh right!" he sighed deeply, sounding relieved and hugging me tighter. "I really just wanted to make you happy because you were upset and everything. I wanted you make you feel good and show you how I feel about you. I'm sorry, I didn't meant to rush you into anything!"
We stood there cuddling, and I found I no longer felt trapped but rather protected. The prison walls I had imagined around me previously were not there to keep me inside, but were the bastion of Luke's love, protecting me from harm - and perhaps from myself.
I felt very young, and very embarrassed. And not a little unworthy of this mature boy, this young man who seemed see so much more in me than I did. I knew what I wanted - without a shadow of a doubt. But still there were still these voices in the back of my mind somehow, criticising and questioning. Not least of their concerns were what if my parents find out? and what would they do if they could see me now?
We seemed to reach a new level of understanding after that conversation, and although we did shower together (and we were both very aroused) we did nothing but wash each other. Luke showed incredible control and I learned a new trust and appreciation for him after that. It was in fact I who almost gave in to passion, but was too ashamed to do so after I had forced him to hold back, and he had shown nothing but tenderness and love for me.
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