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Are You Scared Yet?

by J J Janicki

Chapter 8

I webcammed with Stephan until after three, then I went to sleep. Only, about an hour later, I was wide awake again because of a thunder storm. In fact, I thought I was about to experience my first tornado (we were under a watch), but it just rained buckets, and since I'd never been in a tornado before, I wasn't too worried.

Well, I was a little, but finally I went back to sleep again. Only then a little after nine, I was rousted out of bed by Carlie and Earl.

So I didn't get very much sleep. But the reason they got me out of bed was because they figured I'd want to go mudding with them in the Ford Ranger. The rain had turned some of the back roads into a quagmire, so all Carlie had to do was jerk the wheel, gun it, and... shit, once he managed a 180. We were all overthe place, but it was fun, and this time, I had my camcorder along.

We were all up front because there's only one seat. But right after that 180, that's when things started getting even moreinteresting than before when Earl started saying that he needed a seat belt too. Only there were only two and there was no way of pulling mine over so we could share. But still, just as there's a reason for restraints on a roller coaster, Earl thought he'd enjoy the ride more if he had a seat belt on, so he mentioned it a few more times until finally Carlie said, "Why don't you just sit in Natty's lap?" (That's what they were both calling me by then.)

Only Earl asked, "Well, why can't he sit in mylap?"

So that sounded interesting enough, but sinceI'd just had my first driving lessons, I cut in with, "Well, why don't you let medrive awhile?" What first caused that idea to pop into my head though, was that I'd be nice and let one of them sit in the other's lap.

Only, in reply Carlie said, "Well, okay, but only if you get naked first." So I was looking doubtful again. I really did want to drive, though. And while I'm not as far gone as Carlie, I also have a streak of exhibitionism.

I guess so, because I started popping one. But so did Carlie and Earl.

So, "Let's all get naked!" exclaimed Earl and sure enough, it wasn't long until we were. It didn't take long at all. But it took them a few seconds longer than it took me because both of them had their underwear on. So for an instant or so, I was thinking, "They're going backwards!"

But then came dawning recognition. I was pretty sure because of some stories I'd come across. It's simple: once you've reached the back there thing, well, it might be wonderful, but at first, there's a possibility of some messy after-effects. So, aha! They'd both crossed home plate!

I wasn't completelysure about it until a little later, though.

So okay, back to us just all of us being naked in the front seat of the truck and me hoping to drive, that's when Earl pointed out that I couldn't very well do that if I was using the camcorder, so, "Why don't you let me use it for awhile?"

So I shrugged and handed it to him.

"I'm not sure he should be driving, " said Carlie. Now, all at once, he was safety-conscious. Since when...

"But I guess he can sit in my lap and steer, " he concluded.

So never mind.

But still, I glanced over at Earl. He shrugged and said, "Maybe it'll be safer that way. And besides, he's not likely to stick it in. It's probably not even possible, so why not?"

Well, it might have been only because he wanted some interesting footage, but if that's what he wanted, he got it soon enough.

Starting with: "Yeah, well, I'm going to make sure, " I said as I climbed into Carlie's lap, and with that, I pushed down on it. I doubt if it could've gotten past my sphincter, but I still would have been goosed, and I didn't want that happening while I was trying to drive.

But I settled into his lap. Only it wasn't going to work, because there wasn't enough room. I was pushed right up against the steering wheel. And that included my boner, so it would have been distracting. It was an interesting feeling, but attempting to drive like that wouldn't have been the best idea. Only, I still wanted to steer and make it fishtail, so I ended up pressed right beside Carlie, seat belt or no seat belt. He's the one who had his foot on the accelerator though, and not only that, he was going too fast.

The first two went okay, though. It was exhilarating. But then I jerked the wheel a little too abruptly, and at about the same time, Carlie goosed the accelerator. The reasonI jerked was because Earl had playfully latched on to my dick, and while it gave me a pleasurable shock, it was unexpected, and so I jerkedthe wheel and all at once – in only an instant – we'd spun off to the left and then right overa ditch and WHUMPTH!, we were on the other side buried up to the axles in the middle of a mud hole.

So at first, we just sat there in shock. (And it also wilted our boners, almost like letting air out of a balloon.) But finally I started, "I didn't mean... well, he grabbedme... and you pushed on the accele-"

Then Earl interrupted with, "Damn, Natty, when I said I wanted it buried, I didn't really meanit!"

"Yeah, well, it's your fault!"

Then Carlie interrupted with, "So let's see what the damage is.... My door's stuck."

So we climbed out through the side window. I was thinking we'd get dressed first, but nobody bothered. There really wasn't much reason to be worried about it, because from the looks of things, we were in the uninhabited part of the county.

Earl's side was the closest to semi-dry land, so he climbed out first, and that involved lifting first one leg and then the other, and because of that...

I got a really good look. Up until then, I didn't know if you could tell just by looking or not, but you can. It wasn't that bad, but it was still noticeable.

So I had a flash of inspiration and I said to Carlie, "Hey, wait a minute!"

Behind me, he said, "What?"

"You go ahead, and I'll get our clothes and hand them out to you, okay?"

Obviously, he could have easily gathered our clothes up himself, or he could have put his clothes on before getting out, but he didn't, he just climbed over me and he was bruised there too. "God, I wish I had the camcorder!"

But I didn't, Earl did and he was gleefully camcording away again, on one knee with the camera pointed up between Carlie's legs as he was climbing out. And you really had to stretch so you didn't step off into the mud, so...

"Cut that out!" groused Carlie. He seemed to be blushing.

But Earl just laughed and scampered away once Carlie was finally outside making some threatening gestures. You could tell he didn't mean any of it, though, because when I started climbing out, he told Earl to start shooting up between mylegs.

But we still didn't bother getting dressed. Earl was filming the truck from all angles, saying stuff like, "I cannot believe this!" Then Carlie added that it was partly his fault, so that's when I started seeing some humor in the situation. So Carlie and I started doing a mock war dance.

Only Earl wanted to get in on it, so he let me take over my camcorder again. We got some good footage. Especially when they started jerking off.

But before reaching the ejaculation stage – I really wanted to catch that Earl yelled, "Hey, look!" and he turned, bent over and pulled his butt cheeks apart, and...

"So I guess he doesn't care if I know or not! Cool!"

Carlie started blushing again, but finally he turned around and did the same thing.

So after that, I'm not sure how interesting jerking off would have been, because obviously, they were way beyond that.

Apparently, because then we got dressed again and we started our long walk back. They'd become so jaded, they could start jerking off and not even finish.

But on the way back they started asking how my webcam session had gone the night before.

I shrugged, "Oh... okay, I guess."

"Well, what did you do?" wondered Earl. "Bet you got naked, right?"

"Um... yeah. We did that much."


"Well, we talked, but... until I ask Stephan about it, I probably shouldn't say too much."

"Yeah, I figured you and him would be watching each other jerk off, " said Carlie.

"Well, maybe we didn't."

"Yeah, right, " said Earl.

Then we walked in silence for a minute or so. I was still getting used to that. It's really remarkable because aside from our footsteps, all I could hear was the wind, some insects and a few birds. But of course, I wasthinking, so finally I offered, "You know, I saved it. The best parts of our session, I mean. And if you want to watch, as far as I'm concerned, you can. But it's like I said, first I have to ask Stephan if he's okay with that, all right?... But I can tell you this much, he's just like us. I wish I'd known that before my dad screwed things up... and really, I'm almost positive that up till now, he hasn't ever actedon what he'd like to do, but odds are, you'll never meet him in person anyway. So he might not mind being watched, but he still might want something in return, know what I mean?"

Earl looked over at Carlie, and then he said, "I think what he's saying is: they'd like to watch us some.... Does that sound fair to you?"

So then Carlie looked pretty meaningfully at me, butfinally he said, "Oh hell. You've blown both of us and we've blown you, so that much isn't a secret anyway. So..." (he looked back at Earl and finished), "if you're cool with it, I don't see why we can't at least sixty-nine for them on camera.... Not now, but later on.... That okay?"

"Might be fun, " said Earl. "I'd sure like to watch the playback."

"So okay, " said Carlie, "see if Stephan wants to go along with it and if he wants to, then sometime next week, we will.... But only if we get to watch you two first. Deal?"

So even though I hadn't told Stephan anything aboutmy sexual escapades with Carlie and Earl, I said I'd let them know the next day.

I had to admit to myself that if Stephan had ever said that he was doing some sex stuff with another boy, I would have been let down. But it wouldn't be fair, because I could hardly expect him to wait until who-knows-how-long for me. So I suppose that's rationalizing in reverse, that he couldn't expect me to remain completely celibate either, even if from the looks of things, I wasn't likely to experience nearly as much as I'd been hoping for. But still, even if it was long-distance, I wanted to be his best friend and so I hoped I'd be able to tell him everything. And I also hoped he'd feel free to tell me if anything really great happened to him. We could at least share that much.

But the question was: how I was going to bring the subject up in the first place. So finally I decided I'd sneak up on it with another analogy, only this time, it would be about bonobos.

Bonobos are small apes, closely related to chimpanzees. Their natural habitat is in The Republic of the Congo and they're an endangered species. But they're really cool. They're capable of altruism, compassion, empathy, kindness, patience, and sensitivity. And also, they're very sexual creatures. They probably enjoy sex as much as they do eating. Face-to-face, they do it. And they also French kiss and engage in fellatio. Male/female, female/female, male/male, they're at it all the time! In fact, some scientists theorize that they use sex as a means of conflict resolution!

Well, think about it. If they'd just leave us alone, if it wasn't for being indoctrinated from birth with all those social mores and taboos that for the most part are based on religious beliefs, boys would probably be almost like bonobos and the world would be better for it. And so I was about to somehow or other segue from bonobos over to the way things were with Carlie, Earl and myself when Stephan interrupted with, "So dolphins are bisexual too and apparently they enjoy the heck out of it, but what does that have to do with us?"

So it didn't seem as though my analogy was working as well as I'd hoped. Although there still seemed to be at least some hope, because after a moment he continued, "I mean, I understand what you're saying about being indoctrinated, because I know I have and it's hard to shake free of it all."

Only that led to us talking about when we knew that we were almost certainly gay and how we dealt with it, and it seemed as though he was making things more complicated than they needed to be. First he had to have a reason, and he also couldn't be the one who started things. Although he did come up with the idea of us sharing the same sleeping bag, so at least he was making a little progress.

But about his often complicated approach to things sexual. Like me, at first it wasn't anything definite. We both liked reading stories about boys about our age having great adventures. Often, these boys were in great peril. Like for example, in "Hansel and Gretel". That is peril! We both read and enjoyed tremendously "Treasure Island" and "Kidnapped". We wanted to have adventures like Jim Hawkins and Tom Sawyer had. We both dreamed of being with boys like that, helping them survive, taking up for each other, sleeping in the same bed out of necessity, having to take baths together... and so we often placed ourselves in those stories and we made up elaborate fantasies. We hardly knew sex existed, but still, these were our first sexual fantasies.

Like Stephan, I often wished I had a brother. Although I was thinking more in terms of an identical twin, so I soon gave up on the idea. But when Stephan was nine, his parents were thinking about adopting a boy. He would have been an orphan from an eastern European county, about his age. In the end, it never happened because of red tape or something, but they even asked Stephan about it, and he was all for it. Was he ever. They'd share the same room (if he could talk his parents into it) and they'd see each other naked lots of times and... well, he could show him some things, you know? That would have been so cool! They could do it to each other! (He found out how to give himself a quiver a year earlier than I did, by the way.)

My parents aren't religious. But while Stephan's dad isn't, his mom is. Not fanatical, (unless clutching at straws), but still, he'd been indoctrinated a little. They tried to, but he never paid any attention to it. That's what he said, but when it came to sex, he still probably felt some guilt. So that might explain why he started feeling guilty about what he'd wanted to share with his hoped-for adopted brother.

Of course I assured him that that was ridiculous, that if I'd known him back then, he could have shared with me and I would have been eternally grateful, and he agreed, but now is now and then was then. And besides, his way of making up for it was to come up with interesting fantasies. Like for example: being kidnapped by some homeless people who would take him up into the woods of northern Maine where he'd be thrown in with twenty or so homeless boys all about his age and they'd have to share the same room and they'd only have the raggedy clothes on their backs. No underwear and no pajamas. But at first, the other boys would hate him because he was rich. Even though his parents' net worth would obviously no longer be of any consequence, they'd still hate him because he had good manners. So they'd probably whip him every day and do things to him. He still didn't know what those "things" were likely to be, though.

But eventually he found out about those "things". So a more recent fantasy had him at an English boarding school where all the boys would hate him because he was an American and they'd be constantly tricking him into breaking the rules, which would result in him being stripped naked and caned in front of the entire school, and also he'd be buggered by almost every boy in the school... and spit roasted... every day this would happen... and nights...

Well, he wouldn't be getting very much sleep. Although eventually he'd meet the boy of his dreams who'd like him for who he was in spite of his being an American, and from then on things would work out much better.

So I started noticing a pattern and my first question was: "Have you ever been paddled in your life? I haven't, and it's really none of my business, but have you?"

"Oh no, " he assured me, "and I feel a little guilty about even thinking about it – and besides, they don't do that now – but if it were to happen to you, I'd feel terrible and if they'd let me, they could whip me instead. Or at least, they could punish me alongside you."

"Oh, " I said. "Well, I'd... do the same for you. I'm sure I would." And with that, I started feeling that tickling sensation again. But not to worry, because I quickly added, "But I'd just as soon that didn't happen to either of us. Not ever."

"Well, what if they were just pretending, but what if they tied us up together, face to face?"

So maybe now it was time to worry a little, but still... "Um, who, exactly?"

(Giggle.) "That's a good point, I guess.... But it's only a fantasy, Nathaniel. Anything is permissible in fantasies, right?"

"Yeah, well... I can think of several I'd just as soon not think about... but I guess as long as the fantasy replaces actually doing it, it's okay. But one thing I don't understand is why you keep thinking other boys have to hate you first. Nobody does, and there's no reason for them to."

"Well, damn, haven't you ever heard of conflict? To have a good story, you need some, right? And besides, they'd only hate me because of who they think I am. Eventually, they wouldn't. But at least I'd get buggered." Then he added, "I mean, it's been known to happen, and I bet they still do it at boarding schools. At least some.... Think so?"

"Yeah, if they can get away with it, they probably do, " I replied. "Not like they used to do, but still, I wouldn't be surprised."

At least I hope so. And since boys are boys, they probably do, but nowadays they have to be very careful. It's not like I'm a big expert, though.

And I'm not much of a shrink either, but I arrived at the conclusion that, for the most part, he was trying to make up for his lack of experience with those fantasies. Although I kept that to myself, because I didn't want to act like a know-it-all.

Only... English school boys, bonobos. Yes!

Well, they do seem to be a bit analogous. Just a little, so...

So I finally gave him all the details about me and Carlie and Earl and he took it very well. I guess so, because he wanted even more details, what it was like and all that. He said I was lucky, that Carlie and Earl sounded like they were cool as they could be andif anything else happened, I had to tell him about that as well. Although he was glad they apparently were in love with each other, because he was still hoping we could get together ourselves. We.

Him saying that threw me off a little, but then I was hoping for that as well. It hardly seemed realistic, but I still couldn't stop hoping and that's exactly what I told him.

So Stephan said, "Well, maybe it'll happen sooner than you think. No telling, I guess, but in the meantime... um... well, it's up to you... and if you don't think it's a good idea, then I'll never say anything more about it, but you think maybe they might want to webcam with us sometime?"

Funny that he should mention that.

So we agreed that they could watch our first session, but not the one we were in the middle of right then, because for awhile, the second was to be only between the two of us.

It wasn't because we were naked, because after all, I'd been naked often enough and Stephan admitted that he was a bit of an exhibitionist as well. Or at least, he was often tempted. (And besides, we'd been naked often enough during our first session.) Nor was it really because of the amount of time we spent discussing Carlie and Earl that night, although that might have played into it some. No, we just wanted something to be between us and no one else. It wasn't that big of a deal, but still...

We talked about the first time we knew almost beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were gay. Even though in my case, this realization was slow in dawning, we both could look back on one signature event.

Mine occurred roughly four months before turning eleven, when we spent a few days vacationing on the Costa del Sol. It's on the Spanish Riviera, and the weather was great. It was interesting, although all my dad wanted to do was play golf again. The Costa del Sol is sometimes nicknamed the Costa del Golf, with about seventy courses in the area, so there was plenty of that. My mom was more interested in the beach, though. Only this was a clothing optional beach, and the very first time, my mom opted to go without. (Then I had to assure smart ass Stephan that I was never once plagued with an Oedipus complex, although I was at least happy to see that she was better preserved than some of the others. In fact – and this is trying to be as objective as I can be about it - I'd say that she isn't badly preserved at all.) (And like I said earlier, she's also a kook at times. Free-spirited. Or, at least she tries to be, but if I'd ever mentioned any of that to her parents...)

I'd never do that, though. Honest, she means well.

And besides, I'd seen her naked before, so aside from the fact that all those people she didn't even know were seeing her naked mom...

Well, it took getting used to. But there were lots of other naked people on the beach too. There were some that I didn't think should be naked, but eventually I guessed it wasn't any worse than seeing hippopotamuses at the zoo. And on the other hand, there were quite a few naked kids running around as well, including boys about my age and they seemed to be having a wonderful time. So of course I was watching them with great interest.

My mom said, "See? They're not embarrassed, so why should you be? You're not any different from them, Nathaniel."

Well, yes I was. I had my new Speedos on and I didn't feel like taking them off. Sometimes I'm an exhibitionist and sometimes I'm not, and on day one, that's how it stayed.

But on day two, my mom once again got naked, and I'd already noticed that no one else really seemed to be noticing her. And I also noticed a fairly large group of boys playing in the water. I'd guess that they were from age eight up to twelve or so and of course they were all naked, and the more I looked, the more natural it seemed. And so I decided I could at least get an all-over tan.

So I took a deep breath and shucked my Speedos off. They didn't cover much in the first place, but it felt nice.

Only then my mom said that I needed to put some more sun tan lotion on, because it would never do to have a burnt weinie. That's what she called it then. But that certainly would never do, and I also don't think you'd want your buns toasted, only I couldn't see spreading sun tan lotion down between my legs in plain sight of everybody, and I also couldn't bear the thought of my mom doing it for me. Not that she'd suggested that, but I thought she might because she'd already said she'd get my buns for me and I didn't think much of that idea either. It could have been a ticklish situation. Not that I think she would have thought that I had any designs on her, but still...

"Well, um, I think I'll just go back to our room and put it on, okay?"

So okay. I'd just recently learned how to give myself a quiver, but up until then, that's all it amounted to, I'd never visualized anything else while I was at it. But that day, while I was rubbing the sun tan lotion in real good – extra good, come to think of it – I closed my eyes and started thinking about those naked boys, and from then on, whenever I rubbed myself off, I fantasized about boys.

At first they were simply naked, then later on it was doing stuff like wrestling or playing in the pool naked. And at first, I didn't think too much about it. I wasn't worried about girls because my mom assured me that one day I'd magically start noticing them, but for at least a few more months, I never connected my fantasies to being gay. Then I started thinking that potentially, I was. I can't say that it ever bothered me, but from hearing other boys talk, I did realize that would place me in the distinct minority and that I shouldn't talk about it at school.

Then one afternoon, my fantasy shifted from jerking off another boy to his penis... And that's when I knew.

Then (back on webcam) I shrugged and said, "And that's all there is to it. So now it's your turn."

"Well, did you ever play with those boys on the beach?"

"No, I think they were locals, so I would have felt like I was butting in.... And besides, I knew a little Spanish, but not nearly enough, so I just watched. But it still felt nice being naked out there."

"All right, but I still have some more questions about your mom."

"Um... no, Stephan. Not unless you want me asking questions about your mom too."

"Well, I haven't ever seen her naked, so..."

"Did you ever want to?"

Stephan sniggered. "That's not bad, Nathaniel.... So all right, let's go to when I knew who I was and not worry about curiosity. Mine isn't as guilt-free as yours apparently is, but I've mostly worked through it by now. It happened last summer. So I'm back in Womelsdorf, PA and this is the rest of the story.

"So fact number one is: Zach was good looking. Or, at least I thought so – and I guess that's the important fact – but see, he's one of my Aunt Helen's. She's the black sheep of the family. Married three times, has ten kids and on welfare. So I guess he thought we looked down on him and at first he wasn't very friendly.

"Second fact is: he was staying with my grandparents right then."

"Actually, I think that's the fourth or fifth fact, but were you both in the same room at your grandparents'?... I mean, at night?"

"You're trying to get to the good part, aren't you?"

"Oh, you can take all the time you want, but I'm just trying to get an idea, is all."

"Well, sorry, but we were staying at a motel. Seriously, my grandparents didn't even have air conditioning, but two days before we left, that's when we were going trout fishing. Me and Zach. Grandpa let us borrow two of his fly rods and some other stuff, and we were on our way to Tulpehocken Creek.

"By then, he was almost friendly. So I was thinking that he wasn't as tough as he tried to act. I guess he had a chip on his shoulder, and apparently that's how he acted around almost everybody, because when we were almost to the creek, there were those five boys, and soon as he spotted them, he goes, 'Let's just go somewhere else, ' only they started chasing us.... Or him, that did occur to me when he decided to take his short-cut off the path we were on. So I was going to try reasoning with those guys, pointing out that I didn't know what it was all about and I didn't really care, so...

"And so one guy had my arm twisted behind my back and he yelled, 'Hey, cock sucker! We got your friend, so we can either beat the shit out of him or you. Your choice.'

"So I was like, 'Oh shit, ' but from somewhere Zach yelled back, 'Just let him go, you fuckers!'

"Only I still couldn't see him, so I was about to piss myself.... I mean, I'm not much of a fighter, I always try to get along with everybody, you know?"

"Except for every once in awhile cussing at people in Italian."

"Well, I wouldn't if I was in Italy. But... aren't you supposed to be waiting with bated breath or something to hear the rest of the story?"

"Well, hell yes!... But I'm hoping you're not about to be beaten up.... Even if you seem to be mostly recovered."

"Oh, I am, but... go back to where they called Zach a cock sucker, all right? You took that as nothing more than name-calling, right?"

"Um... yeah."

"Well, I didn't think about it at first, because like I said, all I was thinking about was that I was on the verge of being beaten up and having my arm broke. Only then the guy said, 'But if you want to give us all a blow job, you can save yourself a beating. That sound like a good idea?', then he shoved my arm up a little higher.... And from the look on your face, I'm thinking that now you're wondering if you really want to hear the rest of it, right?"

... "Yeah, well... that sure is a good way of inducing some guilt, Stephan.... How about I do and I don't, but if I'd been there, I would have tried to help you?"

"You really would have, wouldn't you?"

"I know I would've. Even if I'd ended up in the same fix you were in.... And I probably would've, too.... You sure you're not making some of this up? Because it sounds suspiciously like something else you mentioned last night. About us being tied up together."

"Yes!... Want to hear my theory on fantasies? I'm still working on it, actually, but some are a way of compensating for what you've never experienced, and others are a way of coming to terms with something you have experienced. It doesn't matter if it was your fault or not, it still happened.

"But I think all they had in mind was just me sucking them off. Of course, it was still going to be a traumatic experience because none of them appealed to me very much, but since there were five of them and one was about to break my arm... You should always be careful what you wish for, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess."

... "Although in my fantasies, I was always being sexually abused by boys who appealed to me."

"Well, of course."

"But like I said last night, just in the nick of time, it was Zach to the rescue and they let me go. But there was something one of them said right after Zach brought up the possibility of them ending up in juvenile. He said, 'Well, I guess you're the big expert on that, aren't you Zach?' Talking about being in juvenile and all.

"So I knew he'd been in juvenile just before moving in with his grandparents. He hadn't said much about it, just that he was having some problems with his mom and that he wasn't in for long, but the way he said it made it seem like he was trying to hide something, you know?"

"I've read some about how it used to be, but I don't know if that's how it is now."

"Well, the way it usedto be, it was still awhile before they knew anything about it, right?"

"Oh, I'm sure it's still possible. Probable even."

"Well all right then. I've lost track of exactly how many facts I've got here, but one: he saved my butt. So it was like hero worship, I guess. Two: he'd been in juvenile and because he wasn't much bigger than I was, I had to assume that he'd be an easy target. And then there was the part about him being called a cock sucker. So I was also thinking that he really didn't deserve that, but he'd taken a chance that it would happen again, all because of me. And if he'd showed up a minute later, he would have seen me sucking one of them off, because just like it might have been for him, I wouldn't have had a choice... So you see where this could be going?"

... "Based on what you've said, yeah, I think so."

"Well, I would hope so. Especially after he asked if I wanted to spend the night with him at our grandparent's, because air conditioning or not, I did."

"Yes!" I interjected. I just had to.

So after Stephan made a face at me, he continued, "His room was upstairs, and all he had was a window fan. So it was hot and because of that, we were sleeping in our undershorts. And just like the setup you have with Carlie: there was only one big old bed. That's the first time I'd ever been in bed with another boy. And here's something else, he wasn't wearing boxers, what he had on was... jockey shorts? White cotton. They fit kind of tight. Only the ones he had on that night were pretty old, so they were real loose.... And from what you've told me about Carlie, this also might ring a bell. We were talking about this and that because it was too hot to sleep and after awhile we were joking around about what could have happened with our friends back at the creek. Of course I hadn't said anything about what they wanted me to do, but Zach was saying that I probably couldn't fight my way out of a wet paper bag, so I was like: 'Oh yeah? Well, just try me, ' and all at once, we were wrestling."

"Yeah, that does ring a bell. You suppose it's universal?"

"It probably used to be. But I was trying to get a grip on him and I accidentally pulled at his shorts. Sideways, and just like that, it was all out in the open. Balls, dick, everything."

"Accidentally? Yeah, right."

"No, really, I didn't do it on purpose."

"Well, did he have any hair?"

"No. But his dick was about average-for-his-age I guess and his balls were fairly big.... So is that enough character development?"

"So he didn't have a hard-on, then."

"No.... Not then. It was like he didn't even notice.... Only, I guess he did too, because he grabbed between my legs. Like: 'So that's how it is, huh?' and... well, you know, he gave me a very nice shock."


"Yeah, that. And I probably squeaked too, but I was trying to tell him that I didn't do it on purpose, only by then he was pulling my shorts completely off- I was having all sorts of trouble keeping them on that day, but I guessed this time it was okay to grab his dick, you know? Still another first. So-"

"Well, damn! Why didn't you do that the night we were in the same sleeping bag? Because I swear, if you had, then I would've... well, I would've had a little more experience. So why didn't you?"

Stephan heaved an exasperated sigh and, "Well, if you'll just let me tell one story at a time, I'll get to that, all right?... Because what happened sort of influenced my thinking, all right?"

So after I gave him a shrug, he continued. "See, in the first place, I have no idea what was going on inside his head. I don't know anything about that. And you also have to remember that I'd never even slept in the same bed with another boy, but when he pulled my shorts off and threw them across the room, I thought things were about to get very interesting."

"Except not in the same sense of interesting as at the creek."

"Yeah, right, Nathaniel. But in a way, things really did get interesting, because he said I had to stay like that all night. Naked. Only he still had his shorts on. For what that was worth, because by then, they were a lot looser than before, but I swear, he went to sleep on top of me. But after almost an hour - that's what it seemed like - the novelty wore off. It was getting uncomfortable, so I finally managed to squirm out from under him. But I never thought about putting my shorts back on, because the way I looked at it, he'd pulled them off for a reason. Maybe I take some of those stories too seriously, I don't know.... But some of them, I still think that it can be that way, don't you?"

"I sure hope so."

"Yeah, me too.... But anyway, I kept waiting for him to do something. Sooner or later, he was going to. But other than rolling up against me every once in awhile... and for all I know, he might have been asleep – or, at least half-asleep... nothing happened. He was driving me nuts!!

"So I thought about it. And then I thought about it some more, and finally I decided I'd just go first. Because after all, if it hadn't been for him, I would have been forced into it earlier, and I really had the feeling that he'd been forced into it himself at some point, so I owed him that much right?"

For a second or so, I was about to crack up, but finally I allowed that it would work for me.

"So, " continued Stephan, "I scooted down until my face was even with his crotch. And he was on his side facing me. Yes!... I figured I'd just save you the trouble, Nathaniel."

"I'm too breathless for that now. So go on."

"So all right, I will, then."


... "So I was right there. Only then I waited a little longer to see if he was going to do anything. Because this was a big step. But he didn't roll away from me, so finally I took a deep breath, and very gently I tugged at his underwear. I had to release his dick again, so I pulled back on his shorts a little and it popped right out. I thought he had a boner, and he did!

"Except you get erections in your sleep all the time. So I waited some more."


"Well, it was hard on me too, Nathaniel. I mean, this was a momentous step. But you know how in some stories they mention the smell? Of sex? Well, I could smell it, just barely and it was tempting. So I took a deep breath, scooted up a little closer, took it between two fingers about midway down, and.... and..."

"Well, hurry up, damn it!"

... "Funny, that's what I was telling myself. So I did. My lips were touching his penis!... And he sort of groaned. But it sounded like a happy groan. So I opened my mouth a little wider, and I had his glans in my mouth. So I was wondering if it was really not going to taste bad like they say in the stories and it didn't. It tasted like something, but it didn't taste awful.... But I was still thinking in terms of getting used to it, only he gasped and moved closer. So that pushed his dick a little further inside. But it still wasn't awful.... And it did occur to me that he really wasn't asleep. But apparently he didn't mind, so I kept sucking on it. I'm sure it wasn't grade A, but it wasn't long until I was wondering if I was actually going to let him shoot off in my mouth. I guessed he was going to eventually produce something... but anyway, it wasn't much longer until it also occurred to me that I didn't have much choice. I'm not sure how long it took, but finally, it felt like it swelled up a little, and then it jerked and...

"I don't guess it was a lot. It's not like I had anything to compare it with, but it wasn't awful.

"Only once it was over, he just sighed and rolled over, and that was not how I thought it was going to be. I thought once I did it, he'd return the favor.

"But he didn't. And the next morning, it was like he was uncomfortable being around me, so naturally, I was too.

"I've thought about it, and what I think is, he'd probably been through it in juvenile, but I guess I misread him. And that's what I felt bad about, that it's possible that he didn't want to be like that.... At least not then. Later, who knows, but the thing is, no matter what my fantasies are, I wouldn't have wanted anything like what almost happened to me either. Not that way. Because I never wanted to just be a queer boy, I'm not ever going to be giving blow jobs for free if I have a choice, but I guess that's what I'd done with Zach.

"But that's why I was scared that night with you. I really liked you a lot, but I'd already miscalculated once, so I was scared. Simple."

"I was scared too, Stephan."

I like to think that boy/boy relationships are beautiful and, in spite of what society usually says, they're also pure. And they can definitely be that, but I guess whenever sex is thrown into the equation, there's always a chance that it might not work out the way you want it to. I mean, at our age, even boy/girl relationships are unpredictable.

If you think about it, I took a big chance with Carlie. It seemed like all the signals were in my favor, but I still didn't know how far I could go with it, I didn't know if there was a line that he couldn't cross. It wouldn't have mattered if his reasoning was screwed up or not, and it also wouldn't have mattered where his reasons came from: if for some reason I'd gone too far, then at best I would have found myself in a very uncomfortable position. I almost idolized him, so I was really taking a chance.

So from what Stephan told me, I could see how he might have felt the same way about Zach and I can also see how you might end up feeling like an idiot for having ever taken that chance.

But in spite of that, I decided to take another chance: I told Stephan that I loved him. He wasn't just the best friend I'd ever had, I really thought I loved him and when he actually started sniffling a little, and especially after he said, "Well that's funny, because I think I love you too, " it was worth it.

Was it ever.

This isn't reallyimportant, unless you happen to be from Womelsdorf. Then I guess it might be.

But after careful investigation, Stephan and I have reached the conclusion that Tulpelhocken comes from the Lenape word "Tulpewikaki", which means "Land of the Turtles". And the Lenape were there first, of course. But then came the German settlers and apparently, one of them must have said something like, "Ah! Tulpelhocken!" even though that makes no sense at all. It couldn't possibly have.

But anyway...

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