Secret Admirer

by Jonathan Perkins

There he is again, waiting in the lunch line to get his lunch. This is the only lunch period I share with him and it really makes my day when I see him. I don't know what it is about him that gives me a warm feeling but he does it to me every time I see him.

That's a lie. I know what it is about him. His dirty blonde hair combed to the side and laying just over his ears, his emerald green eyes that sparkle when he happens to look my way. Not that he notices me or I'm the one who makes his eyes sparkle, they just do. His smooth blemish free face, so delicate yet so firm and strong. All that and a mystique about him that makes him so alluring. He's not unfriendly by any means but he doesn't go out of his way to make friends. He'll smile and nod to his classmates if they say hello but he doesn't engage them in conversation unless he has to. And then it is brief and to the point. He walks to his classes by himself and leaves school right at the last bell.

I hadn't noticed him at all until several months into my second year of high school. He is in the same grade as I am but we don't share any classes other than lunch period one day a week. It was during that lunch period when I first noticed him. I had gotten my tray of food and was looking for my friend's table. I forgot a fork and turned around to go back and get one when I almost ran into him.

"Sorry, I forgot my fork," I excused myself.

I froze in place memorized by this amazing boy standing in front of me.

"The forks are over there," he pointed and walked around me.

My eyes followed him as he walked to an empty table and sat to eat his lunch. How could it be possible that he would be by himself with no one to sit with him. I was tempted to go join him but I would have felt weird just plopping down at his table. My friends were calling out to me to come join them at their table. When I sat down, I pointed to him and nonchalantly asked them if anyone knew his name. No one did. This became my first quest, to find out his name. Then I would figure out how I could befriend him. After all, who wouldn't want me as a friend. I'm good looking, so I'm told by people other than my mother, I smart, not a genius but honor roll every term. I don't play sports but quite a few of my close friends are on teams so I can hang with the jocks as well as the nerds. I'm average height and average weight for my age. I can carry on a conversation with just about anyone about most things. I've sold myself on me, now I just have to do the same with him.

I began to look for him in the hall between classes. I took different routes to my classes every day hoping to spot him. When I did, I would try and follow him discreetly to see which class he was headed to. I was starting to feel like a stalker, seeking out my prey. When ever I saw him, I would burn the sighting into my brain and save it for a long, slow wank session at home in bed that night. The more times I jerked off with him in my mind, the stronger the obsession became.

Finally a girl I know passed him and waved hello to him. He nodded and waved back, his usual reply. I caught up to her and stopped her.

"Brenda, do know that guy's name?"

"What guy?"

"The on you just waved to as he was passed you."

"Oh, him. He's in my English class. I think his name is Joel. He's really quiet and keeps to himself most of the time. Why?"

"Just curious. I've seen him around but didn't know his name."

Joel! Now I had his name. My first part of my quest has been successful. Now I have to figure out how to get to know him. This was going to be the hard part.

I kept my eyes open searching for him in the halls. I would get to school a little early in the morning to see if I could find him at his locker. My friends had started to notice my constant looking around as if I was looking for some one, which of course I was. I told them it was part of a fantasy game one of my nerdy friends had come up with. One guy was playing the part of an international spy and the players in the game had to figure out who the spy was by his actions and behavior. They all said the game was stupid and that's what happens when I hang around with nerds. I didn't mind their comments as it gave me cover to kept on the look out for Joel.

My vigilance paid off. I was walking the halls and I saw Joel standing at his locker getting out his books. I walked past him and 'accidentally' bumped into him.

"Sorry, I wasn't paying attention," I apologized.

"Yeah, you do that a lot."

"Huh"?

"Last week, in the lunch line?"

Holy fucking hell! He remembers me!

"That's right. You're Joel, right?"

"Yup," he answered curtly.

"Noah here. Sorry again. I'll have to be more careful."

"Okay," he said as he closed his locker and walked away.

Not a very auspicious first conversation, for sure. But it was something. And he remembered me. There may be hope yet. But I was going to have to proceed carefully so I didn't spook him.

My mother is a visiting nurse, calling on patients who are not sick enough to be hospitalized but needing some nursing help at home. Her schedule varies depending on the case load on any given day. Sometimes she was administering medication, other times just taking vital signs and checking a patient's progress on their recovery. Occasionally it was associated with hospice care when a person was nearing the end of life. She never really discussed her work at home, partially due to privacy regulations and partly to divorce her work life from her home life.

One afternoon my mother was going to take me to the dentist for a routine cleaning and exam. She had to stop on the way and check on a regular patient. She told me it would only take a few minutes and I could wait in the car. She parked in the driveway and went in the front door. Fifteen minutes later she came out. As she walked down the front steps, I could see someone standing in the doorway saying good bye. Damn! It was Joel. He looked and saw me in the front seat of the car. I smiled and waved. He had a deadpan look on his face and gave a slight nod of his head, then retreated into the house and closed the door. My mother saw me wave as she walked up to the car.

"Do you know that boy?"

"Yes, that's Joel. He in school with me."

"That's nice. He needs a good friend."

"We're not really friends, we just say hello at lunch sometimes. Is he sick?"

"No, not him. I really shouldn't tell you anything, but seeing as he is a friend. His mother is recovering from a stroke. It's a sad situation."

"Is she going to be okay?"

"Hopefully, but it's a long recovery ahead of her. Their health insurance ran out and the hospital sent her home. Joel's father took a job on second shift so he could stay home with her during the day and then Joel comes right home after school and tends to her until his father gets home late at night."

"That's why he leaves school so quickly every day. It had to be rough on him, and his father."

"It is but that's what family does. They look after each other."

I was a mix of emotions the rest of the way to the dentist. I was mad that life had given them such a raw deal. I was proud of Joel's father for stepping up and doing what he had to do to support the family. And I felt sorry for Joel, having to spend the best years of his childhood taking care of his mother. This was going to change everything about how I felt towards him.

That night in bed I reaching for my cock to wake it up for my nightly jerk off but it wasn't responding. Joel was on my mind, not as the object of my sexual desire, but as a boy who needed a friend, someone he could confide in and a friend to lean on. I made up my mind that I would be that person. I wasn't sure how, but I would.

The next day at school I made a point of walking past Joel's locker. He was just closing it when I walked up to him.

"Hey Joel"

Joel turned and saw me and his face got red. He nodded and started to walk away.

"Hey, have a good day."

What a stupid fucking thing to say. 'Have a good day' with your mother at home needing constant attention and you missing out on your childhood. What the hell is good about that?

I made sure I was several places behind him in the lunch line that day. When I got my food, I looked around to see where he was sitting. He was alone as usual so I walked over.

"Hey, Joel, mind if I sit here?" I asked as I pulled out a chair.

"Whatever, I'm done eating anyway."

He had barely touched his food but was getting up to leave.

"Joel, can we talk?"

"What is there to talk about?" as he turned to leave.

"Please, just sit down and hear me out."

He stopped and turned back to face me.

"My mother told me about your mother and what she's going through."

"It's none of your fucking business!"

That was the first time I had seen any emotions from Joel at all.

"I know, and I'm sorry if you feel I've invaded your privacy. But we all need a little help sometimes, especially those that are busy helping other people. If you ever want to talk, I'm a good listener."

"Then listen up, MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS!"

He stormed off and threw his uneaten lunch in the trash barrel.

I've taken things from bad to worse. I have to rethink this whole thing.

Now, before I go any further, I want you to know that I'm definitely not gay. I don't think I'm even bi. So how do I explain being so smitten by Joel and using him for my jerk off fantasies? I don't imagine he and I doing anything sexual when I jerk off. I just have a vision in my mind of his cute face and he and I hanging out together, laughing and talking. I usually think of one of the hot girls in school, a sexy TV or movie celebrity or just lay back and enjoy the feeling of my stiff cock in my hand, leaking precum and getting ready to shoot a big load all over my chest and stomach pretending it is one of those hot girls holding my shooting cock. But lately it's been Joel in my mind.

When I got home that afternoon I told my mother about my confrontation with Joel and asked her advice on what I should do.

"I'm disappointed that you broke the confidence that I shared with you about Joel's mother. I don't blame him for being upset."

"I'm sorry, but I just wanted him to know he didn't have to face this by himself."

"You meant well, but you didn't go about it very well."

"So how do I fix this?"

"I don't know if you can. All you can do is be there in case he does want someone to talk to or share his emotions with besides his father. It will take time and then again, it may never get better. Just stop pushing the issue and give him some space."

"Okay, mother, thanks."

The next day at lunch I made a point of walking past his table and pretending to look for my friends. I didn't look at him or acknowledge him in any way. I did this for a few more days then when I past his table I would just nod to him. After a few more days of this he would nod back to me but that was the extent of our interaction. The next day, I ignored him and out of the corner of my eye, I caught him looking at me as I passed his table. I kept this up for another week and then would just say 'hey' and nod my head when I walked by. The third time I did this he responded, saying 'hey' and giving me a little wave.

I was slowly but surely softening him up.

My mother was going to make another visit to Joel's mother and I asked her if I could go along. I wasn't going to get out of the car or wave to him or anything. I just wanted him to see me in the car. My mother went in and was back out in ten minutes. As we were backing out of the driveway, I saw the curtains in the picture move to one side and Joel was looking out at us. I told my mother and she smiled at me.

"I told you to give it time."

I accompanied her a few more times. The third time we were there, my mother forgot her purse in the house. She was slowly backing out when Joel came running out of the house, waving one hand and holding my mother's purse high in the air in his other hand. He ran up to her side of the car and leaned against the door.

"Mrs. Boardman, you forgot your purse," Joel said between gulps of air, trying to catch his breath from running to catch us.

"Why thank you, Joel. I'm usually not that forgetful. It's a good thing you noticed it."

"Yes ma'am. I'll see you again on Friday?"

"Yes, Joel, that is her next appointment. If you need anything in the meantime, don't hesitate to call me," she said as she handed Joel her business card.

"Thank, you, I will."

Joel looked across to me and gave me a little wave and a smile.

Fucking-A!! He smiled at me. I smiled and waved back as we pulled away.

"That looked hopeful," my mother said to me.

"I took your advice and just played it cool."

"Do we have a crush on him?" my mother teased me.

"MOTHER! No! I just feel bad for him not having any friends at school and having to spend so much time looking after this mother."

"Did you ever think that he doesn't mind taking care of his mother?"

"I didn't mean it that way. It's just that I think he deserves some time for himself, that's all."

Over the next few weeks Joel would say hi at lunch when I passed his table. I didn't want to push it too far so I just smiled said 'hi, how's it going' and keep moving. If I went with my mother when she had to go and check on Joel's mother, he would stand in the doorway and wave to me. He never came out to the car again so my mother suggested she should forget her purse again.

"Remember, mother, don't push him. Let it develop at his pace."

She smiled and laughed at me throwing back her words to her.

My mother was making supper and listening to her favorite radio station. They were holding a trivia contest on the air. She knew the answer as soon as she heard the question.

"You should call in, mother. You can win two tickets to the movies."

"If you want the tickets, you call."

I did call and won the tickets. They arrived in the mail a few days later. I gave them to my mother, but she told me to use them. I had an inspiration. Valentine's Day was coming up and I knew exactly what I was going to do with the tickets. I just had to figure out how to put my plan into action.

The next day I stopped at the local gift shop and bought a Valentine's Day card. It said 'from your secret admirer'. I wrote on the card 'Meet me at the Apex Theater this Saturday and I'll treat you to a movie.' Now I had to figure out how to get the card to Joel without him knowing it came from me.

I carried the card in my backpack for a couple days until I had my chance. Joel was sitting at his usual table at lunch. He spilled his drink and got up to go get some napkins to wipe up the mess. I passed him as he was going for napkins and we said a quick hello. When I passed his table, I looked around to make sure no one was paying any attention to me. I took the card from my backpack and slid it under his tray. I continued on and sat my friends at our table. I keep looking over at Joel until he finished his lunch and picked up his tray. He saw the card and picked it up, looking around to see if he could figure out who put it there. He dumped his tray and walked out of the lunchroom. I finished and passed him in the hallway on my way to my next class. I gave him a nod as I chatted with my friends. He had no idea where the card came from, or at least wasn't letting on if he did.

The rest of the week was normal, Joel and I saying hi or nodding and a small wave when we ran into one another. I didn't dare go with my mother and show my hand. By the time Saturday came, I was a nervous wreck. Would Joel show up at the theater? Did he suspect I was the one who left the card? Maybe I went too far and this was going to ruin everything?

My mother gave me a ride to the theater on Saturday. I got there early so I could find an inconspicuous place in the lobby to wait for Joel. My hands were sweaty, my heart was pounding so hard it was making my chest pulse in and out, and my head was a mess of emotions. Would he show? Would he be pissed at me? I was beginning to get so nervous I was about to leave when Joel came through the front door. He looked around the lobby trying to find the person who invited him. I screwed up my courage and casually walked out from where I was standing.

"Hey Joel, what's up?"

"Hi Noah. I'm supposed to meet someone here for the movie. You?"

"I invited Sally Monroe to meet me here and watch the movie too. You haven't seen her, have you? I had to go take a piss and hope I didn't miss her."

"I just got here but I didn't see her."

"Okay. I'm going to get some popcorn, you want anything?"

"Thanks, Noah. I'll just wait a while and see if they show up."

I went and got a bucket of buttered popcorn and came back to wait with Joel. So far, so good. I offered him some popcorn, the smell of the hot butter being irresistible.

We waited in the lobby, eating popcorn and making small talk. The usher came out and announced the movie was about to start.

"Do you have a ticket?" I asked Joel.

"No."

"I've got two and it looks like Sally isn't going to show up. You want to use the ticket?"

"I don't want to screw up your date."

"If she was going to be here, she'd be here by now. She is always punctual. Here, take the ticket," as I extended my hand with the second ticket.

"I guess my date isn't going to show up either. Thanks."

Joel took the ticket and we both walked into the theater, handing our tickets to the usher. There wasn't much of a crowd so we had our choice of seats. I went into a row toward the back of the seat and moved to the middle. I wasn't sure if Joel would follow me or not.

"Should we sit closer to the screen?" Joel asked.

"Sure, if you want. Not too close though, we'll get a headache."

I followed Joel and let his pick the seats. He sat down and I sat in the seat next to him. The movie started as soon as we were seated. It was a dumb movie that was at the end of it's run. That's why they were giving away tickets.

About fifteen minutes into the movie I caught Joel looking at me and not the movie. I looked at him and smiled. He smiled back and leaned over towards me.

"Thank you for inviting me," he said very quietly.

"What do you mean?" I played dumb.

"I know you left the card under my tray for me. Who else could it be?"

"It could have been anyone," I protested.

"It could have been but it wasn't anyone, it was you. Thank you."

Joel turned back to watch the movie. I was thrilled. He knew it was me and he showed up anyway. The 'secret admirer' card hadn't put him off. This gave me hope that we could be friends after all.

Another ten minutes went by and I felt his hand reach over and take my hand in his. He squeezed my hand and smiled at me, then turned back to the movie.

My heart was pounding again, but this time in a good way. I was feeling emboldened so I transferred his hand to my other hand and put my free arm around his shoulder. Joel moved closer to me and put his head on my shoulder. I could have sworn I heard a soft moan from him.

I had only started out to make a friend of Joel. Now we're sitting in a darkened theater, holding hands and cuddling against each other. I don't know where the hell this is going nor do I care. I never felt like this before but I know I like it. When the movie was over, the lights came up and we separated. I looked at Joel.

"Shall we go?"

"If we have to," he answered with a sly grin.

We left the theater still holding hands. My mother was sitting in her car out front waiting for us. She saw us and broke into a smile like I haven't seen on her in I don't know how long.

We dropped Joel at his house and headed home.

"So, the date went well?" she giggled.

"It wasn't a date, just two friends going to a movie together."

"Yes, dear, what ever you say."

It was the best Valentine's Day ever. It was better than getting the one special present for Christmas that you've always wanted. Better than getting a test back that you thought you bombed on and seeing a A+ at the top of the page, with 'Very Good' written under it. Better than having your mother make your favorite meal on your birthday just because she loves you. Making friends with Joel was better than all those things put together.

I wonder what Monday will bring?