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That's the Way it Was

by Prometheus

'How is he today nurse?'

'About the same. The physio has been again today. He really doesn't think that he'll be able to get much improvement in his hand and leg, especially at his age, and of course we know that his speech will never return; but he's a very cooperative patient and does everything within his capabilities that we ask of him'.

'How is he in himself though?'

'Well I'm feel that he has come to terms with his condition but he's been a little upset today'.


'Well he's been in tears quite a lot'.


'Who knows, ill people often are for no explainable reason. It can't be easy to lose your independence but it seemed to be a photograph brought it on today'.

'What photo?'

'He had a photo of two boys tucked in the back of his wallet. It looks like a very old school photo, sepia coloured and very crinkled. I think that it reminded of his school days and maybe he was thinking back to those times and perhaps reflecting on all of his past life. The old tend to do that but don't worry, I'm sure he'll cheer up now that you're here.'

* * *

It was James's fault.

I never did like geography lessons, partly because I couldn't see the point of knowing where the rivers and cities were in those faraway places that I'd never visit but also because Mr Houghton was so strict. Any boy caught eating a sweet or talking, or similar minor misdemeanours, would immediately be sent out to report to the Form Teacher for punishment. His lessons were therefore was boring and terrifying.

He was an old man and was probably the longest serving teacher. He wore his long black gown, presumably to establish his seniority and position, which made him look threatening. Which he certainly was. The younger teachers didn't wear them, even supposing that they had them, and treated use much more sympathetically. Some lessons were almost fun.

He was a big man with a large belly and huge hands which would seem more suited for shovelling cement than writing. His face was lobster coloured but his lips, which were quite large and blubbery, were the colour of the belly of a frog and it gave him a fishlike appearance, a fact not lost on James who could imitate his voice and mannerisms.

When Mr Houghton's back was to the class James treated me to an impression. Unfortunately for me James could always open his big brown eyes and adopt the expression of innocence that said ' what me Sir? Whereas I could never control my mirth and the more that I tried the more I giggled in embarrassment, and it was me, not James, that suffered.

My punishment was to pick up rubbish from the playing field, a pretty standard chore dished out for minor crimes. I was working my way along the high beech hedge that separated the field from the very expensive houses behind collecting the sweet wrapper, crisp packets, cigarette packets and other various discarded things that were thrown beneath it and deep in thought. Firstly thinking about ways that I could get my revenge on James and secondly worrying whether this crime would be referred to on my end -of -term report. I decided that I thought it unlikely since Mr Houghton rarely wrote more that one sentence in the space allotted to him and then only something banal like 'should try harder' or 'good do better'. He apparently did show an uncharacteristic sense of humour on one boy's report which said 'does well to find his way home' but we didn't believe that it was an original thought. So being deep in these thoughts I didn't notice him as I approached the cricket pavilion.

'Hello. What heinous crime have you committed?'

He came out from the space between the pavilion and the hedge. As a third former we were almost as frightened of sixth formers as we were of teachers. There was never any social contact between us, even boys who had older brothers at the school never spoke to them and even if they had to travel on the same bus would completely ignore each other.

'I got sent out of Mr Houghton's lesson for laughing.'

'Who hasn't, he's a pratt, I shouldn't worry about that. What's you name?'

'Paul Johnson.'

'Well I wouldn't worry about breaking your back picking up rubbish, they won't inspect what you've done and as long as you're out of their way they don't care. I've got a free period and I always come out here if it's fine to have a fag. Do you want one?'

'No thanks, I don't smoke'

'Probably very wise, I can see that you're not easily influenced.'

It seemed very strange that he should be talking to me so easily just like we were out of school or something but maybe I thought he felt safe to do so since we couldn't be seen by any of his mates. He was tall, the blonde hair fell over the front of his face and he frequently tossed it back with a flick of his head. He had an air of being very grown up and streetwise. His shirt was pulled out over his trousers (another crime) but I felt that he did it as a gesture of defiance against authority. His tie was loosened and worn with the knot some way down his chest. I noticed that there was a light covering of hair on his top lip.

'Come on Paul we'd better go behind the pavilion in case anyone is watching, and anyway I want a fag. If anyone has seen us they'll think that I'm telling you off about your rubbish duties.'

I followed him. I don't know why. I suppose it was no more than the obeying of an order that was the norm for a boy of thirteen. He took Woodbines from his pocket and again asked if I wanted one. I didn't. What I really wanted was to leave and I don't just think it was lack of courage, I think I was fascinated with this unusual pleasant relationship. So I stayed and watched him light up his cigarette and then flick the match, with what seemed like a very practiced adult style, into the air. He leaned back onto the wall of the pavilion with his bottom some distance away from it and laid his head back, rather like a scene from a Humphrey Bogart film. The lock of hair fell into place and away from his face. With his hips thrust forward he took a deep drag of the cigarette and exhaled the smoke with a sigh of satisfaction. I felt that I should say something but didn't know what. He didn't seem to mind me being there and I waited for him to tell me to go. I could see that he had closed his eyes and he seemed to be in a state of complete peace and tranquillity. I wondered that if cigarettes did this then I should try. I had tried a few times but didn't like it and in any case my mother would go bananas if she found out. He only smoked about half of it before crushing it underfoot and said

'I've got to go to the library before my next lesson so I 'spose I'd better go; but I need a slash' and he undid two lower buttons of his trousers. I turned my back. I heard the stream of piss hit the wall of the pavilion, first in a steady stream and then with two or three squirts as he let out a sigh of satisfaction.

'That's better.'

I turned back knowing that he had finished and expected him to have done up his flies but he was facing me with his cock still in his hand. I felt a shudder run through my body as I gazed in amazement at his massive tool. I had only seen the cocks of the other boys in my form as we showered, or maybe a bit more of James when we had a piss in the woods, and although mine is pretty small it was comparable with all the others. I thought that it was only when you were a grown man that your cock would grow in relation to your size but his was what I imagined a grown mans would be. Although he was fair-haired and pale skinned his prick was darker, I could see the knob shape bulging beneath the foreskin. He shook it a few times, and it seemed to grow even longer. All the time he was looking at me. It seemed that the episode had lasted for hours but I expect it was only a few minutes.

I hadn't turned away.

He smiled and seemed pleased that I was admiring it and then slowly pulled the foreskin back to expose his knob. I can't pull my foreskin all the way back and what I can see of my knob is a sort of cherry red but his was a much deeper blood colour and seemed to be glistening with moisture. He pulled it back and forth a few times and I could see that he was getting an erection but before it grew to it's full size (whatever that would have been) he put it away and buttoned up his trousers.

'Well, I'd better go I suppose and leave that for tonight. See you again 'praps...... if you get into any more trouble.'

I think I know what he meant by 'leave it till tonight.' I dumped my bag of rubbish in the dustbins and met James as the class were coming out for break.

'I'm sorry you got into trouble, it was my fault really.'

'Its all right, it wasn't so bad and better than being in old grumpy's lesson. Did he give us any homework?'


'Well you'd better let me copy yours then.'

I didn't tell him about talking to a sixth former.

* * *

I saw him again today. He was with his friends hanging about behind the gym. I know that he saw me but he didn't acknowledge it. It's this thing about not fraternising with younger age groups I suppose, but there again I wouldn't of made any contact either and 'specially with James being with me. Having seen him though reminded me of the beautiful sights of the other day (not that I had ever forgotten them) I could feel my cock throbbing and I got a boner. I bent down pretending to tie up my shoe and positioned it so I hoped James wouldn't see the bulge.

I had the boner most of the afternoon. I couldn't concentrate on the lessons. On the bus on the way home I put my satchel on my lap and when we got off hung it in front of me.

'Are you coming out tonight?' James asked as we walked toward our estate.

James and me have been friends since primary school and I suppose he is my best friend. I have made other friends at school but since we live near to each other it's James who I go out with the most.

'Could do, what are we going to do?'

'Thought we might go to the park and see if sexy Althea is there'

'No I ain't coming then. What do you want to see her for?'

'Well John Walker say she'll show you her tits if you give her a fag'

'Don't think I want to see her tits thanks and anyway you haven't got any fags to give her have you?'

'No but she's always got a gang of boys around her and someone will oblige. John walker said she'd toss you off if she likes you. He says he has done it for him.'

'Oh yeah I bet. Its like some boys on the bus say they've had a fuck. Anyway I bet he can't toss off.'

'He says he can, and says it shoots out about two feet.'

'Well I wouldn't believe him he's always boasting about something, what about that time he said he had dived off the top board at the swimming pool and then when we saw him there one day he could hardly swim'

'Yeah, that's true but anyway he says he can; but we'll never know.'

That seemed to be the final analysis but when we got near to James's house he said

'Can you do it yet?'

The question surprised me. We often talked dirty but never about such personal things and I didn't know how to reply. If it had been anyone else but James I would have said 'get fucked' but reversed the question and said

'Well can you?'

I expected him to say 'Of course I can' but he sort of looked down at the ground and said 'no'.

'Neither can I. I get a sort of feeling in my stomach after I've been rubbing away for ages but nothing comes out and my cock gets so sore and red that I'm afraid you and the other boys in the showers will see it and know what I've been doing.'

Somehow, sharing these things made me feel a bit closer to him in a strange way but I hoped that he wouldn't bring the subject up again.

We parted. I said I hoped that he saw Altheas tits and he said he would see me there about seven o'clock if you want to come.

I didn't go.

Maybe he would give me the details tomorrow but it didn't matter cos I wouldn't know whether to believe him.......

But I would pretend to.

* * *

I could see mum looking out of the window as usual knowing that she would have a plate of homemade cake waiting for me and greeting me with the same remarks like:

'Go and change your clothes, and bring that shirt down for me to wash' and of course the inevitable 'Have you got any homework?'

There's only me and mum at home now. My elder sister is at University in Leicester and my dad left years ago. I have a vague memory of him but there are no photographs and mum doesn't talk about him. I asked my sister once but she said that I was too young to understand and to just forget about it and that we were all right as we were.

'I'm going to have a bath mum, can you leave tea for half an hour?'

'Yes I suppose so but don't be too long.'

There is no lock on our bathroom door. Mum said she couldn't see why it should be necessary, so I put the stool behind it so that I would have some warning in case she might come in. It had happened before!

I undressed as the bath filled. My boner had gone down in response to the normality of home but I wanted to see if the warm water and soap would make rubbing it less painful. I looked at it and compared it to the sixth former's. Would it ever grow to that size?

The water was soothing and I slid down until my chest was covered and massaged my cock. It came up quickly. I covered my hands with soap and stroked it, I hoped that the warm water would enable me to pull the foreskin down and one day it would come all the way and I could see my knob like I had seen the older boy do. I put plenty of soap around it and pulled, it was painful but I think I managed to see more of it than before. I continued to pull and with the other hand pulled down my balls, I looked at it and could see the slit being pulled open a little. Oh how I wished that I could see the spunk come out. I knew that it would one day...... but let it be soon. Perhaps some of the other boys really could toss off..........what does it feel like and what's the colour of spunk anyway? Maybe when James can do it he will tell me, but it's up to him, I won't ask, but I bet he will cos I would want to tell him if I can do it first.

I bet he doesn't see Althea's tits.

With these thoughts I rubbed away, trying not to stroke upwards too much so as to continually pull my foreskin down. The water splashed and the soap foamed as my hand slipped up and down. I tried two fingers concentrating the action just where my knob swelled beneath the skin. I slid a bit further down in the bath, raised my legs and pushed a finger of my left hand into my bum hole. It slid in quite easily and I worked it up and down. Suddenly I felt a sensation in my body like you get when you leave the ground in a car that speeds over a humpback bridge. It felt is this what it feels like to shoot the spunk? I looked at the slit in my knob expecting to see something coming out..........but there was nothing.

* * *

When I saw James as usual the next day nothing was said about out conversation the previous day. He didn't mention about whether he had visited the park and I didn't ask. My thoughts were still elsewhere and I certainly couldn't tell him about those.

I wondered why I wanted to see Chris (the sixth former), cos that's what I have called him my fantasies, but I only knew that I couldn't get him out of my mind. When he smiled at me that day it gave me such a warm feeling and I am sure that he really liked my company. Maybe I was deluding myself but I couldn't stop wanting to see him again. I don't know what I thought would happen. Perhaps he would ignore me and treat me like a kid. Perhaps he would laugh at me or worse 'praps he would tell his mates that I was stalking him and everyone would point me out and James and all the form would give me a hard time. If I did see him would I be able to speak, even if he was friendly, and if I were able to speak then what would I say?

The risks either of ridicule or humiliation seemed huge but still I needed to do it.

We had a free period from 11am till midday when we were supposed to go to the library to do some research or self-study. I told James that I wasn't going but was going instead to change into my shorts and do some practice for the cross-country race by running around the perimeter of the playing fields. I knew he wouldn't want to join me in that.

I hoped that Chris would be smoking behind the pavilion.

I ran round by the hedge, where I had been picking up rubbish, towards the pavilion, with my heart was pounding and my legs feeling disconnected and weak, not from the excursion but from anticipation.

He wasn't there.

I could see cigarette ends on the floor so he, or others, had been there since my visit. I felt like crying. I couldn't go back into the school and had to keep running around. I went back to the pavilion three times. I felt foolish. Why was I doing this? Whether from fatigue or disappointment I don't know and I resolved that I would forget all the silly business and write it off as a nice, but never to be repeated experience.

I hung out with James as usual. One day we went to the cinema and another to the swimming pool. James swims very well, whereas I can only do the breaststroke and feel a little inadequate but he likes to go and I'm pleased to do what he wants. It had been two weeks since my silly attempt to find Chris and I had put him to the back of my mind.

So seeing him again was a shock.

* * *

I got home from school and mum said that the milkman hadn't delivered the milk today and would I be a 'good boy' and fetch a pint from the shop. She didn't really like me going to the shop because it was on the other side of the estate and had a reputation for housing what she called the 'rougher element'. Although I tried to argue that we could manage and that I didn't mind having condensed milk in my tea she was insistent.

I took a shortcut through the park and there he was; coming towards me.

He looked so different out of his school uniform. He was wearing tight tan coloured trousers, a pale blue short-sleeved shirt that seemed the exact colour of his eyes. I could see the bulge of his cock and my memories returned of what was underneath.

He smiled as hegot closer.

'Hello Paul what are you doing here?'

'Hhhhhello. I'm going to the ssshop for my mum.'

'What a nice surprise, I didn't know that you lived round here. Where do you live?'

'Bolingbrook Rrroad, on the other side.'

'That's nice cos I live near here. Do you know Dingle Farm?'

It was all question and answer and I couldn't think of anything to say.

'I thought the farm had gone bust or something'

'Yes it did but my dad bought the farmhouse and the land was bought by someone else and is now rented out to another farmer. So you see we're nearly neighbours.'

'Yyyess I spose so'

'You must come over some time'

'I dddidn't think that you'd want a third former'

'Why ever not? It's not as though we're at school. I like you, why do you think I spoke to you that day. I've often seen you and wished that we could meet again. Would you like to come home with me now?'

'Wwwhat would we do?'

'Well, just hang out together, play some music, have a drink of something, you know just the usual things'.

'No mum told me not to be long and she'll have my tea ready'.

'That's a pity but never mind you can come anytime you like. Tell you what why don't you come round after school one day. My parents aren't home until about seven o'clock so we can play the music as loud as we like. Do you know where the house is?'


'Well what say we make it tomorrow then'.

'I'll have to think of an excuse, mum always looks out for me when I get off the bus and my friend James always walks home with me.'

'Well bring him too if you like.'

'Nnno I wouldn't want to do that. I haven't told him about you.'

'Well I'm sure you'll think of something. I hope you'll come. My name is Peter by the way.'

'Oh; I always think of you as Chris.'

'Well you can call me Chris if you like, it's a nice name............Do you think of me?'

'Yyyess.. sometimes.'

'That's nice. See you tomorrow then.' And he waved as he walked away.

I realised that my cock was stiff.

I hoped that he hadn't noticed.

* * *

I told mum that I had to stay late at school to do some work on my project for woodwork and told James that I had to do an errand for my mother. When we got of the bus I waited until he had turned the corner and out of sight and then headed for the park.

I had only seen the house from a distance and when I got closer I realised that it was huge, so different my own semi-detached. The large oak door was studded with brass things, a large brass knocker was high up almost out of my reach and I wondered what I should do but I needn't have bothered because before I could do anything he opened the door.

'Hello Paul, I saw you coming down he road. Glad you found it alright.'

'Yes no problem. It's so big you could hardly miss it.'

'Well come in then, I've only just got back myself. Come into the kitchen we'll have a drink then.'

The kitchen seemed as large as our whole house. An Aga filled most of one wall and fitted cupboards another. There seemed to be every type of cooking appliances possible and the floor was marble or some stone or other certainly not lino like mine. Chris went to an enormous 'fridge and brought out a bottle of orange drink.

'Will this be OK for you?'

'Yes thank you'

'We'll just have this then and then go to my room. I need to get out of these lousy school clothes.'

We reached his room via a long staircase, carpeted so that you didn't hear a sound. There seemed to be doors everywhere and we went to one at the end of a long similarly carpeted passage. The room was huge and painted in a pale mauve colour. There were posters on most of the walls, of pop groups that I didn't recognise and one large one on the wall behind the double bed of Betty Grable. She was bending over and you could see all of her tits except the nipples she had got her legs wide apart and where her pants were pulled tight over her fanny you could see the slit. I wondered how his mother could allow such a thing. It was a room to die for. Chris must have recognised my amazement.

'This used to be my brother's room before he went to university hence the colour and the posters. He threatened me with a fate worse than death if I changed it because he chucks me out of it when he comes home for holidays.'

'I see, but I like it. You can't hardly turn round in mine and I have to do my homework on the dining room table not on a nice desk like you have and certainly my mum wouldn't let me have posters like that.'

' Anyway make yourself at home I must change.'

So he did, quite unashamed as though it was the most natural thing in the world.

Perhaps it is through not having a brother or something but I don't think that I could do that in front of someone other than someone I knew well like say James or other boys in my form like we have to do when changing for PE lessons.

I watched him as he took off his jacket and threw it onto a chair, mum would have gone mad. 'Don't I have enough trouble keeping you in clothes now that you're growing so quickly, money doesn't grow on trees you know' then he undid his trousers and kicked them off to join the jacket on the chair. He undid a few of the top buttons of his shirt and pulled it over his head and I could see his cock stretched in his underpants as he leant backwards to remove it. I wondered if he was going to take them off as well; but he didn't. He walked to a wardrobe on the other side of the room and returned with the tan coloured jeans that I had seen him in before. As he pulled them up he stroked his cock into position so that they could pass. The whole thing seemed to me to be happening in slow motion as I gazed in admiration.

My cock was erect.

* * *

He didn't put anything on his top half and came to the bed and sat beside me.

'That's more comfortable, do you want to take your jacket off. You'll feel more relaxed.'

I did, and laid it on the bed. I kept my hands in my lap in case he noticed my boner but doubted that he would notice anything so small.

'We could put some music on if you like but it's better to talk don't you think?'

'If you like but what about?'

'Any thing you like but I'd like to know more about you like how old are you?'

'I'm thirteen but I'll be fourteen in a months time'

'I thought that..........I like boys of your age. All my mates think they're so clever and know it all whereas your age are just experimenting and wanting to know about things. Besides most of them have zits and things and are quite ugly, some of them should shave but don't and have horrible hair growing all over the place. You are beautiful. Shall I tell you something? You know when I spoke to you that day? I'd been watching you bending down picking up the rubbish and I thought you had the most wonderful bum and I imagined what it would be like to hug you and feel it. I think you've got the best bum of any third year I've seen.'

'Ahh shut up.'

'No I mean it. If you hadn't have been so near I would have tossed myself there and then just watching you.'

'You shouldn't be talking like this it's dirty'

'No it isn't it's natural everyone tossed off. I bet you do.'

'No I don't.'

'They all say that and then when you get home from school I bet you're pulling it for all you're worth. Anyway if you don't do it the spunk will only come out in a wet dream. I do it every morning and always when I come home from school, and sometimes at dinnertime. It's natural and it does you good.'

'I wouldn't know cos I can't do it yet.' I didn't mean to say it but I forgot that he wasn't James.

'Oh I see, I'm sorry Paul I didn't realise. Some boys start later than others but don't worry about it cos it will happen. As the hormones increase it is inevitable and you can't stop it happening.'

He moved closer to me and I could feel his leg against mine.

'Perhaps you're not trying for long enough'

I felt that I should stop the conversation there but somehow it was so nice to be able to discuss such things and he didn't seem the least embarrassed so I continued.

'Yes I've rubbed and rubbed until it's red and sore, sometimes I get a sort of feeling but nothing ever comes out.'

'Well it sounds to me that you're nearly there would you like me to see what I can do?

'Wot you mean?'

'Well let me have a look at it and see if I can make it work.'

He put his hand on my knee and slowly slid it up to my crotch.


'You're not shy are you? There's no one else here and no one else will come in. I'll show you mine if you like.'

And with that he unbuttoned his trousers and released his cock.

'See, it's only a prick and everyone's got one. They might vary a little but basically there're all the same.'

'Well I can tell you mines not anywhere as good as yours'

'Well come on then lets see it. Don't be shy.'

He took off my belt. I put my hand over his but couldn't stop him. He slowly undid all the buttons and then pulled out my cock from the opening in my underpants.

'Oh you lovely boy you've got the horn, no need to be shy about that.'

I'm not too clear about the next sequence but I realised that I was lying down on the bed my trousers were around my ankles and his hands were pulling my pants down. He was so gentle and I could feel his hands pause when they got to my bum and softly massage each cheek with his smooth soft hands. He moved his hands to the front of my underpants and eased them over my stiff small cock which was lying on my belly. I didn't look at him I wasn't in a position, or had the desire, to resist. I felt rather as I had when we first had to go into the showers at school, after the first time it wasn't a problem. Anyway he had seen it now so there was nothing I could do. I thought he would laugh or something but he didn't.

'You silly boy it's so beautiful, I'm sure that with some lubrication I could make you cum.'

'Come? What do you mean?'

'That means to make spunk. Haven't you heard that before?'

'Yes but I didn't know what it meant and I don't know what spunk looks like.'

'We could do something about that, I haven't had my toss yet but I'd rather see what I can do to help you I'll go and get some oil.'

When he returned he had a plastic bottle.

'It might feel a bit cold to start with but it will get better.' And he poured some into the palm of his hand and then took my stiff cock and stroked it up and down. I hadn't looked at him since he had laid me on the bed but did so now. He was so gentle and the feeling was indescribable, he worked his oily hand around my balls and then beneath them to a spot between my bum hole and base of my cock. I must have made a sound of ecstasy or something because he leaned over, nearly on top of me, and looked into my eyes and they were of full of...........I don't know what?.......pity?........compassion? I looked into his face, now so close to mine that I thought he was going to kiss me. His hazel coloured eyes seemed to transfer, as if by osmosis, their feeling of what?......pleasure?.....Love? No it couldn't be love.............boys don't love other boys. Maybe boys talk dirty or maybe do dirty things together, but it wasn't love like it might be between boy and girl, but as I saw the features of his face with his smiling lips and that lock of blonde hair falling across his forehead at that moment I wanted to kiss him.

No one had ever been so nice to me.

Mum would hug me, and it is only recently that she has stopped kissing me goodnight, but this was so different and wonderful.

'You really are the most beautiful boy.' Your cock is perfect. I think we'd better get some more of your clothes off so as not to get them stained don't you?'

I didn't argue as he pulled my shirt over my head or removed my shoes and lay me on the bed naked.

* * *

It seemed like a fantasy. I'd only been naked when in the privacy of the bathroom or my bedroom. Naked with my classmates in the showers didn't count cos that was school where you just did as you were told.

He removed his trousers and then pulled his pants over his massive now rock hard cock. As he lifted each leg out I could see his balls dangling below. It seemed again to be happening in slow motion. As he walked over to the bed, he held both arms at his side, unashamedly allowing his huge cock to be displayed for me to see, and lay down beside me. . I don't know how big it was, it looked over seven inches long and as thick as two of mine, his knob was already protruding nearly all the way out of his foreskin.

He snuggled close to me our bodies seemed to be moulding like Siamese. He turned my head towards his and pushed my hair back. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted him to kiss me. He didn't. He eased himself up, shuffled a little higher on the bed, and took his cock in his hand holding it quite close to my face and slowly pulled back his foreskin and again I had my view of that huge plum coloured knob glistening and wet.

'You see what you've done to me you beautiful boy I don't think I'll be able to hold back much longer'

He then got onto his knees and positioned himself so that his cock was near to mine.

'Would you hold mine for me?'

I took held his cock in my right hand; I could hardly close my fist, and stroked it up and down like I had done my own.

'Not so Hard Paul, loosen your grip and go slower. Ahhh that's better but you'd better stop cos I don't want to come yet and I'm nearly there.'

He had got mine in is left hand, two fingers beneath and thumb on top, and pulled my foreskin down.

' won't come all the way.'

'I'm sorry, so sorry, I'll be more gentle.'

He left it pulled down as far as it would go and bent down very close to look at my knob.

'Beautiful....I think I can see a bit of spunk on it.'

'I doubt it I can't feel anything happening.'

'No you won't it's what you call precum.'

With his right hand he played with my balls and then found that sensitive spot like before. The sensation was wonderful and then I felt his finger rubbing around my bum hole. I felt him trying to put it in, there was a sharp pain and he looked into my eyes again.

'It's alright I won't go any further than you want me to'

I wasn't able to reply and he gently eased it in. He left it quite still and the pain eased as it had when I did it to myself in the bath. He moved it around, pulling it back a little and then pushing further in until he found the spot that I had discovered for myself. I felt the same stomach churning feeling that I had felt before.

'Ahhhhhhhhhhh.................. is that what it should feel like?'

'I imagine so. Was it nice?

'Yesss. Just keep it there'.

'Well there you are then, you've come and you told me you couldn't do it. That's what the feeling is like but when you can shoot out the spunk at the same time it's ten times stronger and better. You just needed a bit of show how.'

He bent over me and pressed his lips to my chest.

'You're beautiful; I think I love you. Do you feel like tossing me now please? You don't have to but it would be nice and for sure you'll see what spunk looks like cos you've made me so excited it will probably hit the ceiling. Let me kneel over you then you can see it come out.'

I took his cock in my hand, I felt I needed two, and stroked as he had told me, on each down stroke his knob came fully out and I was so near to it I could see the slit opening.

'That's lovely, you're a quick learner but when I'm about to come you must do it a bit faster and whatever you do don't stop. I'll tell you when.'

I speeded up a little and gripped a little harder it seemed like only five or six strokes when he said

'That's it........faster.........don't stop........for fuck sake don't stop now..........I'm coming.........I'm coming...........OH FUCKING HELL THAT'S WONDERFUL..............AHHHHHHHHHHH.'

The spunk came out of his slit and shot up into the air about three feet. The second load came out horizontally and landed on my chest and belly. I thought that he had finished but he said:

'No keep going but you can relax your grip now and just squeeze a bit.'

As I did so more spunk kept coming out slowly until he took my hand away and squeezed the last drops out himself onto my belly and the small amount of hair above my cock. I looked at the spunk. He had pulled his hand to the top of his cock when squeezing the last drops and it now collected in his foreskin and hand. He seemed exhausted but said he would go and get me something to clean me up with. When he came back he seemed recovered and his cock hung limp as I had seen it behind the pavilion.

I think I liked it limp just as much.

The spunk that had landed on my belly was now cold and sliding off and in danger of falling onto the bed so I scooped it up with my hand and smeared it on my cock. Perhaps I couldn't cum properly but at least I'd had spunk on my knob.

He brought a towel and wiped me clean, gentler than my mother used to do, and then lent over me and kissed me on the cheek.

'Now I know I love you. I've never had such a good toss as that. You're a real expert.

Next time you will cum, I promise it.'

I knew he couldn't mean it.........boys can't love boys........but I wondered what those feelings I was having for him were?

I wished that I could stay with him with our bodies entwined forever and that he would hug and kiss me and I could take his cock and press it against mine.

* * *

James didn't join us today when a few of us kicked a ball about at mid morning break as was our routine. I didn't see him at dinnertime and when we got of the bus to walk home I could see that something was troubling him.

'What's the matter with you today then?'


'Well you could've fooled me, you look like you've lost a shilling and found a penny.'

'Nothing to do with you.'

'Well be like that then, sorry I asked.'

We walked on in silence. I had a sudden fear that somehow he had found out about my visit to Chris. How could he? I had purposely run home the long way round so as not to pass his road and anyway even if he had seen me he wouldn't have known where I'd been. Had he seen me and was hurt because he thought I'd gone somewhere without either telling or inviting him? No, although we spent lots of time with each other we didn't go everywhere together.

'Have I said or done something to upset you? Cos if I have I don't know what it is.'

'No it's not you.'

'Who then?'


'Oh be like that then, if you don't want to tell me see if I care.'

We walked on to the junction where we had to part to our own roads. I didn't like to leave him with this unresolved dispute and to try and cheer him up I said

'I know what it is; Althea didn't show you her tits did she.'

'Shut up.'

'Oh what's the matter? You did go didn't you?'

'Yeah; so what?'

'Well why are you being so coy about it? What happened?'

'Well I did see her tits if you must know, which is more than you've done.'

'How come, where did you get the fags to bribe her?'

'Didn't have to cos randy Walker and his gang was there as I suspected.'

'Go on then; what happened?'

'Well I went to the park and I saw them sitting on the bench in the shelter behind the toilets. There was Walker, John Roberts, Althea of course and an older boy who I didn't know. I didn't think that they had seen me and I was walking away but Walker shouted ' Hey Tiny come here, got any fags?' Well what would you have done you know what he's like, if I hadn't have gone he would've had it in for me even more than usual. You remember that time when he was showing off as usual in the showers and all his mates were shouting 'Walkers got a stalker, Walkers got a stalker' and he had hung his towel on it and was prancing about then the Sergeant came roaring in and Walker put on his innocent face and said 'sorry sir I couldn't help it' and said that it was me that started the chorus. Well anyway, I went over to them and told them that I didn't have any fags hoping that they would tell me to piss off or something but he said 'Well you can't get any action then can you but if you give us sixpence for some chips later 'praps you can have a look'. They didn't ask Althea but I 'spect she wouldn't care anyway. I was going to say I didn't have any money but I didn't and handed it over. So big tits Althea stayed seated in the bench and we gathered round in front of her.

'Yeah then? Don't stop there, what happened?'

'Well what do you think? She lifted up her jumper and you could see her tits'

'Did you get a boner?'

'No. I think I said something like 'very nice' and left. Walker was feeling them. And she just lay there and let him.

'So? Why you so upset about it?'

'It's dirty isn't it!'

'I 'spose, but you didn't do anything did you.'

'No but I went didn't I, knowing what would happen.'

'So what, how are we expected to know about things if we don't look. For sure no one's going to tell us and those books aren't like the real thing.'

'I know but my dad has always told me that my private parts are private and that you should never let anyone interfere with you. He told me about those toilets near the station and said that I was never to go into them because homos hung out there.'


'You know, Nancy boys. Pansies'


'I never told you about that time one of them came and sat next to me in the Pictures and tried it on did I.'


'Well he did.'

'What did he do then?'

'He rubbed his leg against mine and when I shifted it he put his hand on my knee. I could see that he was playing with himself and I know what he wanted to do so I got up and left. I missed the film and had to wander about until it was time to go home.'

'Did you tell your dad?'


'Well you did the right thing then so don't worry about it. I won't tell anyone about Althea and I doubt that Walker will.'

'But it's dirty isn't it.'

'Not enough to get yourself upset about. I gotta go. Forget about it. See you tomorrow.'

Oh wasn't dirty was it? Love can't be dirty.

Mum had given up looking out of the window for me and when I went in she was already eating her tea.

'I'd given up on you, I thought you had been kept in late at school or something, why are you so late?'

'Just been talking with James, he's a bit worried about schoolwork.'

'Yes I can imagine. His parents want him to do so well and that sometimes puts a lot of pressure on him I daresay, but he's a very nice boy and I'm so glad that you've got such nice friends.'


* * *

I went to bed early. James had upset me. No not because he had been a bit sulky but it was the reasons that he gave. He seemed so unhappy that he had done something that he thought was wrong when it was only a very natural thing to do. We are all coming to terms with our feelings about sex. I expect he is trying to toss off like the rest of us and I bet he is feeling as guilty as hell about it. I wish that we could talk about it. Do you know, all the years we have been close friends I have only seen his prick when we are in the showers. He has nothing to be ashamed of, it is quite normal size compared to the rest of us (except Walker) his foreskin seems very long and tight and I don't suppose he can pull it back. He has dark hair and the hair above his cock shows more that the rest of us, so he should be proud. I don't know what it looks like when it's stiff and I can't get my imagination paint a picture of him playing with it. I wish that I had a father but I wouldn't like the burden of guilt that James's father loads on him.

I am so sorry for him.

In a way, but a very different way, I think that I love James as much I might love a brother. We've been friends for as long as I can remember and shared everything, our thoughts, our worries, our excitements and everything but now we seem to drifting apart over this sex thing. I need a friend now, someone that I can confide my feelings to and I have no one except James. I'd like to tell him about my experiences with Chris, I'd like to tell him how wonderful it is, I would like him to understand as I would understand if he were to tell me about some romance he had with a girl and I'm sure that his inclinations would be in that direction; that is when his inclinations take any direction at all. I'm so confused about my own. I wish I could think what Chris and me did was dirty, as James would, but I can't. I can't even believe that if that man had tried it on with me in the Pictures that I would have prevented him but of course I had to pretend to James that I would have done the same as him. I know James did the right thing, we are different and by sensible reasoning that makes him normal and me abnormal.

So that makes me a Nancy boy.

I don't feel like a Nancy boy. Everyone detests Nancy boys, they become the target for ridicule and violence from anyone at school who gets that label, whether it's true or not. They made life hell for Keith Adams who, for no better reason than the fact that he was seen out with a teacher in the snooker hall one day, tormented him with jibes and constantly called him a teachers bum boy. He was away from school for quite a long time with what was said to be nervous troubles. If they were to see me with Chris, a sixth former, they'd do the same thing to me.

I don't want to lose James. I think it would be wonderful if he could meet Chris and let him make love to him as he has to me then we could be comrades in desires, but I don't think that James would be so easily influenced as I was. I don't know what to do. I can see that James and I are growing apart. Sometimes I would like to be daring and grab at his cock and see what it feels like and what he would do. He is quite attractive and rather beautiful, but it's really his innocence that has the appeal and I know very well what he would do, he would be disgusted and never be my friend again and I want, no need, him to be my friend.

All these unresolved problems didn't alloy me to sleep and my thoughts and hands went, as usual, to my prick. Chris had said that he was sure that I'd be able to cum very soon and perhaps when I could then I would just do it two or three times a day and be satisfied and would get rid of all these feelings about looking and thinking about other boys, including James, and then we would be friends just like before, because for sure I seemed to be looking more and more at the other boys.

I looked at the older boys and wondered what their pricks were like, whether they were like Chris's, or like Walkers with no foreskin. I wondered if the spunk would shoot out as far as Chris's, but I didn't have any desires for them. I was more attracted to the younger boys in the second year knowing that they were starting to think about it and wanting to hug them, love them, and help them and tell them that it was ' all right'. I was attracted to the good looking ones but perhaps more to the loners who had found it difficult to make friends and often spent time on their own. Other boys talked about girls, even James had been to see Althea's tits. I had looked at nudes in the copy of Health and Efficiency that circulated beneath the desks but it didn't raise a boner like it did for some of the others.

I suppose that I must be a homo.

* * *

The bed was like a battlefield as I tossed around( no not that way). I pulled the pillow down and mounted it imagining that it was Chris's bum but I didn't try to put it in but instead gently worked it in the divide between those wonderful cheeks that I had seen and felt. I wondered what James's bum would feel like, and how I would run my hands over his body and whisper 'it's all right James you're my friend and you're beautiful'. My cock was stiff but I couldn't think of James this way and it went limp.

My lungs were bursting as I dived down into the murky water of the river. The sharp bottle green leaves of the weeds tangled around my feet as I kicked my legs and pulled with my arms, deeper and deeper. I could see James below but the more I struggled the further away he seemed to get. His eyes, the colour of a bottle of Dandelion and Burdock, were open and staring at me. Chris, naked, swam by and turned on his back grabbing me and trying to pull me back to the surface.

NO NO......... GET OFF, James is down him.

It's too late it's you I love. ....PAUL PAUL the voice seemed to come in a muffled cry from the depths, but it wasn't James it was my mum leaning down into the water and pulling at me.

'MUM....MUM James is down there, save him.'

' COME ON it's past eight o'clock and what the devil have you been doing with all your bedclothes? Get up NOW.

The eiderdown and blankets were on the floor. The sheet was wrapped tightly, like the reeds, around my legs and my pyjamas bottoms were entangled with it. The pillow was lying at my side and as I rose up to consciousness I could feel a cold wetness from its contact with my body.

My hands felt sticky.

* * *

Today we had PE second lesson. Actually I enjoyed PE, the Sergeant was pretty strict but he seldom gave me any trouble cos I seemed to be able to do ok but it was the showers afterwards that were the problem. They were compulsory and you couldn't avoid them cos the Sergeant's room had a window that looked out onto them. There were some boys who wouldn't have got a proper wash without showering at school if they lived, as many did, in houses that didn't have a bathroom. The showers took the form of a corridor with the six jet heads on one side, so we all filed through in a line. Mostly you ran through cos the water wasn't very often more than tepid. James and me tried to be the first through cos that way we could get to reach our towels before most of the others. James sometimes had his underpants on well before he had dried himself properly.

Today I didn't make it.

The sergeant asked, no instructed, that anyone belonging to Nelson House should stay behind. I should explain that each year's intake of pupils was graded into Forms, about six I think. Those considered ``bright' did Latin and some sort of different English I think and were labelled 3L. My form was 3S, I think it meant that we did more science or something. Another was 3M, I don't know how that differed but it seemed to mean that we were somewhere between 'bright' and 'thick'. How Walker and Roberts escaped 3X, who it seems did mostly metalwork and wood work, I don't know cos their combined IQs wouldn't give them the ability to butter bread. Although we were split into Forms the whole school was assigned to four different Divisions called Houses of which we were supposed to be very proud. Each House competed, not by academic prowess but in inter-house sports. Mine was called Nelson and was average overall but most of its successes came through the fact that it fielded the best cricket team. My contribution came from cross-country running at which I seemed to be better than average or at least better than those that started off and then stopped for a smoke on the golf course before joining us fools who had run the whole four miles. Actually it was something that I enjoyed and usually came first so that's what he wanted to talk to us about cos there was an Inter-House event next week.

Only Walker and me remained behind.

'Well it looks like we got the tortoise and the hare here but WALKER I want you to listen carefully. I know that you won't finish in the top three, or maybe the top fifty but what I want you to do is understand? Do you hear me?'

'Yes sir.'

'Good. Because my House is going to win the shield this year if I have anything to do with it and the one point you can get for just finishing may very well be vitally important in the final reckoning. Do you UNDERSTAND.'


'Yes what.'


'Off you go then, remember I'll be watching you and don't forget the shower.'

'But we'll be late for our next lesson'

'Never mind that, tell your teacher I kept you late and he can check with me if he wants.'

When we got to the changing room most boys had already left. Walker went to the other end of the room, which was his usual place, something like being conditioned like Pavlov's dog I suppose, and I undressed near to the entrance to the showers and went in first. The water was warm and it and I felt good. I could take as much time as I liked, I might even miss half of the maths lesson that was before me, so for once I could enjoy the pleasure of letting the water run all over me in a soothing cascade. I half expected that Walker would miss the shower knowing his attitude of disobeying any order that he could. He didn't. I was letting the soothing warm water run from my head, down my chest and back and watching it fall past my cock to my legs and feet when he came in. I turned to face him and could see that he had got a semi hard on.

'What you looking at then?'


'Don't give me that, I've seen you looking before.'

I think there comes a time in everyone's life when one has to face up to a nasty situation and looking back I think what I did was cowardly but in the event successful. I knew I couldn't beat a bully anyway.

'Well it's worth looking at isn't it. It's the best one in our form for sure, probably all of the third year too, and much bigger than mine you can't blame anyone for envying you.'

Actually I didn't like it. True it was a bit longer than the rest of us and certainly thicker but he had very small balls and no foreskin. His knob was dry and the colour of cooked salmon. Not at all like Chris's.

The psychology, if that's what it was, worked cos he smiled (a rare sight) and with it in his hand turned full frontal to face me.

'Yeah it's had a lot of action.'

'I bet. You better leave it alone or you'll frighten me if it gets any bigger.'

'I could have them begging for mercy when I get fully up but I'll be in more trouble if old nosey sergeant sees me. Leave it for tonight.' And with that he winked and I left feeling that I had scored a victory. For now.

I had dressed when he came out, his prick now reduced to the normal size that I was used to seeing, and was stuffing my PE kit and towel into my bag.

'Here hold on wait for me old goggle eyes won't know how long we was kept behind and I need a fag so you can't go before me.'

I nearly said 'watch me' but the word 'can't' from the school bully had a certain ring of threat and I didn't think I could win two battles in one day. So I waited.

He swaggered out, with his shirt outside his trousers in order to set the principle that if a rule was made it was there to be broken. His black greasy looking hair was combed and pulled a shape at the back that was considered cool and called a ducks arse. There was a red patch on his forehead, a bit like a strawberry where he had obviously been squeezing one of the more aggressive pimples.

'Let's go behind the Gym no one ever sees us there.' I assumed that that is where his gang hung out at break and dinnertime.

I followed.

' 'ere' he said after he had dragged in a lungful of Park Drive and then exhaled whilst leaning back on the wall like he was a film star in a night club.

'You ortta come down the park with us sometime.'

'Thanks, maybe I will' (still being cowardly and two-faced)

'Yeah if you come tonight our mate will be there, if you think that mine's big you ortta see his. He left his school at fourteen and he's at work now. Works in the pie factory. 'ere I'll tell you something. On his first day there the women got him on the floor at dinnertime and got his prick out and smeared it with gelatine from the pork pies. Honest. He says the men say they do it to all the new apprentices. He says he was surprised but since then one of the women fancies him and he reckons he's going to fuck her. I bet he will too'. His fag was now down to about half an inch long and I hoped that he would put it out and that we could go but he held it between his thumb and forefinger and took another drag. 'Another thing, one of the men showed him some dirty postcards, he says you can see everything even the women's cunts and one woman is sucking a mans prick' he seemed to be getting quite excited and animated now, the words coming out with machine gun speed as he continued 'e says there's a picture of a black man and he's got a prick as thick as yur wrist and about twelve inches long. He says he's going to ask if he can borrow them and show us. I bet he'll be there tonight you gotta come.'

'Well maybe sometime but not tonight.' (getting braver now)

'Your cissy friend came the other night but he didn't stay for the action. So you better come. All right?'

'All right' (anything to get away)

I didn't want anyone to see us walking back to the classroom. I understood now how James felt about me when he was disgusted by my dirty talk and I wanted to get back to him and hug him and absorb all that nice safe innocence. Of course I couldn't hug him physically but in my heart I wanted to. I wanted to return to where we were before; where we had always been. My meeting with Chris, although he didn't know about it, seemed to have severed a bond and I couldn't change it. I wanted to tell him that it wasn't dirty and it didn't mean that I loved him less, in fact I loved him more; but I knew I couldn't.

What a mess. I would have liked to tell James about my wet dream and the thrill of finally being able to do it and how I was going to do it tonight so that I could see the spunk but I also wanted Chris to be the first one to see me do it. I fantasized that I wouldn't tell him but ask him to toss me off letting him think that it was his help and expertise that had achieved it. If only James wasn't so pure and shy.

What a bloody mess.

* * *

I woke early and looked, now with admiration, at my already stiff cock. I would repeat the night before toss off in the bathroom as I washed and dressed for school. Chris had said that he did it twice and sometimes three times a day so I figured that it would be all right for me too. I doubted that I would find somewhere to do it at school but if not then I would do it twice tonight. The feeling was just as good but the amount of spunk only about the same and still no shooting out with force. I longed to be able to shoot it up onto my stomach, or with luck someone else's.

I wanted to tell everyone. I knew I couldn't tell James but I had to see Chris. I still had it in mind that I would let him find out for himself if and when we met. I could now face Walker with the knowledge that I could do it and maybe he was all talk.

When we first went to the Grammar school, apprehensive and frightened, we all naturally stuck together. When we were split up into Forms we tended to hang about with those in our own Forms and within those groups we formed friends and subgroups. Outside these groups fraternisation didn't happen, I don't know whether it was an unwritten rule or shyness in talking to older boys. I know that the older boys never talked to younger ones. Even boys who had older brothers at the same school never broke the 'rule'.

So I had no idea how I was going to get a message to Chris. I knew that he went on his own, or I suppose he was always on his own, to the place behind the pavilion but I couldn't think how I was going to find an excuse to try get away and find him there.

Friends and groups can be nice for protection and company but unless you are a freak and a loner who never makes friends, then they can be a handicap; everyone always asks what you're doing, where you're going and why.

I knew what year he was in but I didn't know his name or what Form he was in. If I had known those facts then maybe I could somehow find his timetable and know where he would, or should, be during the day. The only thing that I could think of was to guess where he might have the toss off he said he had at dinner times. The most likely place would be behind the pavilion where he went for a smoke but I couldn't see how I could get away from my mates to go there. There may be other secret places that I didn't know about but the only other possibility was the bogs.

Bogs...lavatories.........Toilets........Shithouse. Call them what you will but the last is the most apt.

Our school is a large three-storied block where all the academic lessons take place. The only other buildings are the woodwork and metalwork block, with the Tuck shop at the rear, to the east. To the west are the Gymnasium, the Fives Court, the cycle sheds and then the shithouse.

The shithouse is a hole from hell and you have to be in dire distress to go there, or at least I would have to be very desperate. The laughingly called urinal is a bitumen painted wall with a gully, badly drained and usually full of piss. There are three cubicles with toilets devoid of seats. However if you wanted a toss off bad enough it would provide the privacy you needed. It would have to be a quick one depending on how long you could hold your breath. Never the less it was the only possibility I could think of.

I figured that if I could encourage James and a few others to play Fives I would be in a position to see who went in and out of the 'lavatories'.

James and Keith Hewlett seemed keen so the three of us went to the Sergeant who issued the ball and gloves. He seemed delighted that we were keen to do something physical and said that he trusted us to return the kit to his office if he should not be there. I said that I would let James and Keith play first and then I would challenge the winner and thereby I could stand outside the court and watch the bogs. Only a couple of boys went in during the time it took Keith to beat James so I had to forsake my post to play him. When it was nearly time for lessons to resume James volunteered to return the kit.

'I'm just going for a piss'. I was pretty sure that James wouldn't join me. 'See you in class'.


I looked at the cubicles. Two were vacant and the door was closed on the third but I couldn't smell or hear anything from within. I stood at the urinal wall and admired the height up the wall that someone had managed to reach with his piss. I couldn't stay there for a longer time than the others would think it would take me to have a piss and was leaving when the door of the cubicle opened. My heart raced. Would it be Chris? We would have enough time to make a quick arrangement (for tonight I hoped); but it was only a second year boy who rushed out. I went out, disappointed but philosophical that there would be another time and perhaps I would take a chance and go on my bike to his house tonight. I didn't know what I would say if one of his parents opened the door but would think of something on the way home.

I was about to go into the school when I looked round........................

Chris was leaving the bogs.

I went to my classroom, slumped down into my seat next to James and couldn't hold back the tears.

'What's the matter?' James whispered.


The teacher came to us and he too asked what was the matter.

'I don't feel very well sir'

'Well perhaps you'd better go outside and sit down until you have composed yourself and feel able to come back'.

I ran away.

Ashamed to have been seen blubbing, hurt and confused.

* * *

I ran put of the school gates and down the Avenue lined with the posh houses to the main road that led into town. Now, far enough away from school to not be found, the realisation of what had happened hit me again. There seemed to be a snake in my stomach that writhed with every recollection of the sight of the young boy leaving the cubicle and then it struck with venom when I remembered seeing Chris. FUCK you Chris you said that you loved me. How could you love me and do that. I remembered the gentleness that he had shown to me and the joy I had felt that someone could be my true friend and lover and that it was our secret and a very special thing just between us. I let him do things that I never ever thought I would have found possible because it felt so right and not dirty. I thought that I loved him. Tears stung my eyes again as I realised that he only wanted to do things to me for his own satisfaction and all those words he said were just lies. My hurt turned to anger.


I didn't know what time it was but figured that it must be about three o'clock. I couldn't go home until four, or I would have to explain why to mum, and there was no way that I was going back to catch the school bus and have to explain to the others either.

I rode a bus into town.

I knew there was a bus that would take me near to home that would enable me to walk and arrive roughly at the right time and I sat on the seat in the departure stand feeling miserable. All the morning I had an erection thinking about the possible liaison with Chris (that cheat, that cunt, that deceiver) but thoughts of sex hadn't entered my head since. I thought about it now. Not thoughts that I wanted to do it but an analysis of myself and what I was. I must be a homo. Why? Because I didn't find myself attracted to girls........only boys and I knew in my heart that I was looking more and more at them thinking how nice it would be to love them, hold them, teach them and for them to be joyful at the things that we did and return that love. Just a dream.........but I knew that is what I wanted. I told myself that I wasn't stupid and I knew that the natural development was for opposite sexes to be attracted (hadn't my mother's book told me, if I hadn't already known?). I have heard the opinion given that at puberty you don't know your true feelings, that you might experiment and have feelings that will change with maturity and follow the route that evolution has ordained. (I read that, or something similar in 'the book').

But I knew..........and I also knew that I would only be able to feel at ease with those of similar persuasion. I knew that James and me were not the same. I knew that he would hate me if he ever even suspected. I knew that I loved James. I knew that he could never love me.

I wanted to hurt myself. If I had a knife I would cut off my cock. I wanted to punish it, hurt it, deform it, make it so it would never work again................

I walked from the Bus Station to the Railway Station that was nearby.

I went into the toilets. The toilets that James's father had told him would lead to Hell and Damnation. I felt that it was the suitable and only place for me and hell that it was to Hell that I was going.

The urinals weren't' like those at school but separate porcelain bowls each with a small shield on either side to allow a degree of privacy. There wasn't anyone else standing there but some of the doors to the cubicles were closed, I had no idea whether they were occupied and I didn't care. I got my small shrivelled prick out and pulled the foreskin, not backwards but forwards till I nearly screamed with the pain. I got out my balls and squeezed and pulled them downwards. I wanted to take off all my clothes and stand naked and shout. Tears were in my eyes, not pity this time but anger and pain both physical as well as in my heart. I gripped my cock as hard as I could and pulled the foreskin back......back.....not stopping even when the pain became almost unbearable. 'I'll show you........go on...........get hard.........I'll rub you and rub you till you bleed'.

The door of one of the cubicles opened. An old man of about James's father's age perhaps stood in the doorway. He had his prick in his hand. I turned towards him and stood back from the urinal with my own prick and balls exposed. I didn't care anymore; I seemed to be in a frenzy of disgust and hate.

'That's nice son. Come in here and let me help you. Do you want to suck this?'

'Fuck off'.

But he didn't fuck off and neither did I.

I faced him, now with my back to the urinals and brazenly thrust my prick towards him and started to toss off in front of him, not for any excitement for me but an act of disgusting defiance and to punish myself. I no longer cared......tears were in my eyes as I rubbed harder and harder staring at him with the disgust that we both deserved. This isn't how I want to finish up............this isn't love............this isn't sex..........this isn't how it should be. I think that my cock was bleeding as I stretched the foreskin back harder and harder but the pain was nothing compared to my anger. I didn't care if anyone else came in. I wanted the spunk to come and to spill it on the floor in front of him.......a disgusting act in a disgusting place.

It did, but there wasn't enough to hardly notice, there was no delightful sensation...........just spunk.........just sex.

I put it away and left, leaving the man to return to his cubicle and wait for another more willing client I suppose, and returned to the Bus Station.

* * *

I caught a bus that got me home about the right time. Fortunately I didn't see the school bus, and went into the house. I was intending to tell my mother that I didn't feel very well and hoped that she would let me take a day off from school tomorrow. If I could manage it I figured that they would have forgotten about my crying. I didn't have to tell her because when I entered the room she said 'Whatever is the matter Paul you don' t look very well. Come here' and she put her hand onto my forehead. 'My word you don't seem to have a fever but you're as white as a sheet and you look weak. Looks like you're coming down with something. You must go to bed and I'll fill a hot water bottle for you.'

I was in bed by the time she brought up the hot water bottle. She put it in the bed beside me and again felt my forehead.

'Rest now and I will bring you some soup in a little while and see how you are. If you're no better tomorrow I'll have to get the doctor to call.'

I was certain that I could make enough of a recovery to prevent that happening but hopefully only enough that would allow a days absence.

'Is Paul in Mrs Johnson?'

'Yes he is but he's in bed and not feeling very well.'

'I know. He wasn't feeling very well at school today and he left his satchel behind so I've brought it home for him.'

'That's very nice of you James, will you come in?'

'Well no thank you not since he's in bed, just tell him I hope he'll be better soon and I'll see him when he comes back..'

'Well just wait there love, I'll go and tell him you're here and ask if he feels well enough to see you. I think that you're probably the only one who might be able to cheer him up. He really does seem quite low in spirits.'

James came into the room and sat on the bed.

'What's up?'

'I `spect I'm getting a cold that's all, you know how mothers fuss.'

'What was it that upset you today when we went back to class after dinner?'

'I don't know, it just happened. I felt a complete cissy and couldn't face coming back in so I got a bus home from town. Thanks for bringing my satchel. I hope I'm going to wangle a day off tomorrow.'

James was sitting so that I could feel his warm bum next to my leg. It felt so nice. I eased my self towards him. He didn't move. He looked at me with compassionate eyes, got up off the bed and then put his hand on my knee. We held our gaze and I looked into those beautiful brown eyes, now moist, and they seemed to burn into my very soul. I think he knew................ but he left his hand gently resting on my knee for a few minutes longer then turned away and left.

I think that his tears prevented him from saying anything.

I knew that things between us would never be quite that same again.

* * *

'Hello dad, nurse tells me that you have been a bit unhappy today. She says it was a photo that seemed to start it off. Can I see?'

Paul reached beneath the bedclothes and handed the photo to John who turned it over and read
James and me at seaside.

'Which one is you then?'

Paul pointed to himself in the photo.

'You were a handsome devil weren't you, and therefore the other good-looking boy must be James. Was he a very special friend?'

Tears came to Paul's eyes and he tried to speak. He moved the left side of his lips but was unable to make sensible noises.

'Don't upset yourself dad it's not important I was only trying to think of something to say. What are you trying to tell me? What is it that you want? Something from your locker?'

John opened the locker and Paul nodded, or shook his head as John pointed to the various things in it.

'Oh I see; pen and paper. Right here you are.'

Paul took the writing pad and balanced it on his 'dead' leg and with his left hand tried to write. He made a few marks and scribbled them out with frustration. It took a long time to make some words in large uneven letters on the page that he then handed to John.

'I can't really make out what you've written dad, is that an L? and is this an O?

Paul nodded.

'Do you mean you were in London? There's no sea at London. This looks like a W or a V. Do you mean Lowestoft?'

Paul was getting upset with the frustration of John not being able to understand and himself unable to communicate.

John gave him the photo back and said 'I'm sure it's not of any importance where you were just take the photo and remember those happier times.'

John put the piece of paper in his pocket and after spending a little more time sadly left, wondering whether this would be the last time he saw his father. He reported to the nurse on his way out and showed her the paper that conveyed the scribbled message to see if perhaps she could decipher it.

She studied it for some time.

'It doesn't seem to make much sense, I can't make it out either but looks like L OV   E D      HI   M'.

Oh well never mind, don't worry about it it's just one of those mysteries that we'll never know. He will take to his grave.

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