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Journey of Love

By The Journeyman

Chapter 18

It's been a long time. I told them I didn't want to write any more. But, jeez, can you believe this family? It's not just my lover. It's every one. I mean, things have been going real well, and it's all because of them. I've been going to counseling, getting the help I need, and they've seen to it. My lover hasn't even had to insist. Not make a scene or anything. It's like, I've been adopted. I have the love and affection I've always wanted. I had love, but not the affection. And it's not just from my lover. It's from everyone.

They so badly want everything to be okay. I mean, things aren't bad or anything. Just a little rough. That's why my counselor told me to keep writing things down. I didn't really want her to know about this, but it slipped out one day when we were talking. She asked if she could read it and I said I didn't think so. My lover hasn't even read it. But he'll need to some day. Anyway, at a group session we were talking about violence and things and I got really, really upset. Afterward she asked me what had upset me but I wasn't able to talk. I just fumed. She asked if I was still writing and I said no. I stopped several months ago. Then she asked why. I told her I just didn't want to. And she asked why again. And I just blurted out that it was too fucking painful, okay? I told her to get the fuck away from me.

When I saw her the next week I had to apologize. Not because anyone forced me to, but because it was the right thing to do. I apologized, and she asked again if I was writing. And I said no again. She said I had made a lot of progress while I was writing, even when she didn't know I was writing, and that it might help get over the last bit. She said I've healed soo much, but that writing could -- no guarantees, I noticed -- be the thing I needed most. That went on for weeks.

It has been so long I had to go back and reread some of it to find out where I left off.

So here I am again. Writing. Late at night, with my lover asleep, my cum deep inside him, his dried on my chest and belly where it splashed. And me in this dark room, staring at the glowing screen of my laptop. It is merciless.

I went back to school on Monday. Normally I would have preferred to stay home, but I'd had plenty of home. I wanted to walk into school, but I made a far less grand entrance in my wheelchair. Dad drove me. It sort of made me sad. I'd always walked with the guys, from the time we started first grade. Hell, even kindergarten. Today I came by carriage. It wasn't fun.

But school was. Everyone was happy to see me. Teachers, students, the principal, coaches. There was a little party in each room, and I had to tell and retell all about the accident, the hospital, my recovery. I had to demonstrate how little motion I had in my arm and leg. Jeez.

But I only lasted half a day. By lunch time I was beat. Dad came and got me and took me home. I slept the whole rest of the afternoon, then went to PT (Kyle's turn), ate, studied and slept. That was my routine the rest of the week. But the next Monday I was on crutches and there were pats on the back. I pushed myself in PT, and at the end of the month, I walked into school, to the applause of those standing near the door. My dad still drove me to school, but one month and one week after returning to school, I walked home with the guys. All except Danny. By then basketball practice had started and he had to stay at practice. Oh, and Greg had tried out and gotten a part in the school musical, Camelot. He was Lancelot. So Rich, Kyle and I walked home. By the time I got home, I was limping, sore and weak, but I made it.

And since Danny had basketball practice, he couldn't come with me to PT. So the guys kept up their schedule, and Danny came over every night to help with homework. Every single night. He also did his part for physical therapy, too. After studying, he helped stimulate my nerves. And then I'd work on the muscles in my right hand – squeezing and pumping a soft, firm object. It seemed like the resulting lubrication I was rewarded with helped keep my hand soft, too.

That was the good news.

The bad news came Tuesday after my first walk home.

I had collapsed exhausted into bed about 9:30. But something woke me up about 1:30. Shouting. It was mom and dad, fighting like they used to. And it got to me. It set me off. I almost went into convulsions. I lay back down and covered my head with my pillow, but I knew from past experience that wasn't going to work. It went on for half an hour, but it seemed like an eternity. And I decided what I had to do. I got out of bed. And fell on my face. My leg was cramped and weak. But I couldn't stand the fighting. I was six years old again and terrified. My heart began to pound, and my breaths became shallow and urgent.

My parents hadn't fought for months. I was used to the quiet. It had been such a peaceful, quiet time, except for the accident. But even that was brightened by the calm in our house. And now it had shattered.

I pulled on a pair of jeans. It was chilly at night now. I pulled on my button shirt, but I didn't try to button it. I didn't think I could get a sweatshirt over my head with my weak arm. I didn't even try socks or shoes.

I pulled myself to my door and opened it. They were in their bedroom, with the door shut. The shouting was so loud it nearly rattled the door. I scooted down the hallway on my butt, to the front door. As quietly as I could I opened it and slid out. I still hadn't stood up, but now I had to. I looked over at Danny's house. I was amazed. The porch light was on, just as it had been for the last nine years. But it seemed like it was a mile away.

I used the wrought iron handrail on the steps to pull myself up, and the cramps started again. Too much exertion. Kent-Satan's-Agent-On-Earth had warned me about this. I tried to flex my leg to work out the cramps. Tears filled my eyes. Then I started to walk. I limped badly, but I worked my way across our yard to the sidewalk. I was half hopping, and I wasn't going to make it. I got across the street and into the yard next to Danny's before I fell. I pushed myself on my butt with my arms and one foot across the cold damp grass, then across the driveway, into the strip of grass between that house and Danny's, and finally to the steps.

For a moment I just sat there to catch my breath. My leg hurt, my heart was racing, I was sweating and freezing at the same time. I had three steps to contend with, a bad leg and a weak but useable arm.

With my right arm, hand and leg, which had become pretty strong during all this time, I got myself up the first step, then the second. I rested a moment, then made the third and sat on the doormat.

The key was always under the doormat. But I hadn't had to use it for so long. What if it wasn't there anymore? Maybe for safety they took it away since I didn't need it. I scootched off the mat and lifted it. There, just where it had always been, lay the key.

I had renewed strength. I pulled myself up, opened the screen door and fit the key into the lock. It turned easily and quietly and I gently pushed the door open, then replaced the key (with difficulty) under the mat.

It was dark inside, but I knew the house like my own. On my butt, I pushed myself through the kitchen and into the family room. There I faced a long, dark hallway. I tried to work my way as quietly as I could down the hallway.

When I got to Danny's door, it was closed. I felt like I was breaking into Danny's home. I'd never come in like this. Usually there was someone up. I slowly stood up and turned the door knob. The door opened quietly, but as it swung open I lost my balance and fell.

"What the fuck..." a sleepy Danny said. I heard him sit up. "Mom? Who's there?"

"It's me, Danny,"



He was out of bed and by my side by the time I got his name out.

"Justin, what's wrong?"

All I could do is begin crying. He helped me up and over to the bed.

"Your parents?"

I nodded.

"Come here, lover," he said. I heard a gasp from behind, and his mother appeared in the doorway.

After a moment's hesitation, she said, "Justin, are you okay?"

I couldn't answer. The two of them got me into bed. Mrs. Shaw sat beside me and wrapped her arms around me.

As good as Danny's arms felt, this was what I needed. I needed a mom. Mine had become distant over the last few weeks. I guess I had noticed it, but had blocked it. I had a lot of other things on my mind, and I guess I didn't want to see what was happening.

She kissed the top of my head and my cheek. She held me rocked me on Danny's bed. I cried and cried into her shoulder as she stroked my hair.

"That's okay, Justin. Just cry, my child," she said. "It'll be okay. Go ahead a cry." And I did until finally the sobs eased.

After a while, they eased me into bed. Danny took my shirt off me. He started to take my jeans off, then thought better of it while his mom was standing there. She kissed me good night and closed the door. Then Danny finished undressing me. And then I undressed him. I thought of it as therapy -- a lot more fun than the Devil's fuck-buddy Kent, but I wasn't thinking much of fun right at that moment. I snuggled next to my naked lover and wrapped my arms around him from behind. I wanted so badly to slide my cock into him and have us cum together. But I couldn't. It wasn't right just then. So I nestled my cock in his crack, pulled him close to me, and snuggled him.

We lay there a while listening to each other breathe, feeling our bodies touch. Then Danny turned his head toward me.

"I've missed you, Justin."

"What do you mean?" I asked. "We've been together a lot."

"No, I mean I've missed you here. Doing this. Laying in my bed. I mean, I know it sounds bad, but I used to pray every night that you'd come into my bed. After the first time, I just waited till the next. I know it meant that your parents are fighting, and I feel bad about that. But I needed you here with me."

I didn't say anything.

"I've really missed this. I was happy your parents weren't fighting, so I didn't say anything. How could I? I knew it meant everything to you, and I was really happy that things were going well. I guess this means they aren't anymore. I'm really sorry, Justin. But I'm really happy you're here."

I kissed the back of his neck. "Thanks, my lover," I said.

We got up extra early the next morning so they could get me home and back into the regular routine. My dad was up and apologized for what happened. Being rested, I was able to take my shower, get dressed, eat breakfast and wait in the car for Dad to take me. I did very well in school that day, walked home, went to PT, did my homework with Danny, solved a real hard problem for him, and went to bed. And slept all night.

The next week, another fight, and another flight to Danny's but this time I walked the whole way, slipped quietly into bed with him and never woke him up.

Within the month I was able to walk fine. I was building up my stamina, and was even starting to jog. My head had healed, my hair covered all the scars of surgery, and I was even making my first ventures into the weight room. Coach Daniels, who was also a history teacher, stopped me in the hall one day and asked to come by after school. I told the guys I couldn't walk home with them. I went to the coach's classroom.

"Come to the gym with me," he said. "I want to try something."

I followed him to the gym. On the way through he locker room he grabbed a baseball and two gloves from the training room. We walked into the gym.

"Stop here," he said, and walked to center court.

I put my glove on, and he threw me the ball. Not hard. Just sort of lobbed it. I missed.

I retrieved the ball, and threw weakly back to him. I hadn't thrown anything since the accident, and didn't have much muscle. He threw again, and I missed again. I was having trouble following the ball. I could see it okay, I just couldn't follow it well.

He tried several more times. I missed each time.

Patiently, Coach Daniels worked with me. He threw, and I caught some. But I missed more than I caught.

Finally the coach motioned toward the bleachers. We went and sat down. Coach Daniels looked all around the gym, then closely inspected the glove in his hand.

"Justin, we are going to win the conference this year, and we have a really good shot at winning state." That was true. The talent on our team was enormous.

"But I don't know if you're going to be ready. I know you've had a tough time, and I know how far you've come. Justin, I really do admire you for how hard you've worked. I've been watching you. You're a good kid. I wish I had two dozen of you. But, Justin, I gotta start getting the team ready.

"I don't know how to say this, Justin, but I can't wait for you to get well. I'm going to keep you on the team, but, well, I don't know if you'll play for us."

Now it was my turn to look around the gym. I was afraid of this. I loved baseball. I loved everything about the game. I loved the strategy. I loved the tension. I loved the grass, the dirt, the base paths, the dugout, the arc of the ball as it screams toward the outfield off the hitter's bat, the motion of the pitcher, the concentration of the catcher. All of it. I loved it.

"Here's the deal, Justin. I'm going to make you assistant coach. I want you to help me get the guys in shape. I think that'll help you, too. But I want you on the bench with me. If we win state, Justin, you're going to be in uniform, too."

Wow. I didn't know what to say. I guess the coach was trying to make up for what he thought was his fault in the accident. It wasn't his fault, but he felt bad.

"I don't mean that you'll be manager. I don't want you lugging equipment around and gathering up wet towels after showers. You'll be assistant coach. I think you can learn a lot about the game. You could be a good coach someday, maybe."

"Thanks, coach. I'd really like to make the team. But if I don't, I'll be there with them."

"Have you started lifting weights again?"

"No, my therapist hasn't had me start those yet."

"Well, I hope you can soon. I'd like to see you back to your old form."

I wasn't going to get back to my old form. He knew that, and I was slowly coming to realize it. The glasses helped me see, but I could no longer coordinate my hands with my eyes to catch a line drive, or a peg from the catcher and swipe a guy out at second. But the coach's offer was really nice.

"If you need anything from me, just ask. Okay, Justin?"

"Sure, coach. And thanks again."

I couldn't wait to tell Danny. My days as a player were over, but I really thought some cool things were going to happen sitting on the bench. The basketball team had begun practice while we were sitting in the bleachers talking. I stayed for a little bit to catch Danny's eye, then went to see if any of the guys had stayed late. They hadn't, and I walked home by myself. Normally I'd be sort of bummed about that. Bored, with no one to talk to. But today it was okay. I was walking home by myself for the first time since the accident. It felt great. I listened to birds. I felt the chill that the fall was bringing. I looked at the trees changing color.

There was one more surprise that day. Kyle went with me to PT. Evil-incarnate Kent put me through all the routines, and I showed him by being damn near perfect on them all. I was sweating by the end, but damn I was proud. I know, you're not supposed to be. I get that message in church. But I'd worked hard. I was proud, dammit. Then Kent called me over to the bench.

"You did good, Justin. That was real good." Great conversationalist.

"Yep," I said. Proudly.

"You've worked hard since you got here. I wish all my patients were like you. Most of them don't try anymore. In fact, most of them think I'm Satan himself."

I tried to look at him normally, but I was horrified. He knew what I was thinking.

"I don't know what you thought of me, but you came here and worked. That's all that mattered. I know it was tough. But you did it. We've been working toward this day, Justin. You're going to walk out to your car without a limp. You can get dishes from the cupboard without being afraid of dropping them. You can carry groceries in from the car. You can carry your books home from school. You can go to the dances and dance. With a little more work, you'll be able to throw a baseball hard. You'll have a normal life.

"You can start using more weights now. Be smart about it. Start slow. Always have a spotter. I bet these guys that have been coming here with you will help with that. Where's that one -- Danny? I haven't seen him lately. You guys have a fight?"

I laughed. "No, he's on the basketball team and they started practice."

"Oh. Good. I like him. I like all of them. That's a great group of friends you have, Justin. Don't ever lose them."

"No, I won't. We've all grown up together."

He was writing on my chart, which usually meant a new routine harder than the last.

"Well, that's it, Justin. You're done. I've brought you as far as I can. This is your last day."

And I looked at Kent for a moment, and I saw who he really was. I'd come up with all these horrible ideas about him. He'd caused me pain, he'd worked me beyond my capacity. He'd badgered me and goaded me and even yelled at me sometimes. I'd hated him. I had done things just to prove I could and get him to shut up. Only a few times had he encouraged me or told me I'd done good. He had been relentless.

I had fallen into the perfectly laid trap he set for me. I had recovered from the accident. I had been too blind from anger to see it. I was well again. I was almost normal. Without Kent, I wouldn't have been. He knew the muscles to exercise. He knew the routines that would exercise them. He knew motivation. He was a genius. Right here in our little town was a genius. He had put me back together again.

How could I have thought that about him?

He smiled at me. "Actually, I do know what you were thinking all those days. They told us about that in school."

"Yeah, well, um, thanks, Kent. I really do appreciate what you've done for me. I know I didn't usually sound like it. I didn't realize until just now what you were doing. And yes, I did hate you. But I don't. Honest I don't."

"That's all right, Justin. You're my star pupil." We shook hands as Kyle walked over.

"And you," he said to Kyle. "Tell the others that I really admire you guys for sticking with this lugnut. You probably shortened his rehab time by a couple of months."

"Really? Then it was worth it."

We shook hands with Kent again, and turned to go. But I stopped, turned around, went back, and hugged Kent as hard as I could. He put his arms around me, too and whispered in my ear, "Thanks." Then I walked out of that hospital for the last time.

"Wow. This calls for a celebration, Justin," Kyle said as we started for home.

"I wonder if Becky would do something at the farm Saturday?"

"I dunno. It's pretty busy there with harvesting and all."

"Aren't they done yet?"

Nope," Kyle said. "I've been going out to help. Her brother Jeff taught me how to drive a tractor. I've spent a couple of Saturdays there helping out."

"So that's where you've been. This is getting serious."

"Yeah, sort of. She's the neatest girl. And her family's really cool."

"Yeah. I know."

"Sure you do. You used to date her."

"Kyle, we never dated. We were good friends."

"Okay, okay. So if Becky can't have a party, where?"

"Your place."

He laughed. "Yeah, okay. I'll ask mom."

That was it. Kyle's mom was great. She loved having kids around. It was as good as done.

By the time we got home, Danny was back from practice. Instead of going into my house and telling mom that I was done with therapy I went straight to Danny's. The whole family was in the kitchen getting ready for dinner. Danny was barefoot in sweat pants and a T-shirt, rummaging around in the fridge for something. Charlie was pouring milk, Mr. Shaw was setting the table and Mrs. Shaw was putting food on the table.

"Hi, Justin," Mr. Shaw said. "You staying for dinner?"

Everyone turned around and looked at me. Danny had the biggest smile on his face.

"No, not tonight. I gotta get home. I just wanted to tell you the good news and the sort of-bad-but-okay news."

"What's that?" Danny asked, coming over to me. He guided me to a chair and sat down beside me.

"Well, this was my last day of physical therapy."

Cheers all around, and Danny gave me a hug. Then Charlie did, too.

"Yep. Kent said I've gone as far as he can take me." Danny was beaming. "Now I can start on weights and a regular, normal exercise routine."

They asked me questions (like why I didn't call Kent some evil name) and I answered them as best I could. I told them to go ahead and eat while the food was hot, but the conversation continued while they did.

After about five minutes, Danny put a forkful of broccoli in his mouth, then said, "You faid thewe waf fome bad newf. Whot if it?"

"Don't talk with your mouth full, Daniel," Mrs. Shaw said.

"Forry" he said, mouth still full, which got him a glare from his mom.

"Well, it's not bad news. I said it was sort of-bad-but-okay news." I told them about trying to play catch with Coach Daniels and failing miserably.

"Yeah, but with some work you could be okay," Danny said forcefully.

"I COULD be okay, but I might not. And I don't know if I can be. I don't know if I'll see the ball well enough. I don't know if the accident has slowed my reflexes. Kent says it probably has, and I probably won't get them back. And besides, the coach didn't say it, but the biggest problem might be inside my head. The next time someone cracks a line drive at short stop, will I catch the ball or will I flinch? I don't think I want to find out."

I finished telling them about the rest of the conversation, about being an assistant coach and all. They were really happy for me. I just basked in the camaraderie of their family. It was probably the most normal household among the five of us. So I stayed a little longer. The conversation turned to some other things.

"I've gotta go to California in a couple of weeks," Mr. Shaw announced.

"Why?" Mrs. Shaw asked.

"Oh, the bank has bought a chain of banks out there and they want me to go out to look over the books."

I wasn't sure what Mr. Shaw did exactly, but I knew he worked for a bank. He wasn't president or anything; our neighborhood wasn't THAT great.

"They've never asked you to anything like that before," Mrs. Shaw said.

"Yeah, but Bill is tied up with another project. So Art asked me if I'd mind. I guess this chain of banks has been struggling. It's mostly in the agricultural area of California, based in San Luis Obispo. He wants me to go see if I can spot any trouble."

"Cool, dad, can I come along?" Charlie asked.

"Not this time, slugger," Mr. Shaw said with a laugh. "If I've got to go again sometime when school's out you can."

"When do you go, dad?" Danny asked.

"Two weeks from today."

I knew I had to get home to tell my folks the good news. But I wanted to stay here. I wanted to be part of this family. A permanent part. But I got up, said goodbye, and headed home.

My folks were just as glad as the Shaws were to hear my news. Mom made a fuss about not being able to play baseball, and dad looked sad.

"I'm really sorry, Justin," he said. "I wish I had some sort of dad powers so I could wave a magic wand and make you better -- just like you were."

"Yeah, so do I." We ate in an awkward silence. They were fighting again, and they knew that I knew it. The truce had failed, and the thing was that I didn't know why it had failed. I was afraid it was me. They'd been doing pretty well up until I got hurt. It even held during that time. Now that I was getting better, the fighting had started.

The rest of the week was pretty normal. Becky's folks wouldn't let her have another party on the farm, but Kyle's mom said we could all come over Saturday night. We started inviting people over, but had to be careful it wasn't too many.

Friday I got to lunch first, and Becky sat down beside me. The others were late.

"How's your day going?" she asked.

"Fine. Yours?" I said through a tuna salad sandwich.

"Fine, too."

What a rotten conversation.

"Becky, whatcha doin' after school?"

Am I good or what?

"Well, actually, I was going to ask if I could come over to your house. I'm not going to take the bus home cuz mom and dad are coming into town, so I thought I'd just hang out. Is that all right?"

"Yeah. That's great. We haven't really had a chance to talk. I'm not going to lift tonight, so I'll walk home with you."

About that time Danny walked in, followed by Kyle. We sort of shot the breeze during lunch, talking about tomorrow night's party.

After school, Kyle had some stuff to do right away and Danny had basketball practice, so Becky, Greg and I walked home. Greg didn't have play practice that night until after dinner.

"Where's Richie?" I asked.

"He went home sick," Greg said.

"He did? When? He looked okay this morning."

"Right after lunch. He puked his guts up in the bathroom."


"I hope he gets better before the party," I said. "It wouldn't be the same without him."

We walked in silence a moment. Then Greg speeded up and got in front of me, turned around and walked backward facing me.

"No, it wouldn't be the same. He's coming because of you, you know."

"What's that mean?"

"It means if it weren't for you he'd be strung out somewhere with his druggie friends tomorrow night."

"No he wouldn't. Richie went through a bad spot. He wouldn't have stayed that way. He'd have seen what he was doing and stopped. Jeez, stop with that stuff."

"Well, I know what I know."

"Then ya don't know nothin," I said. Greg took off running, and I took off after him, running hard. And I caught him. And I tackled him. And I tickled him. And we laughed.

Becky came up by us with a smile on her face.

"What?" I asked.

"You caught him," she said.

"So? He's not the fastest person on earth."

"Two months ago you couldn't catch a turtle."

We stopped to think a moment.

"Yeah, I guess."

The rest of the walk was just goofy. We talked about school, people, the weather, the harvest (when you grow up in a small Midwestern town you learn a lot about farming) and other stuff. Greg said good-bye at his house, and Becky and I walked to mine. Mom wasn't home, so I got us some Cokes and cookies and we went to the back yard.

"Tell me again why we broke up," Becky said.

"Are you kidding? We didn't break up."

"We didn't? Then why aren't we still together?"

"Well, for two reasons. One, we were never together. And two, we both got boy friends."

"We were never together?"

"Well, no. We went to a couple of movies, but we never dated."

Becky took a sip of her Coke. "Maybe you didn't."

"What does that mean?"

"Justin Reynolds, you are the densest person on Earth sometimes."

"What ARE you talking about?"

"Justin, I sooo wanted to date you. I DID date you. Maybe you went to movies with me, but I was on a date with you. Jeez, I don't believe you. I had such a crush on you."

I blushed. "Really? I didn't know that. I thought we were friends."

She looked at me seriously. "Well, not to me. In my mind we were lovers."

"We didn't do anything like that."

She just sighed. "I know."

"Becky! Are you..."

She cut me off. "NO. No, that's not what I meant. I just meant that Danny's a really lucky boy. I mean, you're pretty lucky to have him, but you're a jewel, Justin."

"Stop it. I don't need to hear things like that. Does that mean you wish we were together still?"

"Don't get me wrong. I really like Kyle. He's sooo good to me. My family loves him. And I think he's great. Fun, nice, sweet. Almost everything you are."


"I don't know, Justin. There's just something about you. You're so caring, so understanding. There's more to you than any other guy I know."

"So you didn't answer my question. Do you mean you wish we were together?"

"I remember I told you one day that I could love you easily. I do love you, Justin. I think I love Kyle, too, but I know I love you. I mean, I know we can't do anything about that. I can't break up with Kyle knowing that you're in love with Danny and not me. And I love you too much to ask you to break up with Danny. And I'd never do that to Danny."

"I don't know what to say, Becky. That's pretty powerful. I've always loved you as a friend. Just, not the same way as Danny. Besides, I'm feeling sort of funny about me and Danny."


"Well, sort of, yeah."

"Like you want to break up with him? Like you're really not gay?"

"No, I don't want to break up with him. He's the best thing in my life right now. And I still don't know if I'm gay. I mean, I like Danny. No other boy -- just Danny."

"So what's the problem?"

"It's all one-sided. I mean, he's doing all the work. He's taking care of me. He's making all the effort. And when we make . . . I mean, I'm always . . .he hasn't ever . . .Oh, jeez, I can't tell you this stuff. But trust me, he's doing all the work."

What I couldn't tell Becky is that I was always the one who fucked Danny. He'd never even asked to fuck me. He always lubed up my cock and had me get his hole ready, then I'd enter him. I'd cum soo many times in his butt it should be making it's own lube by now. Or at least keeping a store of mine in there. But I'd never offered to let him do it to me. It was never really a topic. When it came to that point, he always acted first. It wasn't like he was going to split me open. We were both about the same size -- still stuck on about five inches.

It had never really bothered me. I loved the feeling of being inside of him -- shooting my cum into him. But lately I began wondering about it. I wanted to feel it, too. I wanted to know what it was like. I needed to feel my lover inside of me. It was the deepest form of love. But I didn't know how to go about telling him.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Becky said. "And I don't think I want to know. But if something's bothering you, tell him. I know Danny. It won't bother him. You can tell him."

"I don't think I can."

"Then you don't trust him," she shot back. "If you love him and trust him, you can tell him anything. Even if it hurts his feelings, if it's for the best, you gotta tell him. You've got to trust him to understand."

"Maybe I don't trust myself."

"Then it's even more important that you trust Danny. If you trust him he'll take care of your insecurities too. Isn't that what you've done for each other all these months? You've taken care of each others' needs. I've watched you. Danny's insecure, too, you know. He leans on you as hard as you lean on him."

"No he doesn't."

"Yes, he does. You just don't feel it because you love him and you expect him too. He's not a burden, and you aren't either. Just tell him."

"Just tell him?"

"Yep. Just tell him."

We chatted a little until her folks came for her. They asked if I'd like to join them for pizza, and mom said I could go. They'd been working hard on harvest and decided to have a night on the town. After dinner they dropped me off and picked up Kyle to go to the movies.

Danny came over that night. Mom said he could stay over night, and I asked if we could sleep in the basement because we wanted to watch movies down there. She said sure, and we even went to rent a movie. The Guns of Navaronne. I didn't want to watch movies at all.

I wanted to make love.

And we did. We put the movie in for noise. We even watched a half hour or so, sitting side by side on the pull-out bed, which we had pulled out. We hadn't taken our clothes off, just our shoes.

Both of us were on edge that night. We hadn't really had a proper time together lately. I leaned my head on his shoulder and put my arms around him. I drank in his aroma -- after-practice school shower soap. Sort of a grape-mint. You know the smell. But that was just sort of in the background. Mostly the smell was Danny. Slightly musky, very sensuous. I think he gave off fierce pheromones, but I didn't know about those then. Actually, I don't know a lot about them now. All I know is that when I was near Danny like this, when I breathed his essence, I was almost drunk with passion. It excited every cell in my body. I buried my nose in the crook of his neck, then I licked him there.

He giggled a little, which surprised me, because Danny isn't ticklish. He turned his head toward me, and we kissed. Just a small one. Then again. And again and again and again. Then they got a little longer. More insistent. Still a series of kisses, each one slightly firmer, just a smidge longer. He grabbed my head and ran his fingers through my hair, stroking me as the kisses went from short to long. Then our mouths opened, and for the first time that night, our tongues met. I began to raise myself and force Danny down onto the his back, kissing him as he pulled me along. We were panting through our noses, tongues straining against each other.

Now and then one of us would give way. My tongue darted into Danny's mouth when he let me. I explored the familiar territory, then let him into mine. Our breathing became heavier, and Danny moaned into me. Overwhelmed, I pulled back and went for his right ear. I nibbled a bit it and Danny held me against him. I kissed under his ear and down his jaw line to the soft part of his throat. I kissed all through that part, down to his Adam's apple, to the collar of his sweatshirt. Then back up toward the left ear. Danny was squirming, and our cocks, long since steely, ground against each other.

The soft part of Danny's throat was always a turn-on for me. I kissed down to the left side and gently sucked. I didn't want to give him a love bite, but I wanted to taste him there. I drew him gently into my mouth and licked. He shuddered. I stopped sucking but kept licking, and made my way over to the right side. I did the same thing there, lingering several minutes. By that time all he could do was moan in my ear.

My hands were busy rubbing his body. Up and down his ribs, now and then to his butt, then back up, through his unruly dark hair. I moved back to his mouth, and the passion increased another notch. Danny was squirming under me, and I knew I had to move off him or we'd cum in our pants. But his arms held me still as I tried to move, and he thrust his cock up harder against mine.

I managed to wriggle off him, and he tried to work his way under me again. Locked onto his mouth, I moved my fingers down to his shirt tail and began to pull up. I worked my hands under the shirt and found his nipples. It damn near sent him into orbit. As soon as I touched them he arched his back in pleasure and almost threw us off the bed. I rubbed and pinched his little brown nipples until they were hard. He was breathing hard, and so was I. But I was in control. Danny was beyond that.

I scruffed up his shirt then went back to his nipples. I kissed and kissed him, then broke to lift the shirt over his head. Before he could bring his arms down, I attacked his arm pits. The soap smell mingled with his boy smell, and he had sweated just enough to chase away the soapy taste. This was Danny, the essence of him. When I kissed him I tasted whatever he had eaten last. But this was 100 percent Danny. I kissed and nuzzled under his left arm, lapping up everything I could get. I kissed across the top part of his chest, reaching up to his throat again, and worked my way over to the right. He had draped his right arm around me, but as I got close to the crease he raised his arm and gave me access.

Again I buried my face in him, tickling the few hairs that grew there, getting every bit of Danny I could. I licked down his arm to the crook of his elbow and sucked there at that tender spot. Then I kissed my way to his fingers. I sucked each one into my mouth as if it were a tiny penis. I lightly bit and scraped each one, then sucked a licked around the finger nail. I licked across his palm, and then laid his hand back at his side. Still kissing, I went across his belly and stopped at the adorable innie. I kissed and licked, and sucked it into my mouth, letting go with a POP. I licked over to his left hand, and began making love to each of his fingers again.

I raised my head to see Danny with his eyes closed, a look of bliss on his face. He was moaning softly, turning his head from side to side. He was helpless. I didn't want to break the spell, so I went back to work. I licked up to his left elbow, completing my circuit, then trailed my tongue across to his left nipple, still erect from the teasing my forefinger and thumb had given it. I kissed all around it, not touching it. I just made a wet trail around and around it and I could feel Danny trying to scootch over so I'd take the nipple in my mouth. I resisted, and just kissed all around. My fingers were lightly stroking up and down his rib cage. His moans increased in pitch almost to a whimper. I slid my tongue across to his other nipple and did the same thing. My hands stroked slowly lower. I breathed on his nipple, then blew gently. The saliva all around it evaporated, causing his nipple to stiffen even more. It pointed up at me. I stuck my tongue out as far as I could, and then lightly, with just the whisper of a stroke, gently touched my tongue to the center of its hardness. Danny arched his back like I thought he would, and I quickly pulled away so he couldn't force the nipple into my mouth. I licked down his ribs.

My hands worked at the belt, button and zipper of his jeans, and I slowly pulled them open. His hard five and a half inches was pointing straight toward his belly button. I could see it through his white briefs. Again he arched his back, hoping I'd relieve the tension by taking him in my mouth and sucking him dry. But I didn't. I wanted him right at the edge. I wanted to have him completely helpless. I took the waist of his jeans in my hands, got between his legs, and started to pull them down over his thighs, then his knees. He lifted his feet so I could finish the job.

Then I took the top of his white tube sock on his left foot and pulled it down to his heel. I kissed around his bare ankle. Then I slid the sock off his heel, and kissed there. I let my tongue follow the sock up his foot, past the baby-soft arch, over the sweet, delicious ball, and ran it along the base of his juicy toes. He had moved his hand to his cock, and was massaging it though the white cotton of his briefs. His precum and formed a wet spot and I could see the head clearly through it.

I thoroughly soaked the underside of his foot, kissing and licking all up and down. I took his pinkie toe gently into my mouth and made love to it, while one hand held his heel and the other stroked up and down the sole. I kissed and licked the little toe, and sucked so softly on it. I licked in between it and the next toe, and swirled my tongue all around it. I popped it out of my mouth, then back in, then let my lips trail over it as it slid back out.

I did the same to the next toe, then took them both in my mouth and repeated the same thing. Now and then I trailed one hand to his crotch and teased his balls, then went back to caressing his sole. The middle toe was next, and I loved it as much as the other two. I took all three into my mouth, running my tongue along each of them, then in between. I spent a lot of time on the toe next to his big toe. It was plump, but also longer than all the others except the big toe. I could bob up and down a little on it.

Then his big toe. As far as I was concerned, it was an extra penis. I played with it just like I played with his cock. My tongue did to him what I did to his cock head every chance I got. If it had had a cum slit, I would have ended up with a mouth full of Danny cream. And he knew what I was doing, because he kept thrusting his cock into the air.

I was afraid he was going to get himself off, so I moved his hand off his cock. Then I went back to work, this time on his right foot. The sock, with my tongue playing on the heel and underside of his sweet foot. The soft arch, firm, succulent ball, along the base of the toes, and then the pinkie. Swish, swirl, slurp, slurp. The next one. Both together. Nibble, nibble. The middle toe. Chew, slurp. The next one -- bobbing, salivating. And his big toe. Make him cum though it.

Not only was Danny on edge, so was I. His feet were such a turn-on for me I couldn't stand it. I wanted to cum sooo badly. But I was on a mission. I glanced at the clock. I'd been making love to him for 30 minutes. And I wasn't done. I slipped off my shirt and took both of his big toes in my mouth. Then I rubbed them against my own nipples. When the saliva dried, I ran the length of each foot over each nipple.

I quietly and quickly shed my clothes so I was naked. Danny's eyes were closed. His fingers played with his nipples. I reached beside the bed to a bag I had brought down with me. In it was a tube of lubricating gel I had learned about on the Internet. I'd asked one of the seniors on the baseball team to pick it up for me at the drug store. I knew he was regularly banging the babes, and he wouldn't attract suspicion. He didn't ask questions, and had it for me the next day.

Danny was in his own world and didn't see any of this. I got back between his legs and lowered his briefs, now pretty well soaked from his precum. I didn't immediately take his cock in my mouth. I gently sucked his balls into my mouth and licked them. I loved them. Fragile, not too heavy, not too large. Perfect proportion to his cock. I licked up the crease on each side, then back down toward his ass hole. This was fairly standard when we fucked. I loved his butt. I licked to his pink pucker, and kissed gently. He knew what I was building to. I licked up to his balls and back down, wetting area completely. Then I stabbed at his hole. He was breathing so hard it was almost panting.

I lapped and stabbed and ate at him as long as I could stand it. Licking my way back up, I slid my tongue the length of the underside of his cock, then took the head in my mouth as I eased a finger into his hole. I found his prostate and teased it, careful not to make him cum. Which wasn't easy, because he was right on the edge. I backed off the prostate, but kept my finger in him while I let go of his cock. I slipped open the lid of the tube and squeezed some out onto my fingers, then put my finger back inside him. Then I found my own hole, and applied the cool liquid to it. I worked in a finger, and then another. I couldn't take too long or Danny would notice. It feel weird. Danny had had his fingers there before, but he'd always stopped there. He'd never entered me.

I squeezed out some more, put my finger back into him, and surprised him all to hell. I applied the gel to his cock. Smearing it all over. His eyes snapped open and he stared at him with his mouth open.


"Shhhh. Tonight it's your turn."

He watched me as I raised myself and got in position over him. I held his cock, and moved it to the entrance of my butt. Then I slowly sank onto it. But I couldn't find the right angle. Danny reached up to me, hooked his arm around my neck, and pulled me toward him. After a long, wet kiss he whispered, "Are you sure?"

I stared into the depths of his eyes. They burned with passion. I wanted this, but that wasn't the point. He wanted it. I could see it. He had been denied it ever since we'd started making love. I nodded.

"Let me," he said.

He crawled from under me, then, with soft hands, guided me slowly onto my back. My knees were raised, my heels almost touching my butt. He wriggled a finger into my slick hole and moved it around. It wasn't any worse than I'd done to myself, but he was so gentle about it. He patiently moved in and out of me. With a tiny grin, the scraped my prostate once, twice, then just applied a gentle pressure. That's all. I would have cum with any more. As it was, I arched my back and tried desperately to keep my cum in check. Then, when I was relaxed, he added a second finger. Again with patience, he prepared me for himself. At some level I knew how hard this was for him, because I knew how hard he was. I'd left him on the verge of shooting his wad. And now here he was, making sure I wasn't going to get hurt.

The third finger was uncomfortable. I tried not to show it. He just held his hand steady, not moving. He was watching my face intently. He must have seen me relax, because he moved his fingers back and forth, in and out. He leaned down to kiss my knee firmly so I wouldn't go all ticklish. He was the gentlest, most considerate lover god ever put on this earth.

He applied just a dab more lube to his cock, because he had taken so long preparing me that it began to get dry. Then he positioned himself between my legs. He lifted my left foot to his mouth and planted a kiss in the middle of the sole, then laid it on his shoulder. He lifted my right foot to his mouth and planted a kiss in the middle of the sole, then laid it on his other shoulder. He positioned his perfect cock at the entrance, and applied just a tiny bit of pressure.

"Ready?" he asked. I nodded. "I will never hurt you, my love."

Then he pushed ever so slowly. But his fingers had done their work well. He began to open me up, and it felt exquisite. There was pressure as more of his cock head forced into me, but not pain. His cock wasn't huge, either in length or girth, and he gently slid the head into my ass. Then he relaxed as soon as the corona had been swallowed into me. Almost imperceptibly he raised his eyebrows in a question, and just as softly I nodded my head.

He gently pushed again, and his cock began sliding into me. How did he control himself? After all my teasing and all the anticipation, how did he keep from slamming into me and pounding my butt to a pulp so he could finally unload his wad of jism into me? How could he take so long to get his five and a half inches in? His eyes held the answer to all those questions: Love. It was honest to god, eternal, deep love. The love that is caring, kind, gentle, not jealous. He stared at me as he slid in, calming me with this message of love.

And then I felt his pubes on my butt and he was in. But instead of pulling out and beginning the climb toward the climax, he leaned down and kissed me full on the lips, and slipped his tongue into my mouth. Then I remembered I hadn't breathed, and as he broke the kiss I exhaled. A small smile spread across his face, and then leaned over further to lick each of my nipples.

Slowly he withdrew, till just the head was inside. And he pushed back in.

"You are incredible," he whispered, almost reverently. Just what I was thinking about him. "I didn't know it would feel soo good."

I didn't either. I had been scared to let him in. He was always willing to let me fuck him, and we both spent ourselves in our lovemaking. I never, ever left him unsatisfied. I would do anything to make him cum as hard as he possibly could. But I had never let him into me. It had been a defense: wear him out before he could fuck me. But I'd had my share of him. Not once, never, ever, did he complain, or even ask. There is a place in Lover's Heaven for Danny.

He started a rhythm, but he was also moving around a bit. Then his cock scraped my prostate and I lunged into him. He smiled, pleased that he had found the spot. His rhythm picked up, and he closed his eyes, caught up in the spirituality of the moment. He was lost in the lovemaking, and, just as I did when I fucked him, he began to lose control. His thrusts became harder. The assault on my young prostate was merciless, and I knew I would come before him.

He was still gentle, but there was an insistence to his thrusts now. He grabbed my legs for leverage and picked up the pace. Eyes closed, he pistoned in and out, reaching toward that moment of ultimate pleasure. Each thrust stimulated me, and I reached my pinnacle. With every fiber of my being, I did not make a sound as the cum bubbled out of my balls and shot out of my cock, across my chest, onto my chin and finally into my belly button. I didn't want to break the spell for Danny. But as I came my ass hole tightened.

The most sublime look of extacy burst onto Danny's face. With a grimace, then a smile, he pulled out so that the tip only was in me, then pounded deep into me. A groan of pure pleasure rumbled out of his throat, and his body shook as spurt after spurt of his being was shot into my soul.

He came forever. He had a smile on his face that would have lighted the country side. And then he collapsed on top of me, kissing me, forcing his tongue into me. We hadn't said five sentences to each other in our passion, but we had said everything.

Danny lay there, on top of me, and fell asleep. It was perfect. Glued together by my cum, his cock in me till it shrank and slipped out. I pulled covers over us. I was exhausted, and I knew I would fall asleep. But even if I didn't because of Danny's weight on me, I wouldn't complain. My lover and I were one, and this was the only place I wanted the two of us to be right then.

But it doesn't last forever. I didn't sleep much that night, and I loved every minute of it. The next morning, we made slow, sleepy love. I lost myself in him again, and fired my cum deep inside him. As we lay there afterward, I had to ask.

"How come we've never done that before?"

"We've done that a bunch of times."

"No, I mean with you in me. Like last night. Why didn't you ever ask?"

"I couldn't, Justin. I couldn't ask. I was soo afraid it would hurt you. I wanted to be sure you were ready." He started to choke on his words.

"What's the matter?"

"I should have know a long time ago you were ready. I saw how much you enjoyed that last night, and I feel guilty. I've been denying you that pleasure. I was soo selfish."

"Oh, Danny. No. Don't ever think that. Everything you've done for me has been what you thought best. I never offered. I'm the one who was selfish. Ssshhhh, my lover. You are the best person in my life." I pulled his head down to lay on shoulder. After a few moments, I heard his breathing become deeper and I knew he was asleep. I wanted that moment to last forever.

Well, that wasn't written in one night. God I put Danny through hell. I realize that now. What made me do it? Is that what she wants me to find out? I don't think that's it. There's something else she's leading me toward -- or making me lead myself toward.

I'm too tired to think of that now.

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