My Best Friend is Gay

by Victor Thomas

Chapter 9

"Philip and Steve, can you guys do me a favor and help Wayne carry in some equipment? There is a box that is too heavy for him and I have a doctor's appointment," Coach Barrett asked as he entered the locker room with our team manager.

"Sure," we both said.

Steve and I finished dressing and then departed with Wayne as the locker room began to clear out. Spencer had already taken off. He had been leaving quickly after practice the last few days. I wondered if a girl was the reason, but he would probably have told me if that was it.

"You can't handle that by yourself?" I asked, looking at the wooden box that sat by the side of the field. It was about a yard square.

"You try it," Wayne said.

Steve stood back as I did.

"Shit, what's in this?" I asked as I tried and failed.

Wayne moved aside some of the footballs on top to reveal shot-put balls and a few discuses.

"Those track bastards," I growled.

Steve laughed. "Come on."

The three of us leaned down and then lifted together. The box was freaking heavy, but no trouble for our combined strength.

"This box has to weigh two hundred pounds," I said.

"Yeah, and you wanted me to carry it by myself," Wayne said.

"I'm a slacker," I said. "What can I say?"

"He is," Steve said.

"Hey!"

We carried the box into the field house and then entered the hallway to the locker room. To the left was the supply and laundry room, where all the sports equipment was stored and where the team managers washed all the towels and wash cloths used by the athletes. The fun never ended for those guys.

We carried the box into the supply room and nearly dropped it on our feet when we spotted Spencer and Troy back by the washing machines. My mouth dropped open.

Shit!" Wayne shouted.

Spencer quickly stood. His eyes were wide with terror. I couldn't believe it. My best friend had just been on his knees sucking Troy's dick.

"Spencer," I began, but he shoved past us, almost causing us to drop the box.

He was gone in an instant.

We sat the box down and looked at Troy. He swallowed hard, but didn't look nearly as frightened as Spencer had.

"Don't tell anyone, okay," Troy said. "I don't care if you talk about me. Everyone talks about me anyway, but don't say anything about Spencer. Please?"

"What you guys do is your business," Steve said.

"Well…" Wayne said with a wicked grin.

I grabbed him by the throat.

"You fucking tell anyone and I'll kill you!" I warned.

"Whoa! Calm down, Philip," Steve said.

I released Wayne, but glared at him. I wanted to punch him in the face.

"Dude, chill. I won't tell anyone. You don't have to go psycho on me," Wayne said.

"Just make sure you don't," I warned him.

"Thank you," Troy said, and hastily retreated.

I glared at Wayne again.

"Philip, seriously," he pleaded. "I won't tell anyone. I wouldn't do that. I was just messing with Troy a little."

I calmed down, but I was near tears, which was not like me.

"I don't understand this," I said. "Spencer… we always talk about girls. He's not gay, but…"

"Come on," Steve said. "Let's have a talk. See you later, Wayne."

"Yeah, later," Wayne said.

Steve led me outside where we sat on the grass by the side of the building.

""I take it you didn't know about Spencer," Steve said.

"No," I answered. "Did you?"

He shook his head.

"Listen, Philip, I know this is a big shock, but if you're really his friend you'll try to understand."

"I can't believe he was…" I started to say. "I've known Spencer since we were kids. I never once thought… I know he's done stuff with girls."

"Maybe he's bi," he said, "or maybe he hooks up with girls to hide the truth."

"Man, I cannot believe he's a fa… sorry," I said.

"Think before you act, Philip," he said. "I know you may be angry with him right now. I know you don't understand, but remember that Spencer is your best friend. He needs you. How you handle this will determine the fate of your friendship. I know you guys are close. You wouldn't have grabbed Wayne by the throat and threatened him if you weren't. Don't do anything rash."

"Why didn't he trust me enough to tell me?" I asked.

"He was probably afraid of losing you," he said. "It's not a matter of trust. It's a matter of fear."

"He's been lying to me all these years," I said. "He's been pretending to be something he isn't. I'm not even sure I know him."

"You know him," he said. "Everything he has done; he's done to hide. He's scared, Philip. Being out isn't easy, even for me. Some guys are so terrified of coming out they'll do anything to keep from being found out."

"I thought it was easy for you," I said.

"It's easy now, but it hasn't always been," he said. "I did things to hide that I'm ashamed of now. It's not easy for any of us because the world is filled with bigots. Please, think before you act, but act quickly. Right now, Spencer is scared. He may think he's lost you as a friend. He probably thinks the entire school will know about him by tomorrow morning. I don't know if he can handle that. You know him better than I do. He may be in danger, Philip."

"You mean like… try to kill himself?" I asked, getting more scared by the second.

He nodded.

"He may get through this okay, but he may not," he said. "He needs you right now."

I didn't realize it until then, but tears were flowing down my cheeks. I stood quickly.

"I've got to find him" I said. "Thank you, Steve."

I sprinted to the parking lot. Spencer's car had been parked beside mine, but it was gone. I jumped in my car and started it up.

"You're upset, Spencer. Where will you go?" I asked out loud.

It wasn't easy to think. I was upset and frightened for him. I wasn't sure what I thought about him being gay, but that didn't matter right now. Spencer was like a brother. I had to find him.

The mountain. That is where he would go. I tore out of the parking lot and raced toward the cemetery. I felt like it took forever to get there, but it couldn't have been more than five minutes.

I relaxed a bit when I spotted his car parked along the side of the old road that ran along the back of the cemetery. I pulled in behind him. His car was empty, as I knew it would be. I walked past it and on up the abandoned road.

The mountain was an enormous boulder, no doubt transported and left here by the glaciers that once covered a large part of North America in ice. It was about eight feet in every direction. Spencer and I had 'discovered' it when we were maybe eight. Back then, it seemed like a mountain to us, and also very remote, although it was not half a mile from the cemetery.

I followed the old road, which was soon nothing but an overgrown track. Before long, I had climbed up the bank on the right side to avoid the marshy earth.

Spencer and I spent a lot of time at the mountain when we were boys. We had even camped there. I also knew that he went there when he was upset or needed to think.

I spotted him as I drew near. He was sitting on top of the boulder, still in his football jersey, a big number 7 on his back, gazing out toward the ruined stone chimney that was all that was left of a cabin that had once been home to someone long, long ago.

I climbed up the side of the boulder, which was an easy task now, but had seemed like true mountain climbing when I was a kid. The mountain seemed to grow smaller as the years passed, but it was I who was growing bigger. Lots of things that once seemed large were now small.

"Hey," I said, sitting down beside him.

"Hey," he said, quietly as he tried to stop his quiet sobs.

"It's okay. There is a lot I don't understand, but you're still my best friend," I said. He quickly looked toward me. "You could have told me, you know."

"I was afraid that…" he began crying harder.

I scooted closer and put my arm around him.

"You were afraid that you would lose me as a friend," I said. He nodded. "Right after you left, Steve took me outside and talked to me. He explained what you've probably been going through and what it's like for you. I can't truly understand because I'm not gay, but I can understand a lot of it. You don't have to be afraid. I'm not going anywhere."

He hugged me and cried on my shoulder. I held him.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"It's okay," I said. "I understand."

I held him for a good long time while he cried. My best friend had a lot of pain inside that I never suspected was there. In a way, I guess I didn't know him, and yet I did. I hated that he felt he had to hide a part of himself from me, and I knew that at least part of it was my fault. How many times had I made jokes about gays, never dreaming that he liked boys?

After a while, he stopped crying and sat back.

"Are you gay or do you like girls too?" I asked.

"I'm gay," he said.

"So, you didn't really hook up with any of the girls you told the guys and me about?" I asked.

"No," he said. "I hooked up with them. I just didn't enjoy it as much as I let on. You're so crazy about girls that I thought I could make myself like it. I couldn't."

So, he hadn't actually lied to me. I was glad, and yet I would have forgiven him if he had.

"Spencer, I'm sorry for everything I've said that made you feel that it wasn't safe to tell me," I told him. "I'm sorry for everything I said that made you uncomfortable."

"I know what you think of gay guys," he said.

"I won't lie to you," I said. "I've never understood guys having sex with guys. Most of what I've said was just talking shit, but not all of it. The bottom line is that you're my best friend. I love you and if you're into guys than okay. That's the way it is."

He looked at me and smiled.

"I'm sure it is hard for you to understand why guys are into guys. You're so girl crazy it's probably beyond your imagination," he said.

"I'm willing to try to understand," I said. "You can give me a homo appreciation course."

He grinned.

"You're going to give me a hard time about this, aren't you?" he asked.

"Are you kidding?" I said. "Of course, I am! This is a freaking gold mine. I can probably come up with five taking it up the ass insults off the top of my head."

"I hate to disappoint you, but I haven't done that yet," he said.

"What?" I said. "I thought all you homos love it up the butt."

"Ha. Ha."

"Listen, no one will know about Troy and you," I said. "Steve won't tell anyone, and I won't. Wayne will keep his mouth shut. He knows I'll kick his ass if he doesn't."

"You threatened him?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said. "Right after you ran out, I grabbed him by the throat and threatened him. Steve had to calm me down." He smiled. "Troy won't tell. He begged us not to tell anyone about you. He said he doesn't care what we say about him, but not to tell anyone about you. He must be a good guy."

"Yeah, he is."

"Are you sure you want to hang out with him?" I asked. "He has quite a reputation."

"We don't actually hang out," he said. "We only hookup, at least so far."

"He is really slutty, though, isn't he?" I asked.

"Don't believe all the rumors," he said. "From the way guys talk he'd bend over for the entire male student body. He's active, but he's far more selective than that. Besides, you love slutty girls."

"That is true," I said, "but we are dealing with a double standard here. If guys know I hook up with a slutty girl they pat me on the back and say, 'way to go, man! I bet you hit that hard!' If they find out you hook up with Troy, it will be entirely different."

"Yeah, welcome to my world," he said.

"If you like him, then I like him," I said. "I was impressed by the way he stood up for you. He is also rather cute… for a boy."

"Is there something you want to tell me, Philip?" he asked.

"I didn't say I wanted to hook up with him," I said. "No. I am not gay, but I do have something to tell you…"

I told him everything about my dreams that I had held back before, including the doubts about my sexual orientation. I was now reasonably sure I was not bi, but having wet drams about gay sex would give any guy doubts. I also told him about talking to Steve and Shawn about my fears that I might be into guys.

"We should have been more honest with each other all along," he said. "I'm sorry you didn't feel comfortable telling me everything about your dreams before, but believe me, I understand."

"I wish I had told you," I said. "Maybe it would have made you comfortable enough to come out to me. I've stopped worrying about my sexual orientation. I truly think I'm hetero, but if it turns out I'm bi, then it's okay. If I am, I'm still way more into girls so it doesn't really change anything. Talking to Shawn and Steve has really helped. I was worrying about things that didn't really matter."

"I thought you might turn on me if you found out about me," he said. "I'm sorry that I thought that about you."

"I can understand why you would see that as a possibility," I said. "I wouldn't have made the homo jokes if I'd known you were gay."

"You have no idea what a relief this is," he said. "I've lived in fear that I'd lose you as a friend if you found about me. Now, I'm glad you caught me with Troy."

"You will never lose me as a friend," I said.

"You'll never lose me either, even though you are one of those disgusting perverts who like girls," he said.

"Yeah, that's me," I said. "I'll try not to talk about girls so much."

"No," he said. "You go right ahead, but I'm warning you, if you give me intimate details about sex with girls, I'll do the same about sex with boys."

"That sounds fair," I said. "Listen, I want you to be comfortable talking to me about boys, like which ones you like or think are hot. I've talked to you plenty about girls."

"Ceaselessly," he said.

"What can I say?" I said.

"That you're a slut," he said.

"I wish!" I said. "I would have sex all the time if I could."

"Me too," he said. "So, have you really done everything you say you've done with all those girls and women?"

"Everything I have told you is true," I said. "As for things I've said in the locker room, I've exaggerated here and there."

"Same here," he admitted.

"What was hooking up with girls like for you?" I asked.

"Getting head was good, but the rest… not so much," he said. "I was usually pretending I was with each girl's brother."

"Did any of them notice you weren't into them?" I asked.

"Maybe, but I haven't been with that many girls," he said. "It didn't take me long to figure out I was not going to change."

"Have you thought about coming out?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said, "but it's complicated. I'm not ready."

"When you are, I'm here for you," I told him. "Whatever you need, I'm here."

"Thanks, Philip."

"You would do the same for me," I said. "You know you would. Are you going to be okay? Steve said you might even try to kill yourself."

"I'm okay," he said. "For a little while, I was thinking about killing myself, especially after you guys caught me with Troy, but by the time you arrived I'd already decided I'd rather face the consequences. I like my life and I don't want to throw it away."

"If you ever feel like you want to kill yourself, don't," I said. "Call me and I will come running."

"The same goes for you," he said.

"Thanks," I said. "There is one awesome thing about me finding out you're gay. I won't have to listen you your sick fantasies about my sisters and me. Hmm, you know… you have two brothers."

"Do not go there," he said.

"Oh no," I said. "After all the shit you've talked about me doing my sisters, your brothers are fair game. So, do you bend over for both of them? How about your dad?"

"Grr."

"Ha, ha!" I said. "The tables have turned at last."

"You know, what you said about incest when we talked before is true. I have some major fantasies about Shawn and Steve together, but when it comes to my family… eww."

"Yeah, none of my family has ever turned me on," I said. "That's a little surprising considering that I can be turned on by a brick."

"You are just an all-around horny bastard," he said.

"Yep, that's me," I said. "So, do you have any other big secrets?"

"I'm afraid not," he said. "You?"

"No," I said. "My weird dreams were my big secret."

"Nothing else?" he asked. "No necrophilia or anything like that?"

"Nope," I said. "Even the hottest girl is no longer hot when she's dead. Besides, dead girls can't moan. I like to know how much they love my big dick."

"Wow, you're kind of boring compared to me," he said.

"Excuse me!" I said. "You're only gay. Lots of guys are gay. I'm not even sure I'm real anymore. I am far more interesting than you."

"You're overly competitive, you know that, right?" he said.

"Yeah," I said. "I am the most overly competitive guy in the universe! No one is more competitive than me!"

"Okay! Okay!" I said. "You win. I'm just gay. You're a freak."

"That's better," I said. We looked at each other and laughed. "Come on. Let's go. I'm taking you to the Hornet's Nest . Every time my best friend comes out to me, I buy him whatever he wants at the Hornet's Nest."

"So, can I come out again tomorrow?" he asked, laughing.

"Oh, no," I said. "Once you come out, you can't go back in, even to come out again."

"Damn, I thought I was onto something," he said, smiling.

We climbed down off the mountain and I took his hand and held it most of the way back to the cars. I was relieved Spencer was going to be okay, and thankful that Steve had talked to me. I liked to think I would have understood on my own, but it's hard to understand when one does not understand.

"See you at the Hornet's Nest in a few. Don't stop to pick up any boys on the way. I'm starving," I said.

He rolled his eyes.

I was relieved to have a few minutes alone to process everything that had happened in the last hour. It was hard to accept that Spencer was gay. I hadn't suspected for a moment, and finding out the way I did was a shock. I was a little more uneasy and disturbed about I than I let on. I needed time to think things out, but one thing I was sure about is that I would be there when he needed me. It was difficult to understand the whole gay thing, but this was Spencer. I had known him my entire life. I would adjust.

I was so glad that Steve had sat me down and talked to me. The fear he instilled in me caused me to fast forward to acceptance. If it wasn't for Steve, I'm not sure how things would have played out. I'm reasonably sure I would have ended up where I was now, but how long would it have taken me to get here and what would Spencer have gone through during that time? He had talked himself out of suicide, but if I had been distant during the coming days, he might have returned to the idea. The thought of losing him scared me. I couldn't imagine life without my best friend.

I parked at the Hornet's Nest . Spencer arrived moments later. I pondered the nearby street corners as he caught up to me.

"What are you doing?" he asked as I looked back and forth between corners.

"I was just wondering which would be the best street corner for you," I teased.

"Huh?" he asked. "Oh, you asshole!"

I laughed.

"I'm gay. I'm not a whore," he said.

"There's a difference?" I asked, grinning.

"I'm going to spread a rumor that you can't get it up," he said.

"You wouldn't," I said.

"You might as well learn now that we gay boys are evil," he said. "Evil."

"You are a little scary, but I think that corner would be best," I said. "It has more visibility. At a quarter a blow you could earn five bucks in no time at all."

"You're having way too much fun at my expense," he said.

"Hey, you should know by now that I'm a jerk," I said.

"Everyone knows that," Philip," he said.

We entered the Hornet's Nest and slid into a booth. Some might think I was being a jerk or that I was being cruel to Spencer, but insulting him and giving him a hard tine was the best way to let him know that we were cool. Besides, he was quite capable of dishing it out.

A cute boy who I thought was a freshman took our drink order. He had long black bangs and beautiful blue eyes. I raised my eyebrows as he departed.

"You want to tap that?" I asked him.

"Who says I haven't already," he replied.

"Slut," I said.

"Look who's talking," he said. "How many girls have you hooked up with?"

"I see your point," I said. "I guess I can be considered a slut. I intend to be an even bigger slut in the future."

"I don't think that's possible, Philip," he said. "Besides, what about Rebecca?"

"That is not going well," I admitted. "When she looks at me, it's like she's looking at something nasty she just scraped off her shoe."

"That isn't very promising," he said.

"No, it's not," I said.

"I don't understand why you don't move on," he said. "Yeah, I know. She's your dream girl, but there were what… four of those last year?"

"Rebecca is different," I sighed.

"Uh oh," he said. "I don't like the sound of that. I don't think I've ever heard you sigh over a girl before."

Our waiter returned. Spencer ordered a double cheeseburger, fries, a coke and a hot fudge sundae. I ordered the same, except I ordered a caramel sundae.

"Seriously. Are you into him?" I asked when our waiter was gone. There was no one near enough to hear.

"I'd hook up with him," he said.

"Maybe you should go for it," I told him.

"It's not that easy for me," he said.

"Yeah. I guess not," I said. "I'm pretty clueless about how it works for guys into guys."

"I think it's easier for us than straight boys to find hookups if we're out, but much, much harder if we aren't," he said.

"Remember, if you want to come out, I will be right by your side," I told him. "That didn't quite come out right, but you know what I mean."

"Yeah, I don't think you're allowed to come out if you aren't gay," he said.

"You'd better be a little more careful," I told him. "What happened today could happen again with someone who will blab it to the whole school."

"Yeah, I let my dick do my thinking for me today and took a risk I should not have," he admitted.

"Been there, done that as you well know," I said. "I did it with Ms. Shields bare, and I almost did it bare with Darci Stevens."

"Wow, you're an idiot," he said. "I would have loved to have seen your face when you realized you'd pumped a load into Ms. Shields."

"I'm sure it was a look of pure panic," I said. "I'm not usually so careless. I considered it with Darci Stevens. I was so freaking horny and she was right there. Don't tell anyone this, but I considered trying to use Handi-Wrap as a condom."

He burst out laughing.

"You are a horny bastard."

"Yeah," I said. "I made it to the drug store and back in record time."

"I would not tell that story to anyone else," he said.

"Don't worry," I said. "I trust no one with it but you."

"We do know a lot of secrets about each other don't we," he said.

"Way too many," I said, smiling.

The bells on the door rang and Valerie entered with the same girl we'd seen her with in the Chouteau Café . She looked alarmed when she spotted me, but quickly recovered and waved. I waved back. The pair took a seat at a distant booth.

"What?" Spencer asked.

"My sister is with that same girl again," I said.

"So what?" he asked.

"She looked scared when she spotted me," I said. "The same thing happened in the Chouteau Café . You think they might be…"

"Lesbos?" he asked.

"Yeah."

He shrugged.

"Maybe, but we're together all the time and only one of us is gay," he said.

"True," I said.

"Does it matter?" he asked.

"No, but I don't want her to be afraid of me," I said. "You think she might be into girls? Should I say something?"

"You're becoming sensitive," he said.

"I'm just trying not to repeat past mistakes," I said.

"I don't think I'd say anything, but if she is and comes out to you, be accepting," he said. "You might let her know that you love her and that she can tell you anything too. You could do that without asking her personal questions."

"Yeah, I should do that," I said. "Wow, you guys are everywhere. It's like a homo takeover."

"Ha!" he said. "You don't know your sister is a lesbian."

"True."

"As for the takeover, I'll make sure you're treated well," he laughed.

Our food arrived and we began to eat.

"Man, I have eaten so many burgers here," I said.

"It's a wonder you aren't fat," he said.

"Instead," I said, "I have abs that are the envy of every guy at CHS."

"Every guy?" he asked.

"Well… most guys," I said. "I have eaten here countless times, with my family, with girls, with you, and alone. Someday, I'll bring my kids here."

"I can't picture you with kids," he said.

"Oh, I want to have kids, maybe lots of kids. I had even thought that someday my daughter would marry your son, or my son would marry your daughter. I guess not," I said, somewhat sadly.

"I can have kids you know," he said. "Everything works."

"Yeah, I guess you can, can't you," I said. "I never thought of that."

"Well, I'm not so sure I'd want any daughter of mine hanging around a son of yours," he said. "He might be like you."

"Your daughter should be so lucky," I said.

"It would be cool, wouldn't it?" he asked.

"Yeah, we'll just have to get our kids to cooperate," I said.

"Like we cooperate with our parents…" he said.

"I see your point," I said.

"I think this can be classified as a pointless argument," he said.

"True," I said.

"If you have sons, you'd better have a talk with them if they are anything like you, or you will be a grandfather at an early age," he said.

"Oh, my sons won't be as wild or reckless as me, at least I hope not," I said.

"Just make sure they know Handi-Wrap is not intended to be used as a condom," he said.

"Funny," I said.

"Hey, you're the one who considered it," he said. "Not me."

"True."

I watched my sister as we ate. I was careful so as not to make her uncomfortable, but she and the girl she was with seemed very close. Then again, girls were like that. They talked and giggled and held hands as if they were lovers. It didn't matter, but I wanted to be there for my little sister if she needed me.

I wanted to ask Spencer more questions about being gay, but the Hornet's Nest began to fill up and someone might hear. There would be plenty of opportunities in the future. I had no doubt Spencer and I would remain friends for our entire lives. Someday, we'd probably share a room in a nursing home, where I'd try to molest the female nurses and he would try to grope the male ones. I smiled at the thought.