Out of the Closet

by Victor Thomas

Chapter 7

Kenny

My eyes were on the movie screen, but I didn't pay much attention. Truthfully, I couldn't remember anything that had happened since the start. I stared at the screen and imagine myself in the scene. The hero of the movie, a guy in his early twenties, had captivating blue eyes, and his light brown hair was perfect, despite the rain. I couldn't help smiling.

I glanced at the empty seat next to me and wondered if I should go and check if Hannah was okay, but I decided not to. She probably just had to visit the bathroom and would be back in a minute.

It was awkward to admit, but I didn't mind that she was gone. Now I had a little space to think and didn't feel so much pressure to be the perfect boyfriend she expected me to be. The more I thought about it, the less I wanted to be a boyfriend, at least to her. I just didn't have the courage to tell her the truth.

Should I have said something, I pondered. Ever since we had first said 'I love you' to each other, I had always replied. Now, I had just frozen like there was a giant cement wall keeping me from making any sort of response. She looked gorgeous and cared about me so much that only a few boys would have asked for more.

Painfully aware that I was probably one of those boys, I had started to question our relationship more and more over the past month. And after yesterday, I could no longer deny that my thoughts constantly returned to Javier.

I envisioned him as clear as day; walking up to Chris and me, explaining that his car had been vandalized. He might have been hurt, but at the same time, his dark hair, brown skin, and athletic body was the most stunning things I had ever seen.

How brave of him to come out in high school.

My thoughts soon shifted to whether he was dating anyone, and an image of him with another guy came into my mind. I tried to remember if I had ever seen him at school with a boyfriend, but I couldn't recall. At least he didn't walk around the school yard with a guy holding hands like me and Hannah did. Although that wasn't uncommon in our school, I didn't think I was ready to do something like that. Not yet anyway, although the thought did have a certain appeal. I was more worried about how my mother would react than I was about my classmates.

Just this past April two sophomore boys, Atticus and Quenton had come out very publicly. They had both worn t-shirts basically announcing that they were gay, and were boyfriends. They had left no doubt in anyone's mind and yet no one seemed to care. They got a few good laughs, and the usual minor taunts, but that was it. And last Halloween, Tim and Derrick had come out at a party. They had been made up as zombies, which was kind of weird when they had kissed, but again there were no problems.

I was eager to know what the other jocks on the football team thought about their teammate being gay. I didn't have much connection with school sports, aside from being friends with Chris, who apparently didn't take Javier's coming out well and seemed reluctant to talk about it. I wished the other jocks would be more accepting, but my hopes were not high. I didn't think there would be any actual bullying or anything like that, but jocks have this whole macho thing going so I expected there might be some teasing at least. Our football coach was gay and he had a reputation of not putting up with any gay bashing or any crap like that.

Chris must have seen Javier naked, I realized, and my curiosity wasn't the only thing that began to itch. I covered my crotch with my shirt so nobody would notice. Luckily, the theater was dark.

A few minutes later, Hannah returned to her seat and cuddled up against my arm like she had before. I wished she hadn't, but there was nothing I could do right now. We had to talk, and soon.

But what am I going to say to her? If I broke up with her, she would want to know the reason, and I didn't have one, at least nothing I could tell her.

Suddenly, the lights came back on and the credits rolled on the screen. Woken up by the warm glow of the lights, I lingered on my seat until most of the audience had left, then I looked at Hannah, wondering whether now would be a good time for the discussion. She smiled at me, as my heart beat faster and faster. My mouth was half open, but no words came out. Instead, it felt drier than ever.

"Shall we?" she asked, gesturing to the door.

I nodded and stood up, feeling light headed. She took my hand, and we walked out to the parking lot. I was going to postpone the discussion until we were in the car. Every step we took closer to my car made me wish it was farther away. Unfortunately, far too soon, we were inside the car, me holding the key in my hand.

"It's always so weird going into the movie when it's bright out, but now it's nighttime," she said.

"Yeah."

Fifteen long seconds passed, but I still hadn't said anything.

"So, what was your favorite part?" she asked.

"Huh?" I managed to say before her hand touched my thigh, her fingers still a safe distance from where most boys would have wanted them to be.

And then we kissed.

"I love you," she whispered in my ear.

Her hand moved closer to the target.

"I love you too," I said quickly.

I put the key into the ignition switch to start the engine.

"I liked the part where the agents attacked the penthouse," I told her.

"I guessed that," she said, and patted my leg before pulling her hand off.

Her fingers were gone, but so was my chance for the discussion. Even if I had the courage to tell her we shouldn't be together any more, I just couldn't do it right after saying I loved her. I was uncertain how long the waiting period my unfortunate confession of love had set before I could break up with her. And the saddest part was, a big part of me was relieved that we didn't have to go into that discussion anytime soon.

The drive home was less than an hour, but it seemed to take forever in the quiet car. Finally, I pulled into her driveway. Slowly, like she was thinking really hard about something, she opened the car door.

"Would you like to come here tomorrow after school?" she asked, blushing lightly. "My parents won't be home. We could…"

I watched her face get redder; she had a hard time looking me in the eye. Then it sank in; it was the moment most boys waited for so eagerly. There was only one correct answer but I panicked, and now both of us were staring at our shoes.

"Sorry. I thought you… forget I said anything," she said quickly and rushed out of the car.

"Hannah, wait!" I yelled after her, but she didn't stop.

Shit! She wants to have sex with me. I sighed and rested my head against the headrest. It was just me in there in the car. Alone. How on earth can I decline that offer?

I backed out of her driveway and headed home. I drove aimlessly for a moment until I approached the street where Javier lived, which made me wonder if ending up there was really a coincidence after all. I slowed down and turned onto the street where his house was only a few hundred yards in front of me on the right.

Tightening my lips, I approached the house. The neighborhood was silent; I didn't see a single person until I got so close I saw his yard. My body tensed when I saw him leaning against the hood of his car. He was handsome, and he looked me directly in the eyes with a small smile on his face.

Shit, shit, shit! What the fuck was I thinking? I barely know him. I shouldn't have come here. I panicked and sped the car up. Please tell me he didn't recognize me.

I drove past the house, staring ahead like a zombie, squeezing the steering wheel. I didn't dare look in the rearview mirror, but I kept searching for a way out. I reached the end of the block and turned left back toward Main Street. Only when I was there did I remember to breathe again. I turned up the radio, hoping it would distract my thoughts.

Still, when I finally parked the car in front of my house, there was only one thought in my mind. Nobody can find out I'm… gay.

Before I went to bed, I texted Hannah and agreed to meet her after school. Her response was so full of hearts that I knew I would be in deep trouble. I had a choice of two evils; having sex with a girl or having people discover that I was gay. I didn't want to choose either. Something in the back of my mind warned me that ultimately, I might get both.