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by Zustara Orur

A story (C) 2002 by ZUSTARA ORUR. Contact address: 1.1 Not intended for redistribution, commercial use prohibited!

English is a second language to me, so please excuse any goofs present herein regarding grammar, spelling. I try to do the best I can!

Legal mumbo-jumbo BS: this story features explicit descriptions of sexual acts between consenting male youths. The story is fictional, and only took place in my mind. If this sort of thing bothers you; you are under-age (and anybody cares about it); reading this story happens to be illegal wherever you may be right now; etc, please STOP READING. I won't get in trouble, but you might, who knows. If all is hunky-dory, feel free to continue, if that is your wish.

I - Nothing Can Remain Hidden Forever:

Will had a secret.

He never told me about it, and he must have carried it for years (that's why they're called secrets I guess). Don't quite understand how he managed it, I don't think I would had I been in his position. But then again, I guess I wouldn't have his problem in the first place either, had I really been in his position. We're so different, Will and I. It's a pointless debate, trying to find out what might have happened IF...

We were kind of mates, you could say. Kind of, because we didn't spend much time together, which must have made it even harder for Will I guess. At the time, it just didn't occur to me he wanted to be with me. Had he approached me and said something, I would have agreed, I'm sure. I didn't mind having him around, we just weren't very close that's all. I guess he was shy, plain and simple. As for me, it's not as if I didn't care about him, I just didn't see much point in going to him. I kind of assumed if he wanted to be with me, he would come. So yeah. In a way you could perhaps say that I didn't care I suppose. I'm still not sure if I do... Yes, I guess I'm used to being the centre of attention. People ask me if I got time for them, if they can spend time with me. Will did too, but just not very often. He probably saw I had a lot of people surrounding me all the time and didn't want to impose.

Will had friends of his own. Not a whole lot perhaps, but those he had, he tended to be very close to. Some guys he hung around with all the time (like his swimming team buddies), it didn't seem to me he needed anything more. But Will had a secret, and it was getting heavier and heavier for him to carry.

Will was a more than decent swimmer I guess. Not elite level, but then again, very few are. He did a couple hours in the gym each week too together with his swimming mates. Not heavy weight lifting, but enough to give him a good body. He was fairly tall for his age (not excessively so however), medium-blonde with steel-grey eyes and I guess he had decent looks for a guy, I really couldn't tell. I don't check out guys (or girls even) so my frame of reference is kind of narrow. He wasn't ugly at least, that's for sure.

My girl friends (not girlfriends) tell me I'm rather good-looking, but I don't have Will's mind for training either so my physique is less impressive. I got walnut-brown straight hair that I keep at a constant 10mm length. Neat and tidy (I don't like to faff around with my hair, it's too bothersome), and it makes me stand out in a crowd. My parents probably don't like it very much, they jokingly say it makes me look like a soccer hooligan, but they know I'm no hooligan, and so does the rest of my acquaintances too. Eyes are also brown, by the way, and I'm not quite as tall as Will either; I'm about average, with a slim body and fair skin. Not much to say about that. I do a bit of jogging, and I play volleyball too to keep myself fit, but I don't work out or anything like that. I never strain very hard, neither when running or when playing volleyball. It's mostly just for fun. Or that's what I tell people anyway, not sure I really enjoy it. What is 'fun', really? How do you have it? To me, I think it's mainly something to do to waste time. Not that I'm bored, I'm not. I'm quite content with myself actually I think. I never hear any complaints, not from me anyway!

Anyway, I was starting to sense a bit of a change in Will. He was letting his schoolwork drop, and he didn't seem... Well, like himself. And I guess that says something, since I didn't know him THAT well and still noticed; his friends were probably rather worried.

One day it all came to a head. That afternoon I was biking home from volleyball training, it was rapidly getting dark because rain was literally pissing down and I was soaked to the skin. It was cold too, autumn had already set in, trees on either side of the road were full of yellow and orange leaves.

I saw him sitting in the gravel beside the roadway, his bike leaning against a light pole that hadn't started shining its yellow-orange glow just yet. He was sopping wet just like me, his head hanging down between hunched shoulders. Who knows how long he'd been there. I stopped, and as I did he looked up at me.

"Hi Will, having a good time?", I asked in a neutral voice. I'd intended it to be a casual joke to cheer him up a bit (humour is something I don't quite 'get', I know how to make other people laugh, but I myself don't do it very often. Laugh, that is. I'm often accused of being too serious).

He was in a foul mood I could see, and the joke didn't work. "Fucking bike broke down on me. Damn it!"

I took a closer look. Yes, the entire rear gearshifter had literally fallen off from the frame, it only hung on to the chain. "That sucks man, but you can't sit here in the rain. You'll catch a cold."

"You get colds from a virus, not from being cold", he replied sourly as water dripped from his hair.

I shrugged. "That may well be the case, but you're not exactly getting any closer to home by sitting here." Will was so moody, it was uncharacteristic of the guy. Not that he was the perkiest of guys either under normal circumstances, he was just a pretty calm person that wasn't known for mood swings in either direction. I tried to pull him to his feet by the arm but he brushed me off himself and returned to his hunched-up position again.

"Doesn't matter. I might just as well sit here and rot." He crouched together a bit more, pulling up his knees and legs close to his body. I saw him shivering from the cold.

I got off my own bike too. "Hey man, what's the matter?", I asked, trying to do it softly. I'm not too good at providing sympathy, but I did try. "It's just a broken bike, it can be fixed."

"It's not just the bike..." He was going to say something else, but suddenly he just shut up like a clam.

I was a bit puzzled, but I felt I had to try and help the guy somehow even if we weren't the closest of friends. "Uh, Will, why don't you come over to my place? It's closer, you could dry off and we'll fix your bike. I'm okay with a screwdriver, we just have to re-attach the thing and you'll be all set. You could borrow some of my clothes too if you want to, it'll be alright."

"I'd be nothing but a bother, I'll just sit here instead, okay? I don't mind."

"Yes, you mind! Giddup!" I again started pulling at one of his arms, keeping a firmer grip on him this time. It didn't feel right at all to leave him like that, so I wouldn't. "Move, dammit!", I said and laughed. Trying to shift him was like hauling a sack of potatoes! Slowly, Will got up on his feet. Water dripped off us at a steady stream, I was glad I was wearing my contact lenses; I'd been almost blind if I had still been using glasses. "Come on, man. Let's go, I'm fucking freezing right now!" I felt his body through his wet clothes as I tugged on him, and he seemed really cold.

Will didn't say anything, he just took his bike as I took mine, and we started walking home.

Me and my family lived in a fairly large single-floor house. My parents and younger brother were away for a couple days visiting our maternal grandmother who was in hospital recovering from having her appendix removed, I had a couple tests in school I couldn't afford to miss so I couldn't go with them. I had the house all to myself, nobody would mind two wet guys drying out for a couple hours. My parents trusted me not to make a mess or have a wild party while they were gone, and I really was fairly nice and clean I must say.

We took our bikes to the garage and went in through the side entrance. We ended up in the laundry room where I started to undress my soaked clothes, dropping them right on the floor where they made small wet splatting noises (the room had a sealed plastic mat that went partway up the walls, so it was okay). I extracted my wallet out of my pants and hoped everything in it hadn't been dissolved by the wetness. Will just stood there in an ever-growing puddle of water as I dressed down to my bare skin, only keeping my black boxer shorts on (which clung on to me like they were glued to my body).

"Well, come on then! You gotta get out of that stuff if you want to get dry!", I told him. He seemed a bit embarrassed all of a sudden for some reason, like he'd been daydreaming or something. REALLY, I was thinking, Will seemed to be totally out of the loop that day. Reluctantly he followed my example. I quickly and efficiently collected up Will's clothes and hung them in the dryer cabinet (didn't think my clothes needed the same amount of care. He was the guest after all and his stuff would dry quicker without mine too being in there, competing for the heat).

Will had purple bikini briefs that day. Small briefs, hardly covering what they were made to cover, and thus he kept his back side turned towards me. Or I think that was the reason anyway. His briefs had slid up a bit on one side, exposing almost half of a well-muscled butt-cheek. I pretended I hadn't noticed, didn't want to make an already awkward situation any worse (seen from his perspective at least, I didn't care much about a bit of nakedness; it's just skin after all. How could it matter one way or the other!).

"Okay, this will take a couple hours I think", I told him as I turned on the timer for the heater/fan. The thing needed to be replaced, it wasn't very efficient at all. "We can go watch some TV or something if you want. Don't worry about my family, they're still visiting grandma like I told you the other day."

Will nodded and headed out of the room, our still moist feet making soft smacking noises as they touched the hardwood floors. He'd been at my place before and thus knew his way around the house. We went into the living room, me stopping in the kitchen first to get a pair of coke cans and a glass with ice for each of us. I also snagged a nice woollen blanket from our old rocking chair. It was there for decorative purposes, but it was nice and warm and I knew we'd need something to protect ourselves against the cold with. I told Will to just go ahead and place himself in our couch despite his wet underwear, hoping the leather could handle it. We'd dry off soon anyway so it was probably okay. He held his hands over his groin, like he was still embarrassed.

I joined him, sitting down almost right next to him so the blanket would cover us both. We lifted up our feet from the floor and crossed our legs so we could cover ourselves completely. Our knees bumped into each other and I grinned at him, apologising silently. He blushed like crazy for some strange reason and I couldn't understand it. We nestled ourselves under the large colourful blanket and channel-surfed while sipping coke, not really watching. Eventually we stopped on MTV, they usually don't play my kind of music and I have no idea about Will, but that's what happened anyway.

He looked at me almost all the time. Not completely, just out of the corner of his eyes, and then back at the TV screen again, perhaps hoping I wouldn't notice. At one point, I almost thought he was having a boner down there under the blanket and I made a point of keeping my eyes at the TV. I could be wrong, but if not I didn't want to embarrass him again. I didn't get upset, which you might feel strange. But you see, I had brought HIM to my house and made him undress and then watch scantily clad women on MTV, it wasn't his choosing. And maybe he had problems keeping himself in check when just about naked, what do I know? I know I don't have that problem, I'm not even sure when I thought of sex stuff the last time. Maybe never.

Now you MUST think I'm strange. Sixteen years old, male and not thinking of sex all the time? It's true. Listening to some of my classmates you'd think there was little ELSE they ever thought of! I never tried to compete, why should I? I just don't feel any urges, and I'm not particularly worried about that either. Maybe I'll hit that stage at some point in time and I get to understand what the hell they're so up in arms about, or I won't. In which case I'd lose nothing; I don't feel as if I'm missing anything right now. I manage just fine as it is. Mum had a very matter-of-factly 'boys and girls-talk' with me a couple years ago, making sure I was 'educated' on the subject I guess. I already knew what she told me (in theory at least, not in practice since I've never been with a girl, not even kissed one), and I said I already knew. She finished her speech anyway of course, mums are always mums it seems.

Anyway, this boy-band video came on. Four guys picked mainly because of their looks, secondly on singing and dancing ability and put together in a record studio. Then they make a music video where they perform a slow ballad in the rain, with close-ups of their soft eyes and pouty lips and such as water dripped off them. Intended to ensnare young girls' hearts no doubt and make them run out and buy a ton of records. I don't care much for that kind of music, but now it felt sort of fitting, considering the weather outside and the fact we were still a bit damp in our hair (Will a lot more so than me since I keep it so short).

Anyway, Will, he seemed just as ensnared I think, but he was looking at me instead, openly now. I guess I could have felt uncomfortable, after all it's not something you're supposed to do between guys I know. But it just didn't get at me, as I told you, I don't get sexually affected at all, either put off or excited. Not by girls, and not guys either, and I guess I was thinking he could look at me if he wanted to just as he could look at the TV if he wanted to do that, or a wall even. It was all the same to me. But I knew he was having a boner now, and it was fairly impressive as far as size goes at least. I looked straight back at him for some reason (maybe just to see what he'd do then), and for once he didn't flinch away, he met my gaze. I could see the horniness on his face, it was plainly visible there. I was having a blank expression, but it didn't stop him. Will was in heat, it seemed.

"Oh, what the hell?", he said to no-one in particular. "What's there to lose anyway?" He tossed off the blanket, it fell down to the floor, exposing us both. Will's swelled sex organ was barely contained by his small briefs, part of it showed despite his efforts to cover it. "I'm dreaming", Will tried to convince himself. "It's just a dream and when I wake up all will be just as it always used to..." He began to inch closer to me on his hands and knees. I had folded out my legs, feet on the floor again. I sat there, quite still, like I wasn't sure what would come next. But in reality I was quite certain, and a part of me watched the oncoming spectacle with distant amusement like what was happening was some kind of stage drama playing itself out with that part of me as an onlooker in the audience. The other part of me just didn't care at all.

Will was so close to me now I could feel his warm breath on my face. "Please don't move", he said softly, and then laid his hands on my shoulders and slipped up into my lap, straddling my legs. "I don't care if you hate me afterwards, just don't move right now..." He kissed me lightly, as if probing my reactions, and finding me quite inert he got bolder. His dick popped out of his briefs, and he thrust his hips forwards, pushing it into my stomach as he placed another kiss on my lips; firmer, deeper. His hands encircled me, touching my face and my body as he 'mmmh'ed to himself from the stimulation our contact brought him.

"Shane... I love you", Will told me after that second kiss. He paused only long enough to see if I'd push him away or not, but when I didn't, he proceeded again. I felt his hand on my crotch, and for the first time I was a little surprised. Not because of his action - which I expected - but to find him grabbing my erect penis. I hadn't noticed that happening! I guess I'd been too busy studying what Will was doing to me. "I've always loved you", he told me softly. "Always... For ever."

II - The Boy Who Could Not Feel

I didn't feel scared, not even at finding myself erect as well. My dick gets hard sometimes on its own accord, I guess it's my body's way of giving me hints, but I don't pay it much heed. I treat it much like any other bodily function, like having to eat or go to the bathroom at times. I don't even give myself a clinical masturbation those few times it does happen, what would be the point? I get zero out of it, and I usually go soft rather quick if I do try. So I've stopped trying. I guess it's only natural I got stiff that time, like I said before, the body has a mind of its own after all. But I'm quite certain my own mind felt nothing at all. I was just a bit curious about what would happen next. "Sorry Will, but I don't love you", I told him flatly. Not to hurt him, I was just stating the truth! I don't think I have the faintest notion what love really is. I don't feel anything that has properties usually connected to love towards anyone in my life. Not my parents, not my brother. Nor any of my relatives or friends and acquaintances. My mum and dad, they're very nice, but I don't think I love them. In fact, I'm certain I don't. They're just...people, you know? They take care of me, and I appreciate it (even like it), but that's as far as it goes I think. I'm not a bad kid or anything, I just don't love them. They say they love me (quite often too), but I see them more as friends than anything else. They don't know about the way I (do not) feel about them, I wouldn't say it to their faces; it would hurt them I'm sure. But not wanting to hurt them, isn't that a feeling? So I can feel things for people after all? I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just being polite. And why had I brought home Will? Was it out of concern of him (which would be a feeling), or was it because it would be 'the right thing to do'? You're not supposed to leave a friend at the side of the road in the rain are you? I think it was more a sense of duty, rather than concern.

Back to Will again, after this brief excursion into emotion-land... He seemed a little disappointed, a bit wounded. But he recovered. Maybe he expected me to say it. "But... Do you mind...this?", he replied and to accentuate his words, put a hand on my chest and moved it softly in a small circle.

"No." But neither can I say I particularly enjoyed it either. I didn't feel anything. I had a hard-on, but not of my own choosing. This I didn't tell him.

Will smiled at me. "Then it's okay then?" His face showed a bit of anxiety, still fearing rejection I think.

I shrugged. "Sure." Him touching me meant about as much to me as if I'd watched him touch a plush toy. I sound callous, I know. But that's the way I am. I do try to be a good person, it's just that I don't feel, that's all (and strangely enough, I don't feel bad about it either. It's just the way I am, and I accept that completely).

He relaxed, and grinned. "Then it doesn't matter you don't love me... I can still love you." He spoke more to himself than to me I think, and then he sank down on me again, kissing my face and touching my body with his hands. Will was bigger than me, broader, taller. More muscled. But weaker too, somehow. Not that I'm saying emotions necessarily is a weakness, I wouldn't know the first thing about that after all. But, Will did seem weak emotionally, insecure. I've always been confident in myself. I don't know how to behave in any other way, but I don't feel. Not sure if there is a connection there, or just some kind of cosmic coincidence. I saw that touching me gave Will pleasure and strength somehow. And since I didn't lose anything by letting him, should I not help him then? That sense of duty again I guess. You're supposed to take care of your friends, that's what my parents have taught me. Even if that friend isn't a very close one.

I do this for you, Will, I thought to myself. Not for me. And thus I put my hands on the sides of his body too, just under his armpits. My thumbs were on his firm pecs, and his skin was warm and rather slick somehow. No hair, I don't think he shaved himself (some swimmers do that, I know). The amused onlooker part of my mind was watching with intense fascination, this was something brand new, I'd never done anything like it before and it made the onlooker rather curious. My hands moved down his body quite slowly, it gave Will goosebumps I noticed, and he moaned quietly as he kissed me still. He pressed himself against me, thrusting with his hips and rubbing his dick against my stomach. It was a big dick, bigger than mine.

I reached his briefs (which were moist still from the rain), and I stuck my thumbs in under the stretchy edge along the sides and twisted them around so the piece of clothing wound itself up on them. Will had stuck himself to my mouth like a Succubus it felt, and as I began to try to take off his briefs, he got rather wild. "Nnnhhh!", he moaned and suddenly pulled and tugged my body to a vertical position on the couch. He still sat straddled on top of me, and he was grinning and took over the task of removing his underwear, his dick waving proudly in the air as he did it. When he was done, he put his hands on my boxers and waited a few seconds. When I did nothing, he simply pulled them right off without a fuss and dropped them on the floor where they landed with a wet, smacking sound and then sank down on top of me. "Aaahhh...", he exclaimed, and I felt his twitching dick slip in between my legs and firmly lodge itself against my butt. I could feel it bury itself in the furrow between my buttocks as I was lying down on the leather couch.

Will's warm, firm body made contact all along mine, and his face spoke quite clearly of what he'd been acting so strange about recently. Me! He seemed almost totally content, only cloud in the sky was that I did not love him back. But for now, that wasn't a big worry, Will's conscious mind probably wasn't even thinking about it. Just that I allowed him to love me was enough to give him intense pleasure it seemed. I knew that was what he felt, even though I might just as well have been watching the hands of a clock tick off seconds and minutes. Yes, I do that sometimes. Hours can pass that way, and I don't get tired or bored either like other people would it seems. Not sure why. Shouldn't I too?

Anyway, Will was thrusting with his hips again, making muted noises of enjoyment. Particularly as I began to touch him back just a little. I wasn't sure I really should participate, it might give him ideas even though I told him I didn't love him. I was thinking, maybe I was using him? But if so, using him for what purpose? The sex, it was nothing to me, so maybe he was using me instead? Well, if so, he was using me with my consent. I didn't mind; it really was all the same to me. I had nothing better to do, and if it made him happy...

I think most other people would shudder at hearing me say something like that. We should respect our bodies, and not take part in acts which makes us uncomfortable, right? But this really didn't make me uncomfortable, like I said, it made no particular difference to me at all. So that makes it okay.

Will's back side, including butt, was nicely muscled. Shoulders and butt in particular in fact, he needed that in his swimming. I noticed his butt was rather sensitive, and the amused onlooker part of me encouraged me to stimulate him there just to see what would happen. I also kissed him back a couple times on his mouth and face, which Will enjoyed greatly. Suddenly, when I seemed to hit just the right spot with my hands, he tensed up.

"Oh... Christ, no! Shane, stop...!", he managed and then there was a shuddering sigh and I felt hot wetness spray out in between my butt-cheeks in a rapid pumping action. "Aaw man, I'm sorry!", he said and just flopped down on top of me. "I think I ruined your couch...!"

"Don't worry", I told him plainly. "It'll wash off, I'll take care of it. I mean it, don't worry." I started feeling him go soft, and I rose up a bit on my elbows. "You okay?"

"Yeah... I'm okay." He wasn't lying to me, he did seem quite content. Funny how a bit of sex can take all the tension out of a person. "Shane?", he asked me a bit hesitantly.


He blushed a little. "I... I'm sorry for all of this... I shouldn't have, you know. Not just...the mess, you know, but all of it. I kind of knew you didn't love me, it would have been too good. Too perfect. I'm never that lucky, that the person I love would be in love with me as well... But I wanted to touch you so bad, even if it was just ONCE. Even if you don't want to see me again ever after this. It would have been worth it."

"No, it's okay." My voice was rather empty, I couldn't help it, that's just the way I am (but I'm not sure Will even noticed it). To me, it was as if he had been making love to my body, not me. "I don't mind it. But you should still know I'm not gay, and I don't love you. Sorry, but it's true." I'm sure I'm not gay. How could I be, when I'm completely asexual? Gayness is when males feel attraction towards other males. I don't feel attracted to anything! What I'd just taken part in really had been for Will's sake, nothing else. Not that I'd felt ashamed had I really been gay I think, I'm a confident person and I accept myself completely the way I am. I don't mind being asexual, it's normal for me and I don't feel as if I'm missing anything.

He actually grinned at me. "Yeah, I know... Somehow, I know... But I am, on both counts I guess. I really do love you, Shane. An awful lot." He seemed to be in love with my name too, he said it so softly, so carefully.

"I'm not gay, Will. But if you want to kiss me or anything, it's okay. You're my friend."

I shouldn't have said it, I knew it almost immediately afterwards. It made him so happy, and I knew I WAS giving him false hopes. He just smiled dreamily at me, and I felt his dick starting to stiffen again (mine hadn't gone soft at all throughout the whole conversation), and then he did kiss me again, and he did it so carefully I was sure he was trying to infuse me with all that vast love he was feeling so I could return his affection, and I still felt nothing. And then I actually experienced a twinge of what I think was shame, because I'd tricked him, or I had at least allowed him to trick himself. But it was too late now, I couldn't take it back.

Will put his arms around my chest in a warm embrace and pulled me up to a sitting position, and he just held me like that, breathing softly and holding me, touching me. And I put my arms around him too, trying to find consolation for what I'd done, even if it had been unintentional. But the gnawing sensation was there still, and I could not make myself love Will no matter how hard I tried. It was difficult for me, I'd never felt that way before in my life I think. Not ever. I'd always been empty and comfortable with it, but now I suddenly found myself wishing I could feel more... But it was impossible.

I'd started out the afternoon meeting an unhappy Will, managed to make him happy while at the same time getting depressed myself. How ironic. And I never get depressed, which made it really difficult to handle. I actually don't know how to handle depression at all, since I've not really experienced it before. I just kept feeling guilt for leading poor Will on, perhaps into a relationship with me which could never work, and when either of us had to break it off we'd both end up getting hurt. It was inevitable. I could not reject him now, not so soon after inviting him. And I could not reject him later either. Disaster was looming on the horizon...

Of course, I could just do nothing, simply not feel anything like I always do and let things play themselves out until the bitter end and not care about the consequences. I could tune it all out, Will's despair at finding out for real I actually didn't care at all about him, and everything else associated with it too. That was an option that I could explore. Will could get to fuck me for a while, but eventually he'd realise I was all hollow. That would end it, and at least I would not get hurt. But my sense of honour was acting up against me, if I did that I'd behave selfishly and I'd been raised not to do that. So what could I do?! I saw no alternative.


I just had to play along, hope he'd get over me on his own. But I feared he wouldn't. He'd just get deeper and deeper in love with me now that he'd explained his feelings to me and I hadn't rejected him outright like he had feared. I would have to play along with that too, and it would all end in a total catastrophe.

Will kept rubbing himself against me, he caressed me all over, my butt, my back and shoulders, my head with its stubble of hair... He toyed with my ears with his mouth, sucking my lobes lightly, tickling me with his tongue. His hard dick was still between my legs, I felt its presence. My butt was all sticky with his semen, my skin a bit cold as it was drying, and I felt the stickiness when Will touched me there with his hands. It wasn't unpleasant, nor exciting either. It just didn't matter much at all to me, except I wanted to wash myself clean at some point (preferably in the nearish future).

And I found myself wishing it actually would matter, even that I could find that sticky sensation disgusting, but that was all it was; a wish. I was hollow. I could not even feel truly unhappy about the situation, it was as if I merely WANTED to feel unhappy. What the hell was WRONG with me? I was thinking I wasn't human at all, and even that thought just rolled right off me like a bead of water in a teflon pan. It didn't bother me. I suspected I wasn't human, and the thought didn't upset me because I wasn't human. It was like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Will never noticed what was going on in my mind. He loved me, something I could never give him back in return. His love was blind, he could not see what was going on in my mind. I sighed within myself and resigned to the fact. I pushed back the budding depression, killing it dead. I felt nothing. I could feel nothing, and it did not bother me. But I'd started it all by taking him home, it was my own fault. I might as well do the best I could of the situation, whatever that might be. See it all out 'til the bitter end and try to lessen the impact when the inevitable crash loomed...

How do you pretend you're enjoying yourself, when you might just as well have watched your own nails grow? I had no idea, I just improvised, trying to gauge Will's reactions, experimenting to see what worked. He seemed the most comfortable if I stayed pretty much inactive, which suited me just fine. I could touch him and caress him a little, but he seemed to get out of stride if I took an active role, so I avoided that. He'd just go wild if I simply didn't move at all for a while and let him do as he wanted with me, only to suddenly touch him where I knew he was sensitive. When I did that for the first time, he came a second time, squirting a fair amount of clear, thick and warm liquid over my chest and stomach (which he again apologised for, and I said was okay. It really was. As long as he didn't stick a knife into me or something, it was little he could do to me I would definitely have objected to).

I increased his level of pleasure by closing my eyes and remaining inert, as if pretending to be asleep. He became a lot more careful after I did that, he laid me down again and didn't jostle me even the slightest, only touching me very lightly with his hands without moving them. Touched, keeping them in the same place. But he also enjoyed it a lot more too for some reason... I guess Will could imagine he really was taking advantage of me somehow, the sleeping, straight boy that he loved which did not love him back. He was being very careful in order not to 'wake' me, perhaps to keep the fantasy scenario going as long as possible. I wasn't surprised to feel him quietly sucking my dick as I 'slept'. It's supposed to be a quite stimulating experience I've come to understand. As for what I felt... Well, it was kind of wet, and warm. That's about it, really. I still pushed a bit with my hips, just to give him the impression I was enjoying it. I didn't get an orgasm, of course. I've never had one, not even in my sleep. Sure, I'd had my share of 'nocturnal emissions', as they're so clinically called, but I'd only notice it when waking up in the morning, never when it actually happened.

My body is warm, but I am cold. And I don't even feel bothered about it.

III - One Giving Freely to the Other:

Eventually, Will had worn himself out. He seemed as exhausted as if he'd done a full gym pass, lying down on top of me, breathing. His face was happy and relaxed, more so than I could remember ever seeing him I think. He just smiled a little, his still moist hair clinging to his face, and held his hands on the sides of my ribcage in a light grip.

"Feeling better now?", I asked, remembering how down he'd been back there in the rain. It seemed he understood what I meant by the inquiry.

He just nodded in return, and slowly placed his lips almost reverently on my chest while keeping his steely grey eyes on my face, looking out at me from just below his eyebrows. His way of giving his thanks to me.

I wished I could have felt touched by that one single kiss. It was such an obvious token of affection. I put my hands in his blonde hair, caressing it with my fingers, smoothing it out, combing it, and he laid down his head on my chest and simply rested like that, so completely content. He was a bit heavy, but it wasn't uncomfortable. I let Will relax for a few minutes, then I began to push lightly on him. "Hey guy...", I said. "Time to start cleaning up."

"Oh yeah...", he mumbled. "Sorry, I just couldn't stop myself..." Will moved himself off me and sat up in the couch.

"I said don't worry. I'll take care of it."

I got up on my feet and headed out into the kitchen where I got some bundles of tissue paper and wetted them down slightly. Will followed closely in my footsteps, I felt his hands on my body at times, him unable to stop himself it seemed. It must seem totally weird to a 'normal' person that I'd go along with it, but by now you should be aware I really don't care much about such things. I guess I wouldn't have said much if just about anyone touched me, even in public, but people have inhibitions which stop them from doing so. I'd broken Will's inhibitions, invited him even. Someone else might have felt flattered by his attention, but I did not. Not the opposite either. He still continued to touch me on the way back from the kitchen, and when I leaned forwards in front of the couch and began wiping it clean, his hands were on my hips, and I felt that big dick of his against my posterior again. Will rubbed it quite gently down the cleft between my butt-cheeks, and up against my anus.

"You want to go there, don't you?", I asked him. I guess my voice sounded a bit amused I think.

His reaction was a bit of a surprise to me. "Oh yeah...!", he moaned with pain in his voice. He wasn't even abashed by my frankness. "I've wanted to do you for AGES, Shane! It's all I've been able to think of these last few weeks!" I couldn't comprehend why he'd want that so bad, but I found it a bit humorous part of the reason he'd been so distracted in school was this! Anyway, since I have no real understanding of how emotions work, it all went completely over my head for the most part. He paused for a bit, not moving, nor even breathing I think. "Will you let me?", he asked slowly. He thought it was a difficult question, awkward for both him and me. Maybe even a rude one. But then again, he didn't know about me either.

I was still busy wiping off the couch, and I knew my butt was moving, brushing against his dick. I imagined it must have been hell to poor Will to keep himself in check like that. "Not right now...", I told him. "Maybe later." Not because the prospect worried me, no of course not. I was just thinking I was leading him deeper into his illusion, which of course I was. But it would be inevitable anyway at that point, whether I let him 'do me' or not. So I might as well humour him. ...But not right then, it didn't feel proper. I reached around with a hand and patted him on his hand, that he still held on my hip to show it was okay. Will leaned forwards and kissed me on my back.

"Thanks...", he said.

I decided the sofa was as clean as it was ever going to get, so I turned around. Will's hot, throbbing sex organ brushed against my skin as I did, and when I'd turned around completely, he had his arms around me again, his lips on my body, his tongue tasting my skin. He just could not get enough of me, and I couldn't understand this urge he felt to touch me at all. I began laughing, I thought it was a bit silly! Will however just got even hornier by my laughter, he must have thought I was enjoying myself, and he started groping me and fondling the most intimate places of my body with a total lack of shame.

I'd told him I wasn't gay (which wasn't a lie), yet I let him treat me in such a manner! There was NO WAY he was ever going to believe me. What a mess I'd made of things...

"Christ man, calm down!", I said, still almost laughing. "Or there'll be need for more cleaning soon."

I broke through to him somehow, and he calmed down. I think it was my voice. He seemed to be as in love with it as much as everything else about me. "Yeah, you're right", he said, a little disappointed I think. "Sorry again, I guess I wasn't thinking. I just love you so much, I don't want to stop touching you..."

I was leading him into the bathroom. We both needed a shower, badly. "Well, you're just going to have to, you know. We can't stay naked together forever. Let's try this now, just for practice alright? You take a shower first, and then when you're done, I go in while you dry yourself off. Okay?"

He agreed, but only very reluctantly. I gave him a small push, and he went into the shower and got the flow of water started. "It's like being out in the rain again...", he said quietly.

"A bit warmer this time, I should hope", I added. Not cheerfully, it was not the right moment for that.

No response from Will, but I noted no vapour was forming in the air. I checked with my hand, and the water was almost ice cold. I didn't say anything.

"You know...", Will started. "It's my birthday today."

No, I didn't. "You never told me", I replied calmly. Maybe I should have said, 'congratulations!' or something like that, but I felt that wasn't what he wanted to hear.

"Yes I did. But it was a couple years ago, you probably don't remember."

True, I didn't. "It's hard to, when you never invited me to any of your parties."

He laughed bitterly. "Parties? I never had any. You think I could have a birthday party with my parents? You know how they are." Yes, I knew. Not the nicest, maybe not even sanest, of people. "Besides, we weren't close enough anyway, I wasn't sure you'd want to come, so how could I say anything?" His voice was a little shaky with emotion.

"Sorry. Didn't mean to upset you..."

He was quiet for a short while and just stood leaning against the shower, letting water rain down on him. His skin looked extremely pale even compared to his fairly light hair colour, his body had probably cut off almost all of the blood supply to the surface to try and retain some heat. "ONE guy remembered... Just one. Some fucking great birthday isn't it?" He had problems keeping his voice level. He kept his face turned towards his feet. I could still see the emotions displayed on it.

...And that one guy hadn't been me. Dammit, I should have felt guilty, but I couldn't.

"So you're sixteen now too, huh? Way to go", I said to him and contrary to my earlier intentions joined him in the shower. The water was so cold it was almost painful and I immediately started freezing, but of course I didn't have to even bear it out stoically, I just switched it off. "Happy birthday, Will...", I told him softly and wrapped my arms around his shivering body. "You can touch me, it's okay. I won't stop you, see it as my birthday gift to you."

The water was too cold for either of us to get hard, but Will held me, and I held him and I think he actually cried a little bit but it was difficult to tell. He could have been shaking because of the cold too. When I couldn't stand that arctic water anymore because my teeth were chattering so bad I actually thought I'd chip them I turned around and shut off the flow, and as some warmth returned to us I proceeded with washing my friend's hair and still chilly body with shampoo. He stood there and soaked up the attention I gave him (his face still tinged with sadness), and when I was done I rinsed him off with warm water instead of that awful icy stream. Amazingly enough, we were both still soft even though I'd cleaned every part of his body, and being determined while doing it too... Then, acting on an impulse, I grabbed another bottle and squeezed out a nice dollop of thick conditioner and started massaging it into his hair. The consistency and colour (if not the smell) reminded me vaguely of semen... As I did it, I kissed poor Will on his lips, and for once I didn't feel as if I was leading him on into something he'd come to regret. It was a present for him, something genuinely real this time. He deserved it. The conditioner's fragrance was full of apple scent, orange and lemon oil, as well as other fruit aromas, and he seemed calm and relaxed while we were joined like that.

I withdrew my lips from Will, he didn't want to break contact with me. He came after me with his own lips, and I had to block him by lowering my forehead (it was an effective barrier since I'm shorter than him). I started giggling as Will began to tickle me under my arms (I was still massaging his hair and scalp, so I was a totally open target).

"Come on!", he said. "Don't be a prude now, you said it was okay!" He sounded a little bit annoyed, but excited too, and now his dick was starting to grow again. "Shane, I want you, and you said it was okay!" He sounded a bit like a spoiled, whining child being denied his favourite toy, and he was still tickling me as he hunted my mouth with his own, and I was squirming wildly to get away from the tickling, and just to end it I relented; throwing my arms around him and placing my lips on his. Immediately the torture stopped. Will put his arms around me too, and I felt his now rock hard dick invade the narrow space between my thighs. My own dick was stiffening again as well, and it felt appropriate. It would make Will happy. "Shane... I want you, I love you, I want you... I love you", he whispered in my ear, over and over.

He was literally fucking my thighs, squeezing his hands all over me, centring on my head and face. His lips felt an insatiable need to touch my skin for some reason, whenever he was kissing the lids over one of my eyes I'd try to get away (I like to be able to see properly, preferably in stereoscopic vision like we humans are equipped with), but he'd pursue me until he felt he was finished with that eye and then move on to somewhere else. I'd turned on the water once again by then. I didn't bother to shampoo myself, I'd already done that after volleyball practice, and it was my third shower of the day anyway. I'd had one in the morning, the next after practice, and now another one with Will, so I was about as clean as one can possibly get. I busied myself with washing the conditioner out of Will's hair; it was rather sticky, so I had to be quite vigorous at the task. Will seemed to enjoy it, he hugged me close and even lifted me off the shower floor. It almost felt as if I was sitting suspended on that iron pole of a dick of his, and when I wrapped my legs around him and squeezed myself in tight to him (so tight he almost gasped with pain), Will came for the third time that afternoon. Well, by then it was evening, or close enough anyway. He groaned from deep within himself and shuddered with unrestricted pleasure, and we both continued to hold me off the floor like that for a bit longer. I'm not enormously heavy, nor am I a lightweight either, but Will's quite strong it seems. He carried my weight and his own with little visible effort. And his stomach was well-defined and muscular too. I could feel it strain against my stiff organ... Stronger, more muscled than mine.

"Finished now?", I asked with a hint of amusement. Will finally started lowering me down on the floor again, and I unwrapped my legs around him. As he let go of me, I found I could not touch that experience in my mind for some reason. When I usually think of something, it often occurs to me how little it means to me. But I could not think of that one moment at all, when Will took me in his strong arms and gave me all the love he felt as thanks for the gift I'd given him in the form of myself.

I did not allow myself to touch it. I think it was because I did not want to demean Will's feelings for me. Even though they meant little or nothing to me, they meant an awful lot to Will himself. And I did not want to ruin that, ever. Not even in my own mind.

Will was again looking at me with love-filled eyes. "Yes, I think so", he said and caressed one of my cheeks. "That was the best birthday present anyone's ever given me I think...!" It was hard to tell with water constantly dripping down from his hair, but he might have been crying (again?) right then; light tears of joy.

"It was nothing." I should count myself lucky Will could not understand how close to the mark my comment hit.

IV: Who Knows What Will Happen Next:

I needed to change the topic. "How about some dinner now? I don't know about you, but I'm starving. Or do you have to get home?"

"Not home, oh God no... I don't want to go home."

I shrugged. "Alright then, if you're certain about that... Who am I to argue?" I really didn't want to argue right then, I knew (some) of what his home condition was, and I could understand if he wanted to stay. "Anyway, we could order a pizza, does that sound tempting? Not much at home except a few frozen TV dinners, and I wouldn't want to push one of those on you on your birthday." He seemed to agree. I was leading Will to my room where I proceeded with kitting him out with some clothes from my closet. I got him to put on underwear, socks and a green T-shirt, plus a pair of my jogging pants too (blue ones). Everything was just a little bit too small or too short or too tight for him, but he didn't complain. I guess someone else would have found him sexy dressed like that. Nice body, tantalisingly revealed in a teasing manner...

It was still raining outside, I had nothing particular that held me back from going out the door to either a restaurant or a fast-food place (the rain, while not exactly pleasant, didn't bother me much), but Will would probably object. "Hey... You look good!", I told Will and gave him a pat on his firm rump. Just to cheer him up a bit.

He smiled reluctantly. "Yeah? Well, so do you..." He wanted a kiss, but I dodged. He came at me again, and I thought, oh what the hell...? I was trying to make him feel happy. So I just stopped and let him place his lips on my face. When he was done, he held my head with his hands for a little while, looking at me. "For a guy who says he doesn't love me... You sure put up with a lot, Shane." He seemed both a bit confused, and happy too.

"I don't mind", I replied plainly.

"Yes, you told me. But WHY? I mean... If you don't love me? Nobody would go along with it!"

I just shook my head slowly. "Does 'why' really matter, Will?", I asked softly. Christ, now he really would think I loved him back, and just was afraid to admit it. But maybe he needed that illusion to cling on to, Will seemed to have been walking right along the edge of human endurance for some time now. It was quite incomprehensible to me, I'd have managed in his place I think, because I don't feel. But Will, he was an emotional person, he needed support from someone, and if I was all he had, I'd better really be there for him. I was still wondering what would happen when he found out about me, though...

"No, I guess it doesn't", he replied back, just as softly. And he wanted to kiss me again, and I didn't stop him. He did it once, on my mouth. Quite demurely, I must say, no tongue or slobbering or anything. And then once on my forehead, and then he held me close a short while just to feel my warm presence it seemed. We did have clothes on which acted as a kind of protective barrier against things progressing further than that. Or maybe Will was content for the moment, hard to say.

I walked over to my phone and picked it up. "You wanna call your folks?", I asked.

"Nah, I'll do it later on my cellular, it's in the backpack out by the bike."

"Hope the rain didn't kill it...", I said with a grin.

Will smiled back. "Yeah. I'll have to go check it out, you go ahead and order. Anything, as long as it doesn't have those little anchovy fishes on it okay?"

"Italian-style or Chicago?"

"You decide." And with that, he left the room, keeping his eyes on me as long as he could.

I called my usual pizza place. It was a while since I'd ordered from there, but they remembered me anyway. I ordered a pizza with the works basically, except no anchovy. I didn't care much for them either. Chicago-style, since it's more manageable to eat with your hands and I figured that's what we wanted to do. Tomato sauce and cheese of course, fresh tomato slices too and mushrooms, red onion rings, green peppers, black olives, bits of minced meat, ham, pepperoni slices, garlic... Lots of yummy stuff!

Will was back soon after I was done, holding his cellphone. I didn't know if he had really called his folks or not. Not sure why I'd wonder about it, I didn't really have a reason to feel suspicious about it. However, his parents usually didn't like it if he ate somewhere else or stayed over, not sure why there either, but it might have been reason enough for Will not to call them just to avoid them saying no to him. They didn't seem to care much for him, the father was a oil rig worker who stayed away for about four weeks at a time, mother worked as a waitress I think. Neither of them were affectionate, nor particularly pleasant even. The father was a periodic drinker I knew. Why they'd want to deny their son the occasional dinner or sleep-over away from home was beyond me, but then again, a lot of things were.

Will was a good kid with parents who did not appreciate him.

I was a kid with good parents whom I could not appreciate.

So similar, yet so different.

I took Will back into the living room and we placed ourselves in the sofa. He was leaning back, his head on an armrest and I was leaning against his broad-chested body, positioned between his legs. He caressed my head, stroking my face and hair, softly massaging my face and the tiny muscles that lay under my skin... None of us really paid much attention to the TV while waiting for our food to arrive. Will was totally obsessed with me it seemed, I just blanked everything out like I do when waiting. Time passed, my friend was happy.

Pizza came, I paid for it with damp money out of my soaked wallet which I had forgot to clear out (Will wanted to pitch in but I refused, it was his birthday so I paid the meal). We ate, together with more coke out of the fridge. I sat in Will's lap and stuffed pizza slices into his mouth, it was utterly ridiculous, but it made him happy. I suppose he found it erotic, being fed by the person he loved, because he was again having a huge hard-on and it poked rather badly at the flimsy pants he was wearing. We didn't do anything besides eat though, I merely pressed my leg against his erection every once in a while, just to point out to him I knew he was hard, and that I was okay with it. He'd hug me back slightly at those instances. We didn't speak, we just ate, and Will enjoyed my presence. It was a one-sided feeling.

When we both had finished devouring the pizza (him eating the major part of it), Will again pushed me down in the sofa. I didn't get a repeat performance of the afternoon, but he did make a point of not letting me get away either. I HAD to stay right there so he could kiss me or touch me whenever he wanted. It seemed like he really was behaving a bit like a spoiled kid, but there was no particular reason why I should not humour him either (and besides, with the home he came from, he could use a little - or a LOT actually - of affection, even if it was affection provided by someone who really had no clue of the meaning of the word. I just improvised and hoped for the best). We both kept our clothes on, but after a while he let his hands sneak inside mine to touch my bare skin. We mainly rested together however. Will was pretty calm right then, but that changed soon after, after a few careless words from me. Well, how could I know?

"It's getting a bit late", I said, without any emphasis of any kind. He took it as an invitation.

"Your bed would be nice...", Will told me softly and a little hesitantly as he snuggled in tighter against me.

I got up on my elbows. "Don't you have to go home, man?"

"No, it's okay. I can stay as long as I want." He paused, hesitating. "Or, as long as you let me stay...?" I felt his hands grip me tighter, as if he was worried I'd kick him out on the street.

I sat up, fully intending to let him stay, but when I moved an almost panicked expression spread across his face and he gripped me tighter still. Quickly, I moved in to assure him. "It's okay. You can stay." I put my hands around his wrists and pulled him up. "All night, if you want." I could not quite read Will's face. Was he still uncertain, or was he relieved? I wasn't sure. Anyway, I guided him to my bedroom, it was the logical place for us to go.

We'd dressed there not too long ago, and now we undressed instead. I was the first to become completely naked. Will had only removed his socks and T-shirt, being uncharacteristically slow at it. When I started to pull down his pants, he stopped me.

"Why are you doing this?", he wanted to know. I really could not understand him! Just now HE had been the one leading on! But for some reason, this was important to him. A sudden realisation of some sort, perhaps.

"Because you want it."

He didn't know how to respond, so he responded by becoming upset, almost angry even. "Because I WANT IT? What the hell kind of answer is that? You do know what I want to do with you, to you, on that bed don't you?"

"I think I do, yes."

Will seemed frustrated and confused. "But, Christ, Shane! That's just crazy! Nobody would want that, accept it, unless..."

"Unless they're gay? I'm not, Will."

He shook his head. "You're just one cold fuck of a fish, aren't you?"

What was the point of denying it? "Yes, I am." My eyes looked at him, it was a blank stare, and I could see Will's love, intermixed with fear. Fear, of that blank stare. "I really don't mind, it's true."

"I don't understand you at all. I want to refuse, I even should I think because this isn't right. But I don't believe I can. I simply love you too much." He was quiet for a while, maybe arguing with himself over what to do. He stood there looking at my naked body with a curiously emotionless face that bore an almost scary resemblance to my own expression. "Yeah... I'm in love with a cold fish", he finally said.

"I was hoping it wouldn't show."

"Hah. You're smart, Shane, but you're also a fool. I've known for a long time. Maybe almost since I first met you. So do others, I think. One can't help figuring it out sooner or later." Will sighed. "I've never seen you angry, or upset, or unhappy, or... Or really showing any kind of emotion. You smile and laugh and hide it well and let people think you're really cool. But you're just COLD, I think. Am I right?"

I took his hands in mine and put them on my chest. Like I expected, he stepped a little closer. I moved closer still, not really sure why. Maybe I just wanted to distract him, stop him from thinking along those lines. But then I replied to his question, which ended all possibility of hoping to achieve that. "Yes, you're right."

Will actually flinched, like he expected me to get angry and slap him. But of course I didn't. I just encircled him with my arms, and then his desire took over - no matter what his conscious mind wanted - and thus he gently pushed me down on my bed.

It wasn't like I expected, feeling him inside me. He had been terribly afraid of hurting me, but pain is something I can mostly just disconnect. If I wanted to, I could probably put my hand over a burning candle and simply hold it there I think. I've never had a reason to do it of course, but I could. I'm sure of it, pain is merely a discomfort to me, and Will didn't cause too much of that anyway. He was so gentle with me, so careful and loving, and I could not return his affection even though I pretended to.

And that was the root of the problem I think. Because Will really did love me, and craved for affection in return. Even though he wanted to, he could not make love to me when I felt nothing in return. He pulled out of me and sat down on the edge of my bed, clearly lost and distraught.

V: Who Can Say How it Will End?

"What's wrong?", I asked. The question was redundant, but I thought maybe it was the right thing to say.

No, it wasn't. "What's wrong?! Everything!", he replied sourly. "I... I can't do this! I can't! It's WRONG." He shook his head unhappily. "It feels as if I'm raping you!"

"No you're not! I said it's okay... If you want to-"

"STOP! Just... Stop, okay?" He looked at me angrily, yet lovingly and pleadingly too. "I can't deal with this! It's too strange." He shook his head again, looking down at his feet. I reached towards Will, touching his shoulders and tried to put my arms around his neck. It would make him more comfortable with the situation, if I showed I didn't mind his touch. He pulled away and stood up. "No! Don't do that, okay? It's not right."

"It's right if you let it be."

My words tore him up, even though I meant the opposite! "Christ!", he said, on the verge of tears I knew. "That's it! I'm leaving!" I tried to stop him, but he pushed me away so I just stood there. After a moment, I followed slowly, to see where he was going. Yes, he was leaving. He headed towards the drying cabinet to get his clothes and once he was there, he started putting them on even though they were still moist. More than that even. I'd forgotten to squeeze out the water in them, and even though they'd been hanging in a flow of warm air for quite a while now they were still damp (or even wet) except right at the top. I'm not very good at housekeeping duties, I could probably manage to make a pot of boiling water to get burnt!

It didn't stop Will though, he started putting them on anyway, struggling since they were sticky against his skin. He pulled so hard at them I feared he'd tear the seams... I again put my hand on his shoulder to make him stop. He turned, and I saw something glimmer in his eyes. Anger. Hate. Fear. Anger at me I think, for not loving him. Hate towards himself maybe, for loving me anyway. Fear...for feeling all those emotions in the first place I suppose.

I saw that flash by on his face in a second at most I think and then the anger took over, replacing the other feelings. I'd never seen him so enraged before. "Stay away from me!", he growled and gave me a really hard push, almost making me fall. "Stay away!" Maybe I'm stupid, I don't know. Or I'm just totally inept when it comes to such things due to my inexperience with dealing with emotions. I still thought I could fix this... So I came after him again, and then he punched me right in the face. I saw the anger on him as he did it, but the fear was there too underneath, and pain for making himself hurt me. The swing was too swift and sudden, I did not have time to dodge it.

It was a hard punch. Really hard! I've never been hit before, ever. But I could tell he really did lay into it right then because I felt myself loose contact with my limbs. They didn't obey me and then I found myself down on the floor, feeling woozy. A distant throbbing signalled I'd been hurt, but there was no real pain. The ring he wore on his right hand had punctured my skin, I was bleeding a little from a cut on my cheek. "It's okay", I said as I picked myself up once more. "Don't worry, I'm not mad at you."

"Damn you Shane!", he said, trying to sound contemptuous as he pulled on his still almost soaked jacket. My uncaring attitude towards his unprovoked attack seemed to have enraged him further, on a shallow level. "Don't you feel ANYTHING?!"

Still, I knew the anger he expressed right then was all a sham, in reality he was frightened and upset. He'd struck the one he loved, and for no real reason other than to try to scare me away. Why would he do that then? Maybe in an attempt to punish himself, I'm not sure. I don't deal well with emotions, as I've explained several times now.

Only seconds had passed since him hitting me. He glared at me still, then he quickly stuck his feet down his shoes (not bothering to lace them up) and hurriedly walked out into our garage and slammed the door shut, leaving me standing there alone and naked still. I had a smear of blood on my face and down to my chest, and some on the hand I'd used to feel a bit where I'd been wounded, but it did not concern me. I ran to the closest window and looked out. Will was leading his bike out of the garage, out onto the still rainy street. It was even darker outside now and the street lights had finally turned on. They created illuminated sodium-orange cones of raindrops in the darkness, round patches of shiny asphalt at regular intervals down the street... Will was all alone out there in the rain and the dark, I saw no other people, no other cars apart from a few empty parked ones. My hot breath started to fog up the window. It was getting even colder out there...

Will stopped for a moment right opposite the front door to our house. He looked straight ahead, out into the rain along the length of the street, and then his head turned towards the door instead. He was sad and lost, and probably thought he had really made a total mess of everything I think. He was blaming himself, that I knew. He was too far away for me to see his face quite clearly, but I did see enough to make that out. The sadness.

I can't explain it.

I can't say how, or even why. It's not something I'd ever experienced before.

I missed him...

I missed his warm embrace, his gentle closeness.

I missed feeling him next to me, and the delight he experienced when touching me.

I missed the attention he lavished upon me.

I missed being able to bring him pleasure by my actions, or just by being near him.

I missed the way he made my own body react to him.

...And I realised, I had to be with him. Because, I missed him...

Not hesitating, I ran towards the front door. It only took me a few short moments and I immediately flung it wide open as I reached it. He had started walking away, heading off down the street in the direction we'd come in just hours earlier. He was again soaked to his bare skin and freezing in the wind that had started blowing. The temperature was still dropping, and if it continued like that, soon the rain would start turning to ice as it hit the ground.

I was all naked, but that did not stop me. "Will!", I shouted as I ran towards him. "WILL!" My feet splashed in puddles that had formed on the walkway leading up to the door. The water was really cold but it did not bother me. He hadn't had time to go far, and I quickly reached him.

My shout had made him stop and turn. I recklessly jumped towards him, my arms stretched out to grab hold of him.

Will caught me easily, his bike falling, forgotten. It landed on the street with a loud clattering noise just as I crashed into its owner. He caught me, and I crossed my legs around his back as we embraced. His strong body held me easily and really firmly, greedily sucking heat away from me to replenish that which it had lost. I gave of it to him willingly, gladly even...

His face was smiling as rain dripped down us both.

"Do you love me then after all?", he asked warmly.

I opened my mouth to reply, fully intending to tell him the truth...

He stopped me by speaking again. "No. Don't say anything!", he then said and kissed me on my lips thereby silencing me, doing it softly and tenderly. "I already know...!"

--* END *--

Author's Notes:

This is a very personal work for me in ways that maybe aren't immediately obvious.

It may seem as a 'stroke story' at first, it does have more 'naughtiness' in it than my other stories, but it is also more than that. Shane and Will are in fact shadows of myself in a way. One of them who I want to be, but also the one I fear I am. The other, what I once was, but also what I once hoped I'd become.

...Then again, there's only so much that is echoed in reality by fiction of course.

The title may also seem curious to some of you. It is somewhat of a misnomer in a way, as the expression the abbreviation stands for doesn't apply to feelings at all. But the words themselves are fitting enough.

This is actually my second or third story (concept formed during the writing of "Love From Beyond"), and so far I've only showed it to a very small number of people. Well, now I felt it was the right time to 'reveal this to the world' so to speak... Originally, I intended to keep the ending open, to leave Shane standing there as Will stormed out. I wanted to keep the ending open so I could come back later and finish it depending on how things turned out in my own life.

However, I changed my mind.

I guess it felt a bit uncomfortable to go through with such a scheme. And besides, I think there is enough wiggle-room for personal interpretation as it is now. How do you see this story finishing? I am NOT giving it to you in writing, whatever YOU decide is the true ending!

Thanks for reading.

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