Sarah kept the promise she had made to Justin the night before and took the boys shopping. Alex wasn't comfortable choosing things for himself, so Justin took pleasure in choosing things for Alex. They got a number of new tops and a couple of pairs of jeans in the style Justin had loaned him. They also got him some t-shirts, shorts and trainers for when he went running.
When the three got home Sarah made a snack before the boys went upstairs to Justin's room.
"So what did you think of him? I was surprised when I saw him, he isn't a total stud but there was definitely something about him." asked Justin.
"I know he wouldn't be the first person I would choose as a boyfriend but like you said there was something about him. I was surprised when we were in his room that he didn't ask me about anything that's gone on this week, he just wanted to talk about football."
"So what do we do now? You wanna play something or would you prefer to watch something?"
"I'd rather watch something than play a game. I don't know if it was the run earlier or the appointment with the doctor but I feel drained."
"Do you want comedy, action, thriller or horror?"
"You decide." Alex dropped onto the bed when Justin moved to the shelves of DVDs. Justin picked up Breakfast at Tiffany's and put it on then joined Alex on the bed. When the film started the boys were sat on each side of the bed. About halfway through the film Justin got up to use the toilet, when he came back he got back on the bed and moved closer to Alex but not so close that they were touching. As the rest of the film was playing Justin moved closer to Alex a little bit each time.
"Do you want to cwtch up again? Is that why you keep moving closer?"
"Yes, but only if you want to."
"It's fine with me, I told you I enjoyed it yesterday." Alex held his arm out for Justin to get into place. Justin placed his head on Alex's chest and his arm across Alex's stomach, resting his hand on the opposite shoulder. As he did yesterday Alex eventually started moving his hand up and down quietly stroking Justin's back. After about ten minutes of Alex's gentle stroking, Justin went into autopilot only partially aware of what he was doing, he moved slowly, as his face got close enough he also brought his hand up to Alex's head and before either knew what was happening he had kissed him. It only lasted a few seconds.
Both were shocked, Justin was the first to recover.
"I'm sorry I don't know what possessed me to do that. Are you alright?"
"I um I....I'm not sure. I think I'd best go down to my room." With that Alex quickly got up and left Justin's room. When he left Justin broke down in tears. Why had he done that? What had come over him? Had he sent Alex to a place that would mean he would want to cut up again? He didn't want that. Alex obviously didn't want to be around him. What could he do? Justin was wishing he could take the kiss back.
Downstairs Alex was in a major spin. Why had Justin done that? He was happy with things as they were. Sure he had finally accepted that being gay was not such a terrible thing, but was he really ready to act on his attraction to Justin? It wasn't that the thought repulsed him like it would his father, it was just that he wasn't ready to take that step. Did Justin expect him to have sex with him? No that was stupid, he knew Justin fancied him but he wasn't that type of person.
The boys spent the next hour mulling over the kiss and how it would change things between them. When Sarah called them down for dinner she was surprised at how quiet they seemed and there also seemed to be an atmosphere between them. The boys slipped into their routine of washing and drying the dishes together after dinner but they didn't say much to each other.
When Justin didn't appear to want to talk to Alex, Alex was sure that Justin was upset with him over his reaction to the kiss. Was he regretting Alex staying there?
Justin was thinking that Alex's lack of interest in talking was a bad sign as well, only Justin thought that Alex was considering cutting again. Neither boy knew how to get out of this mess. When the dishes were finished they both went back to their own rooms.
Justin sat down at his computer desk and started writing down a letter he could give to Alex explaining what he thought about what had happened and what he wanted to happen if it was possible. It took several attempts and lots of paper before he finally settled on the final draft.
I want to apologise about what I have done to you, I don't know what made me do it. I hope you can forgive me. I understand if you think badly of me although I hope you won't. If I could take it back I would in an instant. I don't want you to think that I have been trying to do that all along. I know I find you attractive and I think you feel the same about me on some level, but I understand that you might not be ready for something like that or want to do anything about it.
I just hope we could go back to how we were this morning. Above all I want you to feel comfortable and relaxed here and I am sorry that I have made you uncomfortable. I won't deny that I would like our relationship to be more than friends but if that is all you are happy with I will gladly take that than not having you around at all.
Please forgive me
Justin read and reread the letter a number of times, he wasn't sure if it would help but he had to do something and he wasn't sure he could say all this to Alex or that he would listen to him, not that he knew Alex would read the letter either. It was after midnight by the time Justin felt that he was happy with the letter. He tip-toed down to Alex's room and guessed that Alex was still up as he could see light under the door, so he slid the letter under the door and quickly went back upstairs.
When Alex got into his room he lay down on the bed and started to think about the things going around his head. He knew he had finally come to terms with being gay but what was next? Thinking logically, he knew that the next step would be to do just what Justin had done to him. It wasn't like the kiss was bad, and he did find Justin attractive, he had already told Justin he thought he was a stud. Nor was it a case that Justin didn't fancy him, he had already been told that he did. So what was it that had freaked him out?
Alex fell asleep still pondering what had happened. When he woke up the light was still on and the sun was coming through the window. Alex looked at his watch and noticed it was only half six in the morning and that he was still fully clothed. He got up and switched off the light before going to the bathroom to empty his bladder. After he finished with the toilet he undressed and got in the shower. Having dried he went back into the bedroom to get dressed, on his way he noticed a slip paper on the floor. He picked it up and realised it was a letter from Justin.
The letter surprised Alex, he realised that they had both been blaming themselves over what had happened. He put the letter down in a safe place and then got dressed before going down to the kitchen to see if Sarah was there to change the dressing.
"Good morning, you're up early." Sarah didn't want to pry into why the boys were so quiet the night before, she knew how moody boys could get but hoped these two would quickly sort out their problem before she or Simon had to get involved.
"I fell asleep early last night, I guess I wasn't as tired as I thought. Are you able to change my bandage again?"
"Yeah no worries, but I would like to take you to a doctor to see who long the bandage needs to stay on for, besides we also need to know when the stitches need to come out."
"Martha called last night to see how the appointment went, I told her you were down to see him again next week. Do you want your breakfast now or you gonna wait a bit?"
"I think I'll wait a little while. You know if Justin's up yet?"
"I doubt it, on a normal day he doesn't surface too early unless I call him. Was there something you wanted him for?"
"No it can wait. I'll, um, be back a little later for my breakfast." Alex went back upstairs and looked for something to write a note for Justin. When he found what he was looking for he quickly wrote out a note telling Justin he needed to talk to him, then quietly went up and pushed the note under Justin's door.
Justin hadn't slept well all night through worrying about what Alex would think of him. He was laying there when he heard someone on the stairs outside his door. He lay there for a while before he finally got up, then he paid a visit to the bathroom without going near the door to downstairs. Like Alex, Justin jumped in the shower and found the note when he was getting dressed.
Justin felt apprehensive about what the note would contain, he expected bad news. When he read the note that only said they needed to talk, Justin became really nervous about what was going to happen. He slowly walked down towards Alex's room and knocked on the door.
Alex had been expecting Justin when he had heard him on the stairs.
"Come in." Justin went in hoping this was not going to be as bad as he had imagined during the night. "I think we need to talk about yesterday and I would appreciate it if you allowed me to say what I need to."
"Ok." Even though he only said one word Alex could hear the despair in Justin's voice, as well as see it written all over his face.
"I want to apologise. I shouldn't have reacted like that. I wasn't expecting you to kiss me and if I'm honest it freaked me out a good bit."
"Please let me finish. I spent a lot of time last night thinking, and by reading your letter I'd say you did the same thing. I want you to know that I've enjoyed the cwtching we've done, but I'm not sure I'm ready for anything else. I know that if I am to be happy with someone, then one day I will have to do more than cwtch with them. I don't know when I'll be ready to make the next step. I just want you to know that I don't blame you."
"Um......So you don't hate me?"
"No, after all you've done for me, I couldn't hate you. I don't even blame you, you told me you fancied me, it's only natural you'd want to do things."
"I thought I might have upset you so bad you were going to cut up again. I don't think I would have forgiven myself if you had."
"I wasn't even close to it. I realised the kiss wasn't a bad thing. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did but like I said I wasn't ready for it. If I was to start a relationship with you or any other guy I would need to take things really slow." Justin's head wasn't in such a spin that he couldn't pick up on the part about being in a relationship.
"All I know right now is that I fancy you, I want to do with you what most couples do but I understand that you're going to need time. So what's next?"
"How about we carry on like we have done and if I feel uncomfortable about something I'll tell you and we can talk about it rather than have a drama like this one over a kiss."
"So we can be like boyfriends, is that what you mean?"
"Yeah, only like I said, I'll need to take things slowly." Justin pulled Alex into a cwtch, as he was holding Alex there were tears rolling down Justin's face. When they let each other go they looked at each other and smiled.
"You don't know how happy you have made me. I promise I will ask before I do anything in future."
"You might want a quick wash before we go down and get breakfast."
"Sure, I suddenly feel starved."
After splashing some water on his face to take away the tear tracks, both boys went down to get breakfast feeling a lot lighter than they had earlier.
I am sure he won't mind me doing this, but I have been reading a really good story by Paul Jamison. It can be found here I highly recommend it.
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