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Into the Lion's Den

A story by e

© 2002 SunShine DayDreamers UnLimited

DISCLAIMER: This story contains descriptions of sexual encounters between minors that are homosexual in nature. If offended by such things or if you are not of legal age in the country where you live, then read no further. The characters and events depicted in this story are completely fictional and any resemblance to any real persons, places, or events is purely coincidental. This story may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the author.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Joey's Story is meant to be read after Into the Lion's Den, Chapter 6.

This chapter also deals with the act of suicide. If you are or think you may become suicidal, do not read this chapter, please call for help. In the USA you can call the Nine line sponsored by Covenant House – 1-800-999-9999. I have also listed links at the end of this chapter to several websites where you can find further information pertaining to teenage suicide. I am not affiliated with any of these sites or the hotline numbers listed above.

Chapter 6b: Joey's Story

"You know, Mike, I haven't had a best friend since... Well, probably never. Would you be my best friend? I wouldn't really have to be yours." I was sitting on Mike's bed, in his room in the basement of his aunt's house. Mike was sitting on his chair with his feet on the bed, facing me. He had invited me to spend the night. His older cousins, Cliff and James had been watching TV with us. It was a late night sci-fi flick, "Robinson Crusoe on Mars." Made about ten years ago. A "B" movie, but not bad. Anyway the movie ended about 1am and his cousins had gone upstairs to bed. We had moved to Mike's bedroom and had been talking for about 15 minutes.

"I thought Chris was your best friend." Mike had kind of scrunched his eyebrows together giving me a rather questioning look.

"He's a good friend, the only other real friend I've got. But I'd rather have you for a best friend."

"How come?"

Mike never makes anything easy. He always needs to know more. And he always chooses the hard way to do things. Sometimes, it's what I like best about him, but other times, he can be downright irritating. I could tell this was gonna be one of those irritating times. I really didn't want to talk down about Chris. I've been spending too much of my time trying to build Chris up and get them back together.

"Because you're more dedicated to your friends than he is."

"You mean I wouldn't run away from you and leave you hanging out to dry."

"You know that's not fair, Mike. Chris didn't want you to get hurt." I was trying to look disgusted. "Can't you just forgive him and move on?"

"If he asks for it, I can forgive him. But he's got to prove himself if he wants me back."

Damn, why did we have to end up talking about Chris? Now Mike was all bummed out. I wanted to make him feel better and I had just bummed him out.

"But you won't even say how he can do it."

"He's gonna have to figure that one out for himself. I can't just tell him what to do 'cause I don't know." Mike sighed and looked down at his feet. "But you can't tell me you've never had a best friend before."

Oh thank God we were gonna get back to that and not dwell on Chris. It was like he read my mind, then again, maybe he didn't want to talk about Chris either.

"Yeah, I had a best friend once." I'd almost rather talk about Chris than what happened with that.

"So what happened, he move away or something?"

"Yeah, um, no, I mean, sort of..." We both started laughing a little at my awkwardness. I was never very good at talking about myself. I hadn't had much practice. "I'm the one that moved, but something happened before that." Now I was the one looking at Mike's feet. He wasn't wearing any socks and I couldn't help but notice how perfect his toenails were. God Joey, you are weird. You're trying to have a serious conversation and all you can think of is how much Mike's feet turn you on. But for a second or two that's all I could think of. His toes were perfect, too. Long and slender and straight, not crooked like some guys I'd seen. He obviously took care of them.

"So you gonna tell me about him or are you just gonna drool all over my feet?" Mike had a great big shit eating grin and chuckled a bit.

I could feel my face turning red. I looked away from him and brought my right hand to cover my eyes. "I... I... I'm sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry for. You can look all you want. Hell, I'll even let you suck my toes if you want. Long as you promise not to get a boner and don't go above the ankles." Mike was laughing hard now. He had grabbed his sides.

"Well, I might not go above the ankles, but it's a little late for that other thing." Now he had me smiling. It was easier to tell Mike I had a hard on than it was to talk about my best friend.

Mike stretched out his leg and moved his foot until it landed gently in my crotch. "Oh God, you do." He giggled some more and rubbed my boner with his foot.

"Fuck, Mike, I'm gonna cum if you keep that up." I had to grab his foot with both hands to stop him. I took a couple deep breaths trying to stay under control. It was really tough since his foot had remained on my cock.

"Damn Joey, you really are about to cum." He pulled his foot away and lowered it to the bed beside me. "Fuckin' pervert."

"Shit Mike, your the first one except for Chris to touch me there. I... I... I didn't mean to..." Dammit, he'll never be my best friend now. Why do I always fucking blow things. I could feel a tear building up in my eye. I felt like I was shaking.

"Relax Joey, I was just kidding around. Havin' a little fun. I think it's neat that I turn you on so much." He was grinning and laughing again.

"Fuck Mike, you don't know how hard it is."

"Wrong, Joey, I DO KNOW how hard it is." Mike doubled over with laughter and slid right out of his chair. His butt made a thud as he hit the floor and the chair fell on top of him.

"Ouch! Dammit!" He just continued laughing as he rolled onto his side and began rubbing his butt.

"Want me to kiss it and make it better?" I move onto my hands and knees towards the edge of the bed. It was my turn to laugh.

"Yeah." He got to his knees and raised his butt towards my face.

I leaned forward and planted my lips on the right cheek.

"Damn Joey. I can't take you anywhere." He moved away and sat back in the chair.

I returned to my original position sitting on the bed, leaning against the wall and looking at him. "God Mike, you are such a tease." I put my hands in my lap trying to cover my erection.

"Only because I know I can, Joey." I just loved that smile of his. It was so bright, so sexy.

"I should stop trying to get you back together with Chris and work on getting some of you for myself."

"Yeah well, the ONLY way that would work is IF you were the only other fag in school AND if you have the biggest dick in the whole school." He just kept on smiling.

"But I AM! And I DO!" Oh shit Joey. How stupid can you be. He's baiting you again. I put my hands over my face to hide my shame at falling for that one.

"So, let's hear about this friend of yours." He was suddenly serious again.

"Well, I don't really know where to begin."

"The beginning is usually a good place." He smiled.

I just shook my head. "All right." I sighed.

"Van had just moved into the neighborhood and I was riding my bike down the street when I saw him carrying a bag of garbage out to the curb. I stopped and we chatted. We were in the second grade and were best friends from that moment on. We did everything together. Rode bikes. Played with army men and toy trucks. He even got me to join little league with him one year. I was terrible and refused to play the next year, but that was how close we were. We'd do things we didn't even like just because the other one was doing it. Even though he lived across the street, we spent the night at each other's house nearly every weekend from the fourth grade on. We even went with each other's family on vacations in the summer. I didn't need other friends and never really made any. Van was enough."

I took a deep breath before continuing. By the time we got to seventh grade my whole life centered around Van. Without him I was hopeless, vulnerable. With him I could be strong, confident.

"But it all started to fall apart when we began seventh grade. That was when I first realized I was in love with him."

"Oh shit." Mike swallow hard. "You told him?"

"Just listen, ok?"

I was nervous as Hell. Today was the first day we were required to dress for gym class. I got off the bus, books in one hand, gym bag in the other, and headed for my locker. Gym was first period and I was in no hurry to get there.

I had never been naked in front of anyone before. I'd never seen anyone naked before. I had seen Van and a couple other guys in their underwear before. But that was it. Just thinking about changing in front of the other guys had given me a boner and if just thinking about it could make me hard, what would it do in real life?

I dumped my books in my locker and headed down the hall towards the locker room, gym bag in hand. I remember passing some of my classmates, saying hello, but just barely. I don't think I could tell you who. Not until I stepped inside the locker room. A lot of the guys were in there already, Van included. I saw him in the corner. He had taken a spot just at the end of the last row of lockers and had begun to undress. I looked around quickly as I entered. There were several classmates in various stages of undress, but none naked. One boy, I hadn't seen him before was wearing nothing but his jock. I bit my lower lip as I got an eyeful from the front, then from the rear as he turned towards his locker. It was the first naked butt I had ever seen. And God it was cute. I swallowed and turned my eyes back towards Van.

"Joey. Hey, back here." Van was motioning for me to come in his direction.

"Hey Van." I walked past a row of lockers, not daring to look anywhere but straight ahead. There was another boy next to Van, Terry. He was just what I needed. Kind of homely looking, tall, no muscles and no tone, pale skin with little red veins running under it. Talk about ugly. That got my attention off my own dick. I looked around the corner of the row.

"Hey Lance." Johnnie Lance was a real cutie. Kind of short, silver-blond hair, green eyes that were big and round. He had a tall smile with a slight overbite, real toothy, and kind of cheeky, like a chipmunk. He was shirtless and still wearing his pants.

"Hey Joey, what's the haps?" He didn't even look up, just continued undressing.

I took the locker next to his. I was across from Van and down a few spaces. Richard, one of the most popular boys in class and one of the best athletes was next to me. Don Logan, the most popular boy and the premier athlete in our class was across from him. Logan was pulling off his pants as I opened my locker. I couldn't help but take a quick look. Fruit of the Loom briefs, tight fitting and sticking out a bit in front. The bright white fabric was a stark contrast to his golden brown tan. My eyes slowly rose from his crotch up to his navel, a bit of an innie, but just a bit. He had a nice beginning to a six pack as I continued my gaze upward. He turned towards his locker and hung his pants inside, then pulled off his socks, dropping them in the bottom of the locker. The muscles in his back rippled a little as his raised his hands to his hips, hooked his thumbs into the waistband of his briefs, then quickly bent forward, slipping his briefs over his hips and letting them drop to the floor. His butt was a little flatter than the other boy and nearly as white as his briefs. I grinned at the dimples in his cheeks and licked my lips as I stared at his crack. I could see the back of his balls hanging underneath.

Oh shit, Joey, you can't stare. But I couldn't pull my eyes away. I pretended to be looking at the floor as I lowered my head. Somehow I was undressing too and had pulled off my shoes and socks, then began unbuttoning my shirt. Don turned back towards me and I gasped, hoping no one could hear as I saw my first naked cock. It was smaller than mine, and hairless. Pinkish colored with a reddish pink head capping it off. A small wrinkled sack hung underneath. His balls were smaller too. Don hadn't yet hit puberty. But it didn't matter. I watched as his little thing dangled and bounced from side to side as he took his jock strap from his gym bag, untangled it and stepped inside. I felt myself shiver as he used his hand to adjust himself after pulling it up.

By some miracle, I hadn't gone hard. I looked over at Van who had already changed into his gym shorts and was pulling on his t-shirt. He was looking at me and smiled.

Oh shit! Had he been watching me all this time? Had he seen me staring at Don. Oh no. He couldn't have, could he? Please don't let him have noticed. I took a deep breath. He hadn't said anything. Neither had anyone else. Another breath. No. They couldn't have noticed. Someone would have said something. Someone would have called me a fag by now.

I turned back just in time to see Richard's hairless weiner disappear inside his jock. It might have been even smaller than Don's although Richard was much bigger. I swallowed. Oh God, please don't let me get hard. I could feel a stirring in my briefs. As quickly as I could I yanked off my pants, grabbed my jock from my gym bag and turned towards my locker. I set my jock on the shelf, stepped out of my undies and practically tripped over my jock as I quickly pulled it on. I had to turn back towards the bench to get my shorts, but with my dick safely tucked into my tight-fitting jock, it would be hard for anyone to notice that I was nearly half hard. I looked up to see two other boys near the end of the row, their little weenies wiggling as they fought with their jocks, trying to get them on. Was I the only boy in my class with pubic hair?

Gym class itself was almost as bad. We played flag football. A sport at which I was pretty pathetic. I played receiver. The quarterback threw the ball to me once, right at the end of the game. It hit me in the chest and bounced harmlessly away. I'd been standing in the end zone. We lost by one touchdown. Everybody yelled at me.

On the way back into the locker room, Van caught up with me.

"Don't worry about it, man." He put his hand on my shoulder.

"Easy for you to say. Your team won."

"Yeah, well, some of us got it, some of us don't."

"You're not making me feel any better."

"Didn't know I was supposed to."

I smiled at him.

"Just one hint, man."

I looked over at him.

"Don't stare at the dudes in the locker room. Someone will think you're queer." He gave me a shove and started to jog ahead.

"I wasn't staring."

Van turned back towards me. "Yeah, right."

"It's just... Dammit Van, I never seen nobody else naked before."

"Yeah, well, if you're curious, you glance over, quickly, man. So nobody notices." He turned back and took off running.

I just stopped an hung my head. Did my best friend think I was a fag? I closed my eyes. Oh God, that's all I need.

Mike was chuckling. "You got caught looking your very first day. That's funny, Joey."

"Yeah well, I didn't think so." I slapped playfully at the top of his foot.

Mike responded by using his foot to shove my thigh.

"And you never stared at another guy?" I wanted to hear him deny it.

"Of course I did, still do sometimes."

"And no one ever caught you?"

"Nope, I'm too smart for that. Besides, even if someone noticed, no one ever suspected me of anything. Not 'til I came to your rescue, anyway."

I sighed, damn, he'll probably never let me forget about THAT. "So what do you mean you're too smart?"

Mike smiled. "Like your friend told you, you glance. You don't let your eyes linger very long. But if you want a really good look. Then start talking to the guy. That way you got a reason to look at him. Or follow him into the showers, take the one next to him or across from him."

"Yeah, I learned how to look without being caught, eventually."

"So what was Van like? You had to see him, right?"

I smiled, "Of course I did."

I hurried on into the locker room. I didn't want to be late for my next class and the coach had only given us ten minutes to change and shower. As I entered I noticed that at least I wasn't the only guy with pubes. I didn't even have the most. Randy and Tom were changing on the isle facing the door as I entered. Randy was standing there with a towel over his shoulder talking to another guy, and Tom was stripping off his jock. Both guys had nice v-shaped bushes and long thick dicks. They were about the same size, a bit longer and thicker than my own. Randy's was darker, Tom's was the same pinkish color as the rest of his skin. Remembering what Van said, I didn't look too long, just glancing as I walked by.

I looked up at Van as I shifted my glance. He was standing in his jock. He smiled and yanked it down. I'd swear he did it just so he could watch my reaction as I looked. His balls hung a lot lower than his dick did. They were bigger around than Don's or Richard's, but his penis was about the same length as Don's and was a light brown color. I glanced up at him and smiled. He mouthed the words "don't stare" as I walked by. I quickly looked over at Don. He had a towel wrapped around his waist and was headed towards the shower. Richard had his butt towards me as he pulled off his jock.

I untied my shoes, loosened the laces and kicked them off as I pulled my t-shirt over my head. I was running late and needed to hurry. My socks were next and then quickly, my shorts and jock. I grabbed my towel and wrapped it around my waist as I began my way to the showers.

Oh God, it was fucking paradise. Ten shower heads, ten naked twelve year olds, with about a half dozen more standing outside the shower room with towels around their waists waiting their turn. Some weren't much of a turn on, but Don, Richard, Tom, Randy, Lance, and Van, oh man. I had to turn away after a very quick glance around the room. I could feel myself starting to come to life. No Joey, no Joey, no Joey. Take a deep breath. Think of something else. Anything else. Teresa Lynch. Another deep breath. Teresa Lynch naked. Oh God, yes. That's going to work. She had to be the ugliest thing on legs. The only way she could have been worse was if she was fat. She had long stringy hair, always kind of matted together. It was sort of brownish, but it she would just wash it, it might be blond. Thick lips and sagging jowls gave her a constant frown. I don't think she ever closed her mouth. Pimples, too. Lot's of them. Flat chest, skinny, scrawny body. I'd seen her in a bathing suit last summer at the pool. I nearly lost my lunch.

"You look like you're gonna throw up." Van gave me a swat on the butt that caused my towel to fall to the floor.

"Asshole." I said as I bent down to pick it up.

A couple of the guys whistled. Van laughed as he dried himself. His dick swaying back and forth. He was looking at me.

"Fuck, Joey. Just put the towel on the hook and get your shower."

"Just what the fuck is so funny?"

Mike was laughing again. "I'm just trying to picture you standing there naked with a bunch of guys looking at your asshole while you bent over to pick up your towel." Mike's tongue was sticking out he was laughing so hard.

"Yeah, you want to imagine my asshole? You ain't gonna have to imagine." I rolled on my side and quickly unsnapped my jeans, yanking them down while I pushed my butt into the air.


"OWWW!" I fell forward as Mike slapped my butt. Thud! My head bumped the wall. "FUCK!" I rolled over onto my back. My pants and underwear were at mid thigh and I felt my dick slap against my leg.

Mike lunged forward and grabbed my pants. He was too quick. I didn't realize what he was doing until it was too late. He yanked off my pants and underwear in one quick motion, jerking me across the bed towards him as he did.

"What the fuck are you doin'?" I was trying to sound angry, but was laughing too hard.

"Pantsing you, you stupid son of a bitch." He was laughing too and then grabbed my t-shirt and jerked it up over my head.

I couldn't see because my shirt was covering my eyes. He didn't yank it off. Instead he used it to bind my arms and hold them over my head.

"Please Mike, let me up." He just laughed harder. "Aw, c'mon, Mike, this is embarrassing. I'm getting a hard on."

"That's what you get for mooning me. I'm gonna stick around to watch the sunrise." He really thought that was funny and laughed even harder.

"Miiiiike!" My protests were only half-hearted ones. I was really hoping he would reach out and touch me. Oh God, PLEASE! But the hand I desperately wanted to feel wrap itself around my growing hardness never came. I continued to grow. I felt my cock roll off my thigh and scoot its way up my abdomen. I was fully erect. I couldn't see him, of course, but I could feel his eyes on my dick.

"Damn Joey. That's fucking huge! Awesome!"

I still couldn't see. I didn't need to. I was panting, not only from the struggle, but from the excitement.

"That's the biggest, most awesome thing I've ever seen! Fuck Joey, I never even dreamed of one so big!"

OH shit the excitement in his voice had done it. I felt my balls being drawn up, tightening. My dick throbbed, once, twice. I gasped and then I exploded.

"Uhhhhggg!" I damn near choked. "UUUUHHHGGGG!" I could feel the jets of cum leaving my body, landing on my chest. "Aaaaahhhhhh!" One final gasp. My whole body went limp. I slithered out from under Mike's grasp. My shirt popping off my head as I did. I was free, but I was too fucking exhausted to move.

"Fuck! Joey that was fuckin' awesome, man. Unfucking believable. I mean, damn. That was some kinda explosion! Cum flyin' everywhere. I've seen you in the showers, but you were soft. I thought it was huge then. But I never thought... well... it was, like that!"

I looked up at him, still out of breath. A smile crept across my face. Mike was smiling. I could tell that he really enjoyed the show. Usually I was embarrassed about the size of my dick. But Mike had a way of making me feel proud, too.

"Damn, Joey." He was looking at me, watching my dick get soft, looking at the sperm puddles on my chest and stomach.

"Throw me my underwear, man, so I can wipe myself off. Unless you want to clean me up." I was grinning hopefully.

Mike just laughed. "Still fuckin' horny after all that?"

"Always, man, always." I chuckled.

Mike hopped off the bed and pulled my briefs out of my pants and tossed them to me. I wiped up and threw the messy things back into the floor.

"I gotta take a leak, man."

"Go for it."

I walked naked across the basement to the bathroom. When I came out, Mike was standing by the door to the backyard. It was open.

"Nice night."

"Yeah, let's head out to the cabana. You can finish your story." He stepped outside and I followed.

"You're not getting' dressed?"

"Nah, I told you before. I like walking outside naked. You ought to try it."

Mike smiled as we reached the cabana. "I have, man." He pulled his shirt over his head, then dropped his pants. We both sat naked on the picnic table, looking out at the moon and the stars.

For the next several months, I kept wondering about myself, my sexuality. Was I gay? I wasn't sure. But I was. Sure that is. I was gay. I didn't want to be. I wasn't really even sure what it meant. But I knew it wasn't good. I didn't like it and I was beginning not to like myself. I was also anxious, afraid someone might discover my secret.

I really liked looking at my friends in the locker room. Even the fat kids. I was fascinated by all the different shapes and sizes. Some guys had little short ones, all wrinkled and pulled up to their bodies. Usually their balls were tight. Almost to the point of looking like there was one big testicle inside instead of two smaller ones. Other guys were more like smaller versions of me. Long ones, thick and full looking. Almost hard, even when they were soft. Sometimes their balls were tight, too. But on others, they hung lower and longer. I liked looking at those kind of balls more. I wished mine hung more like that, instead they are usually sort of semi-tight. If my balls just hung lower, my dick might look more normal. Well, not really, The only way to make that thing look normal would be to cut about half of it off. Then it would be more like those small and wrinkled ones. I bet the smaller, more wrinkled ones grew more when they got hard than the thick, fuller-looking one grew. There was even one boy who was uncircumcised. The first time I saw it, I thought something was wrong with it. It looked like his whole dick head had been cut off. Later I found out that it was the rest of us who weren't normal.

I liked watching my friends develop, too. There had been only three of us with pubic hair that first day, but by Christmas, about a third of the class had them. Van's dick had really grown. It was hanging lower than his testicles now and had a really nice patch of hair above it. It was about the same size as mine, but a little thinner. His dick head fit nicely on the end. Mine looked like it was about three sizes too big. Mine had a huge ridge on the back. Van's was almost flat. His balls looked bigger than mine, too. They definitely hung lower.

"So whatcha thinkin' 'bout?" I was at Van's house, laying on his bed. We were looking at a Playboy he had gotten from some older kid. It was a birthday present. Van had just turned thirteen.

I gave him one of those "You gotta be kidding" looks. There was only one thing either of us was thinking about and that was how Goddamn horny we were.

"Betcha got a hard on." He was smiling.

"Bet you do too."

"Sure do, wanna see?" He jumped up off the bed and started undoing his pants.

"What the fuck are you doin'?" I had rolled over onto my side and was looking at him.

"You wanna see it don'tcha?" He pulled them over his hips along with his underwear. "You're always looking at it in the locker room."

"Uh." I grunted and swallowed. I couldn't belive this.

I heard it slap up against his stomach as it sprang free of his underwear. He had turned away from me and I was getting a good view of the back of his balls hanging below the cheeks of his ass. Van straightened up as he kicked off his pants. His hand reached in front and it was obvious he was playing with himself. He turned towards me, stroked himself a couple of times, then let go of his dick.

"Jesus Christ, Van." My eyes were wide. I had dreamed of this ever since the first time I had seen him naked.

"Pretty big, huh?" He flopped down on the bed beside me.

"Uh, yeah." I figured that his was about the same as mine, but much thinner. It had been a little thinner when limp, but didn't seem to have gotten thicker as it grew. I was still looking at it as he rolled onto his side, facing me and took it into his hand once again.

"So you gonna join me or what?"

"Join you?" I hadn't actually thought of taking off my clothes. I took a breath.

"Well you are gonna beat off aren't you?" Van's hand had stopped working his dick, though he didn't let go.

"Uh, yeah, I guess." I rolled off the other side of his bed and slowly began to remove my clothes.

I wasn't really sure what he meant by "beat off." I'd heard guys talking about it. But I didn't really know how. In sex ed, they told us that sperm would come out when you masturbate, but it had never happened with me. I wondered if Van could do it.

God Joey, what if he can and you can't? You'll never hear the end of it. But you can't back out, if you do he'll tease you for that. Van was always teasing me. Mostly it was just fun, his way of getting me to do things I really didn't want to do. But once in a while, he could get carried away.

I was really nervous as I turned to face him. I didn't know what to do. I just hoped I could make it happen. I had been having wet dreams for a few weeks, at least I thought that's what it was. I'd wake up in the morning with a hard on or my underwear would be wet and sticky. But I hadn't ever been able to cum on my own.

"Damn Joey, yours is as big as mine." He was looking down at me.

My hard on was pointing out at him. It didn't stand up the way his did.

"Come here, stick it next to mine. Let's see who's bigger." Van stepped towards me. He pointed his dick at me and moved so we were standing together.

I grasped mine in my right hand and moved it next to his. They touched. I gasped and Van looked at me. I was so nervous. I didn't want him to think I was some kind of weirdo. But at the same time, I wanted him to know that I was gay. I wanted to know if he was. He had to be, didn't he? I mean, this was his idea. He was the one that moved over and put his dick up against mine. He had to be. But I couldn't speak. I just stood there.

"Yup, same size." He stepped back and flopped onto his bed. He looked up at me. "Well, let's do it." He patted the bed next to him with his hand indicating that I should lay next to him.

I did and he put the magazine between us, opening it back to the centerfold. I looked over at him and he was stroking himself up and down at a nice pace. I marveled at how his balls seemed to jump up and down as he pulled his boyhood. I didn't do it the same way he did. I just kind of reached over my dick head with my fingers, gripped the skin underneath, and twisted it back and forth. I glanced at his face. Was he looking at the magazine, or was he looking at me? I couldn't tell. I saw him lick his lips.

I wanted to kiss him. Every fiber of my body wanted me to kiss him. But I didn't have the courage. I was shaking. It was driving me crazy. I bit my lower lip.

Van quickened his pace. He rolled from his side to his back and switched to his right hand, using his left to pull on his sack. I gasped a bit as he stretched it out and rolled the skin between his fingers. That was how I liked to do it too. His breathing was faster now. His right hand flying. I couldn't believe how fast he was going. I was moving my hand faster, too, but it was the same twisting motion I had started with. I shivered. Suddenly Van's hips thrust into the air.

"Aaaahhh! Aaaahhhhh! Aaaah!" A long rope of white goo came squirting out. It went about a foot into the air and splashed down onto his chest. Then a second. Finally a third. His hips rising and then falling with each shot. Van collapsed back onto the bed, his breathing heavy. "Ohhh yeah! God I needed that."

"Damn Van, that was hot." I didn't know what else to say. It was certainly the most amazing thing I'd ever seen.

Van looked up at me and smiled. "Your turn, man."

My turn. And with Van watching. He was definitely looking at my dick now. Shit. What if I couldn't do it. Just concentrate, Joey. Suddenly it occurred to me to do what I had just seen him do. I could pull up and down on it. Maybe that was it. Maybe I'd just been doing it wrong.

I changed my grip and started sliding my fingers up and down the length of my shaft. I took a deep breath, yeah, that felt good. This had to be the way. But Van was still different somehow. I tried to picture what he'd been doing. That's it! He was gripping tighter, pulling the skin along with his fingers instead of just sliding them over it. I tried it. Oh yes, this was easier. It took a few seconds to get comfortable with it, then I increased my pace. I was breathing harder too. I closed my eyes. I tried to imagine that Van was still stroking his cock. I opened my eyes and looked at him. His eyes were fixed on my crotch. I looked at his. It was soft now, but still really hot-looking. I hadn't seen the underside of it before. I noticed the streaks of cum still on his chest and stomach.

Then I felt a tightening in my groin. I gasped. I thought I was going to pee. I started to get up, then realized that it wasn't pee. Oh god I was going to cum. "Uhh!" I felt the first jet fly from my penis. A wave of pleasure caused me to shudder. I looked down at myself. There was a small white puddle next to my navel. "Uhhhh!" A second squirt just kind of dribbled out. I lay on the bed panting as my hand slowed its motion. I hadn't really shot much. But God did it feel good. I was drained.

"Cool Joey. For a while, I didn't think you could do it yet." Van was smiling at me. He sat up, throwing his feet off the bed. Then he lunged forward and grabbed his underwear, mine too, and tossed them to me. He began wiping himself off with his and I did the same. "I always wonder what my mom thinks when she finds my underwear all stuck together."

Now that was a thought that hadn't occurred to me. I'd have to make sure my mom wouldn't find out. "You think she knows?"

"Don't know. She never says anything." Van tossed his undies onto the floor and pulled down the bed covers. "I'm ready for some shuteye, how 'bout you?"

"You're not gonna put something on first?" I'd never known Van to sleep naked before. He'd just started sleeping in his underwear a couple of months ago. Before that we always wore PJs.

"Wearing a pair of gooey underwear to bed isn't exactly my idea of comfort." He got under the sheets and pulled them over him.

I just shrugged and got into bed next to him. We each rolled over, our backs now to each other. I was hardly ready for sleep. I was still in disbelief. I had just had my first orgasm, jacking off with the boy of my dreams, and now I was sleeping next to him, naked. I was hard again, too.

I was sitting on the bench, leaning back against the picnic table. Mike was sitting on the table, his feet on the bench. He was smiling down at me.

"So your first orgasm was in front of another boy?" He continued grinning.

"Yeah, It really felt weird doing it with someone watching, but at least I was able to figure out how." I could feel my face turning red, though it wasn't likely Mike would be able to tell in the dark.

"It's hard to imagine that you, of all people, Captain Jackoff himself, not knowing how."

"Well damn, Mike, how did you figure it out?" Maybe I could turn the tables a little bit.

"I was just laying in bed one night. Thinking about stuff and slowly stroking myself. I'd been playing with it for about an hour. The next thing I knew, it just started throbbing and stuff just squirted out. I gasped a little, I guess. At first I was surprised. Then I realized what happened. Nothing too dramatic."

"You mean it was just an accident?" Fuck, Mike would luck into it. I'd actually tried a few times before that night at Van's and couldn't figure it out.

"Not really, I'd been trying. A couple times that evening, but not when it actually happened. I just thought if I played with it long enough, I'd have to cum. I mean, you can't stay hard forever. So when did you tell Van you loved him?"

"Well, it was about a year and a half later. We eventually started jacking off together every time we slept over, but it took a while, at first. I bet it was at least three weeks before we did it together again."

"Your idea or his?"

"His. I didn't want to seem gay so I just waited to see if he would bring it up again. He did and pretty soon it was every weekend. Then sometimes even during the week, after school. He's the one who got me started doing it in the woods." I laughed and so did Mike. "It was driving me nuts, though. Always seeing him naked, hard, and playing with himself..."

"Damn Joey, you'd think by now it would be burned into your memory." We were both laying on Van's bed, playing with ourselves.

Shit! Caught again. "Um, sorry." I looked away quickly. That familiar feeling of anxiety that I got in the pit of my stomach whenever Van and I jacked off together was returning.

Van was laughing. "No biggie. It's just that you're always looking. Like maybe you wanna do more."

Omigod! He knows. I gasped for breath. My heart was pounding. Do I tell him? Oh God! Do I? I could feel myself trembling. Sweat beading up on my forehead.

"You ok?" Van was looking right at me.

I nodded. I couldn't talk. I was gonna do it. I was gonna tell him. He wouldn't have said that if he didn't want more. Oh God, he wanted more. This is it Joey. Fourteen years old, starting the ninth grade and you are going to lose your virginity tonight.

I closed my eyes and took a breath. Van was still looking at me when I opened them. "I love you, Van."

"WHAT?" He scrunched up his nose, his eyebrows furrowed, and his mouth dropped open. He turned towards me, moving away at the same time.

Oh God Joey. What did you just do. He fucking hates you now. My lips quivered and I was breathing through my mouth, or at least trying to. I felt like I was suffocating. I was helpless, powerless now. I had just opened myself up to him and he was going to reject me.

"What the fuck did you say?" Van was staring at me. Cold and hard. His eyes tearing right through me.

"I'm... I'm... I'm... sorry." I was choking on the words. My only hope was that he really hadn't heard, but I knew he had. Maybe he'd just forget it and move on.

"No. No fucking way, Joey. No fucking way." He slid off the bed and was standing up, he turned and stepped towards his clothes.

I couldn't talk. I couldn't breath. I wanted to cry. I couldn't even do that.

"You're fuckin' sick, Joey. Just get the fuck away from me."

"B... b... but... but Van..." I was hopeless now, rendered powerless by my best friend. My life had just ended.

"Now Joey. Get fucking dressed and get the fuck out. I can't believe you. All this time... you've... you've been fucking thinking about me. That's fucking sick!" Van was pointing at the door. He'd already pulled his pants on.

I slipped out of bed and picked up my underwear. Tears were finally starting to drop from my eyes.

"Hurry your fucking sorry ass up, man. I don't want you around here no fucking more."

I sniffled as I put on my pants. I couldn't see. I still couldn't breath. Oh God I think I need to throw up. I fought against it. I grabbed my shoes and my shirt and ran from the room. I heard Van behind me. I got to the door and turned around. "P... p... p... pl... please." Tears were streaming down my face. Snot running from my nose.

"Don't forget this." He threw my bag at me. It bounced off me and hit the floor. "I don't want any excuses for you to come back."

I grabbed it, threw the door open and ran out. Halfway down his front yard I fell to my knees. "Uuuuurrrrhhhuuuuuhhhhggg." Whatever was left in my stomach from dinner was now on the lawn. "Uuuuuhhhhhggggg."

"Fucking faggot!" The door slammed behind me.

My throat burned and I choked as I nearly swallowed what hadn't come out of my mouth. I spit a few times. I still couldn't catch my breath. I reached for my bag. It was covered in vomit. I was shaking as I picked it up and got to my feet. My knees were weak and I wasn't sure I could stand. Somehow I managed.

I walked across the street to my house, my head hanging, shoulders slumped, feet dragging the ground. I wanted to die.

I fished around in my pocket for my house key. I pulled it out and put it in the door. I stepped inside.

Van was right, I was sick. It was perverted, my lust for him. How could I do that to my best friend? My now ex-best friend. My now ex-only friend. I didn't have another friend. I'd never needed one. Van and I did everything together. And now, I'd blown it. Fucked up. Van was my whole life. I had no idea how to make other friends. I barely talked to anybody else in school. I needed somebody. Anybody. There was no one. I was alone. There was no reason to live anymore.

I went into the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet. My mom kept some sleeping pills in there. I grabbed the bottle and headed to my room. I got undressed. If I just lay down in bed, they'll think I'm asleep. No one will bother me. By the time they realize, It'll be too late.

I was a faggot. I had molested my best friend in spirit, if not in body. I had betrayed him. I didn't deserve to live. I wanted out.

I opened the bottles and poured some into my hand. Fuck Joey, you can't even do this right. I needed some water. I headed for the kitchen and quietly got a glass and filled it before returning to my room. I hadn't made too much noise. I picked up the pills and put some in my mouth. I put the glass to my lips and drank. Will that be enough? I don't know. Better take some more. I took the rest of the bottle, twelve, maybe fifteen pills altogether. I laid down and closed my eyes.

"Please God, have mercy on my soul."

I'm not sure when it happened, but Mike had taken me into his arms and was holding me tight. I was sitting in his lap, my head curled over and resting on his chest. I was crying. I think he was too. He was patting my back and rocking me back and forth. We were both still naked. Neither of us spoke for the longest time.

"Sun's coming up."

"Huh?" I opened my eyes and sat up, pulling myself from his grasp. I yawned.

Mike was smiling at me. He leaned in and kissed me on the forehead as I looked at him. "I'm glad you didn't die."

I smiled. "Yeah, me too." I kissed him back.

"Hey you two."

We both turned towards the house. It was Mike's Aunt Maxine. She was walking towards us. We both jumped up and tried to cover ourselves.

"Here, put these on if you're going to stay out here. It wouldn't do for the neighbors to start complaining about the naked boys in my backyard." She tossed us some pants. "In fact, put them on even if you're coming in for breakfast. We don't allow naked boys at the kitchen table."

"Oh God, we... we... we're sorry." Mike stammered out.

"OH, don't be so embarrassed. I grew up with two older brothers and have raised two sons, ya know. There's not much I haven't seen or walked in on. Though I must admit, when I caught your cousin Cliff, it was a naked GIRL in his arms."

We had both ducked behind the picnic table until she had gone back inside. I know my face was redder than the strawberries we had with our cereal for breakfast.

Mike's aunt seemed to enjoy teasing us. We tried to convince her that nothing was going on, but how do you claim innocence when you've been caught naked in someone's arms? But just when I thought she was ready to believe us, Mike asked me to come to bed with him. I did, of course, we both needed some sleep.

Mike bounded down the stairs and I walked slowly behind. He seemed to have way too much energy after being up all night. By the time I caught up to him in his room, he was tossing his pants aside and standing in his underwear.

Mike was gorgeous. He was tall and athletic, with smooth skin and rippling muscles. Oh God. I just realized that I had spent much of the night naked in his arms. I shuddered and felt myself starting to get hard. I watched lustfully as he pushed his briefs over his hips, let them drop to the floor, and stepped out of them. I fought off the strangest urge to grab him by the waist, drop to my knees and kiss his ass. I licked my lips. I swear if he hadn't turned around, I would have done it.

"So what are you waiting for? Get undressed and get in bed."

I took a breath. This gorgeous hunk was inviting me into bed with him.

"Um, I thought I'd sleep on the couch." There was a couch across the basement. It's where I had intended to sleep last night. Mike only had a single bed.

"You mean you'd pass on a chance to hop in bed with me?" God I loved his smile.

"Um... well... I... uh..."

He laughed. "Captain Jackoff is horny again, isn't he?"

My face flushed so quickly I thought I'd caught fire.

"It's ok, Joey. I don't mind if you really want to. You can do it beside me if you want."

I must have looked so dumb, just standing there, mouth wide open, trembling.

"Your choice." He jumped into bed and pulled the covers over him.

My mind was numb. I felt my body moving, my feet kicking off my shoes, my hands unsnapping my pants, pushing them down. My breath was short and I felt my heart doing flip-flops in my chest. I moved towards the bed.


Oh shit here it comes. He was just messing with me.

"Grab your undies, that way you won't make a mess on the sheets." Mike was pointing towards my underwear and smiling.

I picked them off the floor and got into bed. Mike pulled the covers over us. I was on my side and he snuggled up from behind, wrapping his arm around me. I felt his hand on my chest. I lay there, not daring to move, but the throbbing between my legs was calling. But that wasn't the only throbbing I felt. It seemed that Mike was just as hard as I was.

"Go ahead, Joey. I'll hold you while you do it."

"You don't want to watch?" For some reason I thought he would.

"Do you want me to?"

I nodded.

"Then I will." He scooted up just a bit so he could see over my shoulder and threw the covers back.

I put my undies down on the bed under my cock and took it into my hand. It took only a few seconds, not more than a half dozen strokes before I emptied my balls onto my briefs.

Mike kissed my neck as I shot. I felt him press himself against me. I wiped off my dick and started to toss my undies onto the floor.

"No. Wait."

I stopped before they left my hand.

"I think I might need them." I felt him roll away from me onto his back.

I turned towards him. He already had his dick in his hand and was furiously stroking himself. He didn't last long either. I dropped my briefs onto his chest covering some of the spots of semen that were dotting him from nipples to thighs. He used them to wipe himself, then tossed them away. Again he rolled up against me as I settled back onto my side. He wrapped his arm around me, gave me another kiss and soon we were both in dreamland.

It had been more than three years since I had last jacked off with Van. Three years since I had been rejected and abandoned by my best friend. But all that emptiness had just melted way. In one brief moment, Mike had proven that he not only could, but would take Van's place. I knew we would never be lovers, but he did love me. And that was enough. Mike's love was worth all the pain, all the suffering, all the heartache, and all the heartbreak that I had suffered. It was worth living for. It was worth fighting for. It was worth dying for. Chris had no idea.

I felt Mike's lips brush against my cheek as I awoke. I never wanted to leave his embrace, but I knew that he would want to get up.

"I wish I could have you for a boyfriend."

"You could, Joey, but I've got Chris."

"I know, I wouldn't want you have to settle for second best."

Mike rose up and pushed me onto my back, then straddled me, pinning my arms over my head. I swallowed as I felt his balls settle over my dick. Our stomachs touched as he leaned in real close. His lips just inches from mine.

"I wouldn't be settling and you are NOT second best. Not ever and not to anyone." His voice was strong and firm, authoritative. "It's not like that, Joey. In some ways I really want you more than I want Chris. It's just... well... there's something about Chris. I just can't give him up. I can't let go. Not yet. I love you Joey, maybe even more than I love Chris, but... I don't know. I can't explain it."

I was trying to hold back a tear. Part of me was really happy that I had Mike for a friend. Part of me was really happy that Mike loved me. Part of me was crushed because Mike couldn't be my boyfriend.

"I love you too, Mike." I reached up and wrapped my arms around him, pulling him to me. I planted my lips on his. I was overcome with lust and wanted to cram my tongue down his throat. But somehow I managed not to. It was just a friendly kiss. Just one to tell him how much I loved him. He didn't pull away. Not right away. Not until he felt a growth between our bodies.

"Oh God, Joey. I want to. You don't know how bad. But I can't." He rolled off me and slipped out of bed. He was just as hard as I was.

I licked my lips and smiled. "You wanna?" I stroked myself.

He was looking right at my cock. He's gonna say yes. He's gonna say yes. A smile crept across his face.

"I will if you tell me how big it is." He faked like he was gonna stroke himself, making an up and down motion, but didn't touch it. Oh he was evil.

I continued stroking. I was really exaggerating its length.

"Well?" His hand was at the ready. He was drooling as he watched me. He was gonna go wild if I told him.

I moved my other hand onto my dick so that I had one hand next to the other. Two hands and some to spare as I slowly teased him. For once I was in charge. I wasn't gonna give it up. He would break down and measure it himself or he wasn't gonna find out. I stuck my tongue out like I was panting. I arched my back and pumped my hips. I was gonna prove I could be just as evil as he is. I licked my lips and move one hand to my balls. I moved my fingers underneath them and lifted them from between my legs, stretching them out as I did.

He closed his eyes and let out a breath. "Ok Joey, you win this one." He began stroking himself.

I watched as he moved around just a bit. With him standing next to the bed and my laying on it, his dick was just above eye-level. I watched as his reddish-purple head appeared, then disappeared beneath his hand as he pumped away, pulling the skin of his shaft over the head as he did. His balls moved up and down in time with his hand, but seemed to be jumping of their own accord. He increased his pace, rose to his toes, thrust his hips forward...

"Aaaahhhhh!" Along white rope flew into the air and landed on the bed beside me. "Ahhh!" A second one followed, but missed the bed and plopped onto the floor. "Uuuhhhggg!"

My own balls tightened at the sight of my friend's orgasm. "Ohhhhh!" The first shot hit my chin and dripped onto my neck. "Uuuurrrrhhhh." The second ended up on my chest. "Aaaaahhhhhhhhh." The remainder of my load dribbled between my dick and my belly button. It mixed with my pubic hair and dripped down my hand. I looked up at Mike, his dick now shrinking back to normal. He was breathing hard, smiling. Beads of sweat running down his forehead.

"Oh God, Joey."

I put my hand to my mouth and licked it clean as I smiled up at him.

"Damn." Mike looked at his own hand, then did the same. He made a kind of funny face.

"You never tasted it before?"

"Only Chris'. His wasn't as bitter. "

Using my left hand I milked out the last few drops and caught them with my right. "Wanna taste?"

"That's going just a little too far, Joey." His smile grew even wider. "But I am tempted."

"How about if I get a taste of yours?" I really just wanted to see what he would say.

"If you really want to lick the floor, that's fine by me." He was chuckling now.

"There are a couple drops that haven't hit the floor just yet." I rolled to the edge of the bed. My face wasn't but a few inches from his penis and I was looking right at it and the small spots of his juice that were clinging to it and in the hair that surrounded it.

"Not a chance." He picked up his briefs from the floor and wiped himself clean. Then he really surprised me. He began wiping my cum from my chest, stomach and chin. As he did, he bent down and placed his lips against mine, licking them as he did. I wondered whether or not there was anything left on my lips for him to taste.

It would be so easy to just grab him and pull him into me. To jam my tongue into his mouth or suck his into mine. But I knew he wouldn't want that. He trusted me not to take things too far. Not to let things get out of hand. He had never trusted me like this before. Sure, he had kissed me before, but not like this. Not with him being so vulnerable. I had blown my trust with Van. I had tried to take things further than he wanted to go. I wasn't about to do that with Mike.

"It wasn't the only time, you know."

Mike shot me a questioning glance.

"That I, uh, tried to kill myself." We were walking across Branyan's farm, headed towards my house. Last night and this morning had been so much fun that I had invited Mike to spend the night with me tonight. My mother had worried about my becoming too attached, like I was with Van. But I convinced her that I had also made friends with Chris and Jeff Lewis, so I had more than one. That was the problem before. Only one friend and no one to fall back on. I'd been totally dependent on Van. Losing him had left me without a life, without a future.

Mike looked over at me. I could tell he was both worried and surprised.

"After the first time, they sent me to a mental hospital, like in 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.' Nurse Ratchet and everything."

"No way! Were you like schizo or something?"

"Nah, not schizo. They called it severe depression with psychotic features."

"Psychotic features, eh? Sounds like you're an ax murderer or something." Mike was trying to lighten things up a bit, but I could tell he was wondering about me, too. I didn't want to scare him off. I was hoping we were good enough friends that he could take this.

"The only person I was trying to kill was me."

"God, a place like that must be awful." Mike jogged three or four steps in front of me, then turned and was jogging backwards, looking at me as we spoke.

"It was like being in Hell. Step out of line and some fucking brutal orderly would strap you down. They got off on causing pain, too. Just for the hell of it. Then the doc would shoot you full of Thorazine. Man, talk about bad trips."

"You ever get the shock treatments?"

I grinned a little. I thought making a joke out of it, but this was too serious to joke around about. "No, I don't think they do that any more, it's just restraints, padded rooms, and drugs to keep you under control."

"Good drugs, I hope." He was smiling again.

"Nah, the stuff would just numb you out and make it hard to think. One of the guys in there said it made him feel like he was wearing a carpet on his head."

"Wearing a carpet on his head?" Mike stopped and just gave me one of those 'what the hell does that mean' looks.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Don't know. It's just what he said. I hated it, though. It made my blood feel like it was burning. I couldn't think straight and couldn't do anything. To me it was like being tied in a straight jacket and put in a dark room for days at a time, not being able to move or anything."

"Did they do that to you?"

"I did get put in a straight jacket a couple times and stuck in a padded room."

"What the fuck did you do to deserve that?"

"The first time, it was because I didn't want to watch some stupid news program on TV." I had been looking at Mike, but now I looked at the ground and lowered my voice. After they let me out, I tried to kill myself again.

"Oh God, Joey, what did you do that for?"

"I just didn't think I could take any more." I was crying now. I couldn't help it. I hadn't talked about this to anyone for a couple of years and then it was just my mom and the doc.

"Sit down, Joey. We need to take some time with this." We had reached the top of a small hill and could look down towards my neighborhood. Mike practically tackled me because I wasn't moving fast enough. He knelt behind me, holding me in his arms with his chin resting on my shoulder. We were cheek to cheek.

"It was after I'd been there about a month. I was on a ward with a bunch of other kids. They really seemed to need to be there, but I wasn't crazy. There were a couple that threatened me. Both physically and sexually. They told me they would do things to me. I was scared, Mike, really scared. I couldn't sleep at night because I was afraid they'd come and get me. It was every day. They would tell me how they were going to beat me, then rape me. They thought I'd like it because I'm gay."

"Didn't you tell someone?"

"I tried. They wouldn't belive me. The nurse would ask the others about it, they just denied it. Then they threatened even worse because I told. I tried to tell the doctor. He just asked the nurse. They told me I was delusional and changed my meds."

"I can't believe they would do something. That's awful."

One night an older boy came to my bed. He knelt beside me and started whispering things. How he was gonna fuck my ass, hard enough to make it bleed. He said that one of the others was gonna stick his dick in my mouth. They'd take turns." I could feel Mike shaking and looked over at him. "Are you ok? I can stop."

"No! I wanna hear, no matter how sick or mad it makes me." He held me tighter. "Did they do that stuff?"

"No. They didn't do any of it. Not the sexual stuff, anyway. They just kept threatening that. But they would hit me, push me around, kick me, and take my stuff. I knew there was no way I could stop them. I was weak, vulnerable, powerless. My mom brought me a new shirt one day. One of them made me take it off and give it to him. When the staff saw him with it, he told them I gave it to him. They made him give it back and told me I wasn't allowed to give my stuff away. I tried to tell them, but they wouldn't listen. Later, I found the shirt in my drawer. It had been ripped up. I just threw it in the trash. I didn't tell anyone. They found it and blamed me. I got put in restraints and shot up with drugs."

It hurt to remember this stuff, but I felt like I had to tell him. I trusted him enough, but I was worried he wouldn't want me anymore. I was afraid I would scare him away. He'd think I was just fucked up. But I didn't want him to be my friend unless he knew. Unless he could accept me for who I am. To do that, Mike had to know.

"It was like that all the time? No one ever believed you?"

"Well, sometimes they did. But not about that stuff. Not whenever something was really important."

"That sucks." Mike started rocking me form side to side as I continued to talk.

"One time they put a kid in isolation for picking a fight. I wanted to get away from the threats and intimidation, so I started an argument over the TV. I thought that's what would happen to me. Instead, they put me in the straight jacket and then into the padded room. They gave me more drugs. I don't even know how long I was in there, but, I really thought I'd gone insane. I couldn't tell what was real anymore. For days, maybe even weeks I just stood in a corner of the room. I wouldn't go anywhere. They had to force me to eat. I think it was the drugs they gave me. When they let me out, that's when the threats got really bad. I just didn't want to deal with it anymore. I tried to hang myself from the railing in the stairwell. It broke and I just ended up hurting my shoulder."

"Oh God, I bet they really went overboard then." Mike laid back and pulled me back so that I was resting my head on his chest. He began stroking my hair.

"They never found out, about the suicide, that is. I got rid of the sheet I'd used and just told them I fell down the stairs. I got sent to the infirmary and I managed to talk my mom into getting me out of there before I had to go back to the ward."

"Your mom could just take you out?"

"Yeah, they gotta have parental consent to keep you unless they can get a judge to approve it. The judge said I could go after the first three days, but the doctor talked my mom into giving consent."

"You mean your mom let them keep you in that place?"

"She didn't know any better. They told her it would be good for me. But after I got hurt, I convinced her it was making me worse. I told her about the threats. She got me a new psychiatrist and he thought I'd be better off in a group home."

"What's a group home?"

"You know the children's home behind the high school? It's like that except that instead of being for orphans, it's for what they called 'troubled teens'."

"What was it like? Better than the hospital, I hope."

"Much. It was pretty big. 80 boys. There were four buildings each with two dorms. Each dorm held ten boys. They had counselors who watched us all day and night and a therapist who came in a did counseling. Mostly in groups, but once a week with just my mom and me. I'll tell you about it tonight if you like. I'm getting' kinda hungry now."

"Yeah, ok. I'm hungry too. It must be close to dinner time. Besides, it's starting to get cold. I don't think we'll be spending the night outside tonight, even if we wear clothes." Mike gave me a gentle tap on the shoulder with his fist as we got to our feet. We both laughed.

"I want you to have this." Mike was untying the leather necklace he wore around his neck. It was strung through a flat, circular, bluish stone with a hole near the top. "My grandma gave this to me when I was a little kid. I've worn it ever since. She said it would protect me whenever I wear it." He moved towards me and tried to put it around my neck.

I stepped back. "I... I can't, Mike. Not something like that."

"Sure you can. I don't really needed it. As long as you wear it, you'll know that I'm there to protect you. You won't have to be afraid of anybody again. Just touch the stone, or hold it in your hand."

"But your grandma gave it to you."

"And your best friend is giving it to you. That's what I think of your friendship, Joey." He reached out again to place it around my neck.

How could I refuse now? I had to wipe a tear from my eye. Suddenly the chill in the air was gone. I don't think I'd ever felt this good before.

Mike kissed me on the cheek as he finished "No matter what Joey, as long as you wear this, I'll be there for you. I'll be your friend. Just touch it with your hand and you'll have all my strength."

"So this is the young man who ripped out your heart, then became your best friend?" My mother was shaking a wooden spoon in Mike's direction and dripping tomato sauce on the floor.

"Mo-om!" I hadn't meant to whine, but I hated it when she embarrassed me like that.

"I guess I'm guilty as charged, but I really didn't mean to rip his heart out. I just wanted to squeeze it a little." It looked like Mike was going to be able to hold his own.

My mom gave him a rather disgusted look, turned back to the stove and gave the sauce a quick stir as she shook her head. Well then, you boys go wash up for dinner. I'll put the pasta on.

"Bathroom's this way." I said as I headed towards the doorway.

Mike followed me down the hall. I opened the door to the bathroom and stepped inside. Mike hesitated a second.

"We can share, ya know." I motioned him in and shut the door behind us. "Don't know about you, but I gotta piss like a race horse." I turned towards the toilet and started to unzip.

"Well, with what you got hangin' between your legs, I bet you can do one hell of an imitation." Mike grinned.

I doubled over with laughter. Mike was already done washing by the time I was able to stop laughing long enough to pee. He seemed to enjoy watching. I zipped up, moved to the sink, and washed up. Mike grinning the whole time. We headed back to the kitchen.

"Go ahead and have a seat. Dinner will only be another minute." She placed the colander into the sink, then poured the pot of boiling water and pasta into it. "I hope you like spaghetti with sausage and meatballs, Mike."

"Oh yeah, Mrs Millar, spaghetti is one of my favorites, we don't make it with sausage, but I'm sure it'll be really good." Mike was licking his lips, almost drooling.

"Good? It'll be great. My mom makes the best spaghetti sauce you'll ever taste." It was my turn to punch him in the shoulder.

Mike flashed me a quick grin and gave me a swat to the chest with the back of his hand.

"I can see you boys are already thick as thieves. But there will be no horsing around at the table."

"Um, sorry Mrs. Millar."

"Yeah, sorry mom."

"Joey hasn't brought anyone home for dinner in a long time." Mom was looking at Mike, then shifted her glance to me. "But it's not so long that you should have forgotten your table manners, young man."

"Mo-om, I said I'm sorry." She always had liked to embarrass me in front of Van. I wished she wouldn't do that.

"Ok, I'm sorry too. I shouldn't embarrass you like that in front of your friends. It just been so long since you've had a friend over that I wanted to have a little motherly fun." She suddenly stopped talking and looked at me like she'd done something wrong.

"It's ok, Mom, Mike knows. I told him all about me and Van and the hospital. He knows I don't have any friends." My mom poured the pasta back into the boiling pot, set it on the stove, then poured the sauce into it and mixed them together.

Mike looked over at me. "You do to have friends. There's Chris and Jeff and Andrea. Even Frank is starting to like you. You've got more friends than you think."

"Well, I've heard of Chris, of course, and he mentioned this Jeff. But who are the others?" She was transferring the pasta from the pot to a serving bowl.

"Frank is one of my best friends and Andrea is just about the most popular girl in our class. She's really, really pretty, too. And she'd love to get into Joey's pants." Right now I thought Mike was just about the most evil person on the planet.

My mom had been carrying the bowl of pasta to the table and as Mike made his comment, she let out such a hard laugh she nearly dropped it on the floor. Mike had to catch it and he almost didn't 'cause he was laughing so hard too.

"Aaaaahhh!" I just shrieked and sunk down into my chair so low that I nearly fell from their view. This was NOT the conversation I wanted to be having with my mother. Not now, not ever!

My mom plopped into her chair. The two of them were laughing so hard they had tears in their eyes.

"I guess she doesn't know he's gay." She could barely get the words out.

"That just makes her want him that much more." They continued laughing at me.

I covered my face with my hands and just continued to slip into the floor under the table. I really needed to disappear.

Eventually they both stopped laughing at me and I got back into my chair and we finished dinner. My mom cleared the table while Mike and I did the dishes. I washed, he dried.

"Well Mike, I have to say that I think you'll make a fine friend for Joey. He's told me that you're the one that got him to join cross country. It's done him a world of good. He's not only in better physical shape, he's got a lot more confidence, too. Just don't let him become dependent on you. Make sure he spends time with those other boys, or even that girl." Mom winked at Mike as she mentioned Andrea.


Mike was grinning wickedly.

"I never thought I would say this about my little boy, but it would almost be comforting to know that would let her get into his pants."

"Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!" I put both hands to my heart and dropped to the floor like I'd been shot dead. It might just be another three years before I bring a friend home again, or longer.

"Just a second." I rolled across the bed and jumped towards the door. Mike and I had been sitting on the bed next to each other looking at some record albums. I pulled the door open.

"You boys need to turn down the music. I'm going to bed. I have to work tomorrow, so keep it quiet. You can go to the basement if you want to stay up late."

"Yeah, sure thing, mom." I closed the door as she left. Mike had already switched off the stereo.

"I can't believe that Chris just gave you these." Mike was talking about the record albums we'd been looking at. "They were his favorites."

"I know. He just said he didn't want them anymore."

He continued to flip through them. "Holy shit!" Mike's voice broke as his look went from one of surprise to pain in an instant.

He was staring a David Bowie's 'Young Americans' album.

"What?" I really wasn't sure what had just happened. But Mike looked like he was ready to cry.

"This...this one... it was the one... the one he showed me, played for me... the day..." He sniffled. "The first time we... when we became boyfriends."

I sat down next to him and put my arm around him. "You can have it if you want."

"Naw, he gave them to you." He was still hurting.

"And I can see how much it means to you. Besides, you gave me the necklace."

It was a sad smile, but he smiled nonetheless. "I'll think about it."

I squeezed him a little. "Bed or basement?"

Mike yawned and stretched his arms over his head. "I'm beat, let's go to sleep."

I sighed. My disappointment was obvious.

Mike punched me in the shoulder as he stepped around the bed. "You goofball, let's go downstairs." He giggled.

I let out a deep breath. He'd done it to me again. It was hard to tell when he was joking and when he was serious.

He opened the door and stepped into the hall. "Well, you coming? I want to hear about this group home place."

There really wasn't much to our basement. It wasn't finished like the ones at Chris' and Mike's aunt's houses. There was a laundry room in the corner to the right of the stairwell. The furnace and water heater were in a small room next to the laundry. We had a pool table in the center of the basement and a small sitting area to the left of the stairs. We both plopped down on opposite ends of the sofa. Mike swung his feet around so that he was laying with me between his legs. He was holding my feet on his chest.

"So you were like, living with ten other boys?"

"Twenty, actually. My dorm had ten and the other dorm had ten. We shared a common living area."

"Damn. I don't think I could live around that many people. What'd you do for privacy?"

I knew what Mike was asking. He wanted to know how I found enough time to myself to jack off and if I did it in front of the other boys. I was gonna make him ask though.

"There wasn't any. You couldn't get time alone, ever." I was grinning at him. I wanted him to know I was avoiding his real question.

He laughed back at me. "So how did a horny little fuck like you find time to beat off?"

"Damn Mike, we'd all just drop our pants where ever we were and just do it." I was trying to be as serious as I could, but a little smile escaped my lips.

"Alright, if you're not gonna tell me..."

"You just did it in bed at night as quietly as possible. We all knew everyone was doing it. We even knew who was and when by the squeaks coming from the beds. Some of the guys would even put a bottle of lotion next to their bed before lights out."

"And that was it, you couldn't do it during the day?"

"Well, sometimes. But it wasn't easy. You could do it on the toilet or find a time to take a shower when nobody else was in the there. But it was real easy to get caught. I know most of the guys tried once in a while, but if you got caught, you'd get bagged on all day."

"So how many times did you get caught?"

"Fuck you, Mike." He was laughing and I was too. I was also getting pretty damned horny.


"Oh alright. It was about three or four times. Once I was sitting on the john and one of the guys pulled the curtain open. There were about four of them standing there and a staff member walked into the bathroom just as they caught me. That was the worst." I let Mike get a good laugh.

"None of the guys ever tried anything, like at the hospital?"

"Not with me, but I heard about guys doing things. There were times when you could sneak away from the group. I heard about guys doing it in the laundry or the bathroom in the gym."

"You never tried?"

"I was always afraid I'd get caught, besides, I didn't want anybody to find out I was gay. Not after what happened at the hospital."

"So they never knew, then.?"

"Not for about three months. Then I told them about it during a group therapy session."

"What happened then?" Mike had gotten serious all of a sudden. He wrapped his arms around my legs and held them against his chest.

"I pretty much lost all my friends. The guys started staying away from me. No one wanted to sit beside me. One guy even asked to change beds because he didn't want the one next to mine. Shower time was the worst. After school there was an activity period. After that we were all required to take a shower. Guys would refuse to get in the shower if I was in there. Finally, I just started volunteering to go last."

"Fuck man, why do people always have to be such assholes. Didn't the staff do anything?"

"They were actually pretty supportive. That's why nobody tried anything, I think. One guy threatened me once. The counselor intervened. They got into an argument and the counselor sent the boy to sent in his chair. The kid kept on yelling and him and called him a dick." I started laughing.

"What's so funny?" Mike was laughing a little even though he didn't know why it was funny.

"The counselor looked at him from across the dorm and just agreed. "I'm the biggest, fattest, and hardest dick you'll ever meet." The kid just stood there. He didn't know what to say after that." We both giggled a minute.

"So how long were you there?"

"Only for about another month. My psychologist thought I was starting to get worse again, so he sent me home."

"I bet you were glad to get out of there." Mike started rubbing my feet. It tickled and I was having a hard time keeping still.

"God Mike, c'mon." I pulled one of them away and placed it firmly in his groin.

He pulled his hands away and raised them over his head. "Ok! OK! I give, I give."

I began gently moving my foot up and down.

"Oh shit, Joey, c'mon. Please!" He was laughing.

"No more tickling?" I could feel that he had gotten quite hard.

"No. I quit. I swear to God Joey, no more."

I gave him a couple final strokes, then moved my foot back to his chest. I was grinning. I didn't often get the best of Mike. It took us both a second to regain our composure.

"In some ways, I wish I'd stayed there. Even with all the crap I had to take, it was better than home. Van and his friends were relentless when I got back. They made fun of me because I was gay, because I tried to kill myself, because I was in a mental hospital. You name it I got teased about it. Finally, I told my mom I was going to kill myself if we didn't move. That's how we ended up here." Tears were welling up in my eyes again.

Mike moved around so he was laying behind me on the sofa, holding me in his arms. We didn't move til the next morning.

Suicide Resources – These sites contain various links and information pertaining to teenage suicide. Some of them list various hotline numbers and agencies where a suicidal teen may call for help. These links were operational at the time I wrote this story, July 2002.

Covenant House

SAVE – Suicide Awareness / Voices of Education
LA Unified School District – Youth Suicide Prevention Information

New York State University at Buffalo Counseling Center

The Befrienders – Malaysia

#1 Teenage

NAMI – National Alliance for the Mentally Ill

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