Out of the Rain

by Junco

Chapter 16 - The Feel of a Boy

After breakfast I mowed the grass, while James did some laundry and then we both cleaned the house, but that took longer than expected. It seemed every time we were close, I wanted to kiss him, and that slowed us down tremendously.

It was getting much warmer outside, and I washed my Jeep, letting the water spray back on me, and cool me off. When it was clean you could see the gold metal flake shinning in the sun under the deep green color. At night it looked green, and at a distance even in daylight it was green, but up close you could definitely see the gold. I dried it off, took the doors off, and stood back, admiring its appearance. I came back inside, not drenched, but I had made no effort in trying to stay dry.

James looked up from what he was doing. "You are soaked."

"Guess I better go change."

"You are so silly," he said, and he gave me one of his big smiles.

On our way to the store James put his hand on my leg, and his action made me feel very special. I wasn't afraid if someone saw us together like that, and was in fact very proud to have James as my boyfriend. I admired him, was very happy with him, and ready to tell the world that I loved him. As we made our way through town, James informed me that he was going to be off from work on Monday, and that he would be leaving early Tuesday morning. It was only for a few days, and that he would be back Thursday. I didn't want him to be gone, but at least it wouldn't be all week.

I was smiling and in the best of moods while we made our way around the grocery store, and I kept bumping into James. Not by accident, but quite on purpose. I think it was our early morning love making, that did it for me. While we were looking at some of the steaks, trying to decide which one to get, I got up close to him, and slid my arm around his shoulder. I felt him pull away from me, and I became concerned, hoping he wasn't mad at me. I felt slightly hurt, but I shrugged it off, at least that's what I was showing on the outside.

Isle after isle, I was checking him out, making sure something wasn't up with him. He certainly seemed like himself, but I wasn't accustom to him pulling away from me. Never had he done that before.

"I forgot to get some bread," James said, and I rushed back to that isle. On my way back, I spotted some cool ranch Doritos. James was still in line at the check out, and when I reached him I held up the bag of chips.

"Look, we almost forgot these too," I said, placing them in the cart.

"Actually I picked a bag up," he said, "I guess while you weren't looking."

"That's what I love about you," I said, and grabbed his arm with both my hands, gripping him tightly, and felt his strong muscles. I looked at him, adoring him, and I wanted to kiss him right there. Always I wanted to be close to him, touch him, and have him touch me. I thought one fast kiss, not on the mouth, but maybe his neck, that would be okay. I leaned toward him, my mouth approaching the side of his neck.

"Not here," he said rather quickly. He gave me a look, like dad would do for acting out in public. I withdrew, letting go of his arm, as I stood there watching him, and I felt something in my throat. The longer he looked at me that way the bigger the lump was in my throat till I felt like I couldn't breath. I continued to stare, watching him, waiting for him to do something, but I wasn't sure what that was. If only he would reach out and touch me, if only he would smile.

I found myself walking alone across the parking lot, then standing there at the passenger side of my Jeep, as my head came crashing down onto the seat. I felt my arms go under my head and they became wet with tears. The picture in my head was blurry. He made love to me, so carefully, yet very deliberate, and most intense, yet here it was just a few hours later, and not a hint of that same tenderness.

I felt a hand moving across my back, and a voice so distant, it sounded like it came from another place.

"I'm sorry," the voice said.

"Shawn please don't cry," the voice came again, "I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." I felt his hand run through my hair, and I breathed a sigh of relief knowing that at least he didn't hate me. His hand moved to my back, and began rubbing it.

"Will you be okay by yourself for a few minutes," he asked. I lifted my head slightly and he took that as a yes. He went back in the store while I tried to pull myself together. Maybe he was right. A boy can't kiss another boy, at least not in the grocery store.

When James returned with the groceries, he loaded them into the Jeep, and I got out to help. He didn't hug me, even though what I was feeling inside, told me I required one. We finished, and I took the cart back while he waited. Walking toward him was easy, and as I got close to him, I put my head down toward his shoulder, and my arms around his waist. We hugged a quick second, and it was over way too fast. There was no need in making the situation worse, so I let go.

"I'm sorry about the way I acted. I shouldn't have tried to kiss you."

"True," he said, "but I was a little hard on you."

"Do you hate me?"

"No baby," he said looking me in the eye. The hard stare was gone, and he gave me a soft look. "I don't think I could ever hate you."

"Good. I was afraid I ruined everything."

"No, but you did surprise me," he said. Umm...are you okay to drive, or do you want me to drive."

"I think you better drive." I handed him the keys, and we made our way out of town. He turned to me and said, "I'm sorry about the way I acted, but I just don't feel comfortable out in public, and I didn't like what you did, or tried to do."

"I'm sorry," I said, and my head went down. I felt the hurt again, re-living the moment in the store, seeing that look on his face.

"I love you," he said in a begging tone, "but I don't think showing affection out in public is cool. That's all."

Yes he loved me, but couldn't show it in public. He wouldn't let me make a fool of myself, if that's what I wanted to do. Was that my intention? No I've never wanted to look foolish, but at the moment, I didn't care what other people thought. All my life I paid close attention to others, and to what they thought of me. But being with a boy was so right, at least for me, and it had changed my life completely. Going through life, and not knowing the love of a boy, would have been a tragic error. To have never discovered the body, the scent, and feel of a boy, or his love, that would have been the greatest mistake. I was fortunate in that I knew these things, that I did love another boy, and he loved me, but I wanted to show him that love, no matter what. James apparently didn't feel the same way I did. It was like he was ashamed of me, ashamed of us. I couldn't turn my love off and on like that. I loved him all the time, not just sometimes, and making that kind of adjustment wasn't going to be easy, and certainly wasn't something I wanted to do.

I felt tears coming again, and I let them fall, and I felt the cool wind drying them away from my face. I didn't seem to be too aware of our geographical location, because I was trying to tune into where we stood with each other. Where did he stand with me, and how were we going to work together. I watched the countryside go by, and I took a deep breath. He put his hand on my leg, and I looked over at him, as he was concentrating on driving.

We both took a load of groceries upstairs, and when I set mine down on the counter, he turned to me. "I'm sorry baby, I didn't want to hurt you" he said, and hugged me. For the first time ever, I felt a little strange being in his arms. I wanted to believe in him, and I put my heart into that thought. After a few minutes he did feel good to me, and I held him as tight as I could.

"Come here," he said, and led me over to the couch. "I'm sorry," he said, "You surprised me, and I know I didn't react very well." He was holding my hand, and I felt warmth, and there was no denying that I also felt love. "I love you," he said, and we turned to each other, and he hugged me really hard.

"Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"No." He let go of me, and looked into my eyes, and his eyes questioned my response. "I hear you're words," I said, looking away, and I paused trying to come up with courage to speak my mind. Then I looked right at him, "I'm sorry, but I can't turn my love on and off like that. I love you all the time."

"I know you do sweetheart, but I don't think I can handle this yet." There was no winning this argument. It was our first time we disagreed, and I didn't like it, but I was going to have to live with it somehow. I didn't want it this way, and I didn't like the feeling of resentment I had, and tried to make that go away. It wasn't right for me to have that sort of feeling toward him, but I couldn't make it go away.

"You stay right here and rest. I'll get the rest of the groceries." When he had finished, he came back to the living room. "Let's go to the lake," he said, "maybe that will make you feel better."

"Okay," I said, but I still wasn't happy inside. We both went to the bedroom to go change, and I watched him as he pulled off his shirt, and saw his chest, the muscles in his arms, and the beauty of his body. I pulled off my shoes, my shorts then my underwear, and he was watching me now. I had my shirt over my head, and the sleeves got stuck for a second, and just as I got it off my head, I felt his mouth on me, that most sensitive part of me. I was still soft, and I felt him go all the way down on me, and after just a few times, I was no longer soft. I was getting harder by the second, but he stopped what he was doing and stood and hugged me.

I felt warmth, and I felt his body, and his skin against mine, and one gentle kiss on my neck. It was peaceful, comforting, and I knew he was trying to make me happy. I was trying to put the small setback behind us, but it seemed it was going to take me a little time.

The sun was hot, the afternoon heat was punishing, till we felt the cool lake water on our bodies. We also got very wet from the splashes we gave each other. Our playing was doing much more than cooling us off. It changed the tone, put a smile on my face as we laughed and carried on. Wrestling with him was a mistake, but I thought I might have an advantage in the water. I tried several times to sneak up behind him, holding my breath and swimming underwater. Sometimes I succeeded, but never for long. In the end he always got the best of me. By 7:00, we were toast, and no doubt hungry. It had been many hours since lunch, and after supper, we both crashed onto the sofa to watch TV. The sun had a way of draining energy, and we were both feeling that effect, and ended up going to bed early. I was too tired to do anything but hold him, but that was still a wonderful feeling, having him there in my arms.

The next morning I got ready for work, and let him sleep. He looked peaceful there, and I didn't have the heart to wake him up. I kissed his forehead once, and was on my way to work.

At work, I never saw Lisa, but I wanted to tell her about my weekend, and how good it went. Well, most of it was good, but I thought I would leave out that part. During lunch I called home, and James was in a good mood, and said he slept in, something he didn't do very often. He was going to fix us something to eat, and I told him I would be home about 5:30.

I got a big hug, and lots of kisses when I arrived in the door, and James had already started on dinner. Both of us ate all we could, but we had more food than we could eat. I cleaned up the dishes, while James went out to the deck.

He was standing at the rail in just his shorts looking toward the woods. I stood behind him, and put my arms around his stomach, and my ear against his dark tanned back. His skin against mine felt so good, and I turned my head slightly to drink in his scent. There was something about that, something that always attracted me to him. I breathed it in again, and kissed his back, while my hand moved up to his chest, and I felt his peck muscle, and it only made me want him more. All day I had been thinking about making love to him, the way he did to me. I wanted to show him my love, and that I wasn't mad about the day before, and my actions say it better than words. Shelly and I had never made love, and I had no experience, nothing to draw from, but I was going to have fun trying.

We stood there for sometime, my desire was only getting stronger, and something there in my shorts was wanting him too. I wanted inside him so badly, partly due to curiosity, but a large part was physical desire. But now I was here with him, and I knew it was more than just sex. It was my way of proving my love for him, my own expression of that love. I had worked my way up his back, and was kissing his neck, and listening to him, feeling his response to me, I knew he was ready too.

"I want to make love to you," I said, and he turned to face me, kissed me once on the lips, and looked into my eyes. I knew it was going to happen, knew he wanted me, and he hugged me tight for a second, then let go.