Out of the Rain

by Junco

Chapter 17 - Being Vulnerable

"Can we sit down for a minute?" He said, as we both took a chair. I moved mine right up to his so I could touch him. "Please don't get mad at me," he said, "I should have told you sooner, but I wasn't sure if I would change my mind."

"Change your mind about what?"

"Shawn, I don't know how to say this." It was obvious, his look, and his tone, something that was troubling to him. I watched him look out into the distance, thinking about what he had to say.

"I like making love to you, it's the sweetest thing in the world. You are so responsive to me, and I just love that about you. I always will." He had been looking at me while he talked, and looked out to the distance again. He was having difficulty telling me what was on his mind, as I tried to be patient and listen.

"I would have told you sooner, but I thought maybe I would change my mind. Please don't be mad at me," he said and looked down at the deck.

"I won't. I promise," and put my hand up to his chest.

"I don't think I can do it," he said and then looked into my eyes. "I need your love, and I want you to love me, but...ah...not the same way I show my love for you."

"I don't understand," I said, almost not believing what I had heard. "I mean, when you're inside me, it just feels so awesome, and I would have thought you would want that too."

"Can't explain it," he said. "All I know is that I don't want you that way."

"All day I've been thinking about you, about making love to you, and showing you that I love you."

"And I want you to show me your love, but not the same way I show you." I let go of his chest, and held his arm and gripped it as tight as I could. Maybe it was sex I was thinking about, but when we were together it seemed like more than just sex. It was an expression of love, and now what I wanted, the way I wanted to show him my love, wasn't going to happen. Why was he this way? Why didn't he want me like that? I let go of his arm, and my hand seemed to just fall off of him. I put my feet on my chair, pulling my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs, my chin plunked down to my knees. I thought about what he said, and how it changed everything. I still loved him, but now I was going to have to express myself in some other way.

We talked for a short while, but once again it was an argument I couldn't win. Sometimes it seemed like he wasn't listening to me, but I'm sure he was. Just that I couldn't get through. It was like talking to mom and dad about something they didn't want me to do. Mom and Dad always got their way.

When we did go inside, we kissed and played around with each other, and I did my best at showing him my love. There was a part of me wanting to run away, and another part that wanted him and needed him. Running away wasn't an option really, and in the end we did make it to the bed. But it was him, all of him, once again inside me, taking me to another world.

At some point I was able to free myself from him, and lay him on his back, while I straddled him, carefully lowering myself till he was once again back inside me. Every movement I made was feeling so good to me, but I also did my best to please him. At times I bent my body down, and kissed his nipples while still moving up and down on his shaft. I must have been doing something right, because he started bucking underneath me raising his body up as mine was coming down.

He put some lube on his hand and started stroking me, and this really started me going, but I was already in wonderland. I became lost in the feeling, his hand on me, stroking me, and his dick inside me, filling me completely, sending me to the edge. My motions increased in speed and intensity, till I could hold back no longer. I felt myself cumming, and getting closer, thinking I'll do it any second now, but seconds kept going by, and still the feelings continued to get more intense. I remembered thinking I should have cum all over him by now, but yet the feelings only got stronger. Finally I felt it for sure. I came hard, and I shot out all over his chest. My hands went to his shoulders, as I leaned forward and rested my body.

"Did you cum?" I asked.

"No not yet."

"Well, ah...what can I do for you?" I said out of breath.

"Maybe if we change position, but I'm not sure. Is that something you can you handle?"

"I want to try," I said.

"Well, lay on your stomach then, if that's okay with you."

I did like he asked, spinning myself around on him till my back was toward him. It was a strange feeling inside, twisting around on his dick. I brought my legs together, and carefully turned on my side and then on my stomach. It was a challenge, and actually kind of comical, but I managed my new position, keeping him inside me the whole time. I found out, I really could take him there inside me, even though I had already cum. I thought once you came that those intense feelings of pleasure would be over, but they were far from over. I lay there enjoying him, feeling ever inch of him as he moved inside me, slowly at first, but his tempo picked up till he was pounding me. I felt like I could cum again, but I knew that wasn't going to happen, not that soon. I felt him slow down as his body stiffened up, and a loud moan came from him, then he collapsed on top of me.

The next morning we said our goodbyes, and I watched him drive away, as I thought about the previous night. I just didn't understand why he didn't want me to make love to him. He felt so good inside me. Why didn't he want the same from me? It troubled me, and seemed to be all I could think about while I was at work.

During lunch I walked into the break room to get a drink, and I heard words, ugly words, and I tried not to notice. Joe was the only one there that I knew, and he was very quiet, head down, facing away from me, at the end of the table. There were about four other guys sitting at a table with him, and the one sitting in the corner, back to the wall and facing out toward the room said, "he's a queer I tell you, nothing but a cock sucking queer. " I was too far into the room to just turn around, had to keep walking to the drink machine, but I froze in my tracks.

"How can you tell," said the other one directly opposite him at the table.

"Oh, I can tell. Just look at the way he wears his clothes, and the way he talks, the way he moves his hands," came the voice from the corner.

How could they know that about me, and why were they so mean?

"I hate fucking faggots. I'd like to show him my fist", said the other. "I'd take him down, then make him suck on the heel of my boot."

I turned quickly and ran out the door, back down the hall and into the office I shared with two other women, only they were out to lunch. I slammed the door shut and locked it. The office door had a large window, and I could look out and see anyone passing by, only I didn't look. I was too scared to look. My lunch was right in front of me, only it started to make me sick to think about eating it, so I quickly put it away. I sat there listening for voices, waiting for them to come get me. They could break down the door, and then what would I do. I could call the police, but they would be too late. I sat there staring at nothing, just listening to voices in the background but they were too far away to know what they were saying. For a long time I listened, or at least it seemed like a long time, then a knock came at the door and the two women I worked with were standing there at the door, so I opened it up for them, and sat back down. Jenny had long straight hair, dark brown, with eyes to match.

"What on earth was the door locked for," said Kelly, as she entered the room just behind Jenny. Kelly was the shorter one, with pretty blond hair and light skin. Jenny knelt down in front of me, while Kelly walked on past, and to her desk. Jenny looked me in the eye, not saying anything at first, just looked at me.

"Are you feeling okay?" She asked.

"My stomach is a little upset," I said. Apparently what I was feeling was very evident, she had no trouble telling something was wrong.

"You don't look so good. Can I call anyone for you."?

"What's with him?" said Kelly from the other side of the room.

"I'm trying to find out," she said, rather sternly to the other woman, then she turned back toward me placing her hands on my knees.

"You're shivering," she said, and briefly stood up to feel my forehead. Then she knelt down in front of me again, placing her hands back on my shaking knees. It was strange that I hadn't noticed that before, but they were shaking, moving with a mind of their own. "What's the matter honey, you can tell me. You don't have a temperature." I didn't answer, couldn't answer, what would I say. Then another person entered the room, it was Joe.

"What's the matter with Mr. Shawn?" He said.

"I don't know," Jenny said, "something about his stomach. I can't figure it out."

I sat there, not speaking a word, too scared to say anything. I wanted to cry, and I thought I was crying inside, but outside I wasn't doing anything.

"There were some men in the break room, saying mean things," Joe said, and I didn't like what they were saying."

Jenny turned around toward him, "What did they say?"

"Something about beat'n somebody up. That was when Mr. Shawn walked in, or I guess he did. I didn't see him come in, but when everybody turned, that's when I saw him leav'n." Jenny turned back to me again, "they weren't talking about you," she said.

"How do you know?" I said.

"Joe, shut that door a second. Now tell me, what happened?" Jenny said, as she stood up to face Joe."

"You know the guys. Something about queers, and they all want to jump in and knock somebody's lights out. They weren't talking 'bout you Mr. Shawn." I looked up at him for the first time since he came in. Joe wasn't like the others, he was very kind. "They was talk'n 'bout some guy that works up at the store, they won't talking 'bout you Mr. Shawn. I closed my eyes for a second, still breathing fast, still shaking, still scared, but relieved that they weren't talking about me. Could have been me, and maybe one day it would be me. I sat there fighting hard not to cry.

Jenny knelt down beside me again. "It's okay Shawn. See they weren't talking about you. Honey don't worry, it's okay. We won't let anything happen to you. You're too sweet a guy." She turned to Kelly, "Call Lisa, and tell her I need to see her right away." Soon Lisa came in the door, looked at me, then Jenny left the room, followed by Lisa, and Joe. They were just outside the door, as Jenny shut it behind them. I couldn't tell what they were saying behind the glass, but I knew they were talking about me. Then Lisa opened the door, "Shawn are you okay?" I closed my eyes, and felt my head lower down, then opened my eyes. "Lisa wants us all to come down to her office," Jenny said kneeling down in front of me again. "Come on honey, it will be okay."

We walked down the hall a short way to Lisa's office where we all sat down, and Lisa closed the door and took her place at the desk. "Shawn, from what Joe has told me, there was a discussion in the break room today, and that you happened to walk in the middle of it. They weren't talking about you, but if any of them ever threaten you, or hurt you in anyway, then they will have to answer to me, and it won't be pretty. We will not tolerate violence, or the threat of violence. Everyone should feel safe here, and when they don't, then we will make the necessary changes to make it safe.

I know none of you here had anything to do with this, but I just want everyone to know, where I stand with all of this. Now the rest of you may go, I want to speak with Shawn for a minute, alone." The others left, and quietly closed the door behind them. It was a short meeting and no one else spoke except Lisa, but I assumed she was making a point. She was letting them know she was taking care of this. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, I think I'm better now."

"Good. Shawn please come to me if you have any problems. I'm here to help you. It doesn't matter to me if you're gay or not, that's your business. But if anyone threatens you because you are gay, then I want you to come tell me. Guys can be so insensitive sometimes, but you're not like that. I know you're different than they are, you're vulnerable."

"What do you mean vulnerable."

"You're sweet, and not the kind of person to get into a fight, or even stand up for yourself. I on the other hand take up for the underdog," she said with a smile. "Always have, always will."

She paused for a minute, and I gathered my thoughts, knowing it was good to have her on my side.

"Don't worry sweetie, it's not that obvious. I just want you to know you're safe here, and that I'll look after you.

"Thanks Lisa. I'm glad you understand."

"Do you feel better now?"

"Yes, much better, thanks."

"Do you have anything you want to talk about?"

"There's a lot I have on my mind right now, it's just not so easy to talk about it."

"What about that boy you were telling me about?"

"James. Yes he's wonderful. Friday I told him that I loved him, and he said he felt the same for me."

"That's good news. I'm so happy for you."

"We had the best weekend together. Well almost the best. There's a lot of things I have yet to understand."

"That's very true for all of us," she said. Would you like to call him? You can use my phone."

"Thanks, but he's out of town right now."

"Well if you need someone to talk to, you can always talk to me about anything."

I did have about a thousand questions, but Lisa wasn't the one to ask. I nodded my head yes, agreeing that she would be good to talk to if I need someone.

I could sense that our meeting was over, thanked her again and went back to my desk. Jenny was especially nice to me, and so was Kelly. We talked a lot that afternoon, just the three of us. They told me all about some of the bad boyfriends they had, and some of the good ones, but they reassured me that I was a nice guy. They even asked if I had a boyfriend, and I told them all about James and how much I missed him. Just before leaving to go home my mom called and asked if I could stop by on the way home. When I got home, Teddy was waiting there at the back door, his tail wagging a hundred miles an hour.

"Hi mom." She hugged me tight and I felt secure there in her arms. I sat on the floor and hugged Teddy, and he seemed to understand what I was going through in his own way. His happiness, and affection was the perfect medicine for me.

"Lisa Zimmerman called me a little while ago and told me what happened today."

"What did she say?"

"Only that some guys at work were talking ruff, talking about beating somebody up, and that you thought they might be talking about you. She assured me it wasn't you, and I just wanted to make sure you were okay. She seemed concerned for you too."

"Thanks mom, but...I'm fine."

"I just wanted to be sure is all."

"I know mom. I was really scared for a little while."

"What made you think they were talking about you?"

"Don't know, just that it was me."

"Is James coming home tonight?"

"No." I said rather sadly, "Not till Thursday."

"Well you can spend the night here if you want."

"Can Teddy sleep with me?"

"I don't see why not."

"Did you here that Teddy. You get to sleep with me tonight." I went to go watch TV, and Teddy never left my side. Even when my dad got home, Teddy went to greet him, but came right back and laid on the couch next to me. I felt safe with him there, like no one could hurt me. Right before supper mom and dad came in the room, I guess to talk, because dad turned off the TV. "Your mom tells me you had a rough day today."

"Sure did."

"Anything you want to talk about?"

"Yes, but not now. Maybe another time."

"That's okay son, we understand it's not easy in the grown up world sometimes. We also called Lisa, and asked if it was alright for you to bring Teddy to work with you for a few days."

"And?" I asked, then held my breath

"She said it was fine with her," my dad continued. "We told her how good of a dog Teddy is, and that he would make you feel better by being there."

"That's awesome. Thanks dad."

"You're welcome. Now if you ever need to talk to us, anytime, we're right here."

"I know. I'm lucky to have you guys."

"We love you."

"I love you too dad. Mom. Thanks for everything." The rest of the evening was quiet, and Teddy never left me. Having him there in bed that night was great. He was so soft and cuddly, not to mention warm. The next day at work, I brought Teddy's pillow with me, got him some water, and took him for a walk on my breaks. He spent the whole day under my desk, never barked once. I did feel good about having him there.

At lunch I went into the break room to get my drink, and the same men were sitting at the same table, except this time Teddy was right by my side the whole way. One of them said nice dog, and Teddy quickly came around to the other side, friendly like, but he didn't walk up to them like normal. Instead he stayed close to me, always keeping himself between them and me till we left the room, and then he wagged his tail more like normal. He must have sensed my fear. How I wished he could have been with me the day before.

Mom called during the day to ask how I was, and how Teddy was doing. She told me to stop by, get Teddy's food, and that I could take him home with me for the rest of the week. We played ball when I got home, then Teddy slept on the couch while fixed dinner. After dinner both of us took a place on the couch to watch TV, but the phone rang before I had a chance to find anything on.

It was Phillip calling, and we talked for a short while, but after I told him about the day before, he said he would be right over. A good friend is something to hold onto, and I was certain he fit that description.

Just as I was about to make myself comfortable, the phone rang again. This time it was James.

"Hi sweetheart." It was so good to hear his voice. So nice to hear him call me sweetheart. Not as good as being in his arms, but his soft voice, and to hear him talk to me, call me his sweetheart; it just met the world to me.

"How are you?" I said.

"I'm fine. What are you doing?"

"Sitting here with Teddy, watching TV."

"Cool, Teddy is with you?"

"I know, I just love having him here. Not as good as you being here, but it's got to be the next best thing. So tell me, how was your day?"

"Not bad. We worked hard, but really it was a good day. Sorry I didn't get up with you last night."

"No, that was my fault," I said, "I stayed at mom and dads last night."

"Okay, I thought you went to bed early or something. That's why you didn't answer."

"I guess we should get an answering machine."

"Well if you weren't home, that still wouldn't have worked. I should have given you my bosses cell phone number. I'm thinking about getting one myself."

"Now's a good time," I said, "everybody is giving away phones, it seems like. And it would have been good to talk to you yesterday."

"Why? Did something happen?"

"You could say that. Almost thought I was in trouble for a little while, but ends up I was mistaken. I wish you were here."

"I know," he said, "wish I could be there too. So what happened?"

"Well, ah, at lunch yesterday I walked in on some guys talking about beating up somebody. It scared me because I thought they were talking about me. Turns out its some guy at a store up the road from where I work, but they were going to beat his brains out for being gay."

"But you're sure they weren't talking about you?"

"I am now."

"And you're okay."

"I just need you in the worst possible way right now. I need you here with me," I said in a whisper.

"Oh, sweetie, I wish I was there too. I would hold you so tight, and not ever let go. I feel so bad not to be there for you."

"I know. If you could be here, you would. Teddy even went to work with me today. I felt really safe with him there."

"Well if any of them ever hurt you, they're going to wish they didn't once I finish with them."

I always suspected there was a tough side to James, but I never heard him talk that way till now. Could be that he was trying to be protective of me, so I didn't think a whole lot about it.

We continued to talk about missing each other, and how we both were looking forward to tomorrow. He would be home, but not too late, and we agreed to a late dinner.

When Phillip arrived he gave me the biggest hug, then we went to sit on the couch. Teddy lay next to me on the couch, but because he was so big, I had to move down toward Phillip a little, so he could fit. I really didn't mind. Phillip was looking good as ever, and sitting next to a hot boy like that sure didn't bother me.

We talked briefly about the day before, and Phillip said they were probably just acting tough, and really had no intention of beating anyone up. He explained it as a way for them to establish their own masculinity. Straight guys don't want anyone else to think they are gay, so by hating gays, no one would ever question them about that.

"Have you ever been threatened before?" I asked.

"Nope. Never have."

"Are you ashamed of who you are?"

"No. I use to think that way," he said, "but there's nothing wrong with me, or you, and we should just be ourselves."

"Well if you had a boyfriend, and you were in a grocery store, would you let him kiss you?"

"If that boy was you, absolutely."

"Not what I meant."

"I know," he said, "but I think if I loved someone, it wouldn't matter to me."

"Well the other day, when James and I were in the store, I wanted to kiss him, and almost did, but he pulled away, and shot me a hard look."

"I'm sorry," he said as he put his arm around my shoulder.

"He made me feel so bad, like I had done something wrong, but I don't think I did anything wrong."

"You didn't do anything wrong," Phillip said, and he pulled me closer to him. I didn't even think about it, but my hand wondered over to him, and was resting there on top of his leg. "It upset you, didn't it?"

"Yeah, it really did."

"Is that what's like bothering you now?"

"Yeah, that is, and ahhh...something else. See James has made love to me, and he...ummm, he can make me feel soooooo...good, better than I ever dreamed it could be. And it gets better every time. But I am really confused, because he doesn't want me to love him the same way."

Phillip took a big breath, turned to me, his jaw seemed to drop, then he moved closer, one arm still across my back, the other across my chest as his head went down to my neck. He just held me, and I had to admit I liked the feeling. I also felt better getting the subject out in the open, like I was about to go through another door.

After a few minutes he sat up straight, and let go of me, as our eyes caught each other. "I'm really sorry," he said, "you probably had no idea about all this?"

"Clueless."

"Do you think he'll come around, or did he like, lay down the law?"

"He could change his mind," I said, "but he's probably going to always be this way." Phillip looked at me, and for a moment I thought he was going to kiss me. I wanted him to kiss me, but I couldn't say why I wanted that. Actually I just wanted someone to hold me.

He smiled at me, then I got what I wanted, a big hug, and he held me tight. I loved being hugged by him. I was reminded of Teddy's presences as I felt him stretch out, his paw pushing against my leg. It was just the three of us, there on the couch, and I knew I was in good company. Phillip let go of me, and we looked into each other's eyes again.

"Are you going to talk to him about this?" He asked.

"I need to. This isn't what I wanted."

"Sometimes love has a way making it okay."

"I know," I said, "just that I thought this was so perfect for me, and now I'm not sure."

"Has James ever rejected you before, like he did at the grocery store?"

"No never before," I said.

"Um...have you been out in public with him before that?"

"Not really."

Phillip was thinking about something, then he said, "sounds to me like he's probably insecure with being gay, and maybe, just maybe, he's not real sure he wants a gay lifestyle. Because James has only made love to you, his masculinity isn't being threatened as much as it would had you made love to him."

"Not sure I get what you're saying."

"See once you've let a boy take you, then there's like no doubt that you're gay. You're playing a different role."

"You really think that's what it is?" I asked.

"Could be. You know some guys are only a top, and others just bottoms, but not both. I guess he could be that."

"I hope not," I said. I love him, but I'm not sure what's going on in his head.

"Well, would you two like, stay together if he says he could never do it?"

"Hadn't processed that yet.

Sitting there with Phillip on the couch eased my pain and confusion. Knowing that Phillip sincerely cared about me, made the discussion even easier. Being able to talk about my problems concerning James, made me feel warm inside.

Unnoticed to me, during the conversation, I had settled into a spot on the couch right under Phillips arms. My ear up against his chest, I could hear his heartbeat. The beat and rhythm were harmonious. It forced me to relax.

I looked up into Phillips eyes after he asked me if I'd stay with James, even if James wouldn't allow me to love him that special way. I wanted to say more then, "I hadn't processed that yet." But, to my surprise, the only thing I could think of at that moment was kissing Phillip.

"Would you stay with someone who didn't want you to make love to them?" I asked.

"No I wouldn't", he said. And as he gently bent his head down towards my ear, he whispered softly, "If you were mine, that wouldn't be a worry for either of us", and kissed my ear.

The kiss sent shocks through my body. As I turned towards him, I caught his sparkling glare. At that slit second, I could see his desire to hold me in his arms. I could feel his love for me in his touch. I could hear his heart beating faster and faster.

His lips touched mine for the first time, soft, yet firm, moist, not wet. His lips meeting mine perfectly, the intensity flowing through my veins, I felt myself floating in bliss. A place one never wants to return from.

Slowly, as we pulled away from one another, both panting for air, we knew we had shared one of the most intimate moments. We also knew we had shared much more, when we looked down noticing we both had boners.

A kiss I would never forget!