Out of the Rain

by Junco

Chapter 18 - A Windy Day

The cool wind whisked it's way through the house, the feel of it, the changing of the season, gave me just a little hope, but that was fading. I heard the sound of the lawn mower getting lost in the wind, and at times the sound seemed to fade out completely. I could see the wind blowing through the trees, and not a trace of a cloud in the sky. Seemed like it seldom rained this time of year, but I also remembered the nights being cooler, like last night. There was always one day, when the sun shined brightly, but the heat from the sun never came through, and as that day wore on, even before the sun had a chance to set, there was a noticeable crispness to the air.

James's cell phone rang, and seeing he was out in the back yard I answered it for him. I picked it up from the counter in front of me, said hello, and got this petite girl voice say "James?"

"No this is Shawn."

"Hey Shawn. James has told me all about you."

"He has?"

"Oh yes. He said you were like the best roommate."

"He said that? Roommate?"

"Roommate, housemate, yeah something like that. Sorry my name is Jennifer," said the small voice on the other end.

"Is James there?"

"Yeah. Give me a minute, and I'll run the phone out to him. He's cutting grass right now."

"That's okay, I can call back later."

"It's no trouble," I said, "I'm half way down the steps right now. So how long have you known James?"

"Since August," she said. "He's such a wonderful guy."

"If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?" I asked.

"Just turned 21. In fact I was out celebrating my birthday when I met James."

"Twenty one? You sounded more like you're sixteen."

"Everybody says that," came her little voice.

"Well, I'm almost to James now. It's been nice talking to you."

"Same here," she said. James saw me hold the phone up, so he stopped the mower and started walking toward me. I handed him the phone.

"Who is it?"

I had already turned around, and was walking back toward the house. "Jennifer," I yelled back.

It was making a lot more sense to me now. I still didn't get it though. We had fallen in love with each other or so I thought, but the summer had dragged on. Not once did James let me make love to him. How I wanted to, and it often pained me not being able to have him like that. I had so hoped he would change his mind, but he never did. When we had first started, James made love to me often, but soon it was just twice a week, then once a week, till August, and that's when I got absolutely nothing from him. He would give me a kiss when he got home, but that was all.

I asked him several times to make love to me. I tried to get his interest while we watched TV, but I couldn't get close to him. After a few minutes, he would always say it was too hot, and he didn't want me that close. Last night the cool wind was blowing, and it was the first time he held me for any length of time. For once it wasn't too hot for me to snuggle up next to him, and I thought he would make love to me then, but it was the same story. He was too interested in a TV show, then when that was over, he was too tired.

I tried to get his interest over the last few months, but at each rejection, I felt a little weaker, and my confidence sunk, till one day I just gave up trying. It was easier just to wait on him when he was ready for me.

I asked if anything was wrong, and I always got, nothing's wrong, but I knew better. One day I told him, I know something is wrong, and he gave me a funny look. Then I asked him, why won't you talk to me, and he threw up his hands and walked away.

I was sitting at the kitchen counter, and couldn't decide what to do next. I wanted to talk to Phillip, but ended up staring at the phone instead. I didn't want to be seen talking to him, and James walk in the house, so I waited for the lawn mower to start back. Phillips cell phone number had become imprinted in my memory, and for now the phone was going to have to do. I would have rather gone to see him, to feel his presence, and let him comfort my soul.

I called him and the phone rang one time, and immediately I heard his voice. "Hey Shawn, I was just thinking about calling you."

"You were?"

"Um...remember me telling you about the new friends I made?"

"Yeah."

"Well I told you, I was really interested in one of those boys, and this past week he showed an interest in me. Then last night we were so ready to take a break from school, so we went out and like had the best time ever."

"That's so cool." Actually it wasn't the best news I heard, but after Phillip and I made our agreement, I knew it would all be different. I had to be happy for him. "So where did you guys go?"

"We went out to one of the clubs in Raleigh."

"What was it like?" I asked trying to show some interest, but I wasn't all there.

"I wasn't real impressed with the outside," he said, "but inside there was a big room with a bar, and next to it was another room, with a dance floor, and then a outside courtyard, where everybody hangs out."

"Sounds nice," I said struggling to be excited.

"The music was good," he said, but then his voice became more excited, "the best part was it was full of boys."

"Now that is cool," I said more energetically. He had my interest suddenly. "Why so many boys?"

"Cause its gay night club. I've never seen so many cute boys, all in one place. I wanted to take two or three of them home with me."

"Boy, what am I going to do with you," I said in a strong voice, and we both started laughing.

"Really, you and James need to come down here. You two are still together aren't you?"

"That's kind of why I called."

"I was afraid of that," he said.

"You wouldn't believe it. But then you probably would. Actually you called it, the last time you were here."

"I'm sorry to hear this."

"It's okay. I didn't want to believe you, but you planted a seed in my head. It gave me a chance to prepare myself a little."

"So like...what happened?"

"I was sitting here in the kitchen and answered his cell phone, cause he was out in the yard. This girl goes on about how sweet he is, and how she met him while she was out celebrating her birthday."

"I knew it," Phillip said quickly.

"Get this. She knew my name, so James must have told her about me. Then the bitch refers to me as his roommate."

"Roommate?"

"Yeah, so he isn't being truthful with her at all, and I think it's because they got something going on."

"Well you and I had a little something too," he said.

"I know, but I needed you then."

"Well, it was about the best two days in my life," he said.

"It was good. I know we talked about all this before, but I wish you could have stayed."

"Me too," he said. There was a pause from both of us, as we traveled back in time. I tried to stay in that place and time, but the phone call from Jennifer was still fresh in my mind.

"I'm not going to compete with a girl! If he wants her, he can have her!"

"I hear ya. So...like what are you going to do now?"

"Not sure. I wanted to take a ride, and hope he's gone when I get back."

"Um...can I offer a little bit of advice?"

"That's why I called you."

"I know you don't like confrontation, but if you question him about this and get out in the open, then he's got no choice but to leave."

"That sounds so final."

"Exactly. That's what you want."

"I don't get it. How do I want a bunch of yelling and screaming?"

"Don't yell Shawn. Remain as calm as you can. Ask him about the girl, and see if that's what he really wants. Then tell him, he needs to go stay with her. This will give you closure, and you need that."

"I do?"

"You guys haven't been doing so well lately, and you can't keep hanging on by a thread."

"I get that."

"Later, when you're thinking back about James, you want all of this behind you so you can move on. Any unfinished business or questions you have, you'll sit and wonder about them, and it's just going to bring you down."

"Dam. I don't know if I can do all that."

"Be strong, but remain calm," he said with confidence.

"Easy for you to say."

"Remember the sectionals last year, when those two guys took off running in front of everyone else, and I wanted to keep up with them. Then you said let them go, just run your own pace. And sure enough after a mile and a half we blew right by them."

"But that was different," I protested.

"You were strong, ran a great race, did really well, but you were like, real calm. Even before the race you looked peaceful, while the rest of us had our stomachs in knots. "

"I did feel pretty good that day."

"You prepared yourself. You knew what you had to do, and you weren't afraid of anything."

"So how do I do that now?"

"Be strong. Know that you are right, and your decision is the right one."

"I'm pretty sure."

"You have to know it in your heart. How has he been treating you lately?"

"He hasn't been mad or anything, but he hasn't been affectionate at all."

"And do you want to keep living like that?"

"No," I said quickly. He paused, almost waiting for me to speak, so I spoke. "You're right. I don't know why I'm so wishy washy sometimes?"

"So we agree that you have to do something."

"Yes."

"Now keep thinking that you want a change, and that you know this isn't working, but do so from strength. Know that you are going to survive, and know that you are going to be better off. Then you be in charge. He's going to be pissed off, and maybe yell and scream, but don't let him take you there. You keep on your agenda, and deal with business. This isn't the time to let emotions run away from you, although they will want to. Be strong, but remain calm."

"It sounds like a lot."

"You can do it. You might not think you're strong, but I've seen you in action. Any time we were in a jam, and one of us needed to be strong, you were always the one."

"No I wasn't. You were always the strong one, not me. I'm always the first one to cry," I said.

"Remember 4^th grade, when those two sixth graders came up to us on the playground?"

"I don't remember too much about that," I said.

"I think the boy who did all the talking was Joey Picket. He like wanted our lunch money, and I was too scared to speak. But you said, you can have our money, but you're going to have to take it. I'm not giving it to you, and I'm not bowing down to any bullies."

"I said that?"

"You sure did, and they called us some names, then walked off."

"I guess you're right. I can be strong."

"Of course you can."

"I think I just heard the lawn mower stop. I got to go now."

"You call me later if you get a chance, and call me tomorrow for sure. Okay?"

"I will."

"Shawn."

"Yes."

"Please call me, like as soon as you can. Call me anytime."

"I will. Bye."

"Bye," he said.

I got two glasses of water, and went out to the deck to wait, and it didn't take long before James came up the stairs. I handed him the glass, and he took it, but not before he gave me a glare. The wind stirred and caught my attention, and in that brief second I knew what had to be done. I had never faced any situation like it before, and now it was up to me to get my own life back together. It took every bit of courage I felt in my bones, and in that second my heart was in it too.

"I want to ask you something about Jennifer."

"I've been thinking about that," he said, "it really pissed me off that you answered my phone."

"I'm sure it did, but that's not what I wanted to talk about." I stopped for a second. "It's this girl. You two are pretty interested in each other."

"Sort of," he said.

"Doesn't matter how much, it takes away from what we have, or what I thought we had. You haven't been interested in me for a while now, and it's time we move on."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying, if she is what you want, then that's where you should be."

"So you're saying you want me to move out?"

"Yes."

"Dam Shawn."

I didn't respond to him. I felt something fire up in my stomach, and I almost spoke, but I remembered not to let him take me. I breathed in a big breath. "I think it's important that we both be happy," I said in a calm voice. "I haven't been happy here lately, and I don't think you're happy with me. I don't understand it, and it hurts inside when I think about it. I just think it's time we go our separate ways."

"And when were you thinking this should happen? He growled.

I took a moment to look him in the eye, then softly said, "today."

"When did you get this crazy idea in your head?"

"It's been on the brain for a little while, but when Jennifer called, she referred to me as your roommate. When I heard that, I was done."

"Oh." His tone changed, and he hung his head down. Then he looked at me again, softly this time. "I'm sorry," he said. "I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I could be happy with you, and I was, but like I said before, not having a family in my teens only made me want my own that much more. I've come to realize how important that is to me, and you and I can't have a family together. I feel really bad about all of this, and I am truly sorry. You've given me so much Shawn, and I want you to know how grateful I am for that. You've shown me your love, and you have a lot of that to give, but I'm not the right boy for you." He gave me one last hug, and turned to go inside.