Phillip and Trent headed back inside to dance, while Ethan and I sat in the courtyard and talked. I wasn't sure how Phillip and Trent kept going. Dancing took a lot of energy, and I was running low on that.

The music was still hot, and I would have been tearing up the dance floor had Hunter been there with me. I was bummed out seeing him leave with someone else. True, it was a blind date he was on, and with any luck, Hunter wasn't having fun with the guy. Had it been the two of us, I'm sure we would have had plenty of fun.

Ethan had walked to the club, and we were both ready to walk back to his house, while Trent, in his never ending mode to party, tried to encourage Phillip to stay. I think Phillip wanted to see me off properly, and we ended up riding over to Ethan's house with them. He was right about being close, because in two minutes we were there. We all hugged each other, and I got a very nice hug from Trent, but an even better hug from Phillip.

It seemed strange at first, being in an unfamiliar house with someone I barely knew, but then Ethan had a way about him, even his house was a pleasant place to be. Just like he said, there was a guest room, a nice bed, and he got me some bedclothes to wear. He offered me a shower, and breakfast, but I was too tired and the day had been long, and eating wasn't on my mind.

The bed felt good, as I lay down and relaxed on the clean smelling sheets. My head fell into the soft pillow, and soon I was asleep. I did wake up a few times, trains mostly that woke me up, but I quickly fell back asleep each time.

The sun was poking through the window, and I stirred, but lay in bed a little longer, only to fall back asleep. The process repeated itself, till I felt ready to get up. Ethan was sitting in a chair, reading, when I finally made my way out to the living room.

"No thanks," I said, and flopped down on the couch, "Maybe if I just sit here a second."

"I'll get you a towel," Ethan said, and "start on breakfast. We can eat when you're done."

The water felt good, and I let it hit my face for a few minutes, while I started to wake up. I felt so much better when I got out, and then got a surprise, as I spotted some clothes laid out for me on my bed. I eagerly put them on. It isn't that they were fancy or special, but they belonged to Ethan, and I felt really cool in his clothes. I helped out a little making breakfast, and then we both ate. Between the food, the shower, and the clothes I had on, I really felt good about the day, and started anticipating getting out and taking a look around.

Our first stop was the apartment upstairs. The on going construction work didn't give me a clear picture of it's potential, not with ladders, saws, and busted out walls, but it's charm could not be dimeshed.

"Like it so far," I said. I was standing in the middle of the big room, looking toward the blue kitchen, but the sunlight coming in through the bedroom window caught my gaze as I walked over to it. I found myself imagining what it would be like to wake up in the deep green room bathed in sunlight. Where would the bed go, and who was I going to wake up next to? Hopefully it would be some cute boy that knew what I wanted, and knew how to give it to me. I felt myself get excited as I looked out the back window toward the view of the city.

The kitchen was just across from the bedroom, and smaller than what I had in the mountains, but the blue color gave it's own personality. The bathroom was bright red, and I got caught up in the color for a minute before I realized how tiny it was. Even the old tub was set up so that you could take a shower.

"No problem kiddo." He smiled at me. "Funny running into Trent last night. Haven't seen him in ages, really missed him too. But then this strange coincidence you're with him, and just like that I have this apartment rented."

"It was good for me too," I said. I had the best time last night, and now I got a place to live too."

The big room was trashed, but Ethan told me they had just started, and that it would look completely different when I got back. The more I looked the more I could picture myself there. An older house has a lot of character, no two seem to be alike. The ceilings were tall, and all the wood framing was bigger than what I was use to seeing.

Ethan was showing me around, then said, "I'm going to have them take out that wall along the stairwell, and put in a banister. That way you'll see the room as you're walking upstairs, and when you're up here, with that wall gone, the room will be a little bigger."

"That's a cool idea," I said. "I really like all the windows. Especially the cute little windows going up the stairs. I think I'm going to like it here. I guess we need to talk about rent."

"Later," he said. I usually walk up to Starbucks about this time on Sunday. You want to go?"

"I'm all for that." It seemed like my new home was going to be perfect for me. I was close to the clubs, and with any luck, close to work, but then I didn't even know where that was yet.

Ethan and I wore the same size shoes, and he let me borrow a pair of sneakers so we could walk up to Starbucks. Ethan said everything else was close, but for some reason the Starbucks wasn't. We had only walked three blocks, when we came to a high bridge that over looked the city. The bridge curved to the left as it spanned over the railroad tracks. We stopped at the middle of it, and had an unobstructed view of the downtown buildings. I was very impressed, and the view from the bridge was much better than from the bedroom window. We continued on our way, and talked about rent. We came up with a number we both could live with, and I was proud of myself for handling business.

It seemed like a long way, but Ethan timed it, and told me it was fifteen minutes away. That surprised me after walking so far, but then the city blocks had a different feel to them, like it wasn't as far as it seemed. We each got us a cold coffee drink. I think mine was mocha coconut frapacchino. I sucked mine down while we walked back to Ethan's. I started thinking, soon it would be my home too.

The city was quiet, except for the trains I heard every now and then, and sometimes sirens. It wasn't as quiet as my hometown, but then this was a city, and not the small little town I was from.

We came back a different way, and walked by the tall downtown buildings. We turned away from them, and started walking with the sun at our backs. Ethan showed me the gay bookstore, and said it was very upscale, and in good taste. I knew I would be back there sometime, and made a mental note of it's location. In no time we were back at the house, and Ethan took me downstairs to the basement. "I won't mind sharing the washer and dryer with you, and look, there's an outside door here, so you can get in here anytime you want."

"Ethan, I don't know how to thank you for everything. This is like the best thing that's ever happened to me."

"You're welcome kid. Let's get your things together, I'll take you back to Trent and Phillip's."

It wasn't a very long trip to Chapel Hill, and I said my goodbyes to Ethan. I spent a little time with Trent and Phillip, but the time came quickly for me to say goodbye to them too. I became a little emotional leaving, but it felt good inside, because I knew I was coming back. The drive back was long, and it gave me time to think about all the details involved in my move. Who would help me, the truck, but I soon thought about more pleasant things, like Hunter. I replayed that night in my mind, how much fun I had with him, but I suddenly realized that he didn't even know my name. I wasn't sure how I would hook up with him later, but I wasn't concerned about that, somehow I knew I would.

The next two weeks I spent planning, organizing, and saying goodbye to friends. My Uncle came by and offered me money for the bed, and seeing that it was a lot of trouble to move, I took him up on the offer. For one it would never fit in the bedroom I was moving to, so I planned on getting a new bed, but it would have to be smaller. Now that didn't mean I had to give up that perfect height that I had so loved. I was remembering the night Phillip came over, when I had pulled him over to the edge of the bed, held his legs up in the air, while I was standing, letting him have it. Hearing him squeal gave me so much pleasure, and it was something I hoped we could do again. My memories of him continued to have an impact on me, but I was working with it the best that I could. Just because I couldn't have something I wanted, didn't mean that I couldn't be happy. I knew I could never let him go completely, but if he was happy, then I would be happy for him too.

It was a Saturday, and my Uncle had just left, so I called Phillip and we talked on the phone for the longest time. He told me how much fun he was having with Trent, and how much he liked him, but the more he went on about the boy, the more I knew they were in love. While we were talking, I heard a car pull up in the drive, so I said goodbye to Phillip, and went out to see who it was.

A familiar figure came around the side of the house, something I wasn't prepared for, and I suddenly had mixed emotions upon seeing James.

"I'm fine," I said, as I gave him a big hug. "Come on inside, it's cold out here."

"I know, I was talking to Phillip." We were both standing in the kitchen, leaned up against the counter, and I felt slightly uncomfortable, but what amazed me was I still felt love for him. Not the same love I felt before. It was more concern for him and his happiness, yet, there was some passion still left inside me.

"I know you probably hate me, but I wanted to come over and tell you how sorry I am," he said.

"I got confused and didn't know what I wanted," he said. "Not sure what I want now, except with Jennifer I can have a family. With you, um...with you I just had a good time. You taught me a lot Shawn, you taught me about love, and that's something I'll never forget.

"There's more," he said. "I like boys, and I really liked you. Actually I think I was in love with you. What am I saying? I know I was in love with you. I wanted for us to work out, except it was so hard for me. Being with another boy didn't bother you, and I respect that, hell, I even admire that. I wish I could be more like you. You were so happy, and I liked making you happy, and enjoyed making love to you, but I never wanted anyone else to know. I mean, I wasn't ashamed of you, but I couldn't get use to the idea of being seen with you. I don't think I could ever be like you."

"Be yourself," I said. "It didn't take long for me to figure out what I wanted, but we're all different. I really wanted you, and a part of me still does, and that's what's so confusing to me. Seeing you again brought back old feelings, stuff I thought I was over with."

"No you didn't," I said. "Just...um...just that you look so good, and seeing you again reminded me of this past summer, and the good times we had."

"You're still a hot little boy," he said. "I could fuck you right now, but I'm sure you wouldn't go for it."

"I could go for it alright. I'm really horny...um, not sure if I should though." There was a pause to our conversation, and I was seriously considering what was on the table. Neither of us moved from our spots, but I wanted to go over to him, and feel his arms around me. I wanted to feel his sweet kisses on my neck, and offer myself over to him. I started thinking about his dick, hard and pumping inside me, making me feel so good.

"I love you, it's still there," I said, "but it isn't the same. Don't know how to explain it, other than to say, I've lost that edge. It would be more about you fucking me, rather than feeling the deep love that I experienced before."

"It could never be the same," I said. "I really loved you, still do, but I've withdrawn myself from you. I had to. It was more about surviving, and if we do go to the bedroom and do something, I'm not sure how I would handle that. I mean I've come so far, and these old feelings, the ones I'm feeling now, well just not sure where I'd be if we did something like that."

"It's so confusing for me," he said. "I love Jennifer to death, but then seeing you again, I have strong feelings about you too. All I came here to do was tell you how sorry I was, but then I say stupid shit like wanting to fuck you. Well I really am sorry to have put you through so much. It just wasn't right, and I thought you should know that, and hear it from me in person."

"Thank you Shawn. You're such a sweet boy. I swear if I could get my mind right, you and I...well we could have gone far."

"I think so too." We both paused for a moment. "You love Jennifer don't you?" He shook his head yes, and spoke the word very quietly. "Please talk to her, and tell her how you feel. Don't make the same mistake you did with me." I waited for a piercing look, or a gruff word, instead he shook his head yes, agreeing with me.

"It isn't like you meant to keep me in the dark, but you did. I just don't want you to go through that again with Jennifer."

"That would have been my first choice, but he's at school now. Plus he already has a boyfriend. I did meet someone briefly two weekends ago in Raleigh."

"I think you'll like it there," he said. "I know somebody that use to live there. Can't remember exactly where it was, but we always had a good time. It's not a huge city, but big enough, and there's plenty of stuff to go do."

We went on a short while about moving, and about the guy he knew there, but then he said he had to go. I watched him drive away, but the lonely feelings I use to get didn't re-surface. It wasn't that I was happy to see him go, but I didn't feel badly either.

The next day I went to my mom and dad's house to eat, and we talked about my move of course. We went on about all sorts of stuff, but then I got a surprise.

"I'm going to miss you guys," and I heard Teddy in the background as he let out a little moan. "I'm going to miss you too Teddy."

"Your mom and I are going on a vacation after the New Year, and we thought we might come see you on our way to Florida."

"We talked about taking Teddy with us, but we're going to be so busy, so we were wondering if you could take him."

My dad gave me one of those looks, like that's never going to happen. "We're going to be gone for three weeks. Are you sure that's okay?"

"No problem." Actually I was looking forward to having him around, like being with an old friend.

I had worked out most of the details for my move, and found a truck that could tow my Jeep behind it. My dad and Uncle were going to help me move out, and I worked out a time for Ethan, Phillip and Trent to help me move in. I didn't have a whole lot of stuff, so I was certain it wouldn't take too long.

The month seemed to zoom by, all except the last few days, and they went rather slow. Then the big day came, and after saying goodbye to my mom and dad, and my uncle, I was on the road. I arrived at Ethan's late Friday, and he put me up for the night.

The next day was perfect weather, and Phillip and Trent we're right on time. It was good seeing the both of them. Watching them, I could spot a friendship, except there was more to it. Phillip and I were friends, but he stood closer to Trent, always with his hands on him or touching him in some way. Their love was obvious, and I longed to have something like it myself.

The four of us worked well together, and it wasn't long before everything was moved in. I took advantage of having a truck, and took Phillip and Trent with me to pick me out a new bed. We found a tall antique bed frame, then went to another store for a new mattress and box springs. Once it was all together, I could see it was the height I was looking for, and couldn't wait to try it out.

Phillip and Trent said they would come by later to pick me up, and we would all go to the club. Saturday nights were the best, and the music was better than I remembered. Growing up I listened to rock music, but now my focus was shifting to the music they played at the club. I liked the beat, liked dancing, but mostly I liked the party atmosphere I found there.

I was on the dance floor, standing off to the side with Trent and Phillip, just talking, but we were feeling the music, and I was in the mood to dance. I felt a hand slightly touch my arm, and I turned to see a huge guy, well built, and hansom in a way. He asked me to dance with him, and I was surprised at how well he could move given his size. We danced for some time, but then took a break, and went outside to the courtyard.

"Hope you don't mind me dancing with you," he said, as we both sat down at a table.

It was less crowded outside from the last time I was there, but the cold air was a quick clue as to the reason why. Both of us were hot, and welcomed the cool breeze. We went on about small things, and then he told me his name was Jeff. He told me that he worked out a lot, and judging by his size, I could see the hard work paid off for him.

"Here's my phone number. Um...call me, and we'll work out a time." There was a pause to our conversation, and I became grateful in my heart that someone was showing interest in me, and trying to help me out. I was looking forward to getting a little bigger, like I needed that edge somehow. He on the other hand looked uneasy. "I'm not trying to get a date with you ya know."

"Dam, that didn't come out right," he said. "I know it looks like I'm trying to pick you up, but I just gave you the phone number so I could help you work out."

"You are fun to dance with," he said, "and I liked being seen with you, but. Ah...don't take this the wrong way, it's your build," he said. "I don't go for boys like you."

"I like a man with some meat to him," he said, and I didn't want you to think I was trying to hook up with you."

He put his hand around my upper arm, and then to my chest. "You know," he said, "if you worked out a little, you could make a big difference in your appearance." He paused for a moment, "I keep putting my foot in my mouth."

"It's okay, I understand," I said. "I've never worked out much, then running all the time, burned up a lot of calories."

"Well...ahh...what I meant to say, was. Well you know what I meant." I nodded my head yes. "You already look great. By the way what kind of running did you do?"

"Ah! Long-distance runner. You know about training," he said looking down on me.

"Got that right," I shot back. It wasn't a question, but a statement. I had put lots of long hard hours in training, always pushing myself to keep running even when I was tired.

"I'll call ya, as soon as I get a phone. This is my first official day here." That prompted more conversation between us, till we were both ready to go dance some more.

Even though I didn't come out and say so, I could see Jeff's point about me not being his type. I wasn't attracted to him either, and it was his large size. I really wanted someone more my size like Hunter. I looked for that boy all night, but never spotted him once. Hunter and I had great potential, and I couldn't wait to see him again. Toward the end of the evening, my outlook was a little glum, until my hope kicked in, and I was set to find him the following weekend.

The day had been long, after moving and all, and I was ready to call it a night. I was heading towards Phillip, ready to ask him the question, if they were ready to go. Before I could, he told me how good of a time they were having, and it looked like they were ready to party all night. Well I couldn't ask him after that statement, so I told Jeff, that I was going to walk home, and that I'd call him next week. Jeff was ready to go too, and gave me a ride home.

I spent all day Sunday unpacking, and arranging stuff in my new house. Ethan came upstairs, and gave me some ideas on how to arrange everything. I enjoyed his company, and found him easy to talk to. I gave him the address of where my new office was, and he took me by there so I knew how to get there. I was certain on bad weather days I would drive, but Monday was another nice day, and I walked the ten blocks to work.

Instead of having an office, I got a cubicle, and Lisa wasted no time finding me work to do. Most of what she had was organizing file drawers, but I had a nice surprise as lunchtime approached.

"Come with me," Lisa said, and we went downstairs, and walked toward the front of the office. "How are you with answering phones?"

"I've watched you work, and I know you can multi-task very well," she said. "You'll be handling calls and welcoming visitors as they come in."

"Making a good impression is very important," Lisa said, "so don't make it sound too easy."

"My boss was asking who could fill in for Cindy, and I immediately thought of you."

"He wanted to see you first. Remember that guy I brought by your cubicle this morning?"

"I told you, I'd take care of you Shawn." I smiled at her, as we approached the front desk.

"Cindy, I have someone I'd like you to meet. This is Shawn, Shawn this is Cindy."

"Cindy, can you explain the phone system to Shawn. He will be covering for you while you're at lunch."

"Be glad to," she said. Her voice reminded me of James's girlfriend Jennifer. She had a young sounding voice, a little high pitched, but still very pleasant. She appeared to be pregnant, but in case she wasn't, I held back from saying anything about it.

The phone system looked easy, but sitting down and actually doing it was another story. Cindy sat there with me, making sure I handled everything okay. After she left I was on my own, and actually did very well. I only lost one call while she was gone. I did however get a lot of looks from people passing by me on their way to and from lunch. I guess they had never seen a boy sit up front before, but then there were a lot of things these people didn't know about me. My first day went very well, but I was so happy to be at home, and unwind. I hadn't noticed so much during the day, but when I got home and had a beer, I could feel tension leave my body as I relaxed.

The sound of the train woke me during the night, its interruption to my sleep was very brief, and the next morning when I woke, I felt great. I picked out some nice clothes for work, and my efforts were noted by the looks and sometimes comments I received by the woman of the office.

After work, I called Jeff, and he came by to pick me up. Jeff lived a few miles away from me, and he didn't seem to mind coming by my place first. I was glad he was driving, because of all the turns, I'd never have found the gym. Jeff knew his stuff when it came to the gym equipment, and he was a big help to me. We worked back first, then biceps. I couldn't do anywhere near the same weight Jeff did, and struggled with the little bit of weight that I did have. I felt terribly out of place there, being so small, while everyone else was bigger than I was. Some of those guys were huge compared to me.

At each station, as I got to the point where I couldn't go anymore, Jeff would pull on the arm of the machine, making it easier for me, and I got two or three more repetitions each time. From my history in running I knew how important it was to work the muscle out, to gain maximum results.

Jeff had some nice muscles, and I watched him when it was his turn, but then I was also looking around at all the other great bodies around me. A lot of the guys were too big for me, and not to my liking, but I did spot a few cute boys. I figured I better keep my eyes off the big guys. It would mean certain death to a little gay boy like me if I were caught gawking at some straight dude three times my size. I stayed close to Jeff, but kept looking when it was his turn on the machine. I spotted one boy as I looked around, and saw that he was looking at me. I looked away, not wanting to give away my identity, but when I looked back, it wasn't long before his eyes were back on me. We kept playing the looking game, till Jeff pulled me away to the far corner of the gym.

We were going to work legs, and when my turn came, I got to impress Jeff a little. He still did more weight than I did, but the difference was much less. It made me feel better, that I had strong legs, and wasn't so out done by others. He took me home, and we both agreed to work out again on Thursday evening after work.

The next day I could barely move, and struggled to get out of bed, but by the time I got to work I was feeling a little less sore. At noon I came downstairs to relieve Cindy.

"It's a little crazy sometimes, but I actually enjoy being on the edge a little."

That's when she told me I better get use to the front desk. Cindy said that she was pregnant, and in a month or so would only be working in the mornings, and that I would probably be covering for her in the afternoon. Neither of us were sure what the plans would be when she was away for the entire day. The idea of staying up front all day didn't seem to bother me, and by the time Cindy was back from lunch, I had grown fond of the idea.

Cindy and I talked about it the next day, but as she pointed out, it really wasn't up to us anyway. I decided to let it go, and not worry with it.

Finally Thursday came, and after work, Jeff and I headed off to the gym, to work on chest and triceps. Once again, I was the small guy there, and I felt so out of place, but I saw the same guy I watched before. He was still staring at me too, and we traded glances for a while.

I was working on a machine for the chest, and Jeff was off talking to one of his buddies. That's when the guy I was staring at came over, and when I got to the last repetition I could do, he did the same thing Jeff did, and helped me get a few more repetitions in. When I finished I thanked him, and he told me his name was William. Jeff was so busy with his friends, that William and I ended up working out together. It was a great work out, and I was defiantly tired when we got through.

"That would be great," I said looking around for Jeff. He was still talking, and half way working out with one of his friends. Jeff seemed to be more interested in his friends than he was with me, and I began to wonder how long I would be waiting on him, before I could go home. "That is if I ever get out of here," I said.

"Um...that guy over there, gave me a ride, and now I guess I have to wait on him."

I thought about it, and waiting wasn't my strong point so I agreed to his offer.

"Sure, come on up." We went in the front door, and while walking up the stairs, I became just as impressed with the apartment as he was. It was my home, and it had style and class, and was practically in downtown. It all seemed so cool to me.

I gave William a short tour of the apartment, and we ended up back in the kitchen to get something to drink. My mind was wondering a bit, staring at the blue walls, while William went on talking about weight training. I lost track of what he was saying, while my whole body was yelling at me about aches and pains. William was up with an empty glass, and seeing that I was between him the sink, I started to move out of his way so he could get more water. Instead he set the glass down, and grabbed for my arm.

"You got a nice body," he said as he rubbed his other hand against my chest. He passed over my nipple with his fingers, and my jaw dropped as he retraced his steps. At each finger I was breathing harder, while the struggle of right and wrong was pushed to the back of my mind. He had caught me off guard, and at the moment I didn't know how to resist him, or more so did I want to resist him. I thought about briefly, but his hand quickly reached down into my crotch, and I let go of the little whimpers contained in my body. I thought I could hold onto them, and remain indifferent, except there seemed no way to keep my pleasure confined to myself. It was like a mad circle, because when William heard me, it made him go after me more aggressively, which in turn made my cries that much louder.

Before I knew what was going on, William had my sweat pants down and his mouth on me. I had no intention of things getting that far. He only wanted to see the house, and it seemed like I was in control of the situation, but not so now. If someone had yelled fire, I probably would have stayed right where I was. Something at the back of my mind was telling me I was uncomfortable with the situation, but the thought was only a misty image in the far distance.

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Sunshine

by Junco