Discovering Brazil

by Zustara Orur

Chapter Fourteen - A Rough Time and a Fateful Evening:

We had to get going right then or else we'd be late. It pained me, I kept dodging aside as soon as he tried to sling an arm around me by pretending to avoid some other kid in the hallway. I tried to do it in a playful manner, but I think Brazil noticed what I was doing. He seemed a little unsettled, but I made sure I did not stray too far from him. After last period he did his usual thing, sneaking up on me from behind and putting his hands on my neck as I reached into my locker. I jerked, something I don't usually do, and whacked my head hard in the half-open door of the locker above mine. Brazil apologized profoundly, I had to tell him several times it was not his fault...

It had been such a trying day. During lunch I made myself scarce, not really sure why. It was as if I knew if I was with Brazil, I'd slip right back into my bad old habits of touching him, it was almost a relief when the day was over. Dad noticed how skittish I was of course, but he decided to stay out of my hair. I'm not sure if I think that was wise or not, maybe it would have been better if he'd interfered, considering what was to happen in the immediate future.

Wednesday I again met up with Kurt, almost as per usual it seemed.

"Where did you go yesterday?", I asked as soon as I laid eyes on him, even before saying hi.

He grinned. "I didn't want to get in between you guys", he said as we went inside the school and parked our butts in a window ledge in the passage to the auditorium, a place that was hardly ever used most days. I knew that his explanation wasn't the whole story though. "I know you missed Dorian when he was gone the day before yesterday", he went on, as if trying again to convince me.

I nodded in response. "Yeah, I did miss him..." Kurt smiled at me when he heard me say it and winked in that 'I knew it!' way you do sometimes when you want to tell someone you were right. "He is so cute, I wish he was gay", I mumbled. "I wouldn't have to feel so bad about liking him so much..."

He nodded slowly in return. "I gotta admit, Dorian IS really cute. He's got a pretty good body too", Kurt professed as we sat on that window ledge facing each other, letting one leg dangle down, the other drawn up like me with the toes of our shoes supporting each other's foot.

"Oh don't I know it", I replied sincerely in a rather dreamy tone of voice before I could stop myself, remembering the way he'd felt when I touched him and when he touched me the past weekend. "Especially his cute little dickie..."

Kurt giggled. "Little? Whatever gave you that idea? Dorian's pretty hung for a kid our age." He chuckled wryly seeing me goggle. "I know that, he's in my gym class", he then went on to explain.

"Uh, but, I mean... He's about my size I think, and mine's not very...", I started, blushing really bad.

"You know what I think?", he said teasingly. "I think someone's been reading too many stories on the internet where all the guys have like a foot or more between their legs since age 12!" I just went tomato red in my face. In a way he was right, not that I really did too much surfing on the net mind you, I just didn't have much experience measuring other guys' dicks with my eyes because I never really saw any other guys naked (which for a gay kid like myself can be very frustrating)! Gym showers back in my old school had even had curtains, and in my new school kids usually didn't shower at all, or the few who did, did it really quickly standing in a corner facing the wall, and moved in and out of the shower room tightly wrapped up in a towel so nobody could see anything. I had to stop and think about it, and I concluded he could have been right, guess I was a bit off after all, perhaps... "Your standard isn't calibrated to the real world, man. Anyway, if you're about as big as Dorian then you're pretty lucky. I'm not, but my girl sure doesn't complain anyway."

"Wow! You got a GIRLFRIEND?", I said, my eyes bugging out again!

He grinned at me. "Sure do! I don't flaunt her or anything, neither of us really want to make a big deal of it, and no, I'm not banging her either so don't even bother asking. We sure like to snuggle though...!"

I grinned, knowing exactly what he meant. "So who is it then?", I asked, and right then it was my turn to let my voice take on a teasing tone. "Or is it some kinda big secret?"

"No, it's not really a secret I suppose, I just haven't told many that's all... Anyway, it's Katie Bates", he said almost shyly. "I don't know if you know about her though, since you're so new."

"Oh, I think I know. It's the one with the long wavy brown hair, right?" He nodded. "Yeah, she sure is hot!" I'd seen them together sometimes, she came to watch him skate sometimes and they talked in the corridors. I just thought they were friends though. Kurt talked with quite a lot of girls after all.

He laughed! "Wasn't you supposed to be a homo, man?"

I couldn't help laughing too. "Yeah, and you said Dorian's cute, so what? Doesn't mean I wanna sleep with her or anything, but I can still see she's pretty!" I leaned forwards and tried to whack him on a shoulder for effect, but he managed to dodge aside by twisting his torso at the last moment.

"I sure wouldn't mind sleeping with Dorian", he said all of a sudden, really shyly.

I simply smiled, not wanting to make a big deal of his revelation, just like him with his girl. I mean, why should I? "I know what you mean...", I merely stated. We smiled at one another, and I felt a little more comfortable, knowing there was two people who liked the same impossible dream guy.

"Actually, she's not really my girlfriend", Kurt admitted once again. "She's more like my chaperone, my cover, in a way. She... She knows I'm not really in love with her and she helps, uh... I mean, she helps me keep up appearances. She's a really really good friend, and we do like to snuggle together, we do it all the time. She's really cuddly and she likes it when I touch her breasts or her butt, and I kinda like that too. And we kiss, that's kinda nice too. But we... We both know I don't really want her, but she's my friend so she don't get angry because of it." He looked at me. "I said... I said I wouldn't mind sleeping with Dorian... What I really meant was... I wouldn't mind...sleeping... Uh, sleeping with you." He looked down into his lap, and I knew he had a hard-on, I could see it in his loose-fitting skater pants. The front bulged a bit too much despite the loose fit and big folds such clothes always show. He didn't have that big a dick though, so anyone looking casually wouldn't realize it - probably - but right then his dick twitched, probably because he realized I knew he had a hard-on, and if anyone had looked right then they would definitely have seen it. Of course nobody was around to watch, or else he wouldn't have let me know, he wasn't stupid. He kept an eye on the corridor from the position he was sitting, if anyone came too close or paid too much attention to us, he could have covered himself with time to spare in order to avoid suspicion.

I felt myself stiffen up as well. I didn't really have to keep a lookout in my half of the corridor because the direction I was looking lead to the auditorium, and since it was deserted nobody would be coming from that direction. Most people kept to the main corridor around the corner, or stayed outside til the bell rang, we were virtually alone there.

Kurt's eyes were glued to my groin. I tugged on my dick so it went down the leg of my pants, the leg whose foot I had swinging. My dick seemed considerably longer than his, despite he's taller than me. He looked up at me and smiled, and then I felt awkward all of a sudden while he did not.

"It's not small", he said in a comforting yet kinda shy voice. He did no move to touch me though, which was lucky, because I just blushed something awful all of a sudden, feeling a massive wave of conflicting emotions wash over me. It was Ali, it was Brazil and now Kurt all in a jumble up in my head. Who did I want, really? I loved Ali. Loved him as much, as strongly as I'd always done, but he was beyond my reach now. I think I loved Brazil, think I loved him just as much as Ali, but I was so unsure if that was right or not. Then there was Kurt... The person I didn't even know was a real friend, and now I knew he was having a crush on me. Maybe more than that. He'd liked me since first seeing me, but that had just been sort of a casual liking he said. It was the day he held me as I cried, the day I learned Ali had died. That was the day he fell for me, he revealed, still just as shyly.

Right then, the bell went off and we adjusted ourselves to hide our boners (and giggled), then started our way back to reality. As I reached the main entrance I saw Brazil standing there in the middle of the crowd, looking this way and that for me. As I approached he left, apparently without having spotted me. He was probably afraid to be late and didn't dare to wait any longer. I set off after him, maybe fifty feet behind or so but when I reached his floor he was simply gone. He wasn't by his locker, and I even went through the whole corridor just to see if he'd maybe gone off some distance to talk to someone... It felt very weird, but I had to leave so I would not be late instead.

I met up with him later. It was even weirder, it was as if he was estranged from me somehow. Yes, he was happy to see me. No, he hadn't disappeared, just gone to the bathroom quick before class, and I KNEW he was lying to me. Nothing of what he said seemed terribly sincere, for some reason. Then he needed to go off...somewhere, do...something. Sorry, sorry. We'd talk later.

We didn't. I saw him in the corridors of the school, but it was just like before I got to know him. Fleeting glances at a distance, a mass of deep honey-blonde braids, a pretty but very solemn face. Green-brown eyes that didn't meet anyone eye-to-eye... I became afraid to even try to talk to him, I'd done something wrong, something to hurt him but I wasn't sure what. Asking him became too monumental a task, it required more courage than I possessed. The rest of the week passed, me becoming more miserable than ever as Brazil didn't seem to want to have anything to do with me anymore. I started to think for real he regretted inviting me the previous weekend. I desperately wished I hadn't acted so friggin gay around him. Why couldn't I just have been a friend, he'd TOLD me that day we went to the movies not to try anything with him! Why hadn't I listened? I'm so stupid I thought, now I'd wrecked a wonderful friendship!

Kurt tried to be my savior, in a shy kind of way. He invited me to come watch when he and his friends skated, or to play some basketball with them and stuff like that. I refused at first, it felt wrong to go off and enjoy myself just in case Brazil would decide to take me back to grace. I wanted to be there if he came looking for me, but after the weekend had passed as well as most of the following Monday, I decided he wasn't going to. He hadn't abandoned me, I must have done something to push him away. I took it all upon myself and sat in a bathroom cubicle that Monday and sobbed constantly for half an hour during lunch. Some people that came in and heard someone was crying decided to act mockingly, calling me names, tried to look over the cubicle wall to see who I was or rattled the door just to be assholes. I didn't care, and I didn't let them bother me either. When I emerged I ran into Kurt and upon seeing the state of me he refused to leave me alone from then on. I ended up following him to shoot some hoops, I was worthless of course but nobody complained. I think Kurt had told them to be nice to me, I don't know why else they'd let me play with them, they were all so much better than I was. I didn't even know all the rules, so I have to say they were very patient with me.

Kurt ended up being a much better friend than I could ever have hoped for. He kept me preoccupied with our basketball games and then he and friends showed off on their boards, while simultaneously giving me all the room I needed. He introduced me to his chaperone girlfriend, and Katie was really nice and so pretty. We two sat together sometimes and watched Kurt and his buds strut their stuff skating around. We provided moral support by applauding when they succeed with something cool and laughed when they ended up on the ground, but of course not in a mean way. We laughed real friendly-like. Besides, they laughed just as much too so it was alright.

Every once in a while I saw Brazil walk by. He'd stand some distance away, usually at the basketball court for just a few moments and look at me. At the start of the week I imagined he had something longing in his eyes. A few days later he seemed more indifferent instead, and I thought maybe he'd found someone else too, someone he rather spent time with than a gross gay person like myself... I became an even more useless a player than under ordinary circumstances during the short moments he stood around watching me. It hurt, seeing his view of me transform like that, locking me out. Knowing I had caused it, hurt him, made him feel uncomfortable near me. Stupid me, I hated myself for causing him such anguish!

Friday was the worst day ever. Brazil came by the basketball court during first recess, standing far off to the side. I don't think anyone noticed him at all but me, and he looked at all of us there with pure hate in his eyes! Anger and hate. I almost started crying again right there on the spot! 'Dammit Brazil, I love you, don't hate me because I'm gay!', I pleaded with my eyes as I looked at him. I don't know for sure if he saw it in the way I looked at him, he didn't stay very long. As he left, there was something about him I sensed, some kind of desperation, despair... That was the last I saw of him, all throughout the rest of the day there wasn't a single trace of him. I didn't know if he just stayed out of sight or if he'd gone home or anything. I wished he owned a cellphone so I could call him up, but he didn't. That made me remember I'd promised him a new wallet last Saturday. Not that it mattered anymore, he didn't want any gay faggot queers as friends, and no gay faggot queer wallets either. What sane person would?! Kurt tried talking to me after Brazil had left me there but I was completely out of the loop right then. I couldn't get a single thing right in the game, I missed every shot, dropped the ball every time I got a pass. I just got it all so wrong I left the field in anger and frustration without acknowledging my friend at all.

The rest of the day I spent in a zombie-like state, answering my teachers, doing my work in class, doing my assignments after class, helping people in dad's store. All without really participating. It was as if my body acted on its own, went through the motions and doing everything correctly and the way it was supposed to without my soul being a part of it at all. Dad knew at once something was very wrong, and again he took me out for dinner. This time I wouldn't talk to him at all though, I just sat there without saying anything and ate my food slowly and mechanically while he tried to get a conversation started a couple times. It was totally pathetic, it was truly awful! I felt panic rising in me until I felt like running out of there, screaming. It was all I could do, making myself not get up from my seat and take off in an instant, but I still had to get out of there.

"Uh... I'd like to go for a walk if you don't mind", I said in a remarkably calm voice. It didn't even shake or anything, despite I was on the verge of having a fit of panic.

Dad looked up at me after having had a sip of his beer. "Nathan, what's wrong?", he asked, not fooled for a second by my calm voice. "You've been acting weird for days now. Come on, PLEASE talk to me. I can't stand it seeing you behave like this."

"Dad, I'd like to just spend some time in the city if it's okay. I won't get into any trouble, I promise."

He looked me in the eye, perhaps knowing he wouldn't get any answers right then, and pushing for them would only make me feel worse. "Okay", he said with a sigh. "I want you home by ten thirty at the latest alright? I mean it. Don't make me come looking for you."

I shook my head. "No worries, I won't let you down. I'll probably get bored long before that, it's only seven fifteen now anyway."

"Alright Son, be a good boy. You go ahead and do whatever it is you wanna do" '...And maybe we can have that talk later', he added silently. 'When your head's cleared up a bit and you feel more comfortable.'

I gave him a smile, a hug and a kiss on a slightly stubbly dad-cheek. "See you soon alright!" I hurried off without trying to make it look like I hurried. Not sure I quite managed that, but it couldn't be helped, I felt boxed in and badly needed some fresh air.

He waved at me as I skipped off out of the restaurant. Truth be told, I really had no idea where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do, but the evening was warm and pleasant and lots of people were out and about, walking around with little in the way of clothes covering their bodies. I started to calm down as I slowly followed wherever people seemed to be going. Skater and rollerblader kids were out in force, rolling down the pedestrian streets with youthful exuberance and glee, attacking every curb and rail with reckless abandon it seemed. The sky was getting dark but that didn't stop them, the sodium-yellow city lights were enough for them to perform their magic anyway. I wondered if Kurt was out there somewhere, and what I would say to him (or do) if we met...

I followed the general flow of people towards Ryder Park next to the river. It was fairly large and semi-circular, being cut off by a straight stone wall lining the water. Inside were grass and trees and paved paths leading in between several small pavilions, one being a fancy restaurant with a dance floor, populated mostly by a mature crowd (like, people born in the 50s or earlier), another was a more laid-back café-like place popular with people wearing berets, discussing poets, the French or French poets and things like that. The third and final one was mostly just a bar, playing modern-type music where the young and the restless hung out. I wasn't allowed to enter of course since I was too young, not that I particularly desired to anyway. I stopped at the river wall at the edge of the park, leaning my back against its cool surface, watching people walk across the wide cobblestoned area lining all around the edge of the park. Behind me, down in the glittering black river water was a tour boat dock which took tourists and school kids and such on trips up and down the river during daytime. Now the long flat-bottomed and kinda barge-like boats with their rows of seats were all still and tied up by their moorings.

Strangely enough, I didn't feel alone as I stood there, watching people enjoy themselves. It was okay, I didn't mind. I was simply used to being an outsider I guess, or else it was the contrast between the feeling of being trapped inside the restaurant not long before and the calming, relaxing air outside. Anyway, I wasn't sure I wanted to be with anyone else right then, the air was so sweet and warm, like a soft embrace from a loved one. It would have been much harder to appreciate that almost balmy climate if I'd been talking and laughing with some other kids. There were people I recognized passing by every once in a while, people from my school, boys and girls, many with beer cans in their hands. 'Partying' they called it, but drinking was what it actually was.

Never mind them though, I couldn't care less. I was having too good a time by myself, looking at the last fading azure-blue traces in the sky, seeing a few star pinpricks appear. I listened to the faint traces of music drifting towards me, looked at all the cuties... It was enough for me right then.

A large group of kids about my age emerged from a side street not too far off. They were all dressed like they were on their way to have a good time, guys mostly but several girls also. They were loud and noisy, laughing and yelling enthusiastically amongst themselves. They seemed to be herding someone stumbling along in the center of the group as they - probably by sheer coincidence - steered in my general direction, someone I could not quite make out who it was. No... Wait...!

I caught a glimpse. A chill went through me, almost freezing my body solid.

The person in the center fell to his knees, almost smashing a large, square glass bottle that seemed about half-full with an amber liquid against the pavestones. Whooping laughs and yells followed from the others as they pulled him up on his not too steady feet in a rather rough manner, almost making him fall again. More laughs ensued. The wobbly figure grinned and laughed as well, apparently unaware of his own intoxicated state, then he turned and started stumbling after some kid that had pulled off his colorful hair band and was holding it up in the air teasingly, just out of reach. The figure's white shirt was hanging out of his black pants. It all looked brand new, apart from the smudge of dust on his knees (which he'd probably picked up when falling down).

"Heey, give that back!", the figure demanded in a slurry voice.

"Catch it! Catch it if you can!", came teasing voices in return. The hair band went from one kid to the next, flying through the air over the poor figure's head before he had a chance to grab it.

One kid missed the hair band as it went past him, the drunken figure stumbled into him, nearly knocking them both down. As it happened, only the figure fell, landing on his butt amongst much laughter. The bottle went crash and more laughs ensued.

"Catch ya later, dude!", one of the ringleaders said and the whole group started to move off as the confused, befuddled figure was trying to pick up broken pieces of glass from the ground.

All of a sudden I had my hands around his wrists, seizing him firmly. "No! You'll cut yourself!", I almost yelled at him.

"Wha-... Who're...?", he mumbled with a breath reeking of whisky and looked up at me, his eyes trying to focus. It took him seconds to recognize me and seeing how hard it was for him was enough to reduce me to tears! When he finally did recognize me, he became ashamed and quickly looked down so he wouldn't have to meet my gaze.

"Oh, look at you! What have you done?" I wrapped up his small body in my arms and held him tight, not understanding how badly I'd missed him as I cried. "Come man, I'll take you home", I said, still sniffling and pulled him to his feet. Of course, I didn't mean HIS home, because I didn't know if he even considered it that or just a place where he slept. I meant mine, and then I felt the awful stench of alcohol all over him, he'd sat down in the puddle from the broken bottle and it had soaked into his clothes.

"Wher-where's...my frenns...", he mumbled and tried to stumble off in the direction the group he'd arrived with had gone.

"I'm your friend...", I said and held his head with my hands so he couldn't turn away. His eyes wavered towards me, then away, as if he still was unsure if he wanted to stay or go. Seemingly in as little control of myself as he was, I simply felt myself dart in and peck his lips. "I AM your friend", I repeated, tears still rolling down my face in two slow but steady streams and kissed him again.

His eyes clouded over and closed, his muscles starting to loose the last bit of strength they still possessed. We both stumbled a few steps away from the glass and then together sank down to the cobbled street. I called my dad on my cellphone as Brazil passed out in my arms.